I totally bought into the fallacy we teach our children in school: that being smart is sufficient. As long as I did my work, got good grades, and wasn't a "problem", I was successful. What a terrible message to send because the reality after school is completely different. Being smart might be necessary, but it is nowhere near sufficient to success. Hard work, tooting your own horn, standing up for yourself - all important. And still don't guarantee success.
Are relationships really any different? I absorbed the message (from around me, not specific to my family) that if I were a good cook, housekeeper, and partner, that a good relationship would somehow follow. Hardly! Those things might be important, but again - not sufficient. And somehow I've thought if my house were neater, more artfully decorated, if I prepared excellent meals that I would be treated the way I wanted. Yeah, hasn't happened.
When my husband had an emotional affair during the pandemic I thought if I tried harder I could fix it. But he needs to want to change. And he has said he does and we went to counseling and some things improved, but other things stayed the same. So here we are. I don't know if there is much left to salvage. If we are able to stay together it will be because we built something new, not fixed the old.
I'm a careful person. I've always asked why. I'm tired. I've deferred my dreams and now at 57 I'm lonely, overweight, and don't even know who I am or what I want. And the things I know, well I never made a plan to make them happen because the things I enjoy and want haven't aligned with my partner.
No idea what's next. There have been days I've been too sad to dream. I feel like I've lost my dreams. Taken the safer road. That needs to change.
