Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Back next week

Gone to Edisto Island SC.



Thursday, April 10, 2014

I'm losing my mind

Monday I forgot my gym bag.  I've regularly left my water cup somewhere because the water & ice machine is across from the bathrooms, and I go in and run into someone and tell them I'm leaving and we get into a big discussion and then I get back to my desk and realize I've forgoten my cup....  Today I packed my lunch and left it at home.

Also, there were no boxes.  And I feel like I have a ton to pack up and do.  Like I said, I am leaving Satuday after dinner to spend the night with my step sister before driving to the beach house Sunday.  Then hub and I come back the next Sunday and Monday he loads the moving truck (because we have a little bit of furniture plus some misc. stuff left in the garage) while I'm at work.  And then after work we drive to Jacksonville, then onto NC the next day (Tuesday).  Then we unload everything and we both go to work the next day (Wednesday).

So I feel a little overwhelmed and stressed.  And then there's my emotions.

Everyone keeps saying "Aren't you so excited!" or "Aren't you so happy!" and yes, I am both of those things.  But as my mom put it so well "It isn't that simple."

I tend to angst over past decisions, because we all know how productive THAT is, right?  So I ask myself whether we made the right decision to move to Florida?  And did I make the decision for the right reason?  (Because let's be honest, I made the decision).  And does the primary breadwinner get to be selfish and keep their comfortable, well paying job that they don't really want to leave even if it means moving the family?  Was I being lazy and selfish?  Did I fail my family, because this move was tough for both of them?

And am I a failure because it didn't work out?  Am I a failure because moving back means taking a job that is a contract position (although with benefits and a high likelihood of turning into a regular full time job - this is the way the lady likes to hire people, by hiring them as a contractor first)?  Am I a failure because I am taking a 20% pay cut, even though we thankfully can afford for me to do that?

See, these are the things you think when you were raised by a father that acts like the worst stereo types of a jewish mother and who always made you feel like you were never quite good enough....

And with no family here to care for, has my self care crossed over the line into self absorption?

ugh....

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Box Wednesday

Today is licquor delivery day!  Which means I am going after work to pick up some boxes. :-)

I am also meeting a friend for dinner at a mexican restaurant, which should be a lot of fun.  It's mainly a take out place, but they have about 4 tables and the food is excellent!  And its surprisingly easy to make a good choice at this place.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I opted to sleep in.  No walk, no packing this morning.  But I'm doing okay. 

The drive to the beach house is ouver 8.5 hours, so I opted to drive up to my step sister's in Coccoa Beach Saturday night.  That's about 2.5 hours and will make the next day much easier.

Anyway, things are moving along here.

Have a good day!

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Nothing new to report

Still here in Boringsville - walking, eating, packing, etc etc etc.

I forgot my gym bag yesterday, so no T25!  Oops!  I brought it today.  I can't believe I did that.

Anyway, knocked a bunch of things off my list yesterday - mainly going to websites to change physical and/or email addy.  Ran a couple of errands after work.

I had a chance to do a kind deed for someone when I was out & about.  What exactly doesn't matter - just that it made me feel really good to be able to be kind to a stranger.  Generosity pays you back 3-fold.  It felt good to spontaneously seize that opportunity.

Looking forward to the beach next week.

I have a LOT of anxiety about starting a new job after 14+ years.  Reminding myself I will be fine. :-)

Have a good day!

Monday, April 07, 2014

Accomplished

Despite the fact that I felt all over the page mentally, I got a lot done this weekend!

Bathroom cleaned.
Food bought.
Room cleaned.
Laundry washed and put away.
Mother's day gifts - pillowcases for mom and MIL made - they just need a final ironing after they were washed.

I'm still feeling all over the page mentally, but I am just focusing on 'the next thing'.

This morning I got up, walked, packed 2 boxes, packed lunch, showered, ate, got dressed and headed out for work.  I did stuff one thing at a time.

This morning I am working on a list of things I need to get done this week.  I plan to pack 1 or 2 boxes each morning.  By the end of the week I will have gotten a lot done!

It feels overwheleming, but really, it isn't.  It's a lot, but I DO have the time AND energy, if I stop looking at the forest and just check out the next tree, you know?

Excited, nervous, overwhelmed, but baby stepping it.  Doing ok.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Friday, April 04, 2014

Thoughts

First of all, I want to put out there that I have neither gained nor lost weight.  I lost 5 pounds doing the Whole 30, I regained 2 and have stayed there.  Given all the stress, I'm okay with that - for now.  But I want to focus on doing better the next couple of weeks.

Okay. 

So, I work for a really good company.  They treat their customers and employees very well, and overall its been a great run.  Sure, I have had bosses that weren't the best - who hasn't?  But its been good.  It got tough when we moved to Florida - the family went through a LOT of rough patches (some of which are chronicled here, some are too private), and work didn't feel quite the same.

The last year has been particularly challenging at work with a huge re-org.  But at the end of the day, what drove our decision was the fact that our son went back, our folks are in NC, hub never found a full time job here and was terribly unhappy, AND I wasn't very happy at work the way I once was.

So the decision seems pretty straightforward, and it was.

But.

There are things I really like and will miss.  I guess it's like when you break up with a boyfriend that wasn't right for you but there are still things you loved and you'll miss, if you get what I mean.  Nothing is all good or all bad.

Since we leased the house and I've been renting a room, that was a bit awkward at first, but I confess I kinda love it too.  R and I get along great and have become good friends.  And hey, if the kitchen floor is dirty?  Not my problem!  I worry about my room, bathroom, and cleaning up after myself in the kitchen.  Sure I can't spread my crap around, but I spend maybe 20 minutes a day cleaning, and an hour (tops!) on the weekend.

I don't worry about what hub is eating or wants to eat, nor do I have to prep his food.  Not having to worry about that stuff has been WONDERFUL.  Yes, I miss my family but I'm being honest here - not being responsible for all that stuff after so many years of being THE person who did it or made sure it got done?  That's been really nice.

And of course a new job.  New boss, new co-workers, a bunch of new stuff to learn.  I know I can do it, but it's like the first day of school times a hundred cause I may be in this role for several years.  So, a bit daunting after being comfortable for so long.

So, a lot of mixed up, conflicting emotions, tired from coming down from so much stress (my gums have been swollen for two days), and loads of things to get done.

Maintaining and not gaining seems ok for now.

 

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Surprisingly Emotional

Thank you for the congrats and good wishes!

This has been a rocky road, these past 3.5 years, and finding a job (and coming to that decision) has been a long road too.

As you can imagine, my brain feels like marshmallow fluff and my legs feel like jello!  I have so much to do, and so many emotions.

There's a lot I want to put down here, but my head hasn't been able to organize my thoughts into something coherent.

Doing okay, walking, doing T25, packing my food.  Thankfully those things are on autopilot, because my head certainly isn't there right this minute.

I'll do a more in depth post as soon as I get my thoughts organized.

Take care!