The Discipline of Steel

My philosophy regarding change is simple “The more things change, the more they suck.”  I am a creature of habit.  I eat the same foods over & over, I like my exercise regime to be well, regimented, all the sheets for my bed are the same color, I love the Flylady system (see link on side) for keeping my house in a high state of order with a minimum of effort.

Wednesday my grandmother (my mom’s mom, not the psycho one) was taken to the emergency room.  She had gotten out of her “secure” alzheimers unit and fallen on the road.  Just road rash, bruises, and a couple of nasty gashes on her face.  So, I frantically drove to the hospital, then sat and waited by her side for 4 hours (until my mom could get there).

I missed my workout, and I missed it.  I realized that even though my feet aren’t dancing as I head to the gym, I have discovered “the discipline of steel.”  (It’s from my favorite Arnold movie “Conan”, not my second favorite Arnold movie, “Pumping Iron”.) 

I love the routine, the sense of accomplishment, the burn, seeing the same faces.  I started lifting a year and a half ago. I started lifting with Sonja at the Y a little over a year ago.  We’re friends and training partners now.  I push her as hard as she pushes me.  I lift the 45 pound plate off her lap after she does weighted dips, and she does the same for me.

When I went yesterday, we combined the workouts from both days (omitting legs due to my long run upcoming tomorrow).  We brutalized our triceps, killed our shoulders, and biceps got a mere beating cause we were tired.

Dips with the 35 pound plate (3 sets of 15), then the overhead thingie with 35 pounds, then more dips to muscle failure.  Should presses with 35 pound dbs, oh my god!  Oh yeah, and I did pull-ups only off-setting 50 pounds!  We were so tired when it was over.  I was sweating – something I rarely do while lifting.  Since we had a lot to do, we went heavy & hard.  It felt wonderful.

This has been a sh*&ty week.  My ex-stepbrother treated my mom crappy, the thing with my grandmother, my husband leaving our dayshade set up during a storm so it got ruined (a new one is $100 and we have to have it for our camping trip), plus my period.  Hello, its amazing no one is dead.  Its amazing that (other than one 22 oz bud light purchased on the way home from the hospital) I have stuck to my eating plan.  I only missed one 30 minute walk since we made up our shoulder workout.

I feel better physically, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.  I took care of myself despite the stress, and I’m glad. 

My Favorite Weight
 
Well, I maintained this week.  I have fluctuated between 152 and 154 since April.  While I have a fairly large frame and muscular build for a short girl, that’s too much weight.  And I’m frustrated.

That being said, I had another good food & exercise day yesterday.  Hubby was home, so we indulged and ate the lasagna our neighbors brought over.  They make the best lasagna ever, but from the looks (and taste) of it, I’m sure its loaded in Italian sausage.  I had a good sized yet controlled portion.  And they only brought over enough for the 2 of us to have it for a meal, so I don’t have to worry about leftovers!

I bought some O’Doul’s amber because they were out of my usual Sharp’s at the grocery this past weekend.  The down side is it has more calories (90 versus 58) per bottle,  but its very tasty.  I had one of those in the evening while hubby had a beer.

I ran 30 minutes on the treadmill and then walked 30 minutes here at the office.

I ran into an acquaintance upstairs this morning and she asked how much weight I’d lost.  When I told her I’d been on a plateau for about 3 months she had several suggestions including: an Atkins okay 1 day cream cheese and nut diet, Smarties after your workout (to keep metabolism high) and protein right before bed.  I may try the protein one.  Hell, I may even try a one day wacky diet next week after my long run this weekend.  Maybe on Tuesday.  We’ll see. 

I Want To Lose Some of This FAT!!!!!!!!!

BTW – Long weekend!  I’m off the next two days.  See ya on the flip side!

Living a Life

That’s what I’m doing now I guess.  I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  (Do women have those?)  I’m coming to the realization that this is my life – I seriously doubt I’ll get rich, write a best-seller, or become an astronaut.

I am generally happy with my life – I have a nice house & family, a good marriage, and a job that I am pretty happy with that pays me enough that we do okay.  But I’m not very satisfied lately and that comes from within.

It’s not about wearing a certain size of pants, it’s more about stretching myself to do and experience things.  I’ve never been an athlete, but I would like to push myself.  This is my life – I can sit on my sofa and watch tv (which I don’t enjoy all that much), or I can become a better cyclist and do another tri next year, take up adventure racing, and go camping more.

Part of this is coming from the fact that my son is getting older (9 ½) and I am happily married and now have time to think about it.  Part is the thing with my grandmother, and I think a little is because of hubby having this out of town job for the next several weeks is giving me plenty of time alone.

And I’ve been feeling stressed and sad – part is reason driven and part is just because of nothing in particular.  And I’ve been denying/fighting those feelings rather than just accepting that this is how I’m feeling now.  And its okay, it’s normal to feel sad sometimes.  We can’t be happy constantly.  Fighting your feelings can be like trying to move a mountain sometimes.  Instead, I think I’m better off to just accept that I’m going through a sad period and take care of myself and be patient.

Yesterday was a good day.  I ate healthy foods, kept to my food plan, got plenty of exercise (1/2 hour walk at work, 1 hour weight training, and ½ hour walk at home).  I felt in control and empowered.  This morning it was raining and thundering, so I drove to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  And then I walked for 30 minutes here at work, even though my friend didn’t have time to go.  My mom offered to take my out to lunch, but I said thanks but no, and came back here to eat my tuna on a bed of salad.

I feel good about the choices I’ve been making, but I also know that I may give in and eat something I don’t really need.  I just keep reminding myself that I’m maintaining and I’d like to lose, but I’m not gaining.  My running is improving, and I am seeing pay-off from the extra weight training I’ve done this summer.  It doesn’t all come at once.  This is for the rest of my life – its not like I need to be at goal weight by x date OR ELSE.  Or else what?

So, moving to a better place emotionally.  And I’m proud that while I’ve made some bad choices, I have not gained a lot of weight.  Last fall I gained 10 pounds, and then had to really struggle for about 6 months to take it back off.  I may be stalled, but I know that I won’t let that happen again this year.

75 Channels and Nothing to Watch
 
Now that the Tour is over, what am I gonna watch on tv???  I was rooting for Lance (who wasn't?), but I have to confess to being a big Jan Ullrich fan.  For one, he was riding on a team in East Berlin back when I was living in Berlin, and I tend to pull for the Germans (my family is from there and I lived there)  and he's just a very powerful rider with lousy timing.

I've been in a weird mood the past few days, feeling kinda cruddy, which has been made worse by poor eating habits.  I didn't run this weekend - I was a big slug.  Ugh.

A while back, my husband picked up 2 old but nice Fuji road bikes.  The only problem is that the smaller one has that bar thingie across it (I think of that as a "boy" bike) and I don't know how to get on and off w/o hurting myself.  But all bikes have that dumb bar these days.  I guess I have to learn to get on and off w/o hurting myself b/c I would like to get better with my biking and thats not gonna happen on a $150 Mongoose.

I feel like I am on a fence.  A part of me would like to become fit and athletic and have an active lifestyle.  And a part of me would like to keep my old (bad) eating habits.  Sooner or later, its gonna be time to get off the fence.

Step Away from the Wonder Woman Costume
 
When I got to the gym yesterday, Sonja said “You look like crap.  Are you coming down with something?”  That pretty much sums it up.  I go to work, go to the gym, then go home and sew till bedtime.  I’m exhausted after only 2 days of that schedule.  So yesterday I gave it up.
 
I did my legs & shoulders, plus mixed in a little bis & tris so I could skip the gym today.  Then I went home, had dinner, watched Lance, took a long soak in the tub, & read a book until bedtime.
 
After a good night of sleep, I got up rejuvenated!  I ran 3 miles this morning.  After work I’m going to go home & hit the sewing again, but with no trek to the gym it should be more manageable.
 
Yesterday was good on the fitness front.  The usual 30 minutes walk plus weight lifting.  Food was good too:
 
B: French toast (made with lite bread & egg beaters) & spam
S: low fat string cheese
L: Lean Cuisine shrimp scampi, a little salad, and Wow Doritos
S: plum and half a payday
D: sliced tomato & cucumber, 1 c spaghetti with a can of anchovies
S: 2 non-alcohol beers and a blue bunny no sugar ice cream bar
 
The grand total it right around 1,500 calories, which is pretty good.  I can’t really go lower than that with my exercise program, I just get way too hungry & start to feel bad.  So I don’t do that.

Tired
 
I’m tired.  I dunno if its PMS, the fact that I slept poorly Monday night, how much I have to do to get ready for vacation (even if its fun stuff), I just don’t know.
 
Hubby came home a day early last night.  It was nice after I got over my crankiness at having my plans changed.  I don’t like change, especially when I am busy being “Mrs. Captain Cranky Pants”.
 
Anyway, I made a nice dinner since he was home, and we did have a couple of beers while watching “Excalibur”, but it was all planned in.  I walked 30 min, did 20 on the elliptical, and lifted weights (chest and back).  I was tired while at the gym, so we left abs for today.
 
Having hubby home, I slept good last night, and moved my morning run to tomorrow so we could snuggle.  Our little 10 pound Chihuahua-mutt dog kept squeezing in between us.  She missed her daddy *lol*
 
So, tonight is the food I planned for last night – which is a repeat of Monday.  I think the extra 20 minutes on the elliptical is all I can muster.  While I packed stuff for hubby’s cooler and made breakfast, he washed the dishes and folded laundry.  What a sweetie.
 
I also made my son another medieval tunic for vacation last night.  It came out nicely, if I do say so myself.  :-)

The Vampires Helped me See Reason
 
Well, I didn’t run this morning.  I was planning to run 4 days this week instead of the usual two weekday runs.  Even though my heel has been bothering me a little bit and Jeff Galloway says “don’t overdo it.”  I wanted to finally break this weight plateau.  Luckily, last night I was home alone, which meant I didn’t sleep very well.  I also had a couple of bad dreams (involving vampires), so when this morning rolled around I decided I needed more rest.  Usually blowing off a workout is not a “good thing”, but when you are adding extra workouts specifically not in your training program in order to lose weight faster, then you are asking for trouble IMO.  So, I will do my usual run tomorrow.
 
The thing is, I feel like I should be doing more to help break this plateau, but that’s easier said than done.  I walk 30 minutes 5 days a week (at a comfortable pace).  I lift weights for 60 minutes 3 days a week.  I run 3 days a week.  I mean, how much more can I really add?  I am going to add 20 minutes on the elliptical post weight training.  We’ll see if that helps.
 
Eating was good yesterday.  No post dinner snacks, although I did have 2 non-alcohol beers (58 calories each).  That’s pretty darn good.  I had a healthy dinner (sautéed chicken in leftover homemade country captain sauce – it’s a tomato curry sauce) and a plate of sliced cukes and tomato with seasoned plain fat free yogurt.  Yum.
 
I am making my son 3 shirts and my husband 2 (these are medieval style tunics) for our vacation – I did my son’s first shirt last night.  I love costuming!  It was a lot of fun and it looks really nice.  Sewing costumes for me is very relaxing and I am very excited to have stuff to sew.  I may go buy some muslin and make a couple extras if I have time.  We’ll see.  I still have more sewing after these shirts I have cut out.  And I am painting celtic knotwork designs on sheets to make “walls” for our outdoor shower. 

 Ready for vacation.

And now, for your morning Road Kill Report
 
That’s the down side of running on a semi-country road.  The opportunity to really examine each new road-kill in stunning detail as you slowly jog/walk by.  This week wasn’t bad – a Canadian goose, a couple of feet off into the grass.  The usual collection of extremely flattened frogs and other little creatures.  Nothing highly disturbing like last week’s opossum (pregnant).  My husband has standing orders that if he should ever bike past a dog, he is to go get the car immediately and pick my ass up as I will be crying by the side of the road, unable to go on as soon as I see it.  I love animals – the world would be a wonderful place if people were as nice as pets.  Sorry if that seems pessimistic, most people aren’t evil, they’re just goobers.
 
I have figured out the key to losing weight:  stop shoveling crap in my mouth all weekend.  As soon as that happens, I’ll let ya know.  Ha ha ha!  Oh well, I’m very fit for a chubette, right?
 
We missed a wedding Saturday since hubby had to work.  That sucked.  I was very disappointed.  Sunday we just hung out & worked on projects to get ready for big vacation in August.  Hubby started his out of town job today – he’ll be home on Wednesday.  We haven’t been apart much in our marriage – this will be tough.  But the $ will definitely help a lot, oh, and make vacation a lot more pleasant!
 
I ran 2 miles this morning – there was a car acted really odd.  Driving really slow around the ‘hood.  It made me uncomfortable enough that I only ran 2 miles rather than the planned 3.  Now hubby is all worried with me running while he’s out of town.  I didn’t tell him about my decision to do a “very bad thing.”  I am going to run every day, Monday through Thursday.  And do 20 minutes on the elliptical after weight training, Tuesday through Thursday.  Friday I am doing nothing because I have an 18 mile run Saturday. 
 
After the “run of doom” we are going to our couple friend’s house, where R and I will drink foofy drinks and watch HGTV while the men burp or something.  We aren’t the kind of people to have tons of  “friends” – although we would say we have lots of good acquaintances.  But R is hubby’s closest friend, and his wife R is probably my closest girl friend.  And because they got married a year after we did, and are fixing up their first house too, and have a lot of the same interests, and they are great people, we have just bonded well and love to hang out together.  They live about 90 minutes away, so its close enough we can see each other when we want, but not so close we get tired of seeing each other.
 
My 7-miler this weekend went well.  My eating did not.  As frustrated as I get, its obviously not frustrated enough to stop.  I have all my meals planned for this week, and feel confident I’ll do okay.  Maybe the extra exercise will help.

Neca’s Wacky Weight Loss Scheme (tm)
 
So, I was down an incredible half a pound this week!  You know, the one I gain every other week, and lose on alternate weeks?  Ugh.
 
Hubby is taking a job out of town for the next few weeks, coming home mid-week.  So, that gives me 3 nights per week alone, where I can eat simply, not cook, and work out more.
 
So, here’s my wacky weight loss scheme for while he’s away:
 
1)      Plan all my meals, using some tv dinners and pre-portioned leftovers.  Eat within my calorie range.
2)      Exercise more.
3)      Move snack night to when he’s home, and avoid snacks the other nights.
4)      Plan stuff to keep me busy (as needed).
5)      Spend a lot of time soaking in the tub.
 
Think it’ll work?

This is an update?

Nothing too exciting to post, but I wanted to check in. Tuesday I had my after dinner snack (even though its planned, it still makes me feel guilty). Yesterday eating was good – although I did substitute my mixed nuts at my afternoon snack for Oreos. Oh well. 6 oreos won’t kill me I guess.

I did not go to the gym yesterday (it was leg & shoulder day). Hubby & I went shopping! We are going on vacation in August. I realize, camping (with no electricity, in a tent) for more than a week with 13,000 other people is not “fun” for most people. Especially since during the hottest part of the day, several thousand of those people will be donning medieval style armor to participate in the world’s largest medieval battle re-creation – for 5 of those days. But its our vacation.

Anyway, we needed stuff for camp – table top tikis, new water carriers (they have running water but its too nasty to shower in, let alone drink!), a stand for our camp stove, a new “grill” top to put over the fire. Mmmmm – meat cooked over a fire. I can’t wait!

Have I ever mentioned how I met my husband? We both do medieval battle re-creation. Kinda like civil war re-enactment, but ours is full contact – and we are making the battle up as we go rather than “acting out” a specific scene from history. Complete with armor, costumes, medieval pavilion (think the camp in LOTR without the cool painting). Love it, although I do demand a “real” vacation at least every other year. (For the record, that involves white sandy beaches and foofy girl drinks)!

Just trudging along – headed in the right direction, just moving awfully slow I feel like.

Yesterday’ food:

I’m not a big poster of food lists, but I like to every once and a while.

B: 2 slices fat free bologna on whole wheat (only 80 calories and it tasted so decadent) I have no idea why I was craving bologna sandwiches.
S: 2 low fat string cheeses and a nectarine
L: salad with grilled chicken breast and a hard roll (no butter). Half a cookie. (I had to go to a luncheon, so this is really excellent)
S: nectarine and 1 oz mixed nuts
D: Weight Watchers enchilada casserole and ½ c refried beans

That’s it, plus walked an hour and lifted weights (chest & back).

The Fine Line Between Urination and Dehydration

Well, I ran the farthest I’ve ever run in my life this weekend – 15.7 miles. I can’t believe it.

So, the run redux:

First 7 miles were normal, by the 10.5 mark I was a little tired, by the 12-ish mile point, I was beginning to be really tired. At 14 mile mark I wanted to hang a right and walk the 50 yards to my driveway. I turned left to do the last 2 miles. Realizing I was out of liquid (and it was getting hotter and more humid by the second), I cut off a cul de sac and cruised on home. The last 1.7 miles were horrible. But I did it.

I took all the recommendations to heart: more food & water before, used gel at the 7 mile point (my, but that stuff is a special kind of nasty!), and drank and ate quickly after. That peanut butter sandwich was a slice of heaven.

After I collapsed into my chair with water and my sandwich, my hubby comes in and says “I’m taking you out to breakfast. Don’t worry – you can go just like you are.” I busted out laughing and said “I can’t put shoes back on my feet.” That was man speak for “I wanna go out to breakfast so I’ll make it look like I’m treating you.” My response was wife speak for “no”.

Men. On the plus side, he rode his bike and stuck with me quite a bit to help me pass the time. That was great. He’s a sweetie.

Overall the weekend was pretty nice. I worked like a dog Saturday, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc so that I could do nothing after my run Sunday – which is exactly what I did. I napped, bathed, picked up when the mood struck, and watched movies. Very nice.

Today is weight training at the gym. Which reminds me – I had the weirdest dream about lifting weights. I dreamed I was at the Y lifting weights with this guy. He’s someone I see at the gym, but I don’t know him. So it wasn’t really him – just someone that looked like that, if that makes any sense. Anyway, in the dream he is telling me how much progress I’ve made – he’s really dissecting the muscle growth (which is true) and complimenting me on the progress. And I have made loads of progress in the muscle development/ weight training department. Then he looks at me and says “Now you need to love yourself enough to stop over eating and take care of yourself – lose the weight and be the best you you can be.” Wow.

The Drama Never Stops

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled fitness blog for a rant about my dysfunctional family. There is not “fun” in this dysfunction, please stop reading if you aren’t interested and come back Monday when I will let you know how my long run went.

Still here? God knows I wish I weren’t. You know, hubby & I are going to some counseling so we can get help working through our differing views on money, confrontation, and anger. Our marriage is a good one, but new, and we want to keep it on the right path. So, we are working together, learning new things about each other, and drawing closer than we were before.

Therapy can also be a very painful time, as you examine old hurts in order to better understand (and help your partner understand) why you hold some of the beliefs you do. It’s like pulling the scabs off stuff you normally don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on.

So, with scabs pulled off, vaguely depressed in a non-directed way, concerned about hubby who is trying to finish a very stressful job – who comes along to pour a little salt on those open wounds? My grandma, who writes my mom a letter (received yesterday), stating that she is cutting all ties with us both and never wants to see or hear from either of us again.

As my mom said, “Well. There goes 38 years of friendship.” (For the record, this is my dad’s mom).

I could go into an in depth analysis of the 3 generation manipulative, psycho, craziness that goes on on that side of my family, but what’s the point? Way to go grandma, you just alienated the only 2 people you had not already estranged, or been estranged from. Or maybe she already felt that way and hadn’t said so (which I believe). God knows she’s always had this weird passive-aggressive, talking behind your back to other family members mojo going on.

And because all of this stuff is so near the surface, this is affecting me a lot more than it normally would. I know my grandma for what she is, and I know a little of how she got to be that way (not that it is okay, just that I understand a little). And this wouldn’t bother me so much if I hadn’t made such an effort in the last couple of years (after the death of my mom’s dad) to get closer to her. Given that my other grandmother is in end stage Alzheimer’s, she’s the only grandparent I have left.

I realized that both my dad and his mother always made their affection conditional. They loved me if I were “good” (i.e. did what they told me). I remember my dad and his wife giving me a hard time about how much I was eating as a young pre-teen/ teen-ager, reinforcing my belief that I wasn’t worthy of love unless it was based upon my looks or behavior.

No wonder I have such a screwed up relationship with food.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

We met my sister & her boyfriend at the baseball game last night. The weather was great – not humid & a nice little breeze, and the tickets were free.

I had a very small dinner, so I could have half a chili dog and half a beer at the game. Other than a couple of my son’s nacho chips, that was it. Last year when we went, I was crabby as heck b/c they were sold out of hot dogs, not to mention miserably hot and muggy! *lol* This year was much better.

Did shoulders and a light leg workout yesterday. On the weeks where my long run is really long, I am going to start scaling back my leg workout. I’ll do a heavier workout on the in between weeks. Sonja was cool with this – she doesn’t really like doing legs the way I do.

Tonight is biceps & triceps. I am really seeing a difference in my arms – they are coming along nicely. I am running 16 miles this Sunday. Have I mentioned that already? Have I mentioned that these long runs are becoming daunting emotionally as well as physically? I am really pushing myself way out of my comfort zone now. I guess that’s why I wanted to do this thing in the first place.

Sometimes when I get down about my still poochy belly (which feels like its even poochier than normal as of late) or my jean size, I remind myself how much I’ve done – the bench press competition, the triathlon, running the longest distance I’ve ever run in my life.

Did I mention there is a local kid’s triathlon series local to me? My son is going to become a triathlete in his own right this summer. Sharing an enthusiasm for competition, watching him get excited about this stuff – that almost means more to me than any of the stuff I’ve done on my own. I’m so proud of him!

I Hate Shopping

Yesterday morning I was griping about not having enough decent clothes for work. It is true: I'm in one of those weird in between stages. I am able to wear (nice) shorts to work, which is great in the heat & humidity we are experiencing now. Unfortunately, except for 3 pair, my shorts fall into one of the following categories: too small, threadbare, or hand me downs from my mom that look like they are left over from the 80's - so not my colors or fabrics.

So yesterday, my husband gives me some money and asks me to please go shopping. It was so sweet, and I did have time after work yesterday. Unfortunately, while innocently sitting at my desk someone attached a hose to me and blew me up. Me & my swollen belly went to Kohl's. There, it either didn't fit or looked like something your grandma would wear on a carnival cruise. Oh god.

Next I went to Wal-Mart. Yes I did. I found 2 pair of capris that are okay. They are comfortable - mostly b/c they are 1/2 a size too big, but the next size down was a little tight. I didn't spend a lot of money, but add that to my existing shorts and couple of sundresses and I should make it through the summer.

My head is not in a good place today. I was feeling good about my body, and that shopping trip blew it. Feeling sad, I used part of the money to feed hubby & me pizza and beer for dinner.

Ugh.

My Bike has missed me

And I have missed it. I rode my bike twice this week – Saturday and yesterday after the gym. I know I’m not a “serious cyclist”. I have a little cruiser (with a wide seat). But its fun to ride around. Someday I might have enough money to afford a real rode bike (and lessons on how to use the sucker!). In the meantime, I’ll just ride around on my little mongoose, happy to be getting some exercise.

My 7 mile run Sunday was good, and I ran 3 this morning. Mostly it was nice to just hang out with my husband this weekend. We did some serious talking today, but not over the weekend. We just focused on hanging out. I am eating some weird things – but I am eating what sounds good. I am watching my portions though. Like last night, I had spaghetti (1 cup) with anchovies and garlic. This is one of my favorite childhood meals. I’ve eaten it 5 times in the past week. Weird, I know. But if I crave it, then I can have it for dinner. Every night if I want. For the record, I also had leftover grilled veggies, so it wasn’t an unhealthy meal. Giving myself permission to eat has been interesting. The funny thing is, instead of pigging out, I’m feeling more in control than I was before when I was trying to be all strict about my food.

I am going to the dr tomorrow to get the results of my thyroid test. I’m anxious to see what she has to say.

Post Weekend

Well, it was a nice weekend. We cooked out with our neighbors. We did grilled vegetables and a couple of those "beer can chickens". Let me tell you, that chicken was incredible! It was so juicy and tender - yum! I am hooked! My mom made pasta salad and the neighbors brought homemade banana ice cream. It was a very nice meal and we had a great time.

I am back at work today - its very quiet, and doesn't even feel like work :-)

I am still reading Geneen Roth's books. I'm nearly done with "Breaking free from compulsive eating" and then have "Why Weight? A guide to breaking free from compulsive eating" to read still. I am finding her books very useful.

Instead of trying to control what I'm consuming, I'm focusing on feeling my feelings as I eat. It has been pretty enlightening. I have given myself permission to eat, which has been a bit scary. But I haven't stuffed myself the way I've always been afraid I would either.

I maintained last week, and right now I'm okay with that. Until I understand what I am getting from eating & being overweight, I'm happy to work on understanding and just maintain my weight.

I did not make healthy choices this weekend, and I really paid attention to how those made me feel. I rode my bike 7 miles Saturday and ran 7 miles Sunday. I could tell my performance suffered. Next weekend I am running 16 miles and I know I cannot do that if I've eaten crappy or consumed alcohol the day before. But by recognizing that, I don't feel like I'm laying down strict rules or depriving myself by eating healthy the day before. I know I have to plan better next weekend, and I feel okay with that.

More & more I'm finding that this isn't about losing weight, for me its about getting in touch with feelings I didn't know existed. That will lead to a healthier me, inside & out.

Little Orphan Diary

What can I say? Life gets busy, and my poor diary gets left sitting. On the weight front, I maintained this week. I can’t say this was a week “deserving” of a loss, my eating was very so-so, and exercise was minimal. Once again I’ve been using food to cover up emotions. I’m working on that.

The other thing I’m working on is being kinder to myself. It’s okay to miss a run or have a beer – its really not the end of the world. But I act like I just went out & murdered some puppies when I “slip” – like hello, that’s life. Chill out. Keep the momentum going in the right direction & you’ll get there. You’re supposed to enjoy the journey – it’s the only one we get.

I make no promises about this weekend, other than to do the best I can, try to spend some quality time with my husband, and enjoy myself in ways that don’t involve food.