Is anyone home?

Well, after an extra long (4 day) weekend and a busy day catching up yesterday, I’m here.

First, the 14 mile run went well. I had a nasty headache after, and was sore a couple of days, but the run itself went well and I am amazed that I did it!

Eating was not great – being on the road, eating weird times in weird locales made it tough. And I did some emotional eating.

I finished one of Geneen Roth’s books – it was her first one, “Feeding the Hungry Heart” I think. It was good, and I’ve started another “Breaking Free of Compulsive Eating.”

I still don’t know whether I am eating to deal with stress, eating out of habit, or eating to prevent myself from losing more weight. That’s an important question, but right now I still haven’t discovered the answer.

Why I choose to sabotage myself all the freaking time

There are two things major issues I need to consider:

1) emotional eating - why does this happen? Oh, its happened on and off for years - I eat from loneliness, stress, boredom, for comfort etc. Sometimes I am able to link the eating with a very specific event or emotion, and other times not. I think I have simply become accustomed to eating while watching tv. I am considering trying an experiment next week of no tv weekday evenings and see what happens.

2) fear of losing weight. When was the last time I was a good weight? How did I feel about myself? How did other people treat me? What was my lifestyle? In answering these questions I realized that while I want to go back to that weight, I do NOT want to go back to that life! ha ha ha Are the two linked in my head? How do I un-link them? Or is it fear of failure? "I'll never be able to achieve the body I want even if I lose the weight, so I won't lose the weight." I need to give myself permission to not have a "perfect" body even if my weight is good. (I'm not sure that last one is a problem but its something to consider).

For some people it seems as simple as becoming aware of what they are eating, and cutting back. I wish it were that simple for me.

Size 12 jean shorts

I am wearing size 12 jean shorts today. I’ve worn size 12 slacks etc for a while, but have been stuck in size 14 jeans for what feels like all eternity. Until today.

I have big hips. So, if something fits my waist it’s too tight in the hips. If the hips fit, the waist is generally loose. But today these are comfortable. :-)

In a way I feel unworthy since I have gained 2 pounds, but I’ve jumped right back into good choices and am trying to make (healthy) food I really enjoy.

I did arms yesterday (biceps & triceps) and ran 30 min on the treadmill. If feels so much harder than it does on the road. I skipped abs – Sonja cut out a couple of minutes early and I just didn’t do them on my own.

Nothing profound here today. Except that I checked a couple of books by Geneen Roth out of the library – I’ll let you know what I think.

Better

This weekend was better. I didn’t rely on food. I had two after dinner snacks, but ate good meals. So, while not perfect (I would like to limit that to 1 snack, but we’ll see how this went), it is more in line with how my eating needs to be. I scared myself a little when I quickly reverted to my old “stuffing it all down with food” ways.


My run was good. I am doing 14 miles this Friday. Oh my God.

Gone Camping

I’m headed out pretty soon. My son is on vacation with grandma and the hubby & I are going camping this weekend – just the two of us. I am really looking forward to being alone without any distractions for a time. Just to talk & walk & be out in nature.

He has agreed to be more supportive about my eating habits. Last night is a pretty good example – he broke one of my favorite wine glasses, so he goes to the store & picks up beer and a large soft pretzel to apologize. To that end, we are packing only healthy food for our trip. If I’m not back here Monday, you know I didn’t survive the diet Pepsi withdrawal!

Why Ask Why?

I’m curious: Is there anyone who gets in their car after a long day at work and thinks to themselves “Hurray! I get to go to the gym!” (besides Dave Draper). Really? Can you teach me that? Ha ha ha

I was walking out to my car yesterday, thinking about how tired I was. My job isn’t physically tiring, but it’s mentally taxing. I was tired. And thinking about going to the gym made me tired. I had no enthusiasm. I realized I never do. But in the last 15 months of going to the gym after work to lift weights, I can’t remember ever just blowing it off (okay, there was 1 month in there I didn’t lift). Even though I’m never very excited, I just go. Why ask why? Just do it. Blah blah blah. And I always remember how good I feel and how much fun I have while doing it – that keeps me going back.

So, another arm workout is in the log book.

I got up to run this morning. Oh my God. I only made it 2 miles. Yesterday was 70 degrees and 93% humidity. This morning was 73 and 93% humidity. I just couldn’t do it – running through a tepid sponge is bad, this morning was just beyond that. As much as I hate it, starting next week my weekday runs are at the gym after my arm workout. I don’t like running on a treadmill. And I will just have to suffer through the long run on the weekends.

I had a snack last night after dinner – I’m guessing around 350 calories. I did it because I was hungry. I generally eat around 900-1000 calories during the day, then dinner is something like a piece of meat (grilled, baked, or sautéed), and 2 vegetables. After I eat I still feel hungry. So I am making a pot of vegetable soup and some sugar free jello next week. I can have a cup of soup with or after dinner, and the jello can be “dessert.” That’s not a lot of extra calories, it’s healthy, and maybe it will prevent me from eating junk after dinner. I refuse to be hungry.

Heather is quitting her diary. I understand her reasons and respect them. Hers was the first weight loss blog I ever read, but her diary is so much more than that. It’s about life, how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves. Sometimes these little pages tossed out there by normal people are well crafted, thought provoking, insightful. That’s why I enjoy them so much. And I love to read about what other people eat. Ha!

(I’d list what I ate yesterday, but it was a totally weird day: hurried breakfast, business lunch, really excellent dinner though (whiting breaded with Japanese panko crumbs and sauteed, corn on cob, zucchini) and the dreaded bad after dinner snack. Ugh.)

The food stops over there.

Well, I haven't been real happy about it, but control has been re-applied to my life. Food was perfect Monday and good yesterday. I lifted Monday, and walked for 55 minutes. Yesterday my run got rained out, but I did squeeze in a 35 minute walk. Today I ran (to make up for yesterday) and am lifting after work.

For the record, Monday's food:

B: optimum cereal w/ berries & soy milk
S: homemade 3 bean salad (with splenda and a little olive oil)
L: salad with a can of tuna & 1/4 c garbanzos
S: a payday
D: "gumbo" - a load of veggies, a chicekn breast, and cajun seasonings in the crockpot. YUM!
S: 190 calories worth (a small single serving bag) of pistachios.

I have to say I felt much better yesterday than I have in a while - maybe cause I was eating healthy food, ya think?

We went out with my mom yesterday, and my options weren't great, but neither was my dinner so I didn't eat much of it. Which meant I had 1/2 a california roll and a light beer when I got home. Today is back on track, eating dinner at home. Sauteed fish, zucchini, and corn on the cob.

My evil right knee (ton ACL) was bothering me some on the run Sunday. We are in denial. It felt okay this morning, but that was just 3 miles. We'll see.

Running happens between feedings

Ugh.

Friday is a haze of food. I don't remember what I ate. I don't remember ever eating like Friday before. Ugh. Last night wasn't the best either, but it wasn't like Friday.

Saturday and most of Sunday I ate really well. And I did my 11 mile run Sunday morning. Its beginning to take me a few hours to recover from these things. Not tired - like laying on the sofa beat. Just feeling a little not-quite-all-there. Weird, but nothing scary. I guess running for 2 hours requires some recovery time. Imagine that.

This Sunday I ate half an energy bar and made sure I had gatorade/water mix in my camelbak. The week before I just had water, and no pre-run food. That was tough. I felt much better this week.

The first 3.5 miles were the usual argument with my whiny inner child (who hates running). The second 3.5 I was a goddess, and the final 4 I was a mortal - a little tired and kinda bored (I was running loops in the sub-division at that point). I think next week I'll do the sub-division miles first, then the 3.5 out & back with lots of different scenery.

At least I did that much.

You make your own destiny

Maybe that sounds a little melodramatic, but Diet Chick made a good point a couple of days back: each moment we are making choices. Those choices influence who we will be in the future. For big decisions affecting our choice of house, career, our retirement fund, its obvious. But the little choices that fly under our radar screen (a second buffalo wing at the leadership conference) add up to have some pretty big cumulative effects.

Its all about choices. Lately, mine have been mixed. I did have a 200 calorie after dinner snack last night, but I did pass on a second buffalo wing or meatball at the conference yesterday afternoon. Those two choices probably “cancelled” each other out, more or less. But do all the little choices I make add up to improving my health & fitness or not? Lately the answer feels like a draw.

I did life weights yesterday. I did swim 500 yards after. Today I took 2 walks at work: 25 minutes and 30 minutes (I moved my run to tomorrow). I am lifting this afternoon, and packed my suit for another swim. As my friend Heather says “Something Every Day.” That’s where I’m at. Not every choice can be “perfect” – whatever that is. Not every choice can be the best. You can’t pass up a second buffalo wing unless you had one in the first place. But my choice not to have a second was a good one.

All I can do is just focus on the moment – making good choices in the here and now. The cool thing about the little choices that fly under our radar screen is that alone, each is pretty painless. But together, they can take us a long way.

Shocking News: Food Relieves Stress


Wanna know why people turn to food when they are stressed? Because it works! Ha! I mean, it has unpleasant side effects – weight gain and all that. But hey, its cheaper and more convenient than going down & getting a prescription for Prozac. Besides, does Prozac work as quickly as pretzels? Didn’t think so.

I’m not talking about true depression here. I’m talking about temporary, event related stress. Food helps. While I’m not endorsing this method, I’m not going to criticize you if it helps you get through a rough spot. And I think a giant pretzel and a couple of beers (used occasionally) is better for me than medication. Certainly helped last night, thanks very much.

Having said that, we have agreed to go to a marriage counselor to help us talk out how we deal with money. Let’s just say my husband’s family didn’t offer him many role models for good communication skills. And I’m no saint either. And I would rather work together now when we are having a little conflict, rather than 5 years down the road when we are having a really big conflict. I think of this as an investment in our future.

Here was my day yesterday:

Exercise:
3 mile run. I was tired (maybe it was that 7:40 pm yoga class Monday night), but physically I felt fine. But mentally it was not my best run.

B: egg mcmuffin (no cheese) & diet coke
S: 2 low fat string cheeses
L: big old salad with tuna and garbanzos
S: grapefruit and half a payday
D: homemade “fried rice” with loads of veggies, chicken, and shrimp
S: 2 beers and a giant soft pretzel

There are days I feel so fit, and then there are times…… ugh. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at yoga Monday night. I really do want to lose weight. I know I sabotage myself at times, but I also know that the way I live now is a way I can live forever, compared with “being on a diet”.

Tonight I am swimming after I lift weights. Did I mention Monday’s session was good? Chest & triceps on Monday. Tonight is back & biceps. My shoulders are looking good. Just need to up the old cardio.

Cardio – bane of my existence

Okay, I have a confession here. I read a couple of blogs where women did triathlons. Last winter I was bored out of my skull, sick and tired of walking on the “dreadmill” or the elliptical. I needed something to give my mindless hamster-like cardio routine meaning. Other people did it, so I figured I could too. And so I went forth and trained for a triathlon. The purpose wasn’t to complete a triathlon (although I did). The whole point of this exercise was to add variety and purpose to my cardio workouts. Which it did. Naturally, I had to actually do the triathlon at the end, otherwise I could just quit.


Well, that’s the point of the marathon too. Although I have to say it’s a little nearer and dearer to my heart than the triathlon was. It sounds more daunting I guess *lol*. But I needed some motivation to actually run more – to do more cardio. So, imagine my feelings when, confessing my routine of late to my trainer, she confirmed my suspicions: I’ve slacked off on my cardio. How is such a thing possible while training for a marathon? Here’s the scoop:

I am following the Galloway training program for beginning runners. (You can check out his web site if you want the specifics). In a nutshell, he has you run 3 days a week, 2 short and one long (which I’ve been doing). Then for 3 other days you are supposed to be doing 30-40 minutes of walking or some other form of low impact cross training (biking, swimming, elliptical etc). He does say you can sub 1 day of upper body weight training for one XT session. That still leaves me missing a couple of cardio workouts. I’m lifting 3 days a week, doing yoga once a week, running 3 times, but lately that’s been it. No biking or swimming. Just the occasional walk here at the office.

So, this week I’ve gotta re-focus and work on getting in more cardio. I plan to swim after weights on Wednesday & Thursday. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on something, it seems like I lose control. ALways juggling - thats me.

The weekend that was

I don’t know about you, but I had a nice weekend. I have gotten a little more perspective on the whole financial thing. I reached acceptance and am ready to deal with it and move on.

We did a whole bunch of stuff around the house – yard work, plus painted and steam cleaned the boy’s room, got his furniture re-arranged…. Just a bunch of stuff! And as an added bonus, not only did all that stuff burn calories, but I ate totally on plan until Sunday night. Hello!!!! That’s like the first weekend in forever – so being good busy helps.

I had a planned treat Sunday night (beer and taco chips) and an unplanned treat at lunch today (wound up having pizza with hubby when we bumped into each other running errands at my mom’s place). Oh well, deal and move on. Eat clean the rest of the week.

My run yesterday was .. long. 10 miles to be precise. I may need new shoes – one foot was hurting. And I was getting tired near the end. But did you read that number? When was the last time I ran double digit mileage. Was it in this lifetime??? I am very proud that I hung in there, even though I was tired the last mile. I rock.

And I will not skip weigh in this week. I had stress, I succumbed for a couple of days, I dealt with it, and now its back to life.

Today is a new day

I left work, went to the gym, had a good workout (legs and shoulders), then went home & cried. I heated up an emergency dinner from the freezer (homemade Brunswick stew) and finally wound up sitting on the sofa, having a couple of beers, some chips we had in the cupboard, and then some of the ice cream my sister left at my house last week. Needless to say, I skipped weighing in today.

I just feel so profoundly sad and when you are grieving it seems like it will last forever. That’s where I am right now. I have stuff to do this weekend – paint my son’s room, steam clean his carpet, re-arrange the furniture in his & the guest bedrooms. There is still some yard work that needs to be done as well. My joy for everything is gone. I know it will eventually come back. I just hope I don’t sabotage myself too badly in the interim.

This is just so outside of how I normally am it feels like there is an alien who has taken control of my emotions. I hate this, and I hate wishing my life away to be at the time when it has passed.

Is it the weekend yet?

Ugh. Still down in the dumps. Eating was okay yesterday, although I did have a beer while watching some 80’s hair band show on VH1. And I didn’t get up to run this morning. I just laid there, feeling like my whole body was made of lead. Since I can’t really talk to my mom or friends, I have decided to talk to a professional. I just feel so angry & sad and I really need to let it out and not take it out on my husband.

For the interested, here is my workout routine for Mon & Wed. Today is legs & shoulders.

Monday (chest & triceps):
Bench: 100/8 100/8 110/5
Incline press: 25/12 30/8 35/8
Dumbbell flys: 12.5/12 15/10 20/8

Dips (between benches) 3 sets of 20
Total arm tricep 2.5/12 5/10 5/12
Tri pull downs 45/12 60/10

Wednesday (back & biceps):
Dumbbell rows: 30/12 35/10 40/8
Seated rows: 60/12 65/10 65/10
Total arm lat pulldown 50/12 60/12 70/10

Preacher curl: 20/10 20/8 20/8 (that’s plus the bar – I dunno how much it weighs)
Dumbbell curls: 20/12 25/6 25/6
Cable curls: 40/12 45/10 45/10

Thank you for the kind words

I have gotten not just a very nice comment, but also e-mail regarding my last message. First of all, thank you. Kind words from someone you only know via the computer are still kind words. And much appreciated.

The bad news is financial in nature. And while bad, needs to be kept in perspective (by me). My family is well, we have our house, we have our health, and we have the ability to fix this. Its just going to be a while and some of our plans (new deck, trip to Miami) will just have to get postponed for a couple or 3 years.

On the bright side, I like beans :-)

Major Stress

Well, I got some bad news that night and I can't say that I handled it very well. Hubby and I had just gone out for a nice dinner out our favorite mexican restaurant (and I had a beer with dinner as well) for my "treat Tuesday". After said news I wound up spending the evening crying and drinking another 3 beers.

Right now fitness doesn't seem very important and I would very much like to crawl into a hole and die. But I think I'll just see if I can't plod on to preserve my well being.

Kicking it up a Notch

That seems to be my theme for the next couple of months and I got a head start yesterday! Now that my son is out of school, my schedule is a little more flexible and I am using that time to get some chores done around the house, work on my yard a little (although nothing compared to kick butt yard ovehaul going on over at Diet Chick’s house!), and power up my workouts.

For June and July I plan to lift weights three days a week rather than my usual 2 I have been doing for over a year now. Yes, I’ve made some great gains in both strength and muscle mass, but I certainly can afford to add a little more. Yesterday was chest & triceps. I was driving to the gym, not really wanting to work out. Sonja wasn’t there, and a part of me was hoping she’d be late so I could bail (some days I am so pathetic). But she showed up and we had a totally awesome workout!

Chest: 3 set of bench presses: 100/8, 100/10, 110/6
Incline bench: 20/12, 25/10, 30/8
Dumbbell flys: 12.5/12 (too easy), 15/10, 20/8

Tricep: (cue the Rocky music)
We set up the benches, each took an end, and did 3 sets of 20 tricep dips. I know it sounds dorky, but I usually only do 15, but having her doing them on the other end of the bench really fired me up to push that extra bit. My triceps were singing “Ave Maria” when that was done. Too awesome!
Hammer strength total arm: 2.5/12, 5/10, 5/12
Cable push-downs: 45/12 (too easy!), 60/10

Abs: 2 sets each of the ball, bicycle, and side planks.

I went home feeling on top of the world!

Food yesterday was back to normal after the weekend of doom *lol*.

B: had scrambled egg beaters with bell pepper, mushrooms, and a little beef chorizo for breakfast. (W-M had my beloved soy chorizo but I already had the beef at home in the freezer. I hope they have it again this week!)
S: 2 lowfat string cheeses (I could eat these forever!)
L: leftover creamed spinach (homemade, don’t worry!), poached salmon, and half and ear of corn on the cob.
S: an orange and the whole payday (gotta keep up the strength for that workout!)
D: Cookout at neighbors. 2 pieces of grilled chicken (I removed the skin), ½ c baked beans, and a helping of their homemade potato salad (Grandma E’s recipe). I haven’t had potato salad in ages – oh my gosh! Yum! And a berry crisp for dessert (made with whole berries, oatmeal, and a little brown sugar). Thankfully there was no vanilla ice cream.

We had a very nice visit, but didn’t stay too late since I had to get up and run this morning.

The weather here has been a little cooler and less humid – and the running conditions this morning were optimal. Sunday I decided to try & make my 3 miles runs during the week a little more intense. So, I eliminated 1 walk break, shortened 2 others, and tried to run the running portions faster. Well, by the end my legs felt like “leads”! But in a good way. It felt good to really push it out. And with my son over at grandma’s, I wasn’t worried about getting home quickly to hustle. Hubby’s lunch was already prepared and he was in charge of his breakfast this morning (optimum cereal), so I only had to worry about myself and tidying up the place a bit. I still got to work on time, but felt a lot less rushed, and was so upbeat after such a great run.

I was reading Ron Harris’ daily pump this morning (he is a body builder and free lance writer on body building etc). A friend sent him a note which read “Danger: Cardio is a drug.” How true! He was concerned about doing too much cardio prior to a show and losing muscle - I don’t have that problem. But cardio makes me feel so good, it would be easy to do too much and overtrain, injuring myself. I know lately I’ve been feeling guilty about “only” lifting weights and doing yoga on Mondays and have toyed with the idea of adding additional cardio. But I think that might be too much, unless it was a morning walk. And I don’t want to get up early on any more days than I already do! I think adding an extra day of weight training was a smarter move. We’ll see if it pays off on the scale.