Eat some oatmeal & see me in the morning

I love that quote that goes something like “let your food be your medicine, and medicine your food.” Here’s why:

Scene 1: Son and I are having our weekly discussion of what he wants for breakfast and lunches the following week. (Yes, I am a freak who plans out every single weekday meal her family eats a week in advance.) He tells me that of the 7 kids at his assigned lunch table, he is the only one who brings a “healthy” (his word) lunch. The other 6 either buy lunch or bring a Lunchable. He tried for 2 weeks to get me to buy Lunchables, but I refused. I agreed to pack the equivalent from healthier stuff, but not the pre-packaged deal. The cafeteria lunches there aren’t the healthiest choices. So, according to him, he’s the only child at his table that eats a healthy lunch on a regular basis.

Scene 2: I am running into the grocery to grab some yogurt (the organic Stonyfield Farms were on sale for 50 cents!). There is a little boy with his mom standing near me as I search for my yogurt. He was probably a bit younger than my son – 9 I’m guessing. It was hard to tell because he was so overweight (his mom was too). They are having a discussion – he wanted chips & dip as a side dish to go with their steak for dinner. She says no, but agrees to serve it as an appetizer. It made my heart hurt a little, to see a child that age so overweight.

Food yesterday was fine – I did have 1 oz of buffalo pretzels and a light beer after the boy & I went for our after dinner walk. It was budgeted in, but I do feel a little bloated this morning, even after walking for an hour. Think I’ll be sure to skip the snack tonight before I weigh in tomorrow.

I am going to the gym tonight. I am being a wimp and going to the old gym – I don’t feel comfortable going to the new gym for the first time by myself. Why do I feel like a baby writing that? Why do I feel bad about feeling that way? I’m shy in funny ways at times. Oh well – I will work out. Where remains to be seen. Guess you’ll have to read again tomorrow to find out! Hah!

Live from the budokon

I am not a person who reads about something in a magazine or whatever and runs out to purchase it. However, I read about an intriguing exercise video in “Shape” mag, and I did just that. It’s called “budokon” http://www.gaiam.com/retail/product.asp?product%5Fid=90-0068 – it’s described as an “easy-to-learn synergy of authentic Japanese and Korean martial arts, power yoga and meditation”. What American multi-tasker doesn’t want to get all that done at once??? The guy’s credentials look impressive, so I decided to blow $15 and give it a go. Check out http://www.gaiam.com/ is you are a new-agey type – their site looks pretty cool. Once my house is devoid of others humans (this weekend) I plan to give it a go. I’ll report back.

Food is still looking good. I had a 22 oz beer chilled to split with hubby last night, and I was too tired to drink it. Can you believe that??? Instead I had an O’Douls and a few of those buffalo pretzels. I’ve been craving them like crazy, so I decided to buy a bag and eat a small portion each day. Maybe that will knock the craving out. Even though that was a lot of calories right before bed (in the 240 range), it fit into my allowance for the day.

I got up and walked for an hour this morning – it felt fantastic! I did a little jogging, but mostly walked. Breakfast was chocolate yogurt and raw rolled oats – a little heavy on the calories (320, I shoot for 250-300 normally), but it was yummy! A little sweet maybe, perhaps I should use plain yogurt and add a little chocolate powder…..

My long term exercise plan looks like this:

Cardio: 1 hour session 6 days a week. Walking or running or biking – outside as much as possible. One of those will get longer as I build up my mileage.
Weights: 2 – 3 sessions per week for a good 45 min to an hour.
HIIT: 2 sessions tagged on after weights
Other: some yoga, stretching, budokon or whatever – something for my flexibility.

Currently I’m doing decent on the cardio – the rest is still in the goal stage. However, my homework for tonight is to write out a total body workout for the gym tomorrow. I go tomorrow after work, and then on Saturday morning with the hubby.

I stole Chris’ food idea – I am dividing my luncheon plate into fourths. If our dinner is a casserole type thing (like tonight) I make that my carb side and include a veggie burger to bulk up the lean protein, and I cook plenty of veggies. I bought a bag of that tri-color slaw blend that’s just the veggies. I’m using that to either bulk up my salad, or adding a bit of dressing and using it as a second vegetable.

Hub is out of town at his D&D game this weekend. I need to plan all my food out (including treats!) so I don’t go overboard while no one is looking. Like the calories don’t count if I am alone in the house. Please.

Step One Done!

After I dropped the boy at tkd, I went & did the grocery shopping. One ability that has helped me lose weight & keep it off is that I plan food for the week, and we eat most of our meals at home. The better I plan, the better I eat. When I fail to plan, I wind up eating crap on the fly. (The fact that I’m still 15 pounds to goal is total fear of losing weight & has little to do with my planning or cooking abilities.)

Exercise still isn’t there, but I have 2 trips to the new gym planned for the week, and I promise to execute on that. The weather here is cooling off a little, which means that soon I’ll be able to start running and/or walking with the boy in the afternoon some days. That’s always fun.

Nothing terribly exciting, just slowly settling back in to normal. It feels great.

And how was your weekend?

Can I tell you what a great weekend it was? We bought season tickets for Busch Gardens (good through next season!) and headed out for Williamsburg. The boy actually rode a roller coaster with me! He didn't like it, but he tried it. That was cool. We spent Saturday at the park, had dinner at a nearby Italian place we know, then went for 4 more hours Sunday. We got home pretty tired and it was after 8, but we all had a blast (my mom went with us).

Today after work I have to by groceries and the boys are going to do some housework to get the house in better shape. So, plenty of chores didn't get done, but really, who cares? My family had a blast. That was worth a messy house & an empty (until this evening) fridge.

My reality check came in, and I demand a refund!

155. I got on the scale today for the first time in exactly 4 weeks. I was up 4.5 pounds. Honestly, I can’t believe it isn’t worse. Those are “real” pounds, which means they’re gonna be “real” hard to get back off. But at least now I know where I am.

I got up at 4:30 this morning and walked. I’m glad I did it. I have a ways to go to get back to where I was - not so much on the scale, but more on the attitude & habit side of the thing. I've started taking a few steps in that direction.

Absolutely nothing exciting to say

Food wasn't too dreadful yesterday and I did manage to get in a good walk in the morning. I suspect the gym will start next week. Tonight is tae kwon do party and homework nad hopefully a couple of errands squeezed in there as well. Need to see about getting e-tickets to Busch Gardens.

I'm doing okay. I got out my "Body Sculpting Bible" so I can go back and re-evaluate my gym program. Sounds like something I can do in the car. And I am ashamed to admit I still haven't had time to read the latest Harry Potter book - that will definitely be making the car ride with me!

Moving On

I am home from work today. I didn't get much sleep last night. My family has closed around me to comfort me. I know there will be days when I handle all this better than others, but its past time to close the door my half-sister insisted I open. There's nothing for me there. I am pondering looking for a support group for adults who were emotionally abused as children. I've been down the therapy path - I think just talking to other people who understand might help. Just to reinforce that I'm not alone & not to blame.

I have to focus very hard right now on taking care of myself - providing my body with the right foods, in the appropraite amounts, exercise, and plenty of rest. If I care for my body it will help my soul.

I haven't figured out what I'm going to tell my son about why we aren't going to his aunt's wedding. And I don't know that he will ever see her again. I worry about how all of this is going to affect him. My mom & I (with hubby too) decided that rather than go to the beach, we'll head up to Williamsburg to go to Busch Gardens this weekend. We love BG, and it will make a great getaway. I know my son will enjoy that more. Just need to figure out what/how to explain...

My dog Carmen is at the vet - her liver is acting up again. The vet says she may have a touch of pancreitis (sp?). I am scared it's getting close to time to say good-bye for now. But I refuse to think about that today.

Have I ever told you about my grandpa? (last post where my potty mouth shines through)

I have been given some amazing blessings in this life - my mom's whole family included. It's like the creator knew that my dad & his whole family were fucked, so he gave me a great half a family to make up for it.

My grandpa (my mom's dad) was raised by his great aunt & uncle. His parents divorced when he was a baby (1916!) and his mom remarried, but never raised him. He never knew the whole story - his dad continued to live in the same small town, but never had any contact with his first born. His dad ultimately remarried and had other kids, but still never included my grandpa in his life. His relationship with his mom wasn't all that great.

In the new millenia paradigm, he would have turned to drugs, killed homeless people for kicks, and wound up on parole, but turned out onto the streets to kill again. In reality, he was an amazing husband, father, and grandfather. I remember his funeral - my mom was a way too broken up to speak and my uncle had died only a year before, so I spoke. The one thing I remember talking about was his amazing sense of humor. I never saw the man lose his temper - he was fair with everyone he dealt with, he never lost his perspective, and he could always laugh at himself. He was an amazing human being. On days like today, when I am forced to confront head-on the more shitty cards that life has dealt me, I remember my papa and his strength and his love for me. I could never be as amazing as he was, but so help me I swear I will always try.

I've been given bad, but it has made me cherish the good so much. Like my wonderful mom, incredible husband, inspiring grandparents. The ying and the yang. I could turn to a life of crime on the streets (deadbeat economists :-), or I can be like my grandpa and strive to be my best, no matter what my f(*^&-ing priest sister thinks about me.

family sux ass

So, my sister wanted me to reconcile with my dad. Nevermind that the man emotionally and verbally abused me for 30 fucking years. So I try. He takes a passon having anything to do with me or my son. I write & say how much I've been hurt by his abuse. She calls and uninvited me, my husband, my son, & my mom from her wedding this weekend.

If you are abused, practically no one will believe you and will treat you like shit. If you are the abuser, everyone will believe you and try to support you.

What’s the plan?

As I alluded to (briefly) in my last post, this past weekend I mapped out a plan for myself. I’ve been in reactive mode these past weeks, and that never works for long. The hub & I had a talk about who is doing what which evenings, when we will each work out, and divided boy duty up. Here is what I came up with:

Exercise
I needed to up my cardio as it had gotten kinda slack. I am getting up earlier (4:30!) so that I can fit in 1 hour of cardio in the mornings every day except Monday. On Monday afternoon I will use the indoor track at the boy’s school while he is doing tae kwon do. That way I can sleep a little later on that day. I will continue to walk at lunch during the work week. Given the speed, this doesn’t really do a great deal other than give me a good stretch, but its something. I’ll walk some days, run others. That should give me a good amount of calorie-burning time.

As I said, we signed up with Triangle Fitness. It’s cheaper than the Y and gives us 24 hour access. Besides being tiny, the school fitness center has very limited hours. This works better since hub’s gym time is before work. He got up at 4 this morning, packed his lunch, and went to the gym. Early morning gym works for him, afternoon works for me, so that works out well. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons are going to be my gym time. If we’re home, I can add a third workout in on the weekend, but 2 will be the minimum.

Food:
Chris has mentioned dividing up the plate and that is one technique I am using. For example, last night’s dinner was a big serving of green beans, a portabella/soy burger, and tuna casserole as a side dish. Everyone else was eating the casserole as the “main” thing, and it was fairly healthy, but I still elected to eat a smaller portion and use the burger to boost my protein. Breakfasts, lunches, & snacks will focus more on calories in conjunction with being unprocessed. My goal is in the 1300 calorie ballpark, but I’m not being so strict about counting at dinner – rather, I’m fixing healthy things, eating a lot of veggies, and using a lunch plate to help control portions. I am also planning my food for the day and committing to eating only what is on the plan. I have one item for post-dinner, with a max of 100 calories. I’ve been eating after dinner too much lately.

I built myself a nice excel spreadsheet with all my daily habits I want to encourage – flossing, face washing, exercise, etc. The first day always goes well, but I plan to hang with this for a while.

Up for Grabs

Several weeks ago, Lexy offered up a few books on her blog. The books were free and she paid for shipping. The only deal was that the recepient had to make the same offer to her (or Lexy's) readers when she finished.

So: I have a copy of "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel for the first person who emails me asking for it. I will pay shipping, but you must agree to pass it on to one of your readers. If you don't have a blog, please offer it to mine & Lexy's readers when you are done.

It was a very eventful weekend. Some good, some bad. Wrote my dad, attended a very entertaining wedding where I saw a bunch of friends, saw another dear friend for supper, volunteered at a local PowWow, even had time for a really awesome 4 miler Sunday morning (I was thinking of you Jack!), cried for my grandpa who I miss terribly. And joined a gym! I'm looking forward to a quiet week. :-)

Why I think men and women handle stress differently, and a gym review

I was reading a blog the other day. It’s a weight loss blog written by a man, and he was talking about the fact that even though he is under a great deal of stress right now, he isn’t going off his diet plan.

His remarks weren’t meant to be critical (I don’t think) and I didn’t take them that way. But it did get me thinking. See, for about 3 weeks now we have been housing a friend of my husband. The same friend we had to toss out weeks ago after enduring his mooching to a point I was ready to check myself into either an asylum or the Betty Ford clinic. Really. Gee, I wonder if this little factoid has anything to do with my recent eating troubles?

I think men and women are reared to handle their stress and anger very differently. Boys are encouraged to find healthy outlets for their aggression. For girls, the degree to which you are trained to hide your “negative” feelings depends on the culture in which you are raised, but we all get it. Growing up in the south, I was taught that “nice girls” don’t express negative feelings. While it may be changing, that’s why eating disorders and other forms of self-mutilation (like cutting) have long been the bastion of women. That’s how we deal with stress. Oh yeah, and by eating. It's the whole "Scarlett O'hara" mentality: stick the knife in the back, but do it while smiling pretty, offering a glass of iced tea, and saying "Isn't that niiiiiiiice?"

I can’t handle having a house full of people for an extended period of time even under the best of circumstances – I was raised to enjoy peace and quiet. And this is a person I don’t particularly like. But I have felt obliged to accept this person into my home even though it is making me physically sick to do so. After a second morning of breaking down in tears, my husband put his foot down, because I can’t. I am a failure as a southern hostess if I kick a mooch out of my home. I feel like a trapped animal. This is pitiful.

Now for the gym review!

Yesterday after work I stopped at my son’s school to lift weights and use the indoor track. Here are my current thoughts on the great gym decision of 2005:

Pros for the school gym.

1. It’s free.

2. It’s convenient – I drive past his school on my way home from work, so it’s not out of the way at all.

3. If the hub can’t pick him up, he’s right there at the child care, so he can just hang out in childcare a while longer while I get some exercise.

4. Did I mention it’s free????

Cons for the school.

1. The weight room is tiny tiny tiny! Like, I barely had enough room to do my upper body free weight routine. It’s very tight quarters.

2. They don’t have a squat cage (but they do have a Smith cage).

3. Maybe it was just yesterday, but the room was quite hot.

4. The weights are really old – so they are straight bars in the middle and really large on the ends. This makes some exercises a bit difficult.

5. I can’t say I care for the music.

6. I don’t have a good feeling working out there.

My plan is to go back to the school today and do my leg routine. Then I will make up my mind. The Y is the most expensive option, with Triangle fitness a little cheaper even if we both join. The school gym is free. Ultimately, the best gym is the one you use. If I don’t enjoy working out there, I won’t even if it’s the most convenient option.

I want to take my home back. I want to take my life back. I feel like such a failure to admit I feel powerless and am having to hide behind my husband.

“We need a montage (Even Rocky had a montage)”

I guess that’s funnier if you recognize the “Team America: World police” reference. Anyhow…. You know how in action movies they always have the great training montage? Think Rocky running up the steps of that museum, or Jean Claude van Damme as Frank Dux doing the split atop the Buddhist temple in “Bloodsport”. In the 2 minutes 39 seconds it takes for the catchy action song to play, our hero gets motivated, works his (or her) butt off, and gets ready to kick butt. Isn’t that cool? Dontcha wish it worked that way in life? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I only had to experience those super exciting moments. Who wants to watch Rocky drooling over a bag of pretzels or watch Frank Dux bust into the hotel room mini-bar the night before the big fight in the kumate? Totally not tape worthy moments. On the other hand, I doubt anyone would want to watch me have a quiet breakfast with my son the way we do every day. Maybe a montage goes by too fast, and doesn’t give us the opportunity to savor the moments.

Yesterday I got up, fixed a healthy breakfast, and packed a healthy lunch. I walked at lunch with my friend. I ate roughly 850 calories by the time I left work. Dropped the boy off at tae kwon do and went over to his school to use the indoor track. The track is fairly standard – 13 laps is a mile, pretty springy. One corner has ellipticals, one has treadmills, and there is a little alcove with a couple of bikes. The equipment looks to be Soviet-made, circa 1962.

After warming up a couple of laps, I decided I would jog a couple, walk a couple. I didn’t have my running shoes, but I wanted to get my heart rate up. I stopped to use one of the ellipticals for 5 minutes for a change of pace. Even on the next to lowest setting, that thing was tough! But it worked. At one point I’m jogging around listening to the Isley Brothers singing “It’s Your Thing” and I wanted to throw my hands in the air & burst out into song (you know, like the church scene in the “Blues Brothers”). I though about VJ’s post yesterday, talking about how she always feels so good those few minutes riding her bike to work. Exercise does that for us. Isn’t it ironic that when we need it the most, we want it the least?

After moving my body the way it was built to for 45 fabulous minutes, I picked up the boy, went home, & heated up some soup. Had a great beefy tomato soup with ½ a roll. Then walked another mile, got cleaned up, had a fudgecicle & brushed my teeth. Could not get up this morning! I was pooped!

My plan for tonight is to lift weights at the potential new gym, which the hub now also wants to join.

Thanks for all the great comments. I am feeling a lot better.

Who do you want to be today?

This weekend I decided to scrub off the “V” (for “victim”) I apparently wrote on my forehead a couple of weeks ago. Yes, this is always a stressful time of year. Trying not to put too much pressure on myself was a good idea, but unfortunately it didn’t work. Stress at home on a multitude of fronts, sadness about the hurricane, the fact that tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of the death of a friend – I used all that as excuses to overeat and overdrink. Here I sit at the end of it, feeling so much worse for the wear.

Yeah, I still overindulged a bit this weekend. But I took time to do some things I wanted to. I painted the top of my vegetable bin. I painted a quilt block on the top, with some other decorative painting. I bought school supplies for my son, checked out the new gym, bought fall fabric and traded out my tablecloths & kitchen valences for new ones I made yesterday. I made homemade potato salad (a first!) based on what my mom said my grandma used to put in hers. I had a house full of people over for a cookout.

I also went running. God it felt so good. The cool morning air this time of year is really something special. In the name of being “kind” to myself, I’ve been doing myself a terrible disservice. Failing to take my vitamins for a week??? How is that being nice to me?

Pity party is over. I am still feeling down, but eating buffalo pretzels ain’t the answer. Instead of shoving the feelings under a pile of food - I decided to feed my body what it really needs: healthy food, sleep, & exercise. And to feed my soul with some artistic creation.

Today’s title taken from that font of wisdom, Oingo Boingo.

Some improvements

Hub took the boy to tae kwon do last night, which left me free to hit the gym (after a healthy hot meal courtesy of my crock pot). After much consideration, I elected to do my weights at the Y - I am still up in the air about the whole gym situation. It wasn't any great shakes - 40 minutes of total body. But it was better than nothing, so instead of thinking about how inferior it was relative to prior workouts, I focused on the fact that I got my butt there. Which is good since I went home and had 2 beers and a sugar free fudgecicle. Other than that, I stuck to healthy food choices - so yesterday was a mixed bag eating wise I guess.

This morning I got up and went for a 2 mile walk. I plan to walk with my friend at lunch (which we did outside yesterday!), and while the boy is a tkd this afternoon I will likely go over to the gym at his school since its only a mile down the road. I still haven't gone over there for actual exercise - just checked it out.

We have a trip planned to northern northern north PA this weekend and both our travelling companions have backed out. So, no one to help with the 11 hour drive - not to mention no one to share gas costs. That sux.

I'm outta town the next 3 weekends. I need some down time, not to mention bike time, time to go on an epic 3 hour run, and maybe time to work on some fun projects around my house. I think I fritter away my weekends, but I can't figure out on what.

I heard Houston took a lot of the animals rescued from areas hit by the hurricane. I guess it seems shallow to worry about them, but I do. Gotta go google their shelter & check it out. My company does gift matching, so that helps make my donations really count.

Just One Thing

Apparently, NC has been named a "primary evactuation state", meaning evacuees are being moved directly to NC and from other states that are over capacity. Even as we speak, evacuees are living in the coliseum just a few miles from where I am sitting now.

We have a local website dedicated to getting supplies, housing, and volunteers to these folks. My mom teaches in the middle school just a few blocks from the coliseum - I'm sure she'll be seeing some new faces in her classes in the coming days. I went on the site this morning and volunteered to help with some activities with the kids - bringing movies, games, helping with homework. I figure the boy and I can do that after school. It's just one thing, but I guess it's something. In the face of something so overwhelming, feeling so helpless, it seems like so little, but it's something I can do - you know?

5 a.m.

I got up and walked this morning. I have a healthy lunch packed. I sat & ate a healthy breakfast with my son before school. Little things all, but they are the stepping stones to getting myself back on the path I'd like to be on.

Third Time is a Charm

It may have been going on longer, but this is the third year I realize that post holiday back to school and all that jazz has left me mildly depressed, struggling with diet and exercise, and up a couple of pounds.

And I guess like a lot of people, I am feeling profoundly sad & helpless as I struggle to understand how we created such an uncaring government for ourselves.

Random acts of thinking

Renee always makes me think, which is one reason I like her blog. Yesterday she was talking about the hopelessness and helplessness we feel in the face of disaster, and how it makes our problems seem pretty unimportant.

I left a not very articulate comment that I kinda wanted to expand on. (Not that the expansion is guaranteed to be any more articulate.)

Living where and when we do, we have the luxury of being far more self-involved than people are other places or have been in the past. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – taking care of yourself and your family is good.

If you examine some of what goes on in the world, let’s face it – if you are sitting and reading these words, your problems quickly look pretty trivial in comparison. How long has systematic government sanctioned genocide been conducted in Africa or Eastern Europe? Add natural disasters in the mix, not to mention the sheer numbers of humans living on this planet, and pretty soon you start to feel like a mite on the flea on the dog.

But humans are egocentric by nature – its survival instinct at its core and we all possess that. But since we don’t need to kill to feed, we have the luxury of obsessing over our cellulite. And yes, being able to do that is a luxury, even though it feels like a pain.

Our guilt for worrying about ourselves won’t help anyone – going to the gym tonight won’t help anyone in NOLA but it will help you. And it won’t hurt them either. It’s human nature to be concerned with ourselves. Help however you can, but carrying on is not a bad thing – it’s the human thing to do.

“No one can help everyone, but everyone can help someone.”

------------------------------------------
So, hub agreed that if I drove the scooter to work, he would in turn drive the minivan, taking only what tools are necessary for the job. Since he drives a Ford E150 work van, this will be a huge savings in gas. (His gas bill per week was $120 when gas was $2.40 a gallon – so it’s close to $200 a week now). That will be a pretty big savings for us. So the scooter is looming on the horizon. I plan to hit the Honda dealer this weekend. I am trying to treat this like a car purchase, versus some spur of the moment purchase. I appreciate all the feedback I have gotten – it has helped a lot.

I am still really ragged out. I have a ton of things on my to do list, which means it needs a trim.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Take care.

The great tea diet

Instead of walking last night, I went & checked out a scooter. I’m still on the fence, so I’ve put in emergency questions to VJ & Megan. There’s a cool thing about this little blog community we’ve set up: I don’t know anyone here that has a scooter, so I sure am grateful that I know 2 great ladies online that can answer my questions. That’s just so cool.

My cold is doing great – wish I could say the same thing about me. :-O I drank a ton of hot tea yesterday, appetite isn’t so great. My energy is still pretty low. I have legs on the weight training schedule, but I don’t see that happening. I’ll try to get something going this evening.

I got a fantastic haircut this past Saturday. My hair looked fabulous the past couple of days! Not so great today. Isn’t it funny how you can fix your hair the same, and some days it looks great, and some days mediocre? But mediocre at the right length is still a lot better than too long. Mystery of the ages.

Have I mentioned that I am a minion of satan? Not only did I have the nerve to schedule my son’s dental appointment during PE (“Everyone will be having a good time except me!”), I also told him that he & hub needed to pick up breakfast somewhere. Any other day he’d be thrilled, but this morning? Pissed that I didn’t make scrambled eggs with chorizo. See how tough it is to be evil incarnate? Normally going out would be a treat, so I had to spend the week luring him into my web with yummy eggs, then cut them off unexpectedly. I stay up nights thinking up these ways to torture my child. Doesn’t every parent? So, I come into work this morning feeling like a bull in Spain - stuffed full of barbs (“You’re evil!”) and then sent in to do my job.

My pants look great today.