Starting the day off right!

 It's interesting to me that no matter how old you are. there are always opportunities to learn new things about yourself. One of my "assignments" last week was to work on establishing a good morning routine. My husband made an astute observation: pre pandemic I left the house before I started work (even on WFH days I typically did something outside) and during the spring & summer I walked in the morning. Now that the weather has turned I'm not getting outside, which has made the transition from home to work pretty blurry.

Monday I got up and walked Susie pretty early - that worked pretty well. Tuesday I didn't due to weather and spent the day in a funk (bad news didn't help). Yesterday I went to the dentist and then took Susie for a walk. This morning I was faced with a challenge: dark + snowy (maybe icy patches) roads. Instead of getting out right away, I climbed on the exercise bike, put "Aerial Africa" on the TV (courtesy of amazon prime), and shouted out upbeat tunes for the google home to play. Twenty minutes later my blood was pumping and I felt like I had had a decent workout. I didn't get outside, but vigorous activity seemed to work pretty well too. I may try to keep doing some yoga, but it clearly doesn't work for me as my morning activity!

Anyway, that's all I've got for today.

Take care.

Down Day

 Monday was a really good day. The sun was out, Susie and I enjoyed a good walk in the morning, I was super productive at work - it just felt pretty good. That evening I got a text from my mom - my son't best friend has cancer. This young man (he's 25) is like a part of our family. He & F went to college together, they were roommates at one point, he's spent holidays with our family, and our families have spent holidays all together (back before covid). 

I just spent yesterday in a funk. Sad for him, missing Jordan, burned out & tired of being isolated. Add to that it was a rainy gray day and my mental state was one of anxiety & exhaustion. I grazed all day and then asked my husband to pick up tacos for dinner. I just couldn't face cooking. I tried all the things I could think of to distract myself, but it just didn't work.

Today is a new day. Susie and I were able to get our walk in. It's cloudy but not raining. We may get snow tonight and then a couple of days of sunny but cold weather. Getting outside and moving didn't change anything - except my mindset.

Keep fighting the good fight y'all.

Better bad choices

 This weekend was an opportunity to put that nugget into practice!

T and I went out to dinner Friday night (grilled salmon, double broccoli, no appetizer). Then in an unplanned move, we met his family at a burger place for lunch Saturday (grilled chicken salad, ate a few bites of the appetizers ordered, took home leftovers). We try to limit our dining out and choose places carefully where we feel relatively "safe" dining, so 2 in 1 weekend was very unusual. Then Sunday T wanted wings for dinner to go with the football. So I made baked wings and a chopped veggie salad to go alongside. I put some grilled chicken in the salad to pump up the protein and limited the number of wings. I was still up a pound after the weekend but really that's not too shabby!

I've struggled finding a morning routine. Today it's supposed to rain with a high of 44. Since it was 42 this morning at 6:30 I decided to go ahead and walk then. Susie did much better walking in the morning. As much as I dislike the cold, I think I just need to suck it up and walk in the morning. I felt much better and managed 3 half mile laps (lately I've only been doing 1). I hope I've set myself up for a successful day.

Take care. 

Glad it's Friday

 It's been a long week. Work has been hectic, I've been sad, but I've been hanging in there. Had a nice loss (2.6 pounds). I hate that I'm starting again, but at least I'm starting again.

I finished watching the documentary on Amazon prime I wrote about:

The movie has 3 sections: nutrition, exercise, and psychology. The real gold (for me) was in the psychology part - I'm going to watch that part again and take notes! One thing one of the folks interviewed said really struck a chord with me "I encourage my clients to make better bad choices." Not perfect - not some crazy strict way of eating you can never adhere to - just improve your choices gradually. Gold. 

I've actually been doing that. I think I mentioned I gave up alcohol (extra calories, and it tends to lessen my inhibitions, which makes it easier for me to over snack), but I missed the taste and ritual. So we've been experimenting with some alcohol free substitutes. Some have been better than others, but it has helped me to make the shift. Anyway, there's a success for the week!

I'm going to make some new valences this weekend. I'll post photos!

Take care.

Hanging in there

 I've made it so far with my 2 baby goals for the week, but it's been tough. Work is crazy, my mom went home and that set off another round of sad. I miss J-dog so much my heart aches. But you know, eating won't bring her back. So I get out and I walk Susie. That's the sum total of the exercise I am doing right now. My mom had the first dose of the vaccine this week. I remind myself that spring is on the way and so are better times.

Take care.

Made it through the weekend

 Accomplished my 2 small baby step goals I established last Thursday:

So go me! Went to the nutritionist Saturday morning. No great revelations - she handed me a sheet for her low carb diet along with amounts of protein to be consumed. We ordered pizza last night for dinner (my mom adores pizza and we have a really good place here.) I only ate 2 pieces and watched my food the rest of the day. As a result I was up 0.2 pounds this morning. I think that's pretty good! I mean, yeah, just getting back on track and ordering pizza.... But hey, moderation!

One other thing I meant to mention in my last post is a movie I started watching on Netflix:

Whether you agree with everything or not, I think it's interesting to listen to "experts" discuss the science & psychology. It's a step to get my head back in the game. I haven't finished it yet, but I've enjoyed what I've seen so far.

Also, I got 20 free days of access to yoga download on my Roku tv. No, I haven't done any yet, but I do have the best of intentions! Lol

My husband got me this:

We used to joke about how much Bolt looked like Jordan (Jordan came first!), so he got me this to commemorate our friendship. I cried big ugly tears. I love it.

Have a good week.

Thoughts and ideas

 So..... lots of stuff.

First: I am so thankful I started counseling pre pandemic. While I was just getting into CPT therapy for my PTSD, working my way through that has helped my relationships and continuing with a counselor even when that was completed has helped me so much. I'm thankful I had that established relationship before all of this. Back in May (I think) T and I started seeing a couple's counselor. The stress of being at home while I tried to work and he was furloughed highlighted some issues  (especially around communication) we were having. We graduated last night!! We had gone down from every 2 weeks to once a month check ins to "email if you need me". I'm so thankful we put in that effort. I thought our relationship was pretty good before, but it is so much better now.

This week has been so hard. I've reached out to friends and family, but I have been grieving in a major way. I had my appointment with Laura yesterday and it was so helpful to hear her say "everyone is eating a sh&^ sandwich these days." (Those were her exact words. Lol).  She helped me set 2 manageable goals for this week: Take Susie for a walk every day and no alcohol. No matter how long or short, getting outdoors will benefit us both. And who needs the empty calories??? If I can't do that this week then I will consider going to my mom's for a few days for a change of venue to help shake things up. If I do it then a trip to Kohls for a much needed new bra (I'm down to 1 non sports bra!) and maybe a wallet if I see one I like. So a doable plan for the week.

Mrs Swan had a terrific post about motivation. So go read it! That whole MAR v ARM (motivation, action, results) v (action, results, motivation) makes so much sense to me. I know that even small steps can help create a positive feedback loop which builds momentum. That's what I am focusing on now. 

My counselor also sent me a link to a planner over on Amazon - The 6 Minute Success Journal It is based on the same concept - taking your big goals and breaking them down into small, repeatable actions. I just started reading it, but I am intrigued by the concept (and the short amount of time required!).

I am still using the calm app, although not daily. And I am going to the nutritionist Saturday morning. I don't expect any great revelations, only some accountability. But with the lockdown some external accountability would be helpful. 

Also helpful is that my husband has a vacation next month! I'm only taking a couple of days - he is using it to rest and to do a few things around the house, but we are going to the beach to visit the family and making a quick trip down to Helen GA to have a couple's getaway for a couple of days for us. I'm so glad he suggested it.

In other words, I'm trying to come at this issue from a lot of angles!

Have a great weekend and take care.

Getting off the struggle bus

 Made an appt with the nutritionist for Saturday. Gotta get my head back in the game. Grieving is okay, falling apart isn't.

What now?

 Somehow I have to figure out how to get back on some sort of track of taking care of myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtjro7_R3-4

So hard to say good bye

 We had to say good bye Friday. After a week of treatments there was no improvement. I am pretty much gutted. We were together over 13 years.

Not so good

 Jordan isn't doing too well. Her kidneys seem to be failing. She's back at the vet today. I'll keep you posted.

True

 I don't typically choose a word of the year, but this year it feels right. A couple of fairly significant crises forced me to examine the things I take for granted. I've come out of 2020 with a stronger sense of what I want, better communication skills, and new coping strategies. All of those things have at times been completely overwhelmed by my levels of stress and anxiety.

I see people all the time (including me!) claim certain things are important to them, but I don't necessarily see them living the priorities/ values they espouse. Certain televangelists make an entertaining example, but we all say things like losing weight, getting fit, saving money (as examples) might be important, but our micro choices don't support those goals. 

For 2021 I want to document my goals and then stay true to them. I want to create habits and align my choices (and micro choices) with the things I've said are important to me.

1. I lost 75 pounds. In 2020 I gained 30 back. I want (at minimum) to get back to where I was.

2. I've begun to work on getting a handle on our budget. In 2021 I want to achieve certain financial goals for myself. A big one is that I would like to replace my car this year.

I have begun decluttering / organizing/ redecorating in my home. I want to continue to do so. I hope that for 2021 our only major house expense is the new gas logs we ordered, but we have 2 small-ish electrical projects I'd like to have someone do as well. I realize that this one is partly beyond my control. 

Happy new year to us all!