Sneaky, sneaky
So, after yesterday's exciting cliff hanger post, you may be wondering "How are you going to deal with this fear of failure?" (If anyone is reading this, that is.) I've tried facing these childhood issues in the past - which sounds like a good idea on the surface. The issue is, when something has been planted in your head since toddlerhood, it can be difficult to get it out. So while "face it head on" may sound like the noble and manly (pardon the phrase) thing to do, it hasn't been very effective.
So, I'm going the avoidance route. Don't set big goals. Ignore them. Set goals for today. Just today. Today I will eat healthy. Today I will go to the gym. Don't look beyond the end of my nose. I set plenty of big golas in 2007 and gained 21.5 pounds, so clearly that's not working for me.
btw, I gained 9.5 pounds in 2006. I thought it was such a bad year? Ha! I'd love to have only gained that this year. Oh well, water under the bridge.
Have a good weekend.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
In Search of... A Magic Bullet (Kind of)
I have a cold - gah. I went to bed last night at 8 with a cup of hot tea and a handful of cough drops. Being sick, I haven't been to the gym in a couple of days. Every time I start to get into a routine, I get derailed by something.
Anyway, I have settled on a schedule of the following: 3 days/week: 30 minute cardio session - intervals. 3 days/week: cardio warm-up, total body workout, cardio cooldown, 1 long walk/run. I need to figure out what that total body workout looks like. I know that I have turbulence training and access to CrossFit, so I should be able to come up with something that will get the job done in a short period of time. Push ups, squats, walking lunges, assisted pull ups, mountain climbers. It's not hard to find something to do. I've just gotten really bored with "traditional" weight training programs, which is why (I think) I've struggled with doing it.
I never finished my cooking for the week, and being sick I just have no energy. Last night the hub had to work late, and I took him dinner. I got home and simply heated up an organic tv dinner and called it good. Tonight I have some spagetti sauce in the freezer and the makings of an excellent salad. After that ...??? I'm just glad it's nearly the weekend, so I can get caught up on my house work, on my cooking, and maybe even catch a rest. My poor husband has to work both days of course. I'm just glad his boss agreed to give him January 12th and 13th so he can get a rest. Hopefully this crazy schedule will ease up by the end of January.
I am ending this year significantly heavier than I started it. Unfortunately, the same thing can be said for 2006 as well, so that's not good.
I know I've written before (at least a bit) about my rather disfunctional relationship with my dad. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. As a child, his way to motivate me was to make me fear failure. Maybe that works for some people. It doesn't work for me.
I have found that as I have gotten older, the stakes have gotten increasingly higher. I had a child, then bought a house, then got (re)married. I now have a family, a mortgage, and I am the primary bread winner. When I was young, if I failed at something, I just picked myself up and moved on. Now I have a family counting on me. Failure isn't an option.
The problem is you don't achieve great success without takings risks. That horrid fear instilled in childhood has become paralyzing fear in my adult life. I am so afraid to fail that I am afraid to try. I got so close to my goal weight that I was afraid. Then I started a new (more stressful) job, and I fear failure. So its easier to not try. To use food as a crutch. I need to relieve the pressure but I don't know how.
I don't have answers. I do know I have to find a better way to face my fears.
I have a cold - gah. I went to bed last night at 8 with a cup of hot tea and a handful of cough drops. Being sick, I haven't been to the gym in a couple of days. Every time I start to get into a routine, I get derailed by something.
Anyway, I have settled on a schedule of the following: 3 days/week: 30 minute cardio session - intervals. 3 days/week: cardio warm-up, total body workout, cardio cooldown, 1 long walk/run. I need to figure out what that total body workout looks like. I know that I have turbulence training and access to CrossFit, so I should be able to come up with something that will get the job done in a short period of time. Push ups, squats, walking lunges, assisted pull ups, mountain climbers. It's not hard to find something to do. I've just gotten really bored with "traditional" weight training programs, which is why (I think) I've struggled with doing it.
I never finished my cooking for the week, and being sick I just have no energy. Last night the hub had to work late, and I took him dinner. I got home and simply heated up an organic tv dinner and called it good. Tonight I have some spagetti sauce in the freezer and the makings of an excellent salad. After that ...??? I'm just glad it's nearly the weekend, so I can get caught up on my house work, on my cooking, and maybe even catch a rest. My poor husband has to work both days of course. I'm just glad his boss agreed to give him January 12th and 13th so he can get a rest. Hopefully this crazy schedule will ease up by the end of January.
I am ending this year significantly heavier than I started it. Unfortunately, the same thing can be said for 2006 as well, so that's not good.
I know I've written before (at least a bit) about my rather disfunctional relationship with my dad. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. As a child, his way to motivate me was to make me fear failure. Maybe that works for some people. It doesn't work for me.
I have found that as I have gotten older, the stakes have gotten increasingly higher. I had a child, then bought a house, then got (re)married. I now have a family, a mortgage, and I am the primary bread winner. When I was young, if I failed at something, I just picked myself up and moved on. Now I have a family counting on me. Failure isn't an option.
The problem is you don't achieve great success without takings risks. That horrid fear instilled in childhood has become paralyzing fear in my adult life. I am so afraid to fail that I am afraid to try. I got so close to my goal weight that I was afraid. Then I started a new (more stressful) job, and I fear failure. So its easier to not try. To use food as a crutch. I need to relieve the pressure but I don't know how.
I don't have answers. I do know I have to find a better way to face my fears.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Eight is Enough
Imagine Christmas day at my house: our 4 dogs, my mom's 3 dogs, my MIL's dog. Luckily, 6 of those were little dogs, but still! I found out this Christmas that I am actually allergic to dogs. Our dogs have short hair and we have a very good Dyson vacuum just for houses with pets. Apparently, 8 dogs was simply too much for my system. Ugh! But we had a fun day. :-)
I had a pretty powerful epiphany the other night. it wasn't so much a new idea, but something that's been in the back of my brain, re-jiggered and brought to the forefront. I will have to write about it, but I'm not exactly sure yet how to get the thought out in a coherant manner.
Imagine Christmas day at my house: our 4 dogs, my mom's 3 dogs, my MIL's dog. Luckily, 6 of those were little dogs, but still! I found out this Christmas that I am actually allergic to dogs. Our dogs have short hair and we have a very good Dyson vacuum just for houses with pets. Apparently, 8 dogs was simply too much for my system. Ugh! But we had a fun day. :-)
I had a pretty powerful epiphany the other night. it wasn't so much a new idea, but something that's been in the back of my brain, re-jiggered and brought to the forefront. I will have to write about it, but I'm not exactly sure yet how to get the thought out in a coherant manner.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Dear Santa
If I could only have 1 item (I'm not talking "good health" or "love"), I mean item, I would please like a TARDIS. No one would get use out of it than me, I swear. I'd even save the world and stuff, in addition to keeping my house tidy, my family fed with organic healthful meals, and fulfilling my SCA duties. I really would! (But I'd do a better job if I could have a cute side kick. Just saying.)
If I can also get one of those more nebulous "wish" type gifts, then please don't let me be poisoned from licking the envelopes that came with my holiday cards. I know they were from China, but I didn't have a moist sponge. Could you maybe help me out with that one? Thanks!
That is all.
If I could only have 1 item (I'm not talking "good health" or "love"), I mean item, I would please like a TARDIS. No one would get use out of it than me, I swear. I'd even save the world and stuff, in addition to keeping my house tidy, my family fed with organic healthful meals, and fulfilling my SCA duties. I really would! (But I'd do a better job if I could have a cute side kick. Just saying.)
If I can also get one of those more nebulous "wish" type gifts, then please don't let me be poisoned from licking the envelopes that came with my holiday cards. I know they were from China, but I didn't have a moist sponge. Could you maybe help me out with that one? Thanks!
That is all.
Monday, December 17, 2007
And now, for the rest of the story....
So, Friday at the shelter: I drove out there ("Don't make me have to come over there"). My mom met me there - I think just in case I forgot to try & catch the flies with honey instead of vinegar. :-) Saw the manager, who was very apologetic. She brought out a dog that had just been surrendered as a sort of "consolation dog." Her papers say chihuahua mix - that's the biggest chihuahua I've ever seen! She's not taller than Bess, just bigger boned. Anyway... we agreed to adopt her. An alert was put out to all area vets about Little Miss Sunshine. If they check her chip, she will show up as a "hot" dog. (Get it? Hot dog? Ha! I kill myself...) If she turns up, we get first dibs on her. I guess that's the best I could hope for. The lady said this is only the second time in her 6 years that a dog has been stolen. Go figure.....
I got home Saturday and a few minutes later hub got home from work. He'd gone by my mom's house and picked up the boy and Jordan (we now call her Geordi). She has short white hair and looks like a mix of chihuahua and jack russell terrier. She's a sweetheart, and we all love her already. I just hope that whoever stole Sunshine provides her with a good home.
I have a nasty cold so I am staying home today. Must do some chores though. :-(
Take care!
So, Friday at the shelter: I drove out there ("Don't make me have to come over there"). My mom met me there - I think just in case I forgot to try & catch the flies with honey instead of vinegar. :-) Saw the manager, who was very apologetic. She brought out a dog that had just been surrendered as a sort of "consolation dog." Her papers say chihuahua mix - that's the biggest chihuahua I've ever seen! She's not taller than Bess, just bigger boned. Anyway... we agreed to adopt her. An alert was put out to all area vets about Little Miss Sunshine. If they check her chip, she will show up as a "hot" dog. (Get it? Hot dog? Ha! I kill myself...) If she turns up, we get first dibs on her. I guess that's the best I could hope for. The lady said this is only the second time in her 6 years that a dog has been stolen. Go figure.....
I got home Saturday and a few minutes later hub got home from work. He'd gone by my mom's house and picked up the boy and Jordan (we now call her Geordi). She has short white hair and looks like a mix of chihuahua and jack russell terrier. She's a sweetheart, and we all love her already. I just hope that whoever stole Sunshine provides her with a good home.
I have a nasty cold so I am staying home today. Must do some chores though. :-(
Take care!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Little Miss Sunshine
We have been discussing the possibility of adopting a small dog to be a companion to Bess. The two big dogs play together wonderfully, but neither will play with Bess, and she is inside most of the day – and really all of the day when the weather gets cold. She loves going over to my mom’s to play with her mom and sister, and we decided we wanted her to have a companion at our house.
Earlier this week, my mom saw a Chihuahua on the local “Good Morning” show, so we decided to take a chance and go to the shelter. That dog had already been adopted, but we found an adorable blond miniature terrier mix named “Little Miss Sunshine.” She is the same age and size as Bess, very playful, and not at all afraid of the big dogs. In short, perfect!
After spending some time with her, we (of course) fell in love and decided to adopt her. She was supposed to be spayed today, and come home this evening. Last night I got a call from the animal shelter – it seems that Sunshine was stolen from their facility sometime yesterday.
The woman I spoke with last night was obviously “just” an employee, and couldn’t assist me in any way other than to say the dog was gone. She gave me the name of the assistant director and told me she would be in at 8 am. What she neglected to say was that they don’t answer the phones at the animal shelter until they open at noon. I have left messages, but no one has bothered to return my call. So on top of being extremely upset that my dog has been stolen, I am now totally furious that no one has enough f-ing consideration to call me back! If you don’t hear from me for a few days, you know I got arrested after throwing a temper tantrum in the animal shelter waiting room at noon.
My blood is boiling!!!!!!!
We have been discussing the possibility of adopting a small dog to be a companion to Bess. The two big dogs play together wonderfully, but neither will play with Bess, and she is inside most of the day – and really all of the day when the weather gets cold. She loves going over to my mom’s to play with her mom and sister, and we decided we wanted her to have a companion at our house.
Earlier this week, my mom saw a Chihuahua on the local “Good Morning” show, so we decided to take a chance and go to the shelter. That dog had already been adopted, but we found an adorable blond miniature terrier mix named “Little Miss Sunshine.” She is the same age and size as Bess, very playful, and not at all afraid of the big dogs. In short, perfect!
After spending some time with her, we (of course) fell in love and decided to adopt her. She was supposed to be spayed today, and come home this evening. Last night I got a call from the animal shelter – it seems that Sunshine was stolen from their facility sometime yesterday.
The woman I spoke with last night was obviously “just” an employee, and couldn’t assist me in any way other than to say the dog was gone. She gave me the name of the assistant director and told me she would be in at 8 am. What she neglected to say was that they don’t answer the phones at the animal shelter until they open at noon. I have left messages, but no one has bothered to return my call. So on top of being extremely upset that my dog has been stolen, I am now totally furious that no one has enough f-ing consideration to call me back! If you don’t hear from me for a few days, you know I got arrested after throwing a temper tantrum in the animal shelter waiting room at noon.
My blood is boiling!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Crime and Punishment
That show “You are what you eat” is now in my tivo queue – there are 2 shows waiting when I get home each night, which I have been watching with my hub. While our eating isn’t nearly the disaster of most of the folks on her show, I’m hoping some of the message will rub off.
For the past couple of months, they have been having a “bootcamp” class at my gym Tuesday evenings. I’m not opposed to calisthenics – heck, I know they do some really good stuff for you! I will admit that the name makes me twitch a bit (yes, I have my share of evil drill sergeant stories from my Army days), but I’ve been thinking about going. Yesterday I called the gym and Josh answered, so I asked him about the class. He assured me that it was an hour, but you didn’t have to stay for the whole hour or anything. Which left me wondering: Does he say this to everyone or is it because I’m fat?
The end result of everything was that I was really dreading the class! It felt like punishment. “Sorry fatty, you let yourself go and now you have to subject yourself to being yelled at by some fit chick for an hour.” Gee, doesn’t that sound fun? I normally like a challenge, but I was feeling bad & defeated before I ever went to the class!
When I got home, I put a leash on Bess (the Chihuahua) and took her for a walk. I got home early, so there weren’t many cars because most folks weren’t home yet. It was around 72 with a nice breeze, and the neighborhood was just so quiet. We could hear the squirrels playing in the trees! It was so peaceful and the air smelled so good and it felt so nice. Doing that – walking the dog – felt fantastic. But the thought of going to that class just made me tense up.
When I got back home and said I’d decided not to go, my son said “Why? You’re always saying how you want to lose weight.” Am I really always saying that? (I think he wanted to go to the gym.) I lifted weights yesterday morning, and I went and had a great cardio workout today. Maybe I need to get some longer workouts under my belt before I feel ready for bootcamp. But I don’t want to go to punish myself – I want to go because I’m longing for an awesome workout.
It’s funny how I used to love some weight lifting days and tolerate the cardio days – now it’s just the opposite. Since I’ve been using the “cardio coach” CDs, I’m loving my workouts! The weights are still underwhelming, but I’m doing them.
For the curious, here’s what I’m eating this week:
Breakfast: varies. Maybe lox & bagel (small), this morning 2 eggs & grits.
Snack: 5 prunes & half a can of tuna
Lunch: Moroccan eggplant, vegetable, & bean stew (no meat)
Snack: homemade hummus and a sliced cucumber
Dinner: varies. Tonight its baked turkey cutlets, baked potato, and steamed broccoli.
Snack: half a pimento cheese sandwich
Eating is going well.
I have been thoroughly enjoying the freakishly warm weather. Its back to winter Saturday, with the high for the day 38. Which sucks, because I have to put the dogs outside since the cleaning lady is coming (she’s scared of them) , and that’s awfully cold for them. But I have had the windows open and have really tried to treasure every fresh breeze!
Speaking of fresh breezes, there are 2 organizations I am considering joining:
PATH: Piedmont Appalachian Trail Hikers, is a nonprofit trail club that maintains a section of the Appalachian Trail in southwest Virginia.
Or
Piedmont Hiking & Outing Club
I haven’t discussed either with my family. PATH is the more organized of the 2 from what I’ve seen, but PHOC seems to offer more local activities. I may check both out. I want to do something that will allow me to enjoy the beautiful area we live in, and spend some quality time with my family.
Speaking of spending time together…. Today was the day that hub’s company was supposed to complete the building they are working on and turn it over. Ha! They now pay $1500 per day in penalties for each day they are late. Starting today, it’s 10 hour days, 7 days per week. Gah. He gets 3 whole days off at Christmas (he has to work the Saturday before). We had made those plans for January, and he can get the Saturday & Sunday, but I had to cancel the Sunday night (we’d planned to come back on Monday). Also, he has a side job for January that is going to get pushed back. Not to mention our deck…. I feel so bad for him, but we’re both glad he has a job. Construction jobs are hard to come by these days.
Well, that’s probably enough for today!
That show “You are what you eat” is now in my tivo queue – there are 2 shows waiting when I get home each night, which I have been watching with my hub. While our eating isn’t nearly the disaster of most of the folks on her show, I’m hoping some of the message will rub off.
For the past couple of months, they have been having a “bootcamp” class at my gym Tuesday evenings. I’m not opposed to calisthenics – heck, I know they do some really good stuff for you! I will admit that the name makes me twitch a bit (yes, I have my share of evil drill sergeant stories from my Army days), but I’ve been thinking about going. Yesterday I called the gym and Josh answered, so I asked him about the class. He assured me that it was an hour, but you didn’t have to stay for the whole hour or anything. Which left me wondering: Does he say this to everyone or is it because I’m fat?
The end result of everything was that I was really dreading the class! It felt like punishment. “Sorry fatty, you let yourself go and now you have to subject yourself to being yelled at by some fit chick for an hour.” Gee, doesn’t that sound fun? I normally like a challenge, but I was feeling bad & defeated before I ever went to the class!
When I got home, I put a leash on Bess (the Chihuahua) and took her for a walk. I got home early, so there weren’t many cars because most folks weren’t home yet. It was around 72 with a nice breeze, and the neighborhood was just so quiet. We could hear the squirrels playing in the trees! It was so peaceful and the air smelled so good and it felt so nice. Doing that – walking the dog – felt fantastic. But the thought of going to that class just made me tense up.
When I got back home and said I’d decided not to go, my son said “Why? You’re always saying how you want to lose weight.” Am I really always saying that? (I think he wanted to go to the gym.) I lifted weights yesterday morning, and I went and had a great cardio workout today. Maybe I need to get some longer workouts under my belt before I feel ready for bootcamp. But I don’t want to go to punish myself – I want to go because I’m longing for an awesome workout.
It’s funny how I used to love some weight lifting days and tolerate the cardio days – now it’s just the opposite. Since I’ve been using the “cardio coach” CDs, I’m loving my workouts! The weights are still underwhelming, but I’m doing them.
For the curious, here’s what I’m eating this week:
Breakfast: varies. Maybe lox & bagel (small), this morning 2 eggs & grits.
Snack: 5 prunes & half a can of tuna
Lunch: Moroccan eggplant, vegetable, & bean stew (no meat)
Snack: homemade hummus and a sliced cucumber
Dinner: varies. Tonight its baked turkey cutlets, baked potato, and steamed broccoli.
Snack: half a pimento cheese sandwich
Eating is going well.
I have been thoroughly enjoying the freakishly warm weather. Its back to winter Saturday, with the high for the day 38. Which sucks, because I have to put the dogs outside since the cleaning lady is coming (she’s scared of them) , and that’s awfully cold for them. But I have had the windows open and have really tried to treasure every fresh breeze!
Speaking of fresh breezes, there are 2 organizations I am considering joining:
PATH: Piedmont Appalachian Trail Hikers, is a nonprofit trail club that maintains a section of the Appalachian Trail in southwest Virginia.
Or
Piedmont Hiking & Outing Club
I haven’t discussed either with my family. PATH is the more organized of the 2 from what I’ve seen, but PHOC seems to offer more local activities. I may check both out. I want to do something that will allow me to enjoy the beautiful area we live in, and spend some quality time with my family.
Speaking of spending time together…. Today was the day that hub’s company was supposed to complete the building they are working on and turn it over. Ha! They now pay $1500 per day in penalties for each day they are late. Starting today, it’s 10 hour days, 7 days per week. Gah. He gets 3 whole days off at Christmas (he has to work the Saturday before). We had made those plans for January, and he can get the Saturday & Sunday, but I had to cancel the Sunday night (we’d planned to come back on Monday). Also, he has a side job for January that is going to get pushed back. Not to mention our deck…. I feel so bad for him, but we’re both glad he has a job. Construction jobs are hard to come by these days.
Well, that’s probably enough for today!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
It's hard to make conversation at 5:30 am
My plan to go to the gym yesterday afternoon went down in flames when tech support from work called to help with my work at home settings. Three hours later, my computer was working, but I'd already eaten and settled in for the night. I did take a walk around the neighbrohood though.
Food was very good - 2 smiley faces for yesterday!
I got up this morning and went to the gym to lift weights. There were a couple of new faces around - I guess they are getting a jump on New year's resolutions. Anyway.... the guy at the bench next to me tried to make small talk, but that just isn't possible for me that early. I'm sure he thinks I'm a dork. He seemed nice (andwas cute) so that's too bad, but I am married so it's not like I was hoping to make a love connection. If you'd ever seen me at 5:30 - uncombed hair stuck into a ponytail, gym gear from floor, well, I doubt you'd ask me out either! It's relatively clean clothes, I just leave them in a pile so I can grab and go before I remember some bit of housework I "should" do.
I love that show "You are what you eat" on BBC America. I also like "How clean is your house"? So clearly, I don't do reality tv, unless its done with a bristich accent, which instantly makes it high brow or something.
My plan to go to the gym yesterday afternoon went down in flames when tech support from work called to help with my work at home settings. Three hours later, my computer was working, but I'd already eaten and settled in for the night. I did take a walk around the neighbrohood though.
Food was very good - 2 smiley faces for yesterday!
I got up this morning and went to the gym to lift weights. There were a couple of new faces around - I guess they are getting a jump on New year's resolutions. Anyway.... the guy at the bench next to me tried to make small talk, but that just isn't possible for me that early. I'm sure he thinks I'm a dork. He seemed nice (andwas cute) so that's too bad, but I am married so it's not like I was hoping to make a love connection. If you'd ever seen me at 5:30 - uncombed hair stuck into a ponytail, gym gear from floor, well, I doubt you'd ask me out either! It's relatively clean clothes, I just leave them in a pile so I can grab and go before I remember some bit of housework I "should" do.
I love that show "You are what you eat" on BBC America. I also like "How clean is your house"? So clearly, I don't do reality tv, unless its done with a bristich accent, which instantly makes it high brow or something.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Not quite what I planned
This morning, I got up and wanted to do my Gilad DVD I'd rented from Netflix. If I liked it, my plan was to order it. But I think I did a dumb thing: I set up my step to work out in the garage. Doing a step video on a concrete floor is probably not a good idea, and my shins were really hurting. I did my step video overweight last night (although not this overweight), so I do think it was the floor. Sigh. My plan "B" is to hit the gym this afternoon. I know, I know, but I didn't have time after that this morning.
This morning, I got up and wanted to do my Gilad DVD I'd rented from Netflix. If I liked it, my plan was to order it. But I think I did a dumb thing: I set up my step to work out in the garage. Doing a step video on a concrete floor is probably not a good idea, and my shins were really hurting. I did my step video overweight last night (although not this overweight), so I do think it was the floor. Sigh. My plan "B" is to hit the gym this afternoon. I know, I know, but I didn't have time after that this morning.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
A mixed bag
Yes, I ate a good breakfast, went to the gym, and had a good session on the elliptical. I was very careful with my eating all day. Unfortunately, hub came home with beer. Sigh. I had a planned treat - cheese dip. I had been craving it all week and hadn't had it in a while, so I did. I ate lightly all day, but I know that doesn't totally offset it, but hey, a life without cheese dip? Please!
Having said that, I am back on the wagon today. I am working around the house. I was up part of the night and feel oogie, so I cancelled my trip to Raleigh. There was no way I was up to driving 4 hours!
I slept until 8:30 this morning (heresy!) and skipped the gym. I had a leisurely breakfast with my husband and watched the end of "Bridget Jones' Diary". He is now out looking for a coat for the boy. I went through email and am now going to wash my paws & brush my fangs. :-) Then piddle about the house, and put up Christmas when hub gets home to get it down from the top shelf in the garage.
Despite cheese dip and beer, I would say yesterday was largely a success. I worked out 5 days last week - not the longest or most intense sessions of my life, but they improved as the week went on. My husband was given the day off today (I guess that's our Christmas miracle) and it was nice to sleep next to him without jumping up to an alarm. And to sit on the sofa & watch a romantic movie. And to piddle around my house without feeling stressed. I think the reason I had insomnia and feel so bad is just plain exhaustion. So I'm taking it easy today.
I have a healthy lunch planned and a good dinner. I had a large breakfast, so I'll skip morning snack. My meals for next week are planned, so I have that covered. I bought myself some really good pimento cheese from a local place here in town, and that is going to be my evening snack. I love good pimento cheese, so this will definitely satisfy my need for an indulgence, but I got a small container so if I portion it out over 5 or 6 nights it won't be an unreasonable amount.
And yes, nagging is welcome. Although encouragement might be a better term. I don't have a lot of holiday commitments, so sticking with my eating shouldn't be any tougher than any other time of year. And I really need to get a start now.
Yes, I ate a good breakfast, went to the gym, and had a good session on the elliptical. I was very careful with my eating all day. Unfortunately, hub came home with beer. Sigh. I had a planned treat - cheese dip. I had been craving it all week and hadn't had it in a while, so I did. I ate lightly all day, but I know that doesn't totally offset it, but hey, a life without cheese dip? Please!
Having said that, I am back on the wagon today. I am working around the house. I was up part of the night and feel oogie, so I cancelled my trip to Raleigh. There was no way I was up to driving 4 hours!
I slept until 8:30 this morning (heresy!) and skipped the gym. I had a leisurely breakfast with my husband and watched the end of "Bridget Jones' Diary". He is now out looking for a coat for the boy. I went through email and am now going to wash my paws & brush my fangs. :-) Then piddle about the house, and put up Christmas when hub gets home to get it down from the top shelf in the garage.
Despite cheese dip and beer, I would say yesterday was largely a success. I worked out 5 days last week - not the longest or most intense sessions of my life, but they improved as the week went on. My husband was given the day off today (I guess that's our Christmas miracle) and it was nice to sleep next to him without jumping up to an alarm. And to sit on the sofa & watch a romantic movie. And to piddle around my house without feeling stressed. I think the reason I had insomnia and feel so bad is just plain exhaustion. So I'm taking it easy today.
I have a healthy lunch planned and a good dinner. I had a large breakfast, so I'll skip morning snack. My meals for next week are planned, so I have that covered. I bought myself some really good pimento cheese from a local place here in town, and that is going to be my evening snack. I love good pimento cheese, so this will definitely satisfy my need for an indulgence, but I got a small container so if I portion it out over 5 or 6 nights it won't be an unreasonable amount.
And yes, nagging is welcome. Although encouragement might be a better term. I don't have a lot of holiday commitments, so sticking with my eating shouldn't be any tougher than any other time of year. And I really need to get a start now.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Walk of shame
(I've always been prone to shin splints. Even in my Army days, one good road march was enough to send them right nover the edge. )
This morning I get up at 5 with my husband. I help to pack his lunch & make his breakfast. I write the shopping list so I can go early this morning. I don't feel much like it, but I know exercise WILL happen. Long slow cardio sounds good, and I decide the neighborhood sounds better than the gym. After all, its nearly 40 degrees and the sun is about to come up. Perfect right?
What a stupid idea.
After warming up, I decide to jog for ahalf block or so, just to get the heart rate up. The cardiovascular system is willing, but nothing else is. I jog a half block, and when I stop, my shins are screaming. I mean the kind where you'd call your spouse to come & bail your stupid a$$ out, except your phone is at home and they're at work.
My long slow cardio was 1 mile people.
I am sitting here crying even as I type this. I am so angry with myself for letting things get so bad over the past year. I am angry and scared and the really crappy thing is that I'd love to just go find a good book, grab a cold beer, and pretend this isn't happening to me. But that's what I've been doing for the past year, and that just won't cut it any more.
As I approached my yard, the Rocky theme song came on my mp3. I turned it off -it hurt too much to listen. What feels like my only salvation is the fact that I wrote these words here right now. You'll nag me to find out whether I put on gym clothes & finished up there, or gave up on myself in defeat. Won't you?
(I've always been prone to shin splints. Even in my Army days, one good road march was enough to send them right nover the edge. )
This morning I get up at 5 with my husband. I help to pack his lunch & make his breakfast. I write the shopping list so I can go early this morning. I don't feel much like it, but I know exercise WILL happen. Long slow cardio sounds good, and I decide the neighborhood sounds better than the gym. After all, its nearly 40 degrees and the sun is about to come up. Perfect right?
What a stupid idea.
After warming up, I decide to jog for ahalf block or so, just to get the heart rate up. The cardiovascular system is willing, but nothing else is. I jog a half block, and when I stop, my shins are screaming. I mean the kind where you'd call your spouse to come & bail your stupid a$$ out, except your phone is at home and they're at work.
My long slow cardio was 1 mile people.
I am sitting here crying even as I type this. I am so angry with myself for letting things get so bad over the past year. I am angry and scared and the really crappy thing is that I'd love to just go find a good book, grab a cold beer, and pretend this isn't happening to me. But that's what I've been doing for the past year, and that just won't cut it any more.
As I approached my yard, the Rocky theme song came on my mp3. I turned it off -it hurt too much to listen. What feels like my only salvation is the fact that I wrote these words here right now. You'll nag me to find out whether I put on gym clothes & finished up there, or gave up on myself in defeat. Won't you?
Friday, December 07, 2007
184.5
Yeah, that’s what I saw on the scale today. Oh how I wish I were still complaining about 155! Oh well, it is what it is. I can’t undo the things I’ve done, but I can change what I do going forward. I have to believe those changes will result in weight loss.
I got up and went to the gym today and lifted. It wasn’t super intense, it felt kinda half-hearted, but I could definitely feel it afterward. And it was a better workout than Wednesday. Eating overall yesterday was pretty good. We went out to our (former) favorite Korean restaurant, which has now changed hands and isn’t nearly as good. Unfortunately, it’s the only Korean restaurant anywhere close by. Bummer. I was very disappointed and really wanted something good to eat. I had tater tots and a glass (or 2) of wine after we got home. I’d been really careful with my eating all day, and the only thing that I probably ate too much of was the steamed rice (What can I say? I used to live in Hawaii. I LOVE steamed rise with soy sauce.) So, not a disaster.
This morning I had a protein shake and brought my 2 snacks. I am eating lunch out, but that will be a grilled chicken sandwich from a fast food place with no mayo and a diet soda. I have a healthy dinner already cooked at home (chili). I will go to the gym again tomorrow. I’d like to be 180 by the end of the month – that’s 3 weeks away. I have to be consistent with exercise and more importantly, with my eating! We are eating at home all weekend, so that does make it a bit easier.
I have way too much to do this weekend, but I am going to just take it one step at a time. Have a good one!
Yeah, that’s what I saw on the scale today. Oh how I wish I were still complaining about 155! Oh well, it is what it is. I can’t undo the things I’ve done, but I can change what I do going forward. I have to believe those changes will result in weight loss.
I got up and went to the gym today and lifted. It wasn’t super intense, it felt kinda half-hearted, but I could definitely feel it afterward. And it was a better workout than Wednesday. Eating overall yesterday was pretty good. We went out to our (former) favorite Korean restaurant, which has now changed hands and isn’t nearly as good. Unfortunately, it’s the only Korean restaurant anywhere close by. Bummer. I was very disappointed and really wanted something good to eat. I had tater tots and a glass (or 2) of wine after we got home. I’d been really careful with my eating all day, and the only thing that I probably ate too much of was the steamed rice (What can I say? I used to live in Hawaii. I LOVE steamed rise with soy sauce.) So, not a disaster.
This morning I had a protein shake and brought my 2 snacks. I am eating lunch out, but that will be a grilled chicken sandwich from a fast food place with no mayo and a diet soda. I have a healthy dinner already cooked at home (chili). I will go to the gym again tomorrow. I’d like to be 180 by the end of the month – that’s 3 weeks away. I have to be consistent with exercise and more importantly, with my eating! We are eating at home all weekend, so that does make it a bit easier.
I have way too much to do this weekend, but I am going to just take it one step at a time. Have a good one!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Visualize your future
I am listening to this web site: http://www.lime.com/meditation_room. Specifically, the “forest room”, its got birds and bugs and wind. It makes me think of sunshine and feeling the warmth on my skin and being outside. I love the woods. I really want our next house to have enough property that I get a sense of woods in our back yard.
I am visualizing what I want – to be outside hiking with my family, enjoying the peace and quiet of nature. Feeling energetic and strong.
To that end, I looked at the little pocket calendar in my wallet, I marked some vacations etc. I knew were going on, and I wrote myself a note on a sticky and put it in there to remind me: Only 1 SCA event per month, 1 work at home weekend every month (crafty stuff or stuff for the house – whatever), 1 family getaway every other month. See? That still leaves me one or two weekends I can be flexible with! If I could hit that schedule more often than not, I think I’d feel a lot more relaxed.
(The “water room” is also really nice. I have been enjoying these at work when music just isn’t cutting it.)
I’ve made a decision. No one is going to hand me the life I want. The things I want are within my grasp. I don’t want a big house or a new car – I want time with my family, I want to do fun things with them. I want to spend time outside and enjoy hiking and biking and laughing. I can do those things. I can have those things. If I change my mindset.
I am listening to this web site: http://www.lime.com/meditation_room. Specifically, the “forest room”, its got birds and bugs and wind. It makes me think of sunshine and feeling the warmth on my skin and being outside. I love the woods. I really want our next house to have enough property that I get a sense of woods in our back yard.
I am visualizing what I want – to be outside hiking with my family, enjoying the peace and quiet of nature. Feeling energetic and strong.
To that end, I looked at the little pocket calendar in my wallet, I marked some vacations etc. I knew were going on, and I wrote myself a note on a sticky and put it in there to remind me: Only 1 SCA event per month, 1 work at home weekend every month (crafty stuff or stuff for the house – whatever), 1 family getaway every other month. See? That still leaves me one or two weekends I can be flexible with! If I could hit that schedule more often than not, I think I’d feel a lot more relaxed.
(The “water room” is also really nice. I have been enjoying these at work when music just isn’t cutting it.)
I’ve made a decision. No one is going to hand me the life I want. The things I want are within my grasp. I don’t want a big house or a new car – I want time with my family, I want to do fun things with them. I want to spend time outside and enjoy hiking and biking and laughing. I can do those things. I can have those things. If I change my mindset.
Yeah, I wouldn’t read me either
These days this blog seems to be hanging out in the doldrums. I have some good stuff to blog about today, which is a nice change of pace. I also have 1 not good thing to blog about.
The bad thing is that I totally lost my temper with my son this morning. With hub working 7 days a week, I really need the boy to help out around the house some, which he totally does not do. The only chore I ask him to do consistently is to walk the dogs, which he will do maybe once a week if I threaten him with death or loss of phone.
Anyway, I yelled and cried and said a bad thing when I told him “I feel like I am raising a selfish and ungrateful child.” My dad never has a good thing to say to me – he was always critical and always made me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to do that same thing, but in my frustration I find myself slipping into that dreadful pattern.
I am getting hub to meet me at our favorite Korean place for dinner and I’m hoping the boy will tag along as well (he’ll be with his grandma, but her place is near the restaurant). I want to apologize, and explain (for the 57 bazillionth time) why I need his help right now. Ugh.
Today hub will be doing some supervising – stuff on the job site isn’t being cleaned up the way it should. The assistant foreman has been slacking and this is hub’s chance to show that he can do this as well. We’ll see what happens. He’s been taking extra classes when they are offered and working hard – I am hoping it will pay off for him.
I had a kickbutt workout this morning at the gym. I used the cardio coach volume 2 CD (on my mp3 player), which is a very good interval workout. I may listen to the instrumental version tomorrow when I lift weights – I’d love to get that intensity back on the weights.
I don’t know if I believe that I can make a difference in my weight, but last night I had an okay after dinner snack – a glass of wine and a piece of cheese toast. I know it doesn’t sound the healthiest, but I portion my calories across 6 meals per day, so I have 200-300 calories left for end of day. That may not be the most nutritious snack, but it satisfies my need for “comfort/ treat” food without being too terrible. If I eat healthy the rest of the day, I think a piece of cheese, a slice of reduced calorie wheat bread, and a glass of wine has a place in my life.
I have gobs to do this weekend, but my mom has offered to come over & lend a hand with some housework, bless her. I do have to drive to Raleigh on Sunday (ugh), but other than that I’m home. The next weekend is my big murder mystery event on Saturday, Sunday there is a meeting I should go to, but I’m gonna pass. I think it’s clear that we have a lot going on (did I mention that the boy’s grandpa was rushed to the hospital this past weekend?). I have to make the family and me a priority or its gonna end badly…..
These days this blog seems to be hanging out in the doldrums. I have some good stuff to blog about today, which is a nice change of pace. I also have 1 not good thing to blog about.
The bad thing is that I totally lost my temper with my son this morning. With hub working 7 days a week, I really need the boy to help out around the house some, which he totally does not do. The only chore I ask him to do consistently is to walk the dogs, which he will do maybe once a week if I threaten him with death or loss of phone.
Anyway, I yelled and cried and said a bad thing when I told him “I feel like I am raising a selfish and ungrateful child.” My dad never has a good thing to say to me – he was always critical and always made me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to do that same thing, but in my frustration I find myself slipping into that dreadful pattern.
I am getting hub to meet me at our favorite Korean place for dinner and I’m hoping the boy will tag along as well (he’ll be with his grandma, but her place is near the restaurant). I want to apologize, and explain (for the 57 bazillionth time) why I need his help right now. Ugh.
Today hub will be doing some supervising – stuff on the job site isn’t being cleaned up the way it should. The assistant foreman has been slacking and this is hub’s chance to show that he can do this as well. We’ll see what happens. He’s been taking extra classes when they are offered and working hard – I am hoping it will pay off for him.
I had a kickbutt workout this morning at the gym. I used the cardio coach volume 2 CD (on my mp3 player), which is a very good interval workout. I may listen to the instrumental version tomorrow when I lift weights – I’d love to get that intensity back on the weights.
I don’t know if I believe that I can make a difference in my weight, but last night I had an okay after dinner snack – a glass of wine and a piece of cheese toast. I know it doesn’t sound the healthiest, but I portion my calories across 6 meals per day, so I have 200-300 calories left for end of day. That may not be the most nutritious snack, but it satisfies my need for “comfort/ treat” food without being too terrible. If I eat healthy the rest of the day, I think a piece of cheese, a slice of reduced calorie wheat bread, and a glass of wine has a place in my life.
I have gobs to do this weekend, but my mom has offered to come over & lend a hand with some housework, bless her. I do have to drive to Raleigh on Sunday (ugh), but other than that I’m home. The next weekend is my big murder mystery event on Saturday, Sunday there is a meeting I should go to, but I’m gonna pass. I think it’s clear that we have a lot going on (did I mention that the boy’s grandpa was rushed to the hospital this past weekend?). I have to make the family and me a priority or its gonna end badly…..
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Things I believe (or don’t)
1. You know how you can believe something intellectually, but your heart just doesn’t buy in to it? This is one of those: Either I no longer believe that changing my eating habits and increasing my exercise will lead to weight loss, OR I believe I am incapable of doing so.
2. I believe your hobby should be fun. I’ve lost all the fun bits and seem to be left with the administrative crap.
3. Life should be a mix of good & bad, stress & joy. With my husband working 7 days a week, there isn’t much of the joy around these days.
4. The thought of finding time to send out holiday cards shouldn’t make you tear up.
At this meeting last Saturday, 2 of the groups I oversee in this state were placed on probation. One understood that their reporting hadn’t been up to par and that we are a 501(c )3 corporation and are required to maintain a certain level of financial reporting in order to meet IRS rules. The other had a big hissy and are acting like babies and feel like they are being persecuted (their word). To make it worse, my counterpart from the president’s office is married to the president of this branch and is being a bit micromanaging IMO. So that is adding a lot of suck to my life right now.
I just feel utterly helpless in the face of my weight. Helpless. I truly feel like I have no control over my eating or exercising or health. And that is not a good way to feel. I’m sure its largely a function of the stress I’m under, but the effect it is having on me is terrible. But I can’t seem to figure out how to deal with things. I just feel like I am a victim of my own life.
I have no answers – heck, I’m too scared to get on a scale right now.
1. You know how you can believe something intellectually, but your heart just doesn’t buy in to it? This is one of those: Either I no longer believe that changing my eating habits and increasing my exercise will lead to weight loss, OR I believe I am incapable of doing so.
2. I believe your hobby should be fun. I’ve lost all the fun bits and seem to be left with the administrative crap.
3. Life should be a mix of good & bad, stress & joy. With my husband working 7 days a week, there isn’t much of the joy around these days.
4. The thought of finding time to send out holiday cards shouldn’t make you tear up.
At this meeting last Saturday, 2 of the groups I oversee in this state were placed on probation. One understood that their reporting hadn’t been up to par and that we are a 501(c )3 corporation and are required to maintain a certain level of financial reporting in order to meet IRS rules. The other had a big hissy and are acting like babies and feel like they are being persecuted (their word). To make it worse, my counterpart from the president’s office is married to the president of this branch and is being a bit micromanaging IMO. So that is adding a lot of suck to my life right now.
I just feel utterly helpless in the face of my weight. Helpless. I truly feel like I have no control over my eating or exercising or health. And that is not a good way to feel. I’m sure its largely a function of the stress I’m under, but the effect it is having on me is terrible. But I can’t seem to figure out how to deal with things. I just feel like I am a victim of my own life.
I have no answers – heck, I’m too scared to get on a scale right now.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
When your fun isn’t fun
You know, my fun isn’t really fun any more. I’m putting a ton of work into this whole treasurer thing, and I’m tired. It’s important and all, but I’m tired. I’m not sure how to find the balance in that.
I’m on diet #373 or whatever. And I’m tired of that too. This morning the thought of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym every day for the rest of my life just seemed grim. I’m going this afternoon, which frankly sounds even more grim.
Yeah, I know this is pretty negative and I’m sorry. I wish I felt more positive .. about a lot of things.
You know, my fun isn’t really fun any more. I’m putting a ton of work into this whole treasurer thing, and I’m tired. It’s important and all, but I’m tired. I’m not sure how to find the balance in that.
I’m on diet #373 or whatever. And I’m tired of that too. This morning the thought of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym every day for the rest of my life just seemed grim. I’m going this afternoon, which frankly sounds even more grim.
Yeah, I know this is pretty negative and I’m sorry. I wish I felt more positive .. about a lot of things.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Quickie
The boy's grandpa (my ex step dad) was admitted to the hospital yesterday. The boy was there when he had to be rushed to the emergency room and given 4 units of blood due to a bleeding ulcer. So he hasn't said anything about the dog - or much of anything. he's pretty shaekn right now.
I have a meeting in 10 minutes and I need to wolf down my yogurt. More later....
The boy's grandpa (my ex step dad) was admitted to the hospital yesterday. The boy was there when he had to be rushed to the emergency room and given 4 units of blood due to a bleeding ulcer. So he hasn't said anything about the dog - or much of anything. he's pretty shaekn right now.
I have a meeting in 10 minutes and I need to wolf down my yogurt. More later....
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