You never know when it'll click for you

I've written before about the fact that my experience has been a bit different. So many times when you read  a weight loss story (or a blog about losing weight), the person will say they were "always the chubby one", or words to that effect. Because that wasn't true for me, I guess it's given me a different perspective - and different set of luggage to work through. :-)

Like most women, I've spent the vast majority of my adult life wanting to "lose a few pounds". Maybe 10 or so? My mom always did, my grandma always did - I don't know that I really ever knew a woman who was happy with her weight or body.

But the reality is that I was always a healthy weight until I got pregnant, and afterward I lost weight (using Weight Watchers) and kept it off for several years. It wasn't until a combination of events when my son was 5 that I began to really become overweight: starting a new job and dating my now ex husband.

I have an Excel spreadsheet where I record my weight on Fridays. There are long stretches of time when there is no number recorded, but the first recorded weight is dated October 2001. (The weight is 178). I've been at this 18 years. I started this blog 15 years ago!

So:

I started at 178, lost down to the 150s, and stayed there for 7 months.
I popped up for a month into the 160s, then
back down to the 150s for 32 months before
going back to the 160s, where I stayed for 9 months.
Then there's a long 3 month period with no record, before
I resurface at 180. Other than a couple of weeks, it's 19 months before
I move back to the 170s in March of 2009.
For a year or so I'm pretty solid in the 170s with a flirt here and there in the high 160s.
End of April 2010 I hit 180s again.
I languish in the 180s for 8 months, but I turn it around and begin moving back into the high 170s.

January of 2011 they announce our center is closing. I am forced to move if I want to keep my job. That's the first time my husband threatened to leave (Why didn't I let him go!??!?!?). And then I gave up.

Jan 7, 2011 - 178.6 No weight recorded until
April 1, 2011 188
June 3 I hit the 190s for the first time since being pregnant.
November 2011 I begin to turn it around and go back into the 180s.
April 2012 I see the 170s again!
October 2012 I see 180s again.
Feb 2013 back to the 190s.
Dec 27, 2013 I cross into 200+ territory for the first time in my life and except for a couple of dips, I stay there until
November 2014 I make it back below 200.

At that point I'm back in NC, working, and feeling pretty good about things. Not great (I was swimming in the river of denial for sure), but being back here was so much better.

I'm moving downward slowly, then my husband and I split in March 2015.

Between March 6 and August 2016 there are 8 weeks I recorded a weight, but by November 2015 I'm back above 200.

12/15 I cross 210 for the first time.
12/17 I cross 220.
1/12/18 I hit my all time high weight - 222.

So, what happens next?

By the Friday after my 52nd birthday (4/20/18) I was down 9.4 pounds - to 212.6. So I was losing maybe 3 pounds a month. But I was beginning to feel like I could do this and I decided that this time there was no quitting, no "dieting" my way back up and down the scale. I might have setbacks, I might stall, but I was going to keep moving forward. I have had setbacks and I have had stalls, but today I weigh 68 pounds less than I did on that all time high day.

What changed? How did a perimenopausal woman in her 50s lose weight? I think there are a couple of things that were different this time.

• Surviving the divorce. For one I felt safe in my relationship, but (maybe more importantly) I decided that I was not going to allow my reactions to someone elses emotions dictate my relationship with food. I was going to be the one controlling me. My marriage isn't perfect, my job, my life, my family - all imperfect. And sometimes I DO eat my feelings. But I don't do it regularly. And I strive to keep my life in a place where I don't feel the need to stuff down feelings.

• Something that I alluded to back at the beginning I think maybe gave me an edge. I had been a soldier, I had been an athletic civilian, I knew how people treated and related to me at a "normal" weight. So I knew what to expect - both good and bad. That helped me prepare for the bad (unwanted attention) and anticipate the good (the awesome feeling of being physically fit).

Yeah, I wish I'd been able to do this sooner. I regret spending a decade and a half overweight - a lot of it really overweight. OTOH, I am also deeply grateful that I was able to make the change and not simply continue on the upward glide path.

All of this is a long way to say: Don't give up. Never give up. Look at all those fits and starts, those years of struggle. Do what you can to build the foundation of readiness and keep trying until it clicks for you.

I wish you all the best of health.

Lovely day

It is sunny and 72 here - no wonder no one was at the gym at lunch! LOL

I went to the kettlebell gym last night, then went home, had a nice supper, took a bath, then watched some TV with my husband. it was lovely. :-)

Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical at lunch (which I also did yesterday), but no gym tonight. Tonight I'm going home to walk dogs and work on a sewing project.

Food is going well, exercise is going well, and weight is slowly moving downward. It feels like it will be forever before I get out of the 150s - it is SUCH a big milestone for me, for so many reasons. And it feels attainable!!!!  I am so determined to see it that the desire does make it easier to stay on course when I am tempted.

Sunday we are going out for dinner - a family celebration with T's family. We are going to a very good Japanese steakhouse. My plan is to 1. ignore the noodles 2. order extra vegetables 3. eat half the protein and veg 4. eat 1/4 c rice 5. take the rest home.

Have a good day!

Good weekend

T is finally starting to feel better about his new job - for a while last week he was feeling really overwhelmed. You know that feeling when you are learning something new and you're in the middle of it and you feel like you aren't getting anywhere? Then all of a sudden the skies part and you feel like you are farther along than you thought? Yeah, that happened.

Friday we went out to eat at a Japanese place - I had most of a sushi roll, a couple of pieces of T's tempura, half my hibachi (but just a couple bites of the rice), and 2 glasses of wine. So my weight was up a pound - totally not surprised.

Saturday I went to the gym and here is what I did:

I am sore from all the squats, but it's all good! Saturday was loads of errands all in different locations, so I put a lot of miles on my car. By the time I got home at 3:15 I was DONE.

Sunday I bought groceries and went to church to help out with lunch - it was so nice to be back there. The afternoon was mostly food prep for the week. I've been writing down my food and some Fitbit stats to share with the trainer at the gym. I've enjoyed keeping a paper journal! Who knew??

Anyway, here's another shot of my hydrangea:

My azaleas are in terrible shape (I think we are going to just pull them out) and I don't have any gardenias (may favorite), so I console myself with this very gorgeous hydrangea - my 2nd favorite shrub.

Have a good day!

TGIF

This has kinda been a week of Mondays! Lol. Crazy, but good. Went to the gym again last night and had another good workout - I'm so happy to be back there.

Weight is down 2.2 pounds this week, so maybe I've gotten back on the loss wagon. :-) I am now under 155 - a big psychological milestone for me. The next one - back into the 140s - is HUGE.

Busy weekend ahead - lots of errands etc.

Take care.

My triumphant return

Here's a better view of the door. Kinda tough to see, but the door actually matches the hydrangea! So pretty.

Last night I went back to the kettlebell gym. It was so fun! I had such a great workout and it was a prefect one to return to - challenging but familiar with a good chance to work on good form:

I did the entire workout using 26 and 20 pound bells in roughly 40 minutes. Pretty good! Since Anytime only has 1 bell of each size I haven't been able to do doubles (one bell per hand) since I left this place of wonder and joy.

And like Amy, I didn't let my husband's grouchiness when I got home get me down. Go me!

Have a good day!

A day of food

Sunday's food:

Breakfast: The other half of last night's steak & sauteed mushrooms with reheated squash, green beans, and some egg noodle for fast carbs (I ate this after I did the yard work and I was a bit shaky, which is unusual for me).

Not pictured: mid morning snack of 2 prunes with 1/2 tsp each of peanut butter and a sprinkle of cocoa powder.

Lunch:
Pan sauteed chicken tenders with leftover corn and asparagus.

Afternoon snack was a 100 calories Muscle Milk light.

For dinner we went out - I had a tossed salad, 2 wings, and half a small stromboli.  Up 2 pounds.

I am getting very frustrated. :-(

Bodies in Motion

Do you remember that show?

I loved it. I used to work out to it after I moved back to NC from Hawaii - I enjoyed the familiar locations.

Even though I said I wasn't going to the gym, don't think I've been sitting around!

This morning's workout:

Yesterday's workout:

The doors are both the same color - it's a really nice periwinkle. The photo color is much truer on the den door. The step looks better in person than the photo - it isn't perfect since it's at a transition between oak floor and knotty pine walls. I used the correct vintage stain, but the pine step is new wood so lacks the same patina. But it matches the quarter round, so pretty pleased.

I also finished planting herbs. I wanted to get the outside stuff done before it gets hot. Next up is mopping the den and kitchen and washing Jordan. Good times.

Take care.

Diet v Exercise

I read "Diet determines the size of your body, exercise determines composition", and I have to say I believe that.

This week I've just been really tired. I've been walking a lot and been busy, but I've only gone to the gym once. I've tried to be extra mindful of  my eating in the interim. This weekend is crazy. T works Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I'm using the time to paint the front and back (den) doors, stain the step into the den, wash the dog, take T's car into the body shop, plant the tomato & herb plants I bought, oh and cook at church and shop, food prep, laundry, tidy. Whew! I just don't feel like I have the time or mental head space to go to the gym! And yes, I could certainly *make* the time, but I want to knock out some stuff around the house, so I'll take walks and watch my food - then get back to it after this weekend.

Have a good one!

Busy, much needed day

I worked at home yesterday since I had a dental appointment. It was lovely. I worked quietly on work stuff, then quietly on house stuff. I had minimal human interaction, which was just what I needed to re energize myself. This weekend I have several house projects to tackle and I am really looking forward to it.

I hope you have a terrific Memorial day Weekend!

Down 1.3 pounds this week - turning it around!

Tighten up

Last night T and I rode to Lowe's to pick up a few things I needed for the weekend: a hedge trimmer (ours broke), a palm sander (I am planning to paint the front and den doors this weekend), a couple of dill plants, and of course the annual tomato plant to kill. Lol. I love home grown tomatoes. LOVE. A tomato sandwich is one of the finest foods on earth as far as I'm concerned. Every year I try to grow tomatoes and every year I fail. I feel a bit like Charlie Brown and the football, and yet I persist.

While we were riding we discussed the gym situation and I decided to go back to the kettlbell gym for now. I have a lot of stuff going on and I don't want to spend mental space learning something new & establishing a new routine - I already have enough change. And for training density (more work, less time), it's hard to beat kettlebells. Since I still have fat to burn, training density is important! I am going back tomorrow.

In the meantime, I can control my food. So I am back to tracking in Sparkpeople. First thing in the morning I enter what I plan to eat up until (if not through) dinner. My target is 1600 calories. Right now I am just monitoring my macros, if I need to adjust I will.

Another tweak is that now T isn't teaching, I don't pack him a lunch. Add to that he is in training which means homework and studying in the evening, so his time & energy is limited. It makes sense that I prep my breakfast, snacks, and lunches for the week - they are the same every day. Last night's dinner made 4-5 portions (home made "fried" rice), so we ate it last night and we'll eat it again tonight. Tomorrow I'm making beef stroganoff, which we will eat for 2 nights. We don't mind, although it does mean a bit less variety. but for now that is just fine.

Take care.

Workout funk

As much as I've gone on and on here about my kettlebells, it may surprise you when I say I am in a workout funk. I have felt no excitement lately. Oh, I've been checking in with regular half assed workouts, but I haven't really pushed it.

I'm trying to decide if I want to go back to the kbell gym for a while or try something new. Pros and cons to both choices, but I need to do something. On the plus side, I've been getting out and walking more. I've even done some yard work people, which I hate with a white hot passion. lol

Baked salmon and salad for lunch. Yum.

New scale, new day

Trip to Georgia was long but fine. Lots of traffic on the road since colleges were graduating. Also, picked up a HUGE screw in the tire and had to get it plugged on our way out of town Sunday morning, so our departure was delayed. Alma is slowing down and her memory is even worse. But she enjoyed the lunch we took her and the cupcakes we took everyone for dessert with dinner. I'm always glad we went, even if I could use the time at home.

T went to Costco and bought us a new scale, so I can now be reasonably certain I weight 157.7. So I've gained a pound and a half since my birthday April 19th. In other words, I've maintained for a month. Okay, I'm trying to be philosophical about this: I've had a lot going on and I've maintained. It's given my body a good long break from losing weight. Also I haven't been going to the kettlebell gym and I miss it and I know it pushed me. We quit when T quit his job, but I'm planning to rejoin.

So now it's time to refocus. 8.5 weeks until vacation and I would LOVE to have lost 7.8 pounds by then!

Food for the day is plugged into Sparkeople.

Take care.

Reset

I'm tired, exhausted tired, and somewhat overwhelmed. To take the edge off the grumpy I get snarky. When pushed I tend to say crazy stuff like "No", "I can't do that", "Your request isn't reasonable." So that's where I'm at today.

Also I am currently hating my workouts. All of them.

And someone left a box of pecan turtles in the break room and I may have stuffed one into my mouth and swallowed quickly before I could decide that it wasn't worth 85 calories.

Despite an IUD and perimenopause I started a period today, so I am blaming the last 3 weeks on hormones. I will ride that excuse until I return to something that bears some passing resemblance to sanity.

Have a good one.

Where to even start?

Let's see....

Plumbing to washer is broken. Scale is broken. New company president coming on site today. Out of town this weekend. Mom coming for said out of town trip tomorrow.

Honestly, exercise and my food plan are keeping me sane, but yesterday I nearly dove face first into a store bought cake I normally wouldn't even look at twice.

I'm not one to wish my life away but next Monday is looking pretty good.....

Back to what passes for normal around here

Either mom's scale is off, or mine is. Anyway, up a pound and a half? Something. In any case, back to normal - eating, exercise, & sleeping. That'll be nice!

Take care - hope your weekend was amazing.

Crazy weekend, busy week

Wedding, winery visit, errands. This week is blood work, travel, graduation, party. It's busy. It's easy to lose focus when life throws you a bunch of "out of ordinary" events. Walking the line between enjoying a taco at a wedding reception & going out for a wine tasting while keeping healthy is the line we all have to walk into order to maintain weight loss. To keep losing you've got to complete a gymnastics routine on the line. It's not easy, and I waffle sometimes, but I don't quit, and I try not to lose sight of the big picture.

It was a good weekend. 

I decided to go to Palm Beach Tan for a spray tan before the graduation. I'm glad I did it several days out since it feels a bit too dark. By graduation it should be a nice glow.

Too much tan IMO.

Wednesday I am going for some blood work to take my measles immunity level tested. Depending on your age, even if you were immunized as a child (which I was), you may not have sufficient immunity. A simple booster will fix it, so I am getting that done this week.

Take care!

Headed back down

I am within a half pound of my lowest recorded weight (this time around). I got up, got T out of the house and did my workout. I have a few errands to run today and things to do, but it feels good to have gotten my day off to a good start.

Make it a good one!

Turn the page

Why I blog - just writing about my frustration helped me break through. I had a good on plan day yesterday and packed great food for today. I am feeling MUCH better thanks to the antibiotic and had a good workout at lunch.

Onward and downward!

Every day I write the book

I used to love Elvis Costello. :-)

Every day gives us a chance to do something different or better.... or exactly the same! Lately I've been struggling with hunger. I mean actual hunger. And if I try to be too rigid during the day then things go sideways at night. But I've tried to be extra strict to make up for stuff like being out of town, dining out with family, etc. It's become a vicious, frustrating cycle with an end result of not losing or the scale going up. And I'm feeling anxious because I am going out of town again next week for my son's college graduation. And I'm taking ex MIL with me, and you know she makes me nuts.

And we're only talking 3-4 pounds, but I feel stuck. And I need to stop giving it so much power that its creating anxiety because that isn't helpful.

Also I have a sinus infection and feel like crap. I thought it was allergies but I finally broke down and went back to the doctor and now I have antibiotics. So at least maybe I will start feeling better!!

What I needed

While I love travelling and going out of town, I really needed some down time to re-center! Thankfully I made that happen this weekend, even though it was a busy one.

T's car got hit in the work parking lot last Thursday, so we are trying to find body shops to get estimates. And he needs new tires. So it's gonna be a very busy week before going out of town for the day Saturday to attend a friend's wedding. So some down time to just tidy the house, plan meals, and relax was just what I needed.

Saturday we went out to dinner with my in-laws to celebrate my birthday and MIL's birthday (yesterday). It was a lovely meal at a very nice restaurant. I was disappointed last Friday to realize that April was basically a wash - no weight loss. :-( And May is going to be busy, but I cannot let that derail me!

Breakfast was planned for the week: https://www.skinnytaste.com/egg-tomato-and-scallion-sandwich/

Snack is 1/2 c cottage cheese, 1/2 c frozen berries, 1 T chopped walnuts - half in the morning, half in the afternoon.

Dinners vary but are on plan, and lunches are leftovers. For lunch today I have steamed broccoli, diced rotisserie chicken breast, 1/2 c Barilla protein pasta and a lemon olive oil vinaigrette. Tonight's dinner is pintos & greens. Yesterday I did kettlebells, today is the elliptical plus some walk breaks at the office.



Make it a good one! :-)