Away

Thanks for the kind words. I am currently at my mom's. With her carpal tunnel surgery & follow up etc. we've been down here helping out. So things have been a bit crazy/ stressful/ some things are out of my control. Not giving up, but doing what I can until I get back home Sunday. 

Sanity check September

 

T-shirt I'm seriously thinking about ordering:

I have to do something. After careful eating I watch my weight go up. Bathroom issues? Too many carbs? Mars in retrograde? I don't know, but I am f*&^ing tired of being this big.

Sanity check this month:

No booze (obviously)

No diet sodas

Maximize unprocessed foods

Minimize crap & eating out

Exercise - for my sanity & health.

Take care out there.

September Goals

 

Exercise 6 days per week (in addition to walking the dog).

Track my food.

If I don't see any solid movement on the scale then it's time to do something different.

You know it's serious - I've given up diet pepsi

 "Be stronger than your excuses"

Last night I was not stronger than my excuses, but today is another opportunity to make different, better choices.

Day 2

 

Yesterday was a good day, even though I never made it to the gym. I walked the dog 4 times and my food was under control. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It can't continue like this

 

I'm done. I'm done taking 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. Right now I am motivated. I may not stay that way, but I will remain determined. 

Yesterday was a good day until after dinner. Today is going to be a good day all day.

Back

 

Thursday morning I left for Syracuse and Friday night I came home. Yesterday we served 122 lunches at church through our community lunch program. My mom was here when I got home yesterday afternoon. She is having carpal tunnel surgery this morning.

I am tired y'all.

Stressful day

 

I am working in a new industry. There is a lot to learn and I really have to focus. Some days that is easier than others. And some days my husband makes it easier than others! Yesterday was a day that I was having a hard time and he (without intending to) was making it more difficult. I ended up very grouchy! It was a rough day. I ate a salami sandwich after dinner. I'm still doing better, but not good enough to really start moving the needle. 

I reminded myself that only 1 week, then we go to the beach for a week, then he (hopefully) will be back at work. I will be working at mom's, but it's easier there for me to lock myself in a room away from humans for the workday.

Looking forward to a change of scenery!

better

 

A day of reasonably careful eating, plenty of water, and some good exercise and the scale was down to 197.5 today. Just need to continue on....

Hoo boy

 

My friend came to town. It was a full/ busy/ somewhat tiring weekend, but we had fun! She also brought a homemade peanut butter and chocolate cheesecake. I saw a scary number on the scale this morning: 199.1. This has to stop.

Weekend

 

Yay! Looking forward to the weekend. A friend is coming down from Maryland (her birthday plans fell through and so I invited her down so she wouldn't spend the day alone). T and I are sorting through some of his business casual clothes. We're going to the pool and I will probably do a bit of sewing. So, not a lot but hopefully a relaxing weekend.

Take care.

Failing to plan = planning to fail

That old adage is certainly true for me! When I was having success, there were certain habits that were non-negotiable: exercise and meal planning. 

Working from home has meant that the kitchen is fully available any time I feel like doing any emotional eating! So I've decided to try & plan better.

Breakfasts are flexible, but I have 2 snack options: yogurt and fruit, and wasa cracker with hummus. Lunch is a recipe I copied years ago off a website. It's basically black beans, corn, a riced cauliflower, cilantro and then olive oil, lime juice, and some salt & pepper. I added a bell pepper that needed to be used, some avocado, and some leftover rotisserie chicken. It's super tasty and I can serve out a bowl, then add my avocado & chicken. So it's a sort of salad. lol

No real movement on the scale (yet) but I am sleeping better and my energy is better, so that's a start.

Take care.

Life's a beach

 Just got home from a long weekend at the beach. Lots of walks and I got to see my son for a bit! It's a super busy time of year for charter boats, so he's tired but seems to be doing okay.

Good question Vickie! I don't know! I do know there is a lot happening right now and the scale isn't budging (a source of frustration), and I'm really trying to cut out the stupid calories, and things are changing on my husband's job front (for the good, but still - change), and he's to the point where he's bored out of his mind but still very limited in what he can do.... the list goes on.

But I'll just keep showing up and hope things get easier/ scale begins to cooperate.

Take care.

Self fulfilling prophecy

 Last week or so, I noticed that after dinner when it's time to sit down and "relax" my anxiety would start ramping up. This is normally the time I would have a cocktail and start snacking - and of course those are habits I am trying to curb in order to lose weight. I think that change, and the absence of my evening habit is the root cause of the anxiety. I mean, that's fairly obvious! It's what to do about it I am struggling with. I've tried walking the dog, going to the hot tub, reading a book ... with varying degrees of success. This was a habit I managed to break for 2 YEARS, so I know I can do it again. Frustrating.....

Just keep swimming

 If I had posted yesterday, the title would have been "Two steps forward, two steps back." Since getting on the scale and seeing that horrifying number (197.4) I've been engaged in a battle of the wills with my subconscious. I genuinely want to lose weight for loads of reasons, but my subconscious is scared and wants the comfort of food. I get it, it's enjoyable (for a few minutes) and short term is easier to feel in your gut v. long term benefits. 

So I've been working to educate my subconscious and rather than arguing, I've been engaging in rational conversation. Yes, speaking calmly to your inner toddler (which is what my subconscious seems to be!) is a challenge, but I find myself persuading more frequently with soft words of comfort and logic rather than trying to beat her into submission. The scale has been bouncing like mad with little progress to show (so far), but my mental space is feeling better. Today's number: 197.6.

Take care - it's a jungle out there. Seriously, y'all be safe.

Epiphany

 Last Saturday, T said something and a lightbulb went off. He said "You are one of the few people I know that genuinely needs exercise." Honestly, I think we ALL need a certain amount, but I got his point - my mental health is SIGNIFICANTLY better when I am exercising. Except Sunday, I have been to the gym every day this week. All I have to do is go to Planet Fitness and do something (anything) for 15 minutes, no minimum effort beyond that. I've done 15-17 minutes on the elliptical, some days easy some days with more effort. I feel SO much better!

Who knew? Lol

Better

 In desperation, I slept in the guest room last night. I did sleep through the night, although I woke up at 5:30. I didn't sleep long, but at least I slept well. Yesterday I went to the gym and walked the dog 4 times. I am in my gym clothes and ready for the day. I have a meeting at church this evening, so my plan is to go to the gym & take a quick shower at lunch.

Last night I made this for dinner: Korean beef bowl along with Korean steamed spinach steamed matchstick carrots, kim chi, and some quick asian pickled cucumbers. I also subbed some cauli rice for regular in my bowl. So it was a veggie laden meal! 

Other things I did included: drinking my Amazing Grass green powder, brushing my teeth & washing my face, and not going crazy after dinner. I did make a bowl of homemade air popped popcorn. I added some butter, but I think that's still a much better option than the microwave kind. Baby steps.

Take care.

Challenging weekend

It was a tough weekend here at the casa. Someone didn't call the doctor about getting his pain meds refilled, which made for a miserable weekend all around. Sleep was terrible for the past 2 nights. I feel tired, grumpy, and fat.

Goals for the week:

Get to the gym every day. Even if its 15 minuted on the elliptical at Planet Fitness - its about creating the habit at this point. 

If I am awake in the middle of the night - no snacking!! I need to do something positive to support my sleep - not feed (literally) my anxiety. Take an anxiety pill, listen to a sleep story on the calm app, something like that.

I have gone to the gym today. I have walked the dog (twice). Eating has been ok. I have a healthy dinner planned.

Take care.

Good conversation

 Lots of good conversations have happened in my world this week. Here's a (somewhat) brief rundown:

My husband was diagnosed with bi polar 20+ years ago. At the time the medication options weren't that great - what he took ended up leaving him feel like a zombie so he didn't continue and has been hesitant to try anything since then. His doctor does have him on an anti depressant, but that can actually make his manic episodes worse. Add to that his manic episodes manifest as 1) anger 2) risky behavior, and you have a whole bunch of stuff that has factored into the marriage issues we've been experiencing for 15-16 months now. 

As a condition of our continuing to work on things, I told him he needed to go to individual counseling. He did and she is the one that pointed a lot of the above out and told him to get to a psychiatrist to see about getting his medications right. Getting to see a psychiatrist right now is TOUGH, but he does have an appointment for September. So today I am grateful that my husband has FINALLY seen the light (albeit under a bit of duress) and is seeking both counseling for his own issues as well as being open to pharmaceutical assistance that is much needed.

I spoke with my counselor today. We talked about T and my work situation. We discussed the fact that coming out of a toxic work environment isn't magically healed overnight, but I am finally beginning to feel a bit more normal about things. Work is going well and I am trying and learning and I am feeling hopeful that this will be a good place for me. That in turn leaves me in a place where I can work on creating the kind of life I want for myself.

I'm not 100% sure what that looks like. I do know that I want to spend more time outdoors. I want to go camping and hiking and kayaking. T is looking to possibly getting a 9-5 Monday - Friday job, which would give us time to do some of that stuff together. Whether that works out or not, I'm looking at what I can do in the near term. I've spent too many years treating my wants and needs like a can I keep kicking down the road.

I am also reading some great books. While they are about alcohol, the lessons can be applied to anything you over use/ abuse - food, shopping, internet, whatever. I just finished "Sober Curious" and I just started "This Naked Mind" - both written by women, both about empowering you to make healthy choices for yourself v. saying you are "powerless" over (insert addiction here). That paradigm makes a lot more sense to me.

One powerful thought "addiction is the opposite of being present". Wow. How long have I spent trying to NOT be present in my own life? What would it look like if I lived with intention, where my actions and choices aligned with my values and desires?

Accountability

 I took a vacation from the scale and gained 19 pounds. Even if I watch it go up, I am going back to daily weigh ins. I need the accountability.

I've gotten up early the past 2 mornings and gone out and sat in the hot tub by myself. It may not be as great for my physical health as yoga or kettlebells, but I'm hoping it will help my mental health.

I need to figure out how to create a life for myself that I don't need to use food to escape from.