Thursday, July 30, 2015

Packing

Have to finish packing - leaving at noon tomorrow straight from work.  No internet, no computer.  Have a nice week.  Catch on the flip side! :-)

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

No one can take your joy

I have to tell you, I have very mixed feelings about vacation.  I love this trip - I always get so excited and its one of the highlights of my year.  But not this year.  I dread seeing my ex, who has been up there a week. Not because I want him back, not even because I think he'll start anything (at least not overtly).  But he's going to want to argue over who gets what of the camping gear. I hate that crap.

I haven't even wanted to pack, but tonight I at least got the clothing together.  So, progress.

I'm just stressed about a lot of things: money (just charged my flood insurance), haven't gotten the rent for July and I need it to pay August before I leave, losing a week of pay, looking at being unemployed come late October...  And I'm (pretty) sure he is not going to sign us up on his health insurance for next year - even though he is legally obligated to do so.  So I'll have to buy it on the exchange and sue him for the money.

So yeah, cash flow problems.

But I am working on getting packed tonight, and I am determined to have fun!

So that's me.  I am determined NOT to let him or worry over things I can't control ruin my joy!!!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

They didn’t teach shop at the school of science & math



Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot at Lowe’s, wondering how I ever got to this point.

I was a nerdy kid, and even if they had offered shop class at the NC School of Science & Math where I attended high school, I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken it.  But they didn’t and I didn’t.  And then I went to college, where I did help a boyfriend work on his 1969 Mustang Mach 1.  And then I joined the Army, where I actually had to do the maintenance on my own vehicle.  Although I admit I wasn’t above baking cookies and taking them to the mechanics so that they would do most of the work!

But tools?  Sure, I’d help my dad hold a piece of siding or something, but he never really explained or I never really listened, or a bit of both.  But not too long after I bought my house I met my (not soon enough to be) ex-husband, and he was a contractor, so problem solved.  Until he left and took all the tools, none of which I knew how to use anyway.

So the other day I found myself looking online for adult shop classes, but couldn’t find anything locally. My terrier is getting under the barn (or trying), and cut herself on the wire someone tacked up years ago as a deterrent.  Despite years of asking, neither my son nor my husband ever bothering addressing the issue.  

I decided to solve the problem.  So I did what any mature, self-sufficient woman would do: texted her manly tool wielding girlfriend and asked her if she’d please come help!  But she couldn't get here till late-ish, so I decided to go to Lowe’s and buy the lattice.  Did you know that you can’t really cut wood lattice very well because it’s stapled together?  Did you also know that Lowe’s doesn’t cut plastic?  Which is how I wound up in the middle of a busy Lowe’s with tears in my eyes asking the guy that works there what to do.

He asked me if I had a hacksaw, I said no, my ex took all the tools and what was a hacksaw anyway?  So he helped me pick out a hacksaw.  I wrestled 4 pieces of 2 x 8 plastic lattice into my Nissan Sentra, and sat in the parking lot, wondering when exactly I sold my sense of self sufficiency and independence for the comforts of marriage, and why?  Was it necessary?    

I bought my first tool.  I expect to buy more.  They'll be worth the price because I will be buying back my own sense of self.

And when my friend K got here?  Well, it took some yesterday and till nearly 1 today, but:




The other 3 sides look just as good.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Today

Last night was fine.  Ate dinner, then had a piece of chicken for a snack later.  Drank unsweetened tea and water only.

Today is super busy, the usual plus getting packed for my trip.  And trying to repair the lattice on the barn.  My friend K is coming over to help, and I am grateful for that!

Okay, have a good day!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Where did the week go?

Since I was off Monday, I've been working long days for the rest of the week to make up (most) of the time.  AH, the carefree life of a contractor! ;-) Anyway, between getting off work late, son being home in the evenings, and things just being busy here (mom took off for Georgia and I am in charge of the dog pack), I just haven't posted.

My Atkins book arrived - I really like it.  I've nearly finished reading it.  It's a "new and improved" Atkins, and looks at "net carbs".  So basically phase 1 is meats, healthy fats (including dairy), and veggies.  The goal for phase 1 is 20 net carbs per day.  I am going to start once I get back from camping.  Not making excuses, but it is too difficult to work out food when primitive camping to try & figure out carb counts.  I will focus on eating healthy, minimally processed.  There is actually a produce stand on site!

Did not get the job I posted for - it was supporting our other product and I have NO experience on it, so I wasn't terribly surprised.

My terrier managed to cut herself on some chicken wire trying to get under the storage barn (rabbits & other small animals go under there sometimes).  At least that's my working hypothesis.  So my friend Kay is coming and we are going to put lattice around the base of the barn.  I am going to get it pre cut at Lowe's, so the overall effect is going to be pretty trashy, but it will be effective.


I used to have access to several thousand dollars of really nice power tools.  Now I have none.  I need to get a few things, and learn how to use them.  Sadly, the local community college does not seem to offer an "adult shop" class!

Have a good day!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Operation GMST*

Okay, I've been thinking about this for several days now.  While it is okay to be somewhat adrift, it is NOT okay to remain in passive mode doing nothing about it for an extended period of time.  Navel gazing only gets you so far!

This is a multi-fold plan.  Stages, setbacks, lulls, and wrong turns are all okay.  Remaining in pitiful pearl mode is not okay.

Number 1:  Let's work on a little self compassion.  It's not so much an esteem issue as the fact that I always expect unreasonable things from myself.  Ordered:


Also, I emailed Blaine at Crossfit and told him I would be back after Pennsic.  Working out in a gym with no air conditioning when it's in the upper 90s and the humidity makes it feel like 100+ is not working for me.  And I've been beating myself up for not going, but it's making me feel absolutely ill afterward due to the heat.  In short, I've been setting myself up to feel worse about myself.  STOP it!

Number 2:  Health.  Yeah, carbs, you gotta go. Ordered:


I love you, but we HAVE to break up.  You're just no good for me.

Number 3:  Being social, doing things with friends.  Being there for them as well as asking them to be here for me.  A+.  I probably have better, closer relationships with my close girlfriends than I have in YEARS.  Friends are important!

Number 4: Doing something important.  Am looking into finding 1-2 places I really want to volunteer.  I could spare a few hours a month to help someone other than myself (or my friends).  And I think I would feel a lot better about me if I did!

Number 5:  Hobbies (good point Gwen!).  I'm a girl with too many hobbies! :-)  But many I can't really indulge in right now since so much of my stuff is in storage.  But I'm doing what I can on this front.

Number 6: Stop dreading, start doing.  Already talked to my tenant.  She hopes to buy the house by the end of the year.  I let her know I plan to have it sold by late spring as that is when I intend to look for a house.  I hope like anything we can work it out, but I let her know there is an end point at which I will have to move on.  Post vacation: start looking for a full time job.  :-(  I like contracting, but I need something steadier for the next few years.

And the title: Get My S&^% Together. :-)  I remain a work in progress.

Take care!

 

Monday, July 20, 2015

A different version of the same mistake

While different, this week has been as difficult as I've had since the separation.  For so much of my life, I've done what a lot of girls who were raised without a strong, positive male influence do:  looked to men for affirmation. I thought I was past that, but I realized that no, not really.

I didn't realize how much of my sense of identity and self worth was tied into being a successful employee at a major corporation, making a good home, being a good wife and mother.  Now I'm a contractor, living in someone else's home, without a husband, and a grown son who isn't nearly as dependent on me as he once was.

No wonder I'm adrift.  It's not just the level of uncertainty.  It's the realization that I don't have a good handle on who I am.  I feel like my yardsticks for measuring my self worth are gone.  I don't know what I do to add value to the world.

So what's next?  I have no clue.  This last week was a mess.  I HAVE to be done with that - it's getting me nowhere.  I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Still pondering

Hey there.  Work was fine, ate what I packed, blah blah.  Tonight is water aerobics and food is ready for tomorrow.  When I get home from water aerobics I will want something to eat, need to figure out what will make a good snack that I will enjoy.

I'm seriously considering doing a better job of tracking (and limiting) my carbs.  I generally stay away from breads, pastas, and other processed foods.  But I think I may look into Atkins when I get home from camping.  For now I'll tighten down a bit more, but I want to buy the book - or check it out from the library.

I was feeling kinda down today.  I plan to start looking for a full time job when I get home from vacation.  I enjoy contracting, but I'm not sure right now I can handle the uncertainty.  Maybe if the house were sold.  That's another thing - after vacation I plan to call my tenant.  The lease is up 1 November, I need to know what she's thinking about that.  So much to consider - no wonder if feels a bit overwhelming.  

Sunday, July 12, 2015

I don't know how to wind down

Day turned out much better than I thought it might, although I had too much to do.  Son woke up happy and well rested, took care of brakes, and relaxed (which he needed).  I did food prep, laundry, etc.

I am discovering that food and/ or a beer (or glass of wine) serves as my signal that it's time to wind down.  I'm clean, face washed, teeth brushed, supplements taken, and I find myself sitting here thinking "now what?".  I need a new signal to tell me to relax. Something to ponder....

Feeling a bit frustrated

Good morning!  Can I vent for a moment here?  (Of course I can, it's my blog!)

I've raised a pretty good kid if I do say so myself: he's competent, kind, and hard working.  I don't take all the credit, and of course at 20 he is still a work in progress, but he's a good kid. 

On the plus side is that he is caring and generous.  One the negative, it sometimes I feel like I get placed last in his priorities.  He is working and saving money to go back to school, but I am subsidizing him somewhat.  One thing I recently did was pay the tax & tags on his car.  In return, I asked him to do the brakes on my car.  The problem is that doing that falls behind working on his stuff and working on his grandpa's house.  Well, I can't wait forever for my brakes to get done! 

He isn't selfish - certainly less so than your average 20 year old, but I still get frustrated when working on my stuff (for which he gets paid more than he does by his grandpa) is lower priority than everything else!  UGH!

I had a nice time yesterday - went out to lunch with my friend, hung out by the pool, then she came over and I fixed supper for everyone (family got home right at supper time).  It was a nice day.

I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit like this today:


Saturday, July 11, 2015

Happy Weekend!

Good morning!  My son & mom headed for the beach Thursday, so I've been home alone.  Living with my mom, I really miss my alone time.  I'm very grateful we have the kind of relationship where this is working fine, but I am a person that really needs some solitude.  They are headed home this afternoon.

Ran errands, went to the gym, blah blah blah. :-)  Been an okay week.

Certain things mean summer to me:  from childhood it's the sound of cicadas and the smell of tomato plants in the garden.  As an adult, I've added watching the tour de France, which I really enjoy.  We don't have cable, but sometimes they show it on NBC on the weekends.

This afternoon I am hanging out with a girlfriend over at her sister's house.  (She has been doing contract work for the past couple of years and traveling a lot, so she's been just living out of her sister's house).  She has a regular full time job now and is getting her own place at the end of the month.  Anyway, they live a couple of miles away and have a pool, so yay! :-)

It's funny - I know several people my age who are living with friends and/ or family.  I think it's smart, but I also think it's a good indicator of the state of the economy.

I hope you have a good weekend!

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

"Everything I never knew I always wanted"

That title was the title of a post on http://carlabirnberg.com/ (it's a quote from "Fools Rush In" - a very silly enjoyable rom com).  I love that quote - it perfectly captures what it is I feel like I need to find - not a person, so much as a passion.

So, today was Cross Fit.  I never regret going, but sometimes it is hard to get there.  It is hard, and way outside my comfort zone.  But I always feel accomplished when I leave the gym.

Work was fine, ate my packed food.  Dinner was potato, baked fish, and roasted broccoli. My mom and son are headed to the beach this weekend - I'll be here, dog sitting.  Getting together at some point with a friend.  I'm very much looking forward to a quiet weekend home alone. 

I have an interview tomorrow (with my boss) for a full time position on my team.  I don't know what will happen.  If I don't get it I will be disappointed, but I know I'll be okay.  So, fingers crossed! :-)

Okay, going to take a shower!  Take care!

Monday, July 06, 2015

Family, friends, fun & food

Sorry to leave you hanging again - I was busy having a wonderful weekend!!!

A dear friend Kay came for the weekend, my son was here, and a friend of his.  We grilled out a bunch, watched movies (including "Independence Day"), and just hung out.  It was awesome!  I needed that - I really relaxed. :-)

Saturday morning I went to Cross Fit and had a long talk with the owner.  I've been feeling frustrated lately - I haven't been sure about my form and feel like I haven't been making progress.  He assured my I was doing fine & on track, but said he would also bring it up with the other 2 teachers.  I also committed to coming in a practicing my form more, even if I'm not going in to work out.  Today after work I went over & worked on my cleans before dinner.  I'm going to water aerobics in a few minutes.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well!

I made a really good recipe for breakfast this week:

Thai style burgers:  garlic, ginger, lemongrass & cilantro, topped with an Asian slaw:  slaw mix with cilantro, sesame oil & lime juice. 

Really good and a nice serving of veggies with breakfast!

Have a good day! :-)

Friday, July 03, 2015

Then I left you hanging

Good morning.

Just a quick note before I head for work.  I've been to water aerobics and Cross Fit this week.  I've also done some emotional eating, but I am feeling better.  I've got my travel plans sorted out for my trip to Pennsylvania at the end of the month.

On our call Tuesday, Sean asked us to finish the sentence, "When I have lost the weight, I ...".  My answer was a bit backward, because my sentence is "When I ..., then I will lose the weight."  I've said it before, but I have to deal with the empty place I fill with food.  It's not just emotional eating, it's eating to fill that void. 

Working on it - sometimes with mixed results, but working on it.

Have a good day!