Tired

Slept like poop.  Tired.  Inadvertently confirmed my flights before changing my checked bag to a carry on.  Must remove stuff I don't want lost and shove in purse.  Hate checking a bag - why did I choose that option?  Gah.
 

Hmmmm.... funk, I think

I enjoyed sewing class last night.  We made another (but very different) little bag.  The nice thing about this one is that you can easily adapt the pattern into a really cute purse, or beach bag, or whatever.  I can't say I really like the teacher, but I am learning a lot.  So I am glad to be taking it.

I can't believe I am flying out tomorrow!  I am very excited.  I feel like I need a break.  I'm just feeling kinda ... meh.  I think part of it is just leftover aftermath from the shocking news of the weekend, part missing my family, part job stress, part life uncertainty. 

I will say I feel like my stress levels are beginning to drop.  I am of course eating healthfully, exercising regularly, and continue my evening routines to help ensure quality sleep.  I have added 2 additions to my regime: I am on day 2 of Lexapro, and I began using my "Brain Sync" CDs.  I bought 3 or 4 of these a few years ago, but haven't used them in years.  I am currently going to sleep to the one entitled "Deep Relaxation". 

And I continue to work on having faith that things are going to work out, and be okay - maybe in a way I can't even imagine right now!  Faith can be hard for someone who likes to be in control, you know?

I haven't had my physical yet, but the doctor's office called me with my lab results: they said I should take an OTC vitamin D supplement - everything else looked good.  I've been getting my bp checked by the nurse here at work so I'll have a few readings over the 3 weeks to take in to my physical - they are a little elevated, but not super high.  So we'll see what she has to say.  So overall, things seem to be looking good on that front!

This morning I did a 20 minute yoga video in addition to my AM walk and ongoing T25 workouts.

Anyway, food:

B: meatballs and marinara,
L: baked fish and broccoli
S: strawberries and 12 almonds
D: pork chop, butternut squash, brussel sprouts

Here's the thing: I feel SO MUCH BETTER not eating junk or snacking too much in the evening.  The difference is huge people.

Hit save instead of publish last night.....

Whole 30, Day ???

Just wanted to reassure you guys that NO, I am not just giving up.  I fell down, I'm getting up.  I don't know how to "count" my days, but I'm not going to let a minor thing like that serve as an excuse to quit!

Today I had my food planned and/or prepped, so it was on track Whole 30 all day.

B: turkey meatballs with homemade marinara
L: cube steak and sliced tomatoes
S: strawberries and 12 almonds
D: baked fish, sweet potato fries, broccoli

I thought I was share these pics because I appreciate those of you that follow along and take the time to comment.  Your support, friendship, knowledge, and what you share on your blogs makes my world a happier place.

Thank you!

What's next?

So, I went off Whole 30 this weekend.  So there's that.  I was upset and used food.

I can't say I pronounce it a failure - I feel like I took some good stuff away from this.  I am much more connected with how certain foods make me feel and I am more motivated to make sustained improvements in my diet.

I have all my Whole 30 meals planned for the next few days, but then I started thinking about the fact that I'll be travelling and have my son's birthday coming up. Do I jump in, knowing there will be caveats?  Or do I say, okay - I'll strive for 90% while I'm gone (no falling into a pizza), and I'll restart when I get back?

I'm not sure.

It was a tough weekend.  Right now I feel crappy (from 2 whole beers, good lord), tired, and sad.

Having said all that, I'm neither giving up nor giving in!

Still got up and walked - still going to T25.  Still eating my Whole 30 meals.

Misc.

Here is a pic of the little cosmetic bag I made last Monday.  This weekend has been busy with the usual.  I also made 2 sets of pillowcases: one for my son for his birthday and one for his girlfriend for her birthday.  I'll give them some other stuff, but I thought something that was made especially for them would be nice.

A bunch of our friends were at a medieval event yesterday and a friend of ours died.  He collapsed and was pronounced by the paramedics.  We weren't super close, but I've known him over a decade and hub knew him over 15 years.

Hub is pretty shaken, as am I.  It's hard when that happens to a friend, and hard when its someone your age, you know?

I am watching movies and have no will to put away my laundry, pick things up, or do anything else productive.

I got nothing else.

Friday Random

In the Whole 30 timeline they mentioned this intestinal stuff does happen to some folks as they adjust to using fat and protein for fuel v. lots of readily accessible carbs.  I dunno.  (It's not TOM - nowhere near..)

I'm not actually eating more produce - that's about the same.  But I am eating less raw produce simply because I used to always pack a huge vegetable salad for lunches.  These days I am cooking dinner then taking the leftovers for lunch the next day.  Still getting a lot of veggies, just more cooked ones.  But that's been true for the past 2 weeks....

I had my prunes and coffee this morning and plan to stay the course.  It does seem better today.  So who knows!

I am down another pound this week.  I was a little grumpy but I told myself to quit whining and be happy that I am feeling good and the number is moving in the right direction!

So, next Wednesday night I am leaving for a week.  I am not going to quit the Whole 30, but I do know there is one meal that I can say right now will not be Whole 30 compliant: my son's birthday dinner.  It won't be terrible and I'm not using it to go off the rails - we are planning to cook at home: surf and turf.  So I can have a really good portion controlled meal with plenty of vegetables.  But I do plant to have a couple of bites of my mom's homemade pecan pie which she makes using my granddad's recipe (son's 'birthday cake' of choice.)

I seriously thought about it.  I knew this trip was coming up.  But I didn't want to postpone the Whole 30, nor did I want to quit halfway through.  So I plan to continue after that meal.  I also know there will be a couple of times it will be tough - I have to be to the airport insanely early the following Wednesday.  And I'll be staying on my son's boat a couple of nights and food choices will be limited. 

I don't plan to use any of these circumstances as excuses to make poor choices.  But I don't want to just give up when I am faced with some sub-optimal food situations, you know?  I also want to continue to have the scale move in the right direction.

Yesterday I did a 30 minute stretch video, which felt really good.  I also continue to walk in the mornings.  Except this morning, because I apparently forgot to set my alarm and I overslept.  Oops!

Today marks 2 weeks down in the T25 program.  It's HARD, but I like it!  Except when I am doing it! Ha ha.

Plans for the weekend include grocery shopping, food prep, housework, and some sewing. You know, the usual exciting things I do.  I may go to the beach Sunday morning.

Food today:

B: same old ground turkey and veg mix - over it!
L: leftover goulash and veggies
S: mixed fruit and 12 almonds
D: shrimp, sweet potato, roasted green beans

For an after dinner snack I had 12 more almonds, a few olives, and a couple of slices of pickled beet. It satisfied my need to nosh.  Then I scrubbed my teeth and washed my face.

Good night!

Whole 30, Day 11 - SOS

No coffee this morning since my bloodwork was fasting.

Intestinal distress since yesterday afternoon.  Gas, bloating, diarrhea... oh my.

B: ground turkey mix
L: leftover broccoli and salmon, sliced tomatoes
S: mixed fruit and 12 almonds
D: goulash (with no noodles obv.) and roasted green beans.  5 pieces dried pineapple

I hope the stomach situation improves.  This was mentioned in the Whole 30 timeline.  One of my biggest complaints is that it feels similar to hunger and so I want to eat. 

Staying strong.

Whole 30, Day 10 "Just super, thanks for asking"

(Today's blog title is a song lyric.  I guess I haven't mentioned it in a while.  Physically, I am doing quite well if not totally super.)

My husband sent me this picture.  She looks so precious asleep, doesn't she?  But Jordan is 19 pounds of jack russell terrierist mixed with?  Tasmanian devil?  Energizer bunny?  The shelter said she was mixed with chihuahua, which is possible - she's very small for a russell, and has a bit of a chihuahua look in the face.

I love her very much.  She's the kind of dog that is a total scamp, but loves her person with a passion.  She loves life and forces you to love it with her.  She makes me laugh, smile, and throw my hands up in the air when she breaks the world speed record for toy destruction.  I miss my family, furry family included.

Since I had a doctor appointment this morning, I made myself a leisurely breakfast at home. Woo hoo!

B: 2 eggs with avocado and 2 slices of bacon, coffee with almond milk
L: leftover sauteed chicken sausage and cabbage
S: 16 almonds
D: salmon, sweet potato. broccoli

I'm not a big egg fan, but avocado makes everything taste better!  I buy the nitrate free uncured bacon.  I confess, I can't say I like it quite as well as the unhealthy stuff, but it is good.  Bacon is a special treat around this place, but I prefer my food without the cancer agents, thanks very much!

I'm not doing a lot of cooking since I share a kitchen, so food is getting a bit dull.  I need some inspiration for no fuss meals!

So, the seminar last night.  It was interesting.  The presenter wasn't the greatest (he seemed a little awkward), but he clearly knew his topic well and presented the material pretty well.  He spent a lot of time talking about studies which showed the mental and physical benefits of meditation.  He talked about HOW to meditate, and led us through two 5 minute meditation sessions.  We also received a packet of materials on meditation.

I have a CD of guided meditation, but this method (the Jyoti meditation) is based on being quiet and focusing on your "third eye" or "inner light".  I may experiment with both.  Can't hurt, will probably help, right?

On the doctor visit: Why didn't I find this lady 3 years ago!?!  I really like her, but sadly I won't be here much longer! I am going back to an actual physical in 3 weeks, today was just a new patient intake visit.  She did write me a prescription for Lexapro to help with anxiety.  So we'll see what happens.  She asked me to get my labs done and have the nurse at work check my bp a couple time a week and bring that in.  She said the machines can be inaccurate so she'd like some good readings.  She also seemed pretty confident that losing a few pounds and handling  my anxiety would probably normalize my bp - so that made me feel good.

Okay, off to watch ice skating!

 

Thought for the morning

I am headed to the doctor (should I say "a doctor" since she was selected from a list on my insurance site?) this morning.

It's not that I dislike going to the doctor, I'm just frustrated that the ones I've seen down here so far have been so crappy.  Maybe this one will be better.

Anyway, I will be back later with food and all that jazz.  Last night was fine - ate dinner, went to the seminar on meditation, came home and watched a little tv then went to bed. 

Take care of yourself today!

Whole 30, Day 9

Good morning.

I got home at 8:45 from sewing class last night, and all I did was read a few mintes and crash out.  I was pooped all day yesterday - zero energy.  I made a really cure little zippered make-up (or whatever) bag in class last night and learned how to put in a zipper!  Woo hoo!  My plan is to make a couple more this week so I can "set" the skill in my brain.

Still feeling a little down but okay.  Whole 30 is going along.  Here's what I'm eating today:

AM: coffee with almond milk
B: my "scramble" or stir fry - sauteed ground turkey with mushrooms, onion, peppers, garlic, and zucchini with a little montreal steak seasoning.  Very good.
L: leftover tandoori chicken (recipe from Paleo Porn web site), a couple of chunks of sweet potato, and steamed broccoli. Oh, and 2 sliced tomatoes.  I LOVE tomatoes.
S: 12 almonds and 3 strawberries (all that was left).
D: chicken breast sausage sauteed with cabbage and onions.

I may have a serving of fruit after dinner - I have some frozen mixed fruit from C0stco.

That's all I've got for now.  Have a good day!

Monday, sorta

I'm at work, but a lot of folks here took the day off.  I'm saving it for my trip NEXT WEEK!!!!

Doing okay.  Food packed. Blah blah blah.

Sewing class tonight - making a make-up bag.  Shoudl be fun as I learn to do zippers.  Looking forward to this one a lot.

Have a good day. :-)

Good morning

Another night down.


I am making a good recipe for dinner that I found on nom nom paleo (I think).  Made a stir fry for breakfasts this week and making some korean inspired compliant soup to go with (or for) lunches.

I don't have much on the agenda today.  I am hanging in there, staying compliant.  For the most part I feel excellent physically.  Definitely having a tough time mentally.  I guess you don't change 30+ year old habits without some pain.

I read a really nice thing poking around the Whole 30 web site.  Everyone reads the whole "This is not hard.  Cancer is hard." manifesto, but they wrote another piece, just for people who have or do suffer from disordered eating that says "For you, this IS hard, but worth it."

It made me feel better to see in writing that yeah, this isn't just about physical changes - for some people this represents some pretty big mental changes.

I keep reminding myself that I NEED to do this - for my health, and that I am worth all the effort and I am so blessed to have a chance to do this at a time when I don't have to worry about cooking for anyone but myself.

Most of the day I don't even THINK about food.  I have my meals planned, I eat them, done.  It's that window between dinner and bed when I have nothing to do that is tough.  I watch movies.  I don't have a family to care for, or a house to keep up.  And in some ways that is so relaxing and refreshing, but its also a strange sort of half life to be away from your family, with time on your hands.  

So I come here and vent, then I put on my nightgown, brush my teeth, and tell myself I'm not going anywhere or eating anything else.:-)

I'll be back later to post food etc.

Have a good one!

Whole 30, Day 6

From the Whole 30 timeline, Day 6 is supposed to be "I just want a nap" but "Kill all the things" has been held over another day.  I have been pissy all day, sorry but that's the perfect word.  Every little thing has ticked me off.  I have been cranky beyond belief and I want a glass of wine and some mashed potatoes. Argh!  Why is this so hard??? 

Got up and took a nice walk. I was meeting a friend for "breakfast" but knew there was no way I could wait until 11 to eat, so I had 2 eggs and a grapefruit before I went shopping.

Brekfast: 2 eggs, grapefruit
cup of coffee, 2 prunes
Lunch: hamburger patty with lettuce, tomato, pickle, and mustard
Snack: 12 almonds and 6 pieces of dried fruit
Dinner: steak, sauteed mushrooms, asparagus

S: not consumed, but I will prob have a few nuts before I brush & floss just to satisfy the raging beast.

Today was errand day.   Traffic was the usual, which is why I prefer to do my errands as early as possible.  I did go to WM early but did the rest after lunch, so it was afternoon and therefore nutso.  I went to the asian grocery and fabric shop, came home for a nap, then got a pedicure.  All those things made me feel like grumpy cat for one reason or another.

Tomorrow is food prep and laundry.  I have 30% off coupon for K0hls, so I may go and look for a couple of work shirts - I need some dressier work clothes.  I don't want to buy a lot, but a top or 2 would be helpful.

The weather here is PERFECT!  Sunny and mid to upper 70s -it's been a great day to enjoy the outside.

It is now 7 and I am grumpy.  My roomie offered me a glass of wine, which I turned down.  This HAS to get easier!!!

I made it

I'll be back later in the day.  I just wanted to post quickly to say that I made it last night!

Even though I was feeling tired and stressed, I took a bath and put on my pajamas because I knew I wouldn't have the energy to get dressed AND run to the convenience store for crap.

Another day down and I have to believe this will get easier.

Whole 30, Day 5 "Kill all the things"

I got on the scale this morning.  I've lost just over 4 pounds.  I've NEVER lost that much weight in a week. 

Of course, thanks to my wacked out relationship with the scale, I spent the first part of my 1 mile walk fantasizing about how I could reach goal in a month at this rate!  And firmly reminding myself that was ridiculous.  I started formulated schemes and charts in my head, which is also ridiculous (and why I don't weigh daily).  I reminded myself that the number will be what it will be and I just need to continue to focus on behavior.

Speaking of which, one of my colleagues came by with a big bag of candy to pass out.  She pulled out a handful and a huge bag of kisses and asked me what I would like.  I took one Hershey's kiss, which I placed in my drawer. I thanked her and wished her a happy day.  Then I threw it in the trash.

So, I can throw out bad food, just not good food.

B: greek meatloaf with tomatoes
L: leftovers - salmon, sweet potato (not much), and broccoli, with sauteed zucchini
S: 12 almonds and strawberries
D: a steak, sauteed mushrooms, sweet potato
S: 1/4 c pistachios

T25: Today was lower body.  OMG, it was very tough!

On the Whole 30 timeline, days 4 and 5 are listed as "kill all the things" and it talks about anger at being "denied" things you used to have. Yeah, I was feeling a little of that today.  It wasn't Valentine's, it was the crowds while I was trying to do my grocery shopping.  It was terrible - I totally didn't expect that!

This morning I woke up with slightly puffy gums (a sure sign my immune system is stressed).  So it may be my slightly sniffly nose and lack of energy the other day are due to a cold trying to come on. Symptoms are very mild, thank goodness. 

Ready a really good article on what's in yous supplements:

http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/supermarket-swindle/supplement-er-supermarket-swindle-whats-really-in-your-herbal-supplements/

Take care!

Happy Valentine's Day

 

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

 

I'll be back with an actual post later.

 

Whole 30, day 4

Except for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, this picture of a car bursting into flames on a messy road in Raleigh is real.  I have friends who were stuck for hours.  No one expected ice, or so very fast.  Kinda glad I'm in Florida right now.

AM: 1 mile walk

Breakfast: greek meatloaf with tomatoes
Lunch: baked chicken chopped up in a big veggie salad with guacamole for the dressing.
Snack: 12 almonds and strawberries, then 1/4 cup pistachios when I got home
Dinner: baked salmon, roasted broccoli, sweet potato and mixed fruit

T25: Today was the abs workout, which included a few "sprints" in between, just to keep the suffer level high.  I was seriously tasting those raw peppers in my lunch salad!  Ugh.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day.  My husband is hundreds of miles away, so I don't plan to do anything special.  I am considering stopping and buying myself a steak, but I would have to do it in a frying pan since I don't have a grill.  Undecided.  I have nothing scheduled for dinner tomorrow except the crock pot leftovers that I didn't enjoy when I had them for lunch.  Which sounds a little too masochistic to eat for dinner on Valentine's day when I'm alone.  Maybe a nice meal I prepare for myself with care will allow me to avoid any potential pity party.

Saw this and had to laugh, but thankfully this hasn't been me on my Whole 30 - at least so far! :-)

Whole 30 Interlude

Last night I caved and ate the 2 slices of havarti cheese that were left in my fridge. (I cannot throw food out.  Just can't).    I convinced myself that since other low carb/non processed diets permit cheese, it was okay.  So I ate the chesse and added it to the grocery list!

No it isn't okay, because THIS diet doesn't permit cheese.

This morning I removed the cheese from the grocery list, gave thanks that there is no more in house, and decided that instead of abandoning my Whole 30 I would see what lessons I could take away.

1.  You know that whole thing about milk producing mucus?  Well, I woke up this morning with a stuffed up, slightly runny nose.  From 2 slices of cheese.  Not saying I'll never eat it again, but I'm clearly pretty sensitive to milk products!  Interesting.

2.  If you look at my food, you will notice zero starchy vegetables.  That may be contributing to my evening hunger (yes, I was genuinely hungry, not just bored).  I may need to add in sweet potatoes or squashes to make my dinner more satisfying.  They are allowed, so adding them in is preferable to being hungry and making poor choices.

I was a little sleepy when I woke up this morning and got ready for my walk with only one eye open at a time, but I feel a little more energetic (at least so far) and zero headache, so that's good.

I'll be back later in the day with food & exercise.

Have a good day!

Whole 30, day 3 "Whole stole my life force?"

Last night I wanted some food for entertainment.  And a glass of wine.  I had neither.  I did have 2 prunes - for medicinal purposes.  Enough said.

Breakfast: greek meatloaf and tomatoes.
Lunch: Same thing as last night - crock pot chicken with tomatoes, artichokes, and olives, and green beans.  Didn't enjoy it this go round.  Huh.
Snack: 12 almonds and 7 strawberries and a cup of coffee.
Dinner: 8 oz of shrimp sauteed in ghee and lemon juice with garlic, over steamed asparagus.

T25: total body circuit didn't happen due to a dental appointment.

Came home after dentist to work at home.  Had to resort to a 20 minute nap and a second cup of coffee.  Felt like a zombie.

Post dinner and I am feeling better.  Off to take a hot shower & wash my hair, then settle in with a cheesy movie or two.  I'm using this alone time to watch all the trashy sci-fi and horror flicks hub turns his nose up at.

Hanging in there, but this afternoon I would have loved a shock of carbs to shock my energy.

ugh

As I was getting ready to start my Whole 30, one thing I read was the "Whole 30" timeline on the web site, just to give me some insights.

Day 1 was fine.  Day 2 and 3 they advised you might feel low of energy.  I was good yesterday, but today?  Oh man.  I have been dragging butt all day.  I even had a second cup of coffee with my afternoon snack!  I am so freaking tired, and have no energy to do anything.

Days 4 and 5 are supposed to be "Kill all the things" and I kinda hope not since I have a meeting with my boss in the morning.

I guess I'll take it easy tonight and try to get some good sleep.

Whole 30, Day 2

Last night was pretty easy since I didn't get home until nearly 9.  I ate enough dinner but knew I might want a second (small) serving when I got home, so I saved a bit.  So, zero evening snacking - I wasn't hungry and there wasn't time!

This morning I got up and walked a mile before getting ready for work.  It's not for "exercise", it's about getting outdoors, getting some fresh air, and starting the day in a good way. I've been getting up most mornings, I just have forgotten to mention it.

Today's menu: Greek seasoned meatloaf with tomatoes for breakfast again (that's every weekday this week), lunch was leftovers from last night, and dinner was roasted green beans plus some chicken I made in the crockpot. 

I put 4 chicken thighs, a can of diced tomatoes (no salt), a can of artichoke hearts, and some sliced kalamata olives, then added some oregano, basil, onion and garlic powder.  Easy, and I have enough for a couple of dinners and a lunch.

Observation: I eat a LOT of chicken.

I may or may not weigh on Friday, but I probably will.  I've been weighing myself on Fridays for a lot of years and I think its a good habit.  I don't weigh myself daily - I am not a person that can do that without beginning to make myself crazy.  One or twice a week is enough for me, and I log it in a spreadsheet so I can see trends.

I'm not counting calories, but I weigh my breakfast meat so I know it is portioned correctly - I weigh out about 4 ounces of meatloaf.  My chicken thigh in my salad was 5 ounces yesterday and my dressing was 2 T.  I'm in the ballpark of around 300-400 calories per meal.  My 12 almonds have 83 calories and today I brought strawberries (45 calories).  So even if I have something in the evening, I think I'm staying in a good range.

One old habit is that I used to have a small square of dark chocolate after lunch (45 calories).  I miss that "signal" that lunch is done.  Yesterday I ate a few grapes and today I ate a large strawberry from my afternoon snack.  The fruit was sweet enough to signal "lunch is done", so that worked out well!

T25:  Yesterday's workout was cardio - which was basically 25 minutes of hard hitting cardio.  Today's workout was titled "Speed" and the group's thought was "Then what was yesterday!?!"  Today's workout was more like intervals - very fast cardio followed by a short active stretch/ balance segment.  I was HARD, but doable, and the 25 minutes goes quickly.  Overall I think I will stick with this, although it doesn't have much of a weight component, so I will probably add some weight training back in.  But not anything like the Jillian Michaels video which has a cardio component as I think that would be too much work and I'd end up hurt.

Day 2 is nearly done.  If needed I have some mixed fruit for an evening snack.  I got home later than usual so didn't eat until after 6, so I'm not the least bit hungry.

Have a good day!

Whole 30 Day 1 in the books

True!  Although you might be better off eating it! :-)

Today was fine.  I packed my breakfast (Greek seasoned meatloaf), lunch (salad with a piece of baked chicken thigh and homemade vinaigrette), and afternoon snack (grapes and 12 almonds).

Workout today was Shaun T's latest - the T25 workout.  What I liked: he did a great job of having someone demonstrating modifiers if you can't do a lot of high impact stuff (don't worry, the workout is still solid).  What I didn't like: dude, that workout will kick your butt!  That's way sweatier than I like to get in the middle of the workday.  Can't decide if I want to continue, but I plan to go back for the rest of the week to check out the remainder of the workouts.  If I survive!

(There are 5 workouts you do in a week for 5 weeks.  Then you move on to the second phase, where the workouts are presumably more difficult, although I can't imagine what that could possibly be).

Dinner was an easy favorite since I was in a hurry (sewing class night): sliced chicken sausage and sauteed it with a bag of pre-shredded cabbage.  Total calories in the pan was 500, servings of veggies was 5.  I ate about half the pan - most before class and a little bit more when I got home.  Easy and good.  You can add other stuff (onions, peppers, garlic, etc. but I was in a hurry tonight.)

That's about it for the day.  Leaving you with this thought:

Choices

Packed my compliant breakfast, lunch, snack this morning.

I can't decide whether I want to continue weighing myself weekly or stay off the scale for the 30 days.

I had also thought about starting to count calories this week.  I think I may give it a go.

Thoughts?

Have a good day!

Absolutely!

Good morning!

First I'd like to say something about Gwen's comment yesterday about the effect food has on our mental as well as physical health.  Absolutely agree Gwen!

The point of my post yesterday was to put down my thoughts around some of the reasons some people overeat.  There are folks who follow SAD because its the norm and they don't know better.  Something happens, they educate themselves, and they make a change.  It's very straightforward for them.

For others, there's a lot of mental mess mixed up in there as well.  I've used food as a coping mechanism for over 30 years - whether it's a true addiction or just a habit, it's tough to change.  To take an extreme example, I'm sure most alcoholics know that booze is destroying their health, but still struggle to give it up.

Then there are folks (and the ones I know personally are women, but I'm sure it can happen to men as well) who feel more comfortable overweight due to unwanted sexual attention, either in childhood or adulthood.  They KNOW they would be healthier at a lower weight, but their mind isn't comfortable at a lower weight - they don't feel "safe".

All those things are very powerful, and for some people, those are the kinds of issues that must be addressed for them to lose weight and maintain that loss.

Many of those mental issues apply to me.  Here I am - making a radical change in my life.  Giving up my well paying corporate job to venture out and do something else.  Stressed out, burned out, and exhausted.  And the last link of my support system (my spouse) pulled out of the driveway last Monday and is now over 800 miles away.  Yes I have friends, but the closest real one is 5 hours away. The people I know here (including the people I currently share a house with) are acquaintances. Good people, but we don't have "history".

On paper, right now looks like the WORST possible time to do the Whole 30.  But I think its the best, for 2 reasons. 

1) I'm cooking for myself only.  I don't have to worry about someone else wanting to keep "prohibited" food in the house or running up to the convenience store for crap and offering to pick me up some. 

2) It's true I don't have a lot of support for working through my emotional garbage right here, but I KNOW what Gwen said is true - my food choices are contributing to my stress.  They are helping in the moment, but they are part of the problem overall.  If I want to pull out of this emotional place, I HAVE to change the way I eat.  I HAVE to take charge of my health.  What worked in the past isn't working any more.

It's definitely going to be more difficult without having my family here with me.  I get lonely and bored, both of which can be dangerous.  But I HAVE to do this.  My well being is on the line.

Thankfully, I don't have a tremendous amount of weight I want to lose - this is more about eating right as part of an overall stress management plan. (I'd like to lose around 25 pounds).

I have a number of things I plan to try to help with the stress is addition to changing my diet:

• I am going to go to the meditation center and give it a try.
• In a similar vein, I am going to check out (or buy) a book or two on meditation based stress reduction - a system developed by an MIT scientist.
• I am going to go to an OA meeting - I may find folks in a similar situation who can give me emotional support.
• If I need it, there is an EAP counselor on site at work once a week who I can talk to if I feel the need over the next couple of months.

I need to get some financial things in order before I leave - getting the taxes done, paying off my car etc. so we will be in a good place to make it on savings plus hub's income while I look for employment in NC.  Luckily I have the luxury of being able to leave if I choose.  I can't leave the work force long term, but I can for a while.  I have a good set of skills and hopefully will be able to find a job without too much difficulty, but we will be okay financially - I just need to make myself okay!

Alright, food prep is already complete.  It's off to clean the bathroom, do a little paperwork, then do my "homework" for my sewing class.

Have a good day!

Feel all the feelings

I'd like to share two blog posts I've read recently that really hit close to home for me.

First, Jack's post on a book he is reading called "Quiet and Peace" on introversion. The theory in the book is that introverted people tend to be "highly reactive"  and thus seek down time.  He discusses how he used food to help muffle some of that.  http://jack-sprat.net/?p=1864

Then the other day Charlotte wrote a post about addiction and followed up today with a really great post about what it is to feel sad, how uncomfortable that is for some people, how society enables us to escape our feelings, and some of what she does to cope.

http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2014/02/how-do-you-feel-all-the-feelings-learning-to-be-okay-with-not-being-okay.html

I'd like to share a quote:

"It is so terribly hard to experience pain or anxiety and choose not do anything to numb it. Not reach for the jellybeans and the ice cream, not pick at your skin, not go for a run, not take that drink or light up that crack pipe. The really amazing thing to discover when you just sit with those feelings is that they won’t kill you, even though it feels like they will when you start."

As a child I was terribly introverted and sensitive - I remember curling up in a ball with horrible stomach pains from stress.  My childhood had some bad stuff but it wasn't a horror show, but it was more than I could cope with well.

Being a shy, geeky, girl became even worse when puberty struck.  Not because I was unattractive - the opposite actually.  I was a math geek trapped inside a cheerleader's body.  And being raised without the positive support of a father made it that much more challenging to handle male attention.

The truth is, I've used food as a coping mechanism for a long time - even when I was a size 4.  It just finally caught up with me in the past few years - most of my life I wore single digit sizes, but my lifestyle was more definitely not healthy.

Now here I am.  Years of accumulated stress have led me where I am now: overweight with high blood pressure.  I am killing myself with stress.  Literally.  And I have to learn how to deal with it.  Dropping a few pounds won't solve the problem.  I have to learn how to work with my own highly sensitive disposition and manage my stress because right now I feel like the stress is in control

I will certainly talk about my Whole 30 here, but there has got to be a lot more to this than just to quit eating processed food for 30 days.

Interlude

I promise I won't do this on the Whole 30. :-)

Touching base

I have a few thoughts to share, but no time right now.  I have printed off the shopping list for Whole 30 and begun to plan out my meals for next week.  I am very nervous about this!

Have a good day!

Stress

This is all too frequently me, but I have to say that today everything I stressed and/or cried about was legit.

Which is worse?

What, a second post today!?!

Two thoughts I left off my earlier post:

1. I think I will start the Whole 30 Monday (I need to shop & use up some stuff in my house).
2. Some ladies at work are starting Shaun T.'s T25 workout program Monday.  I've put it on my calendar.  I may be crazy - if its too high intensity I will try to modify.  We'll see.

Calorie count countdown

Good morning.

The past couple of days have been difficult.  Kinda like waiting for a root canal.  The waiting is as bad (if not worse) than the actual thing!  And once it's over, you go on.

Anyway, sleep has been dodgy, despite carefully following the ritual (melatonin, spritzing pillow with lavendar essential oil, gregorian chant music, very dark room).  I'm not surprised, but I've overslept the past 2 mornings. 

That could have caused a disaster, but its turned out not too bad.  Yesterday's breakfast was italian sausage soup and 2 boiled eggs.  Lunch was baked chicken and mashed potatoes.  THEN, dinner was a burrito and beer.  (Emotional eating at it's finest.  It was after 6:30 when I left the dentist - tired, sad, and in pain).  Breakfast this morning was a little over half a 3 egg veggie omelet from the cafeteria (the rest will go with more of the soup I brought for lunch, and a green salad).  

I will get home at a reasonable time tonight and have a couple of easy dinners in the freezer to choose from.  So, not nearly enough vegetables, but no pizza parties.

Next up is calorie counting.  With all the stress I've focused on good choices, but I need to add portion control and accountability (in the form of tracking) to go with those good choices. 

Oh, and I get my annual review today.  Given everything that went on in out department last year, I just have no idea....  I did the best I could with the circumstances we were given.

I have another dental appt Friday (one crown needs some more adjusting).

Anyway, I have more thoughts, but I'll post when they are more coherent.

Oh, and my computer is getting fixed (I'm on a loaner) so many of my bookmarked favorites are lost.  I will catch up when I get my computer back if I lost your web addy temporarily.

Have a good one!

Sad, but hardly heartbroken

First off, do you read Seth Smith's blog?  If not, you should.  He doesn't post super frequently, but what he posts is meaningful, articulate, and really hits at both your heart and you head.  Here is a link to his most recent post:  http://sethadamsmith.com/2014/01/30/damning-belief/

Seth claims the most damning belief any person can have is that they are a victim.  How true!  It feels good to say "It isn't my fault", but the flip side of the coin "I'm trapped and have no power" stinks.  Empowering yourself leads to feeling better, even when the circumstances are tough.

I'm finding that with myself.  My husband is leaving today, and we will be apart for several months.  I will be sharing a house with people I don't know super well.  They are good people, I've known them casually for a couple of years, but they aren't family or even super close friends.  And in some ways it makes sharing a house easier, and in some ways harder.

I don't have much of a local support system.  But I do have good friends that I talk to regularly, and the internet certainly helps bridge the distance!

And I'm no shrinking dish rag of a woman.  Good lord, I got on a plane and flew to basic training by myself.  I flew to my first permanent duty station - West Berlin, by myself.  And once my plan landed I had to sort out money and transportation on my own!  I was 23.  I can certainly share a house with other adults for 3 or 4 months while my husband is looking for work in NC!

It was also difficult to give up appearances.  (That's the opposite of 'Keeping up appearances' - ha ha).  To say, I am selling my home and living in a rented room with friends and my husband and dogs are living with my mom.  Isn't the American dream home ownership?!  What kind of loon voluntarily gives up their home months before they will be willing/able to purchase another???

And how silly is that, worrying about what people will think?  I largely keep mum about the details, but I've (mostly) gotten over that.  Now I'm just sad about being away from my husband and dogs.  BUT - we made this decision together for a good cause, we are working toward a specific goal, and having him head up first to look for work and help get us settled is very helpful.

We made a promise to each other - we promised to take care of ourselves, using each other for accountability.  Regular exercise, healthy foods, not using food to stuff down our feelings - we can't do those things.  Our health and well being mean too much.

So, this day is Day 1, and I plan to make it good in the sense of no food shenanigans and getting in my exercise.  One day at a time.

Post weekend random

We had a lovely time visiting with our friends.  I find going to friend's challenging food-wise in that many of our friends don't eat the way I do.  Luckily (in this case), my husband does have some food restrictions, so I pack a cooler.  Sandwiches for lunch?  We'll do roll-ups.  Pasts for dinner? We brought some meat to throw on the grill.  It wasn't perfect, but it was better and we were good guests.  And they understand food sensitivities.

We got home yesterday at lunch and had leftover soup.  For dinner we decided to split a shwarma platter (roasted seasoned chicken and various vegetable salads and hummus) from an amazing deli nearby that we adore.  It was a special, fairly healthy treat.  We both eat beans occasionally - they don't seem to bother us or act as triggers.  But after that we didn't feel the need for any snacks.

There were some issues with the a/c hub is installing for me, so he decided to postpone his departure for another day.  We are both really dreading it.  Enough said.

We had a couple of ciders watching the game and there are a couple left, but I have no plans to buy an alcohol for the rest of the month.  I'm going to be sad enough without voluntarily consuming a depressent (which makes me gain weight!).

I hope you have a good day.  As the saying goes "Tough times don't last, but tough people do."