Wonderful weekend

 The weather was AMAZING - just what I needed to help me get through to spring.

When will winter end?

 It has been so cold here I don't even want to leave the house. That's not an excuse - I certainly own fitness equipment. But I have been embracing my inner potato. After a weekend of too much football food, I am thankful this week is warming up so I can get outside!

I'll do better

 Up 1.3 pounds this week - stopping that evening snacking!

Just checking in

Yesterday was a long day. My primary GP is still in Durham at the VA - a little over 2 hours away. I really like her and since I only go maybe 2x per year, it's worth it to stay with her. Yesterday a friend rode with me to go for a follow up. While I was there I got a pap smear, blood and urine tests, and covid & flu vaccines. So it was a long trip but now I don't need to go back for an annual check up!

Anyway, she reassured me that recovery is a process and it's normal to still be tired.

My weight is still up a couple of pounds, but I'm back to keeping an eye on my food and waiting until lunch to eat. I need to add back in weight training. Maybe tomorrow....

Moving on

Got the car issue resolved for less than $150, so that's a win. My snacking continues to rage out of control and the scale is up 4 pounds - time to turn this around!

Better than nothing

 It's been a week.

Got the snacking under control, then Wednesday my car wouldn't start. For some reason I was really upset - far more than it should have warranted. I texted my son to help me troubleshoot and he used it as an opportunity to dump his bad week on me. So I ended up going to the store for beer & snacks. Yikes.

Luckily I had an appointment with my counselor Thursday and we talked about it and that gave me some good reinforcement on better options. Not to mention beer tears up my digestive tract for a couple of days after which was a pretty good aversion therapy reminder. 

Despite my best efforts (ha ha) I was down 0.1 pounds this week. I'll take it!

Take care of yourselves.

Ugh

Ate a bunch of crap last night (mindless evening snacking is my achilles heel).  Up 1.5 pounds. Not doing that again today.

Still here, still healing

 I am STILL taking an afternoon nap y'all! No exercise yet beyond light housework. Steps are maybe in the 6k range. But the combination of reduced snacking and no alcohol (my body needs to focus on healing right now) means I'm down another 1.5 pounds. I'll take it!

I am eating better and limiting my snacks, and trying to eat breakfast late or not at all. Seems to be working but I'm looking forward to getting out and walking. I have an appointmnt with my doctor on the 17th so we'll see what she has to say.

Back to the routine

Happy holidays!

I hope you enjoyed your break. I got sick (really sick) the week before Christmas. My second trip to the emergency room they found a kidney infection. It was awful and I was horribly sick (throwing up, diarrhea, high fever, chills) for 7 days. Once I started the antibiotics and other meds, I started feeling better.

I was too sick to even have Christmas until this past Saturday. But despite that, it was a good holiday. A friend was coming down so she wouldn't be alone over the holiday and thank goodness. Tim was working and I was nowhere near well enough to take care of myself. Having someone at the house was such a blessing.

Things with Tim have improved dramatically - the combination of his switching to a lower stress job and me setting healthy boundaries has made a huge difference.

My energy is still pretty low - I'm not exercising yet and I'm still taking a mid afternoon nap, but I am so much better!

I started 2024 at 206.5 - 1.5 heavier than I started the year but 7 pounds less than I was before I got sick. So there's that. As a diet strategy, I cannot recommend it but I'm thankful for the loss. I know that is also helping me feel better.

Here's to a better new year!

Just for clarity

 Just a note about my last post - we aren't 100% sure at this point that divorce is the end goal. Happiness is the end goal and if we can get there together then its certainly an easier result.

Surprisingly okay

 Things aren't bad. Still kinda weird. Actually tracking my steps and working on my eating. Things are a lot better since T moved to the guest room. Not sure what the future holds, but I'm doing alright.

Happy holidays, kinda

 As you can imagine, my holidays have been a mixed bag so far. Thanksgiving was nice (fresh oysters at my son's), mom's birthday yesterday was great (we all took the day off work to do fun things!), my good friend Cathy came for a few days.

But my spouse is living in the guest room and although he says he wants our marriage, his actions indicate he misses his mommy taking care of him. And that ship has sailed. I don't really want to go through a divorce and I'm not in a big rush. But this is just a lull while I sort stuff out - not a long term go forward plan.

Sigh.

Take care y'all.

Things we learn in childhood

I totally bought into the fallacy we teach our children in school: that being smart is sufficient. As long as I did my work, got good grades, and wasn't a "problem", I was successful. What a terrible message to send because the reality after school is completely different. Being smart might be necessary, but it is nowhere near sufficient to success. Hard work, tooting your own horn, standing up for yourself - all important. And still don't guarantee success.

Are relationships really any different? I absorbed the message (from around me, not specific to my family) that if I were a good cook, housekeeper, and partner, that a good relationship would somehow follow.  Hardly! Those things might be important, but again - not sufficient. And somehow I've thought if my house were neater, more artfully decorated, if I prepared excellent meals that I would be treated the way I wanted. Yeah, hasn't happened.

When my husband had an emotional affair during the pandemic I thought if I tried harder I could fix it. But he needs to want to change. And he has said he does and we went to counseling and some things improved, but other things stayed the same. So here we are. I don't know if there is much left to salvage. If we are able to stay together it will be because we built something new, not fixed the old. 

I'm a careful person. I've always asked why. I'm tired. I've deferred my dreams and now at 57 I'm lonely, overweight, and don't even know who I am or what I want. And the things I know, well I never made a plan to make them happen because the things I enjoy and want haven't aligned with my partner. 

No idea what's next. There have been days I've been too sad to dream. I feel like I've lost my dreams. Taken the safer road. That needs to change.

I know why older people get religion

 I know that title sounds bad, I don't mean it. I just mean I understand a bit. This is the first time I've lived alone in adulthood except for a 6 month stint in an efficiency apartment in college.

I have a job, a nice house, friends, dogs, family. And yet. Sitting alone at the end of the day I can't help but ask myself what it's all about. I've been so busy caring for others, making a home, making a life, that I don't even know what my dreams are. What's the point? I don't mean to sounds depressed, its just I'm alone with my thoughts and a minimal to do list. I'm not sure who will come out the other side of this, but maybe I will have an idea who she is. Right now my own heart and mind feel like the undiscovered country.

Monday

 So my husband moved out of the house a week ago yesterday, at my request. It's been a lot. 

Rudderless

 I have no motivation. I'm not doing badly, thins are okay, I just don't feel motivated to really do much of anything.  Am I depressed or just need a new focus?

The house

 I have finally got the furniture in its interim locations for the most part and I have unboxed enough that I am actually hanging pictures!  Yes I am stressed and I am struggling to get back into a routine, but I'm doing a heck of a lot better than I was. So I am calling it a win.

Better at the beach

When I was a kid, my maternal grandparents had a camper. We went to Edisto Island SC a lot. We fished and caught shrimp and crabs and oysters, rode bikes, and walked the beach looking for shells (a major family affair). There was a small gift shop/bait/grocery and that was about it. It was the first place I heard the Gullah language spoken, long before I knew the term. In the late 70s a small number of condos were built over on the marsh side but then the city council got involved and updated the ordinances to keep Edisto as undeveloped as possible.

We started going back when Fox was kid. We didn't have a camper so we went in with mom or sometimes friends and rented beach houses. The grocery had been upgraded to a Piggly Piggly and they added a bike rental shop and a small handful of restaurants. Other than that, very little had changed.

Today the Piggly is now a Food Lion (much to the detriment of the hot bar). That's about it. There's some new mega houses tucked between the more modest, older beach houses. But the restaurants are still mostly the same, the bike shop is the same, and it's still a bit up the road for wi-fi.

We did a lot of the same stuff I did as a kid, walked the beach, cooked, visited old graveyards, read, did puzzles, and reminisced. Three generations out on the porch, listening to the ocean. It doesn't get any better.

No catchy title

 Well, let's see. We're back from our multi generational week long beach trip. Which was amazing! My husband lost his job. I started a side hustle with my best friend. I got on the scale.

So I have a lot going on and lot to catch up on.

Having said that, I've been feeling like crap lately physically. And I just couldn't keep doing it. I'm trying intermittent fasting and a significant overhaul of my diet. It's not perfect, but it's better than it was. The need to save money is just an added incentive to cook at home both economically and healthfully. 213.7 if the number I saw yesterday. Frankly I thought it might be worse.

Sometimes the thing finds you

 I told myself I would start Monday, but I had a mammogram at the VA which took a chunk of time. But I saw this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK-ukqgd3VI

A Tracy Reifkind easy 10 minute workout complete with instructions on how to make progress. It's stuff I already knew, but it was an important reminder: just start. somewhere. anywhere. Just do it.

So I did. One workout down, more to come.