Yesterday, I went to the beach

Briefly

We had a really nice time visitng my great aunt in Georgia.  I don't really have a very large family, and (on my dad's side at least) the dynamic is kinda odd.  But the family I do have is very important to me, and going to see my 94 year old great aunt is a priority.  And my mom and I generally have a lot of fun on these trips.

I've been waffling back and forth about what to post (or not) here.  I have been honest about the tremendous amount of stress I'm feeling, but pretty vague about reasons.  I don't know how much detial I'm comfortable sharing, so I've opted for undersharing.

But we have made some (hard) decisions and plans, and things seem to be moving forward.  Not in any sort of ideal way, because there are certain factors simply beyond my control.  But moving, as scary as the future looks right now.

Have a good day and once I've gotten my thoughts together, I'll be back. 

Headed out of town

A good representation of what has been happening around here. :-)

This week has been sort of an epic fail as far as stress reduction, otoh, I am here and writing.  It has been a really shitty week.

We are leaving for Georgia in just a few minutes.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting out of here for a couple of days.

Have a good weekend.

Monday

Kinda how I'm feeling today. :-)

I avoided the computer all weekend, sadly I also avoided the beach due to it raining, and raining, and raining.... which was a bummer.

I am taking a 4 day weekend for my mom & I to go to Georgia and visit my great autn.  We are leaving Friday morning.  I plan to post a couple of times between then & now, but I don't plan to take my computer with me.

Anyway, hope you had a good weekend!

A muscle or a circuit, I can’t think of a good analogy

I have heard resilience described as a muscle, that we can train and make stronger.  That may well be true.  But you can also over train a muscle, doing significant damage and making it so that the simplest of everyday tasks (sitting down, lifting your arms to dry your hair) and be painful or even impossible.

I think that is true of resilience as well – we can over use the muscle, or force too much current through the circuit, blowing it out.  What happens next is like our over training story, where you walk down the stairs backward because you can’t go down them the normal way, or you decide to put your hair into a ponytail and skip the blow out.

That’s where my life is right now.  In the span of 1 year I dealt with 2 deaths in the family, buying and selling a home, moving a significant distance away from my support network, marital stress, job loss (my husband’s – and he still hasn’t found a job 2+ years later), a child who suffered significantly as a result of the move, and of course all the minutiae that comes along with trying to move your family and deal with everyday life and never knowing whether your husband will be working or not.  (He’s been doing temp work.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks.  Right now it sucks.)

Yesterday was a bridge too far and I was reduced to a crying mess and went to bed at 8 because I just couldn’t cope any more.  It doesn’t even need to be a big thing (I would describe yesterday as medium), but when the muscle is over worked or the circuit is blown, the amount of the extra load doesn’t matter – the answer is going to be “no.”  I can’t handle life’s bumps – my ability to do so is completely used up.

Ugh, you know?  Some days, just ugh.  In the meantime......

 

 

More of the same

Just a quick post.  Volunteering yesterday was good, although after doing a few hours of landscaping I was wiped out!  I worked at home for the afternoon because I was pretty grubby.  But it was a nice chance for the team to get together and do something meaningful.  Also, we have several new folks so that gave us a nice chance to get to know each other a bit.

It's really nice having my husband back home and my mom here.  This weekend I am going to get together some packing supplies and mom is going to pack up some of my china & glassware that we don't use regularly - I think I am going to go ahead and send it back to her house. 

Other than that, we are going to go to the beach Sunday morning.

Have a good one!

Good morning

(Picture taken at Everglades Nat'l Park.) Included for no special reason.

Good morning.  My family got home safely last night.  I had miscellaneous leftovers that I pulled out of the freezer and fed everyone.  Cheaper than takeout!

Sorry for the down post yesterday - its just hard when you find yourself in a frustrating place with no easy way clear.  Sometimes just saying that helps.

Today our team is volunteering at a local transitional home for veterans.  We actually volunteered at this same place 2 years ago and remembering that has me a bit down.  My friend a co-worker M was with us that day.  I miss her and I wonder how her 2 kids are doing.  They were both still in elementary school when she died.  I didn't know anyone who died in NY on this day, although there were 11 people from our company who did (they worked in an office in one of the Towers).  But I have lost loved ones and friends, and maybe its enough to remember those people we love and miss today.

Anyway, fridge is cleaned out (its trash day) but the house... well, needs a bit of work.  I have to pick up cucumbers on the way home.  They weren't on my list so I didn't pick them up when I stopped yesterday.  I don't know what I would do without my lists!

We are going to be working outside, but only for half a day. Then we'll do lunch and then I will come home, piddle around the house, and sign in for a bit.

Hope you have a good day.

Good morning

Hello there.  I was perusing a couple of blogs while eating breakfast and I wanted to share this post with you:

http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2013/09/comparing-my-weaknesses-to-your-strengths-why-i-am-so-insecure-and-also-why-i-love-pnk.html

It describes really well something I've been experiencing lately - a feeling of frustration when I read blogs.  Like these people have it all together and I am a mess.  And the problem isn't them - it's me, and not feeling good about myself or my circumstances.

The solution is also me, and I am working on it.  But it's hard, you know?  Change can be very hard, and very scary, not matter what your age.  And all the platitudes in the world like "what does not kill us makes us stronger" don't stand up very well in the face of not being able to take care of your family.

Okay, serious thoughts over - time to get to work!

Of fruit, veg, & the weekend

This weekend I really didn't do a whole lot, but in a good way.  I went to a couple of grocery stores for necessities, but I decided to hold off on buying certain things until right before hub & my mom get here (tomorrow evening). That way some stuff would be fresher.

I did get out yesterday in the morning before it got too warm to get some fresh air & sunshine, which was nice.  I sat by the pool & read.

Today I got up early and cleaned the kitchen, made some salad dressing for my salads, and made myself a green drink.

So, 2 servings of fruit (half a banana and about a cup of frozen mixed fruit) and 3-4 cups kale (I count that as 2 servings of veg since its leafy, although it was smushed down).

Breakfast was 2 deviled eggs and a cup of tea.

Lunch is 1/5 cups chopped fresh tomato, a large chopped cuke, and a cup of chick peas with salad dressing.  I will buy a bunch of leafy greens to dump it over.  I think its safe to call that 4 servings of vegetable. 

For snack I have 4 of the mini clementines, so 2 more fruit.  I will also have a few raw almonds.

That gets me to 4 fruits and 6 vegetables - pretty good!

Dinner tonight will be leftovers and probably another raw salad or maybe a few brussels roasted in the toaster oven (I hate to heat up the whole house for just me). 

I am using the fitness center at work today - upper body weights, cardio, and maybe some yoga.  I plan to go by Costco after work - I need a new set of sheets and some vegetables and I hope to get a bit of housework done this afternoon when I get home.

Have a good day!

Happy Saturday

Ok, if I were going to eat my feelings away, it wouldn't be with that meal! Ha ha ha.

Hope your Saturday is going well.  Hub and MIL got on the road at 6 am.  I fed myself & the dogs, hit a couple of grocery stores, came home, veged in front of the tv a bit, got in the pool for a while, and took a nap.

This afternoon is stormy and I am doing nothing.  I planned on doing a bit of sewing but honstly I don't feel like it.  I have a couple more errands to run, which I will probably take care of tomorrow.  I also have some food prep tomorrow.

I don't know whether I will get to the sewing - we'll see.  Right now I am just enjoying the quiet.

Thankfully, some habits have held up

 

Thankfully, some good habits have held up in spite of stress and that has made a big difference.

 

I drink loads of water.

 

I eat plenty of vegetables and fruits.  I have continued to pack my breakfast and lunch (see pictures above).  A homemade turkey burger with salsa for breakfast (why yes, I do have an unnatural love of mexican food), a salad of 1/2 cup chick peas, some diced chicken breast, cucumber, green beans, and so many tomatoes they needed their own container) and 4 of the world's smallest clementines (I would normally eat 2 but there were the size of golf balls!).  I made lima bean soup in the crock pot for dinner last night. 

 

I have continued to use the fitness center every day I am at the office.  This morning hub helped me walk the dogs.

 

So yes, I still have lots of stress, but these things help anchor me.

A bit of progress

A few years ago, I began having issues with sleep.  I could go to sleep just fine, I couldn't stay asleep.  As a result, many nights (like 2-3 a week a week on average) I would wake up around 2 am and be up for at least 2 hours - sometimes 3.  I would sit quietly and read until I got tired.

Looking back, I realize that was the turning point away from some good habits and a slow creep of 10 or so pounds in my weight.  I was generally waking up at 5 or 5:30, going for a walk/run, and then later in the day doing weights or maybe some sort of class at the Y.

When you are crawling back into bed at 4:30, you don't get up at 5.  My 6 day a week habit turned into a 2-3 day a week habit. Exercise and energy went down, eating stayed the same.

Melatonin helped, but didn't cure the issue.  Thankfully it finally just seemed to go away on its own.  Considering all the stress I've been under, I am just grateful for this blessing.  It still happens, but very infrequently.  One thing I still do which helps me sleep more deeply (and therefore stay asleep) is spray my pillow with an essential oil before I go to bed.  I have a spray bottle and I mix a few drops of organic lavendar oil with water and use that to spray my pillow.  Lavendar isn't my fav scent, but its an oil that is supposed to help you relax (and I don't dislike the smell).  It really works - I can tell I am sleeping more deeply because I feel more rested and I have really vivid dreams! (A sign of good, deep sleep).

Naturally, sleep and I experienced a temporary break-up last Thursday.  I was back to my old habit of reading 3 hours in the middle of the night.  It's made for an exhausting few days.

Once I got the good news, I realized that I'd been operating on adrenelin and I was exhausted!  So the past couple of nights I have gone to bed early and tried to pay my body back on the sleep it needs.

Yesterday I got up early, showered, pack lunches (and my breakfast), and went to work.  I hit the fitness center for upper body weights and a 2 mile walk.  When I got home yesterday I was really wiped out.  I took my MIL to JoAnn fabric, but it was a quick trip since I needed to fix supper. 

At one point I was so tired I literally took a sort of stagger/step and she remarked "What's wrong with you?  Did you go to a gym?"  UGH!  I said "Yes, but that's not why I'm tired.  I'm catching up on some sleep."  Luckily she didn't say anything else.

When I ate lunch yesterday I made a point of going to the cafe and buying at least 2 cups of leafy greens to add to the salad I brought from home.  I think I paid around seventy cents and it added a nice serving of leafy greens to my day. 

A couple of goals

Here is a list of a very few short term goals I have committed to.  These are not weight loss goals -   they are stress reduction goals.  I will add more, but for now I want to keep the list short and get the biggest bang for my proverbial buck.

1.  Have a green drink every day.  What does this have to do with stress reduction?  I have been under serious, constant stress since January 13, 2011.  Stress is stress, whether it is physical (cycling the Tour de France) or emotional (death of a family member).  Stress strains your body, making it importnat to maximize the micronutrients you give it.  (You probably know this.)  

My basic green drink contains 1 cup mixed frozen fruit (Costco), 1 frozen banana, 4 cups kale or spinach, and water.  I might add a dash of lemon juice, chia or flax seed, or any odd fresh fruit that needs using up.  I split this with my husband.

The reason:  I need more leafy greens in my diet, and kale is about the pinnacle.  This is a micronutrient powerhouse.

2.  Walk the dogs regularly.  This falls by the wayside because I can't walk both at once and sometimes my husband wusses out and I feel guilty just walking one.  I have asked him to help me with this one.

The reason: Obviously, fresh air, sun, getting out of the house, and a bit of exercise.  But mostly because I love our dogs and making them happy and being with them makes me happy.  

3.  Spend a couple of hours each weekend intentinally doing something I enjoy.  How freaking sad is it that I even have to add this to a list?  But yes, this is what it's come to. 

Things that don't count: organizing, cleaning, or cooking.  Yes, they can bring me pleasure from getting them done, but these are also chores.  Also watching tv or reading  abook.  Don't get me wrong - I love to read and I read every day.  But reading (like tv) is a passive, sit in a chair, escape.  It isn't actively engaging my creative juices or phyically moving. 

Things that do count; riding my bike, going somewhere fun (beach, thrift shop, whatever), sewing, embroidery, learning something new that engages my brain and creativity.  There are other things I am sure I will come up with, but you get the idea.  Carve out some time to get in touch with my creative self.

That's it for now.

A long overdue update, and a slight change in focus

That's kinda been things around here lately.  I get the basics done, but I haven't had a lot left over.  For one, just my MIL being here has been a bit stressful.  I know I've (whined) talked about her, but also to help you understand, my husband and his older brother were raised by their grandparents, so they just don't have the same kind of relationship most kids have with their mother.  Anyway, he is taking her home Saturday and I get my privacy back.

To make matter worse, I had a bit of a health scare this week.  I will explain.  A while back, a certain "weight loss" blogger I read talked about having to go in for a second mammogram due to things on the first one being unclear.  Another weight loss/fitness blogger questioned (on her own blog) whether it really happened because she claimed to have gotten the results back so quickly.  I'm here to tell you (since I now have learned), that when you have a questionable mammogram, shit goes down FAST (thank god).

Last Thursday I received a letter from the hospital asking that I come back in for further imaging.  Even though the next sentence reads "Most findings are benign (NOT CANCER)", it doesn't matter.  The words could be in red moving flames instead of all caps and it wouldn't matter.  Your heart stops.  Your heart does not re-start.  Your life freezes.

So, letter came Thursday evening.  I called Friday and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday (this) morning.  That left me 3 very long days to wait once I had the appointment.  They told me to expect to be there 2-3 hours because I would have my results before I left.  I can't speak for all places, but clearly they treat you special when you have to come back.  I had a 7:30 am appointment.  By 7:45 they were doing another set of mammograms.  By 8:15 they were doing ultrasounds.  By 8:45 I was back in for 1 for mammo image by dr request.  By 9:15 I had my results - all clear, regular mammo next year.  Thank god and I am so thankful for the speed and sensitivity of the hospital staff.

That left me 3 days to think, seriously think.  That's what I want to share now.

Here's the thing: I can do pretty much what I want - I am not particularly limited in any way by the 20-25 pounds I want to lose.  SCUBA, snorkeling, mountain biking - I am pretty fit and not so overweight that it is a true hinderance.  Sure, I wish I looked better in clothes, but honestly, I have had so much stress in the last 2.5 years that a few extra pounds just didn't seem like a huge deal.

I've struggled to figure out how to cope and how to help my family cope with the stress, so I have turned to my old friend: food.  And it has (mostly) worked.  And thankfully I don't eat so much or so out of control that I have gained a large amount of weight.  Maybe 5 pounds? 

But: food isn't an answer and lately I have been feeling like this solution has been working less and less and I haven't found any other way to deal with stress.  These last few days caused me to really look at things and realize that I HAVE to find a way to manage my stress.

Do I still want to lose some weight?  Yes.  But frankly my stress levels are a bigger issue than the pounds, and by managing the one the by product should be the loss of the other.  For that reason I am going to change the focus of this blog to stress reduction/ management.

For one, I plan to blog here more often.  For two, I hope to be more honest about some stress I haven't talked too much about.  I don't use my real name or those of my family on this blog.  I have never named where I worked or any person on this blog.  I hope that I have kept some anonymity.  I am going to talk a bit more openly about some stressors, but I plan to keep certain details fairly generic.  I realize I don't blog for swag, profit, or even to attract readers.  So I doubt I have a bunch of people out trying to "find" me, but nevertheless, I try to be a bit discreet about personal details.  I hope anyone reading understands.

Also, I will probably continue to post exercise and recipes, but I also want to write about other efforts at stress reduction, and I hope I can use this as a reminder and support for myself.  Frankly, I don't need some crazy fascist schedule or plan, or anyone (including myself) cracking a proverbial whip on my back and berating me (myself) when I don't stick to it.  I need support, not guilt.  Guilt hasn't worked.  It's turned me into a stressed out mess.

So that's it. 

Be well.