Have a good week!

Leaving for a week of primitive camping right after work. Weight held at 189.6, for a loss of 1.6 pounds this week.

Take care!

More of the same

Weight was the same today, which is good because I did have a beer and half an ounce of pork rinds after dinner last night.  We went over to mom's to load up some stuff, and I got teary - it was probably the last time I will ever be inside my childhood home.

I didn't just grow up in that house from the age of 5 - it's the house I came home to when I left he Army and went to graduate school, it's the home I went to when I left Florida and my husband and I split up - it's always been my "go to" safe place, for as long as I've been alive. I have so many memories. But I know it's not about a place, it's about family. But still, it's bittersweet.

My sweet husband went with my ex MIL to the doctor today (let that statement sink in). She was on about 30 different meds, a lot of which she didn't need (and couldn't afford) and one of which it turns out was downright dangerous! She was on a bp med and her bp runs extremely low. Like, near danger low. They switched her from a PA to an MD, and they went over all her meds. She is coming off 8 right away. I am hoping she will start feeling better.

Anyway, just working on packing - I can't believe we are leaving in 2 days!!

Take care.

Nailed it

I was 189.6 this morning! Woo hoo!! I went back and found that the last time I logged a lower weight was May 31, 2013.  YES!

Oh, and I forgot to mention my great workout Sunday! We went to the Y and I elected to swim. No pushing it, just moving my body through the water for half an hour. It felt so good. I love swimming and I know I need to make more time to do it.

Weight loss seems to be a bit better this week. I think I might have dropped my carbs & calories a bit too much. I had maybe 100 more calories yesterday (1400-ish) and 2 carb servings - a low carb pita with breakfast and a half cup of couscous with lunch. I felt strong for my walk and afternoon trip to the gym. I seem to do better with a couple of servings of complex carbs (grain, bean, or potato), but I try to stay away from simple and/or highly processes carbs.

Anyway, hope you have a good day!

Happy Monday

Last week at work before we head on vacation. I think we are mostly ready, but there are still several small things to organize & do.

The last of the large things were moved out of mom's Saturday morning and she & her dogs are staying with us. The sale of my childhood home is scheduled for Friday. She is scheduled to close on the new house in Wilmington next Tuesday. She asked for several repairs and an extension of the due diligence, so far that seems to be going okay. My son & his gf leave for Canada this Saturday.

I've felt really stressed and we were both a little "snappy" this weekend. Anxiety stinks.

I went for a good 30 minute walk this morning and then a vigorous 20 minute workout on the elliptical. Food was fine over the weekend. I was really hoping to be in the 180s when we left for vacation - well ok, I hoped to be around 182. But the 180s would be a big psychological boost for me. This morning I was 190.6. So close! I know it's not a big deal, but that number is an important milestone in my head.

Take care!

Another slow week

Lost 0.6 pounds this week. I know, keep positive, at least it's going down blah blah blah, but .... this seems to be taking foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr................................

Home again, and why now?

We are home from our whirlwind trip to the beach. It was a quick one, but I was able to help out, spend time with the boy, his gf, and the grandpuppies. We did get in 1 walk on the beach - it was stormy on & off the whole time we were there.  No fair! I guess I have to go back next month.

I was reading "Runs for Cookies" this morning. She had a follow up guest post from a gal that lost over 100 pounds. She wrote something to SO resonated with me: "...something just "snapped" within me and I desired to get healthy. I'd realized that the "snapped" feeling was that I was finally feeling safe and loved. Not like anything was ever not safe or that I wasn't loved--but that I was finally able to breathe and had the space to work on me."

YES!

In my last marriage, no, I most certainly did not feel safe and loved. I mean, yes, my mom & son love me and I've been safe enough in the sense that as long as my mom is alive, I will always have a safe place to be if my world crashes down and I need it. But to feel safe in my own home and new relationship? That's taken, what, ... a year and a half or so? And it's not that I didn't trust T, it was a matter of adjusting to a new normal, and the residual trauma fading. And then somehow I've realized that while I certainly have moments of anxiety or stress - and my default is to turn to food in those times, those times aren't constantly, every day. I feel safe enough to let go of the food, and the weight.

There are times (like Sunday) when I feel anxious and want to turn to food. There are times (like Tuesday evening) when I don't make the best choice. But I pick myself up and keep going.

It's good to be home.

Take care.

Tired

Arrived about 2 AM. Tired. It's pouring rain. I need a nap.

We're safe, grandpuppies have been loved on. I will see the beach later. :-)

Figure out what's really eating you

We are headed to the beach after T's band practice tonight. I wish we weren't driving so late. I wish I felt like the house was ready for my ex MIL J to come and dog sit. I wish I had done more on my to do list this weekend...

Read what I just wrote and is it any surprise that last night I could've demolished the contents of a convenience store faster than Godzilla trashes Tokyo?? 

My anxiety was high. I had a half ounce of pork rinds, a sugar free fudgesicle, and a sugar free popsicle before I managed to declare the kitchen off limits. 

Let's try this....

I get to go to the beach and visit my son for a couple for days! Because it's summer, T can get everything ready for our trip while I'm at the office today. I didn't have to get everything for our camping trip totally done this weekend - we aren't leaving until the 27th - we are in good shape. No, I didn't go swim, but I exercised 5 days this week! Sometimes more than once! That's pretty impressive!

Using food to comfort myself is a well ingrained habit. Feeling anxiety is hard - especially when you aren't used to it. Saying how you feel can be tough - especially when your spouse wants to either "fix" it or explain why your feelings aren't logical (well no sh&^. Who said feelings were always logical???).

Like everything else - changes do get easier and you do get better at them with time. But no guarantees it's always easy or that you are always perfect.

I'll leave you with this thought:

To get to where you want to get to in life, you have to be present, and health is a big part of that. - Jeezy

My pants don't fit (and other thoughts for Thursday)

Well hello Thursday!

Pants:

When I interviewed for my current job back in April of 2017, I probably weighed around 7 pounds less than my highest weight. I remember going out to buy a larger pair of slacks for the interview. I basically wore 2 pair of slacks for that fall, then lost enough that I had about 4 pair I was able to wear over the winter. Currently at the front of my closed are 7 pair of slacks in this size (when I organized my guest room I found some I didn't know I had), the one larger and 6 of the size I am wearing today. They are all too big. I didn't realize it until I put these on. Since they have the dreaded stretch waist band, they are staying up okay. I have 4 pair (I think) of the same slacks in the next size down - this weekend I will re-organize my closet, move them to the front, and send these to Goodwill. It's a lovely problem to have, and reinforces that yes, I *AM* getting smaller, even if I don't feel the changes are really noticeable in the mirror.

Rewards:

Yesterday I was asked in the comments how I intended to reward myself for hitting the 30 pounds lost mark and I jokingly replied "lose more wight!"  But you know what? That's the truth! The side benefits of the lower number on the scale have become their own reward.

• More energy
• Better sleep
• Able to briskly walk for 30+ minutes without foot or back pain.
• Able to stand for most of the day without my feet hurting.
• Feel more like I control my food v. out of control with my eating.

Sure I could go get a pedicure or new earrings or whatever, but truly those side benefits are more awesome than anything I could purchase. Having said that, that's totally me! And I most certainly have rewarded myself with purchases in the past - hey, sometimes bribery if a terrific way to get yourself down the road!!! So no judgement - whatever gets you going, right? :-)

Rings:

I was at my highest weight when we got married last fall. When we bought my rings (they are antiques) I had them sized. We also ordered silicone bands from Qalo.com (which I love). They are all too big. I rarely wear my nice rings and I know I will need to order new silicone bands soon.

Snacks:

It is so weird to me. In the past, evening/ weekend snacking, going overboard, and other food shenanigans were a continual struggle I was always trying to manage. I'd make deals, factor in treats, look for alternatives, etc. etc. It remained a challenge the whole time I was losing weight - and gaining! It felt like this ongoing battle that had become an unwinnable war. This time? Not so much. What's different? I wish I knew!

I can say that past attempts have felt like a frantic major effort - imagine a bonfire topped with a bunch of kindling and small dry branches. The flames are huge, but short lived. This go around feels more like building a fire with nice oak logs. The flames aren't as high, but the fire is a lot more durable and long lasting.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or never have a slip - I still do! But that are infrequent rather than a regular occurrence. And sometimes a thought will run through my head "I'd sure love a cold beer." I don't try to even argue - I just say "Yes, they do taste good" and leave it. It's like without that attention or internal argument the idea just wanders off rather than taking root. Again, I think it goes back to determination rather than motivation.  This is my life - not a diet I ever plan to "go off" of. Will I eat pasta again? Sure, I very well may. But not weekly even in all likelihood. I'm okay with that. I feel good. This is the way my body seems to like to be treated, and the reward is it is treating me better in return.

Take care.

Another goal crushed

Woo hoo!

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for several things, small and large:

I'm glad my husband has good insurance. Today he went and got his colonoscopy. I'm glad he did it. He is generally proactive about taking care of doctor appointments, which is important.

It's only Tuesday but I'm already back down to last Friday's weight. Lol

I'm glad I have the flexibility to work from home - or in this care, the doctor's waiting room this morning! :-)

I'm thankful I am going on vacation this year nearly 30 pounds lighter, with a husband who is over 20 pounds lighter. I know it will be a lot more enjoyable as a result.

There's loads of other things, but I think you get the idea. Never give up on taking the best care of yourself you can, whatever that means for you. You are worth it!

Take care.

Changes

This Monday I was up 0.6 pounds from the weekend. (That makes it so scientific sounding - it's just that my scale does .2 pound increments.) I ate well and enjoyed what I ate, but I also tried to make (mostly) smart choices. The hotel had a pool, and we used both that and the fitness center. I got intentional exercise 6 out of 7 days last week - 3 kettlebell workouts, 3 elliptical sessions, swimming, and several walks. So go me!

I was reading Sean's posts from when I was out of town and one thing he talked about - and has talked about many times - is the fact that he considers what he eats to be a "food plan" versus "diet". It isn't something he intends to go off of at "the end" - rather it's the way he feeds his particular body for optimal health, with a side effect of weight loss. I love that attitude! And while I can't say that my mindset is quite there yet, something I have noticed about this time around is that I have made some pretty significant changes to how I eat, and have maintained them consistently.

The biggest example is that beer used to pop up regularly - not every day, but 1-2 beers (or glasses of wine) happened more often that not. That is no longer the case. That's a HUGE lifestyle change for me.

Another very significant change has been evening snacking. I used to snack every evening. It was such an ingrained habit that I built my calorie intake around having it, because I didn't think it was anything that I would (or could) ever change. I still have a snack most evenings, but these days it is less than 100 calories - generally around 80. And it isn't an automatic "given" that I will have a snack, it's an intentional choice.

I feel like I am making adjustments that will serve me better in the long run, and that feels good!

Take care.

Almost there

Down 1 pound this week - less than a pound until I hit the 30 pounds gone mark.

Okay, out of town for a couple of days. Take care!

We don't all have the same 24 hours

I was reading an article on MSN about this gal who works full time, is a fitness competitor, and has 3 kids that are preschool age. The title of the article was something like "you can have it all!" The gal shares her schedule, and there were 2 glaring things that got me thinking:

1. She typically goes to bed at 10 and gets up at 4:30. So best case she's getting 6.5 hours of sleep a night. I heard a very interesting interview with a sleep scientist on NPR and she said that people basically fall into 3 categories: those who can function normally on less than 7 hours of sleep, those who need 7-8 but can operate short term without too much issue, and the camp I'm in - those of us who really really need those 7-8 hours and are very irritable and our functioning degrades pretty quickly when we are sleep deprived. She also added that as a general rule, about a third of the population falls into each bucket. It isn't just a matter of "adapting" or "sucking it up" - you need what you need. It would be like telling a type 2 diabetic to "just' self regulate. Pretty ridiculous, right?

2. She added "If you can afford it, get a cleaning person."  Ah, now there's a can of worms. When you can afford to outsource chores, you are literally buying yourself additional leisure time!

So yes, we all have 24 hours. But between our need for sleep and our ability to offload responsibilities that would otherwise fall to us, we can "get back" a fair bit of time other people are forced to spend on things other than exercise/ painting/ learning Chinese/ making gourmet meals.

After days of on point eating, I am back to the weight I was last Friday. I hate the da^% scale.

Take care.

Ground hog week

Ah, the scale is a strange creature with mysterious ways. :-)

Friday night I elected to have cauliflower crust pizza and 2 beers for dinner. I knew the carbs would put me up, even though the calories did not put me over. Sure enough, the scale was up 1.6 pounds the next morning. I expected it and was not surprised.

What does surprise me is that that 1.6 pounds is still here! Okay, maybe salt was a bit high Saturday? Okay, Sunday dinner was a pastrami wrap on low carb wrap - again, high on salt for sure. Yesterday my eating was absolutely on point, with my only carb being 1/3 cup of quinoa at lunch (other than 1 slice of fresh mango and low carb veggies like salad).

So what gives?

The same thing happened last week. I was up over the weekend, due to higher carb/salt rather than calories, and it took several days to drift back down. Honestly I was pretty surprised to see the 2 pounds loss just because it was like Wednesday I think before I lost the weekend water bloat. I don't record the daily vagaries, choosing instead to only record every Friday. But it is a strange pattern.

It has me a bit anxious about this weekend because we are going to be out of town Friday and Saturday, including a banquet dinner (so no choice of what is put before me) Saturday night. Ugh. I am seriously considering packing protein shakes and using those to supplement, and eat ONLY those things I know are absolutely on point. I'd just like a weekend where I don't have to combat the sale swing - even if it isn't an "actual" gain. I'm just finding it frustrating.

No big plans for tomorrow. We filled up our hot tub this weekend, but are keeping the water cool. So other than maybe grilling a burger and hanging out in our "cool tub" - and some sewing - I think it will be a low key day.

Take care!