Happy holidays, kinda

 As you can imagine, my holidays have been a mixed bag so far. Thanksgiving was nice (fresh oysters at my son's), mom's birthday yesterday was great (we all took the day off work to do fun things!), my good friend Cathy came for a few days.

But my spouse is living in the guest room and although he says he wants our marriage, his actions indicate he misses his mommy taking care of him. And that ship has sailed. I don't really want to go through a divorce and I'm not in a big rush. But this is just a lull while I sort stuff out - not a long term go forward plan.

Sigh.

Take care y'all.

Things we learn in childhood

I totally bought into the fallacy we teach our children in school: that being smart is sufficient. As long as I did my work, got good grades, and wasn't a "problem", I was successful. What a terrible message to send because the reality after school is completely different. Being smart might be necessary, but it is nowhere near sufficient to success. Hard work, tooting your own horn, standing up for yourself - all important. And still don't guarantee success.

Are relationships really any different? I absorbed the message (from around me, not specific to my family) that if I were a good cook, housekeeper, and partner, that a good relationship would somehow follow.  Hardly! Those things might be important, but again - not sufficient. And somehow I've thought if my house were neater, more artfully decorated, if I prepared excellent meals that I would be treated the way I wanted. Yeah, hasn't happened.

When my husband had an emotional affair during the pandemic I thought if I tried harder I could fix it. But he needs to want to change. And he has said he does and we went to counseling and some things improved, but other things stayed the same. So here we are. I don't know if there is much left to salvage. If we are able to stay together it will be because we built something new, not fixed the old. 

I'm a careful person. I've always asked why. I'm tired. I've deferred my dreams and now at 57 I'm lonely, overweight, and don't even know who I am or what I want. And the things I know, well I never made a plan to make them happen because the things I enjoy and want haven't aligned with my partner. 

No idea what's next. There have been days I've been too sad to dream. I feel like I've lost my dreams. Taken the safer road. That needs to change.

I know why older people get religion

 I know that title sounds bad, I don't mean it. I just mean I understand a bit. This is the first time I've lived alone in adulthood except for a 6 month stint in an efficiency apartment in college.

I have a job, a nice house, friends, dogs, family. And yet. Sitting alone at the end of the day I can't help but ask myself what it's all about. I've been so busy caring for others, making a home, making a life, that I don't even know what my dreams are. What's the point? I don't mean to sounds depressed, its just I'm alone with my thoughts and a minimal to do list. I'm not sure who will come out the other side of this, but maybe I will have an idea who she is. Right now my own heart and mind feel like the undiscovered country.

Monday

 So my husband moved out of the house a week ago yesterday, at my request. It's been a lot. 

Rudderless

 I have no motivation. I'm not doing badly, thins are okay, I just don't feel motivated to really do much of anything.  Am I depressed or just need a new focus?

The house

 I have finally got the furniture in its interim locations for the most part and I have unboxed enough that I am actually hanging pictures!  Yes I am stressed and I am struggling to get back into a routine, but I'm doing a heck of a lot better than I was. So I am calling it a win.

Better at the beach

When I was a kid, my maternal grandparents had a camper. We went to Edisto Island SC a lot. We fished and caught shrimp and crabs and oysters, rode bikes, and walked the beach looking for shells (a major family affair). There was a small gift shop/bait/grocery and that was about it. It was the first place I heard the Gullah language spoken, long before I knew the term. In the late 70s a small number of condos were built over on the marsh side but then the city council got involved and updated the ordinances to keep Edisto as undeveloped as possible.

We started going back when Fox was kid. We didn't have a camper so we went in with mom or sometimes friends and rented beach houses. The grocery had been upgraded to a Piggly Piggly and they added a bike rental shop and a small handful of restaurants. Other than that, very little had changed.

Today the Piggly is now a Food Lion (much to the detriment of the hot bar). That's about it. There's some new mega houses tucked between the more modest, older beach houses. But the restaurants are still mostly the same, the bike shop is the same, and it's still a bit up the road for wi-fi.

We did a lot of the same stuff I did as a kid, walked the beach, cooked, visited old graveyards, read, did puzzles, and reminisced. Three generations out on the porch, listening to the ocean. It doesn't get any better.

No catchy title

 Well, let's see. We're back from our multi generational week long beach trip. Which was amazing! My husband lost his job. I started a side hustle with my best friend. I got on the scale.

So I have a lot going on and lot to catch up on.

Having said that, I've been feeling like crap lately physically. And I just couldn't keep doing it. I'm trying intermittent fasting and a significant overhaul of my diet. It's not perfect, but it's better than it was. The need to save money is just an added incentive to cook at home both economically and healthfully. 213.7 if the number I saw yesterday. Frankly I thought it might be worse.

Sometimes the thing finds you

 I told myself I would start Monday, but I had a mammogram at the VA which took a chunk of time. But I saw this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK-ukqgd3VI

A Tracy Reifkind easy 10 minute workout complete with instructions on how to make progress. It's stuff I already knew, but it was an important reminder: just start. somewhere. anywhere. Just do it.

So I did. One workout down, more to come.

My poor neglected blog

After we got back from vacay, a friend came for a week long visit (she leaves tomorrow). So between unpacking from vacay, company, working around the house, my job, everything else has sort of fallen off the radar. 

That all changes Monday when operation sort my sh&^  out begins. 

Back

 Back from vacation, trying to settle into the house, get caught up at work, and blah blah blah. Need to refocus.

And now for something completely different

 Incredibly enough, it is now time for our annual camping trip in PA! To say I am unprepared is a sort of accurate statement. I'm neither prepared nor worried, I'm going to do the best I can and let the rest go. I don't have the spoons for that.

Boring city

 We finally spent our first night here Saturday. Susie used the dog door today. So its (slowly) coming together! Pictures soon.

Final push

I booked a truck for Saturday. Final push to get our stuff out of mom's, and mom's stuff out of storage. 

So very tired.

Still alive

The storage unit is emptied of our stuff (my mom has some things in there), the house is (slowly) coming together.

Last week sucked but I made a lot of progress.

I am afraid to get on the scale.

Vacation!

 

Today is my last day of work!! A friend is coming down and I am taking next week off to move stuff and knock out some projects.

The good news regarding the roaches is this: they can't survive without water and there isn't any they have access to in the house. So they are highly motivated to vacate! The exterminator has used baits, traps, get, spray, and put out FAR more than he would if humans were living in the house. The toilets are saran wrapped so that is the ONLY water in the house and they can't get to it. I am really hoping we get a clean bill next week! Fingers crossed! After that we will do regular maintenance. The situation isn't as challenging as Florida, but its the south and the war on bugs never ends down here. Ha ha

Expect lots of photos next week!

And so it goes

 Old house have issues. So do new houses - just different ones.

This the continuing saga of the great German cockroach infestation of 2023: At the advice of the exterminator, I have saran wrapped my toilets, sealed the drains, and removed the appliances that involve water (dish washer, fridge, washing machine.) But of course the builder built the island in place and it can't be moved without detaching it. Fox had to remove the pantry door, the doors off the freezer sections, the handles off the fridge sections, and the front door to get the fridge out of its nook and out of the house. So on my to do list I have added "make island NOT attached".

They are scheduled for next week to come back out and napalm treat the house again.Y'all pray for me.

I know a year from now this will be a distant if unpleasant memory. A mere molehill in the rear view mirror. But right now its front and center in the windshield and looks like a mountain. I know there are worse problems and I'm grateful that I don't have a pending deadline of an expiring lease or anything, but I was really hoping to be moving in next week. Oh well. 

Floors! And a profound dream

 Houston we have floors!

I had this dream the other night that I moved into the new house, told everyone my name was my middle name, and then totally changed my habits, lifestyle, and how I presented myself. In my dream I was someone very focused on fitness and home decorating. 

Huh. Sounds like a good plan!

Ugh

 The roach infestation is still an issue. We've had the exterminator out twice, his recommendation is to remove the appliances and put them outside a few days. Yes, they like to live in appliances. 

Yuck.

It was a day

 So there I was, eating breakfast in my PJs when the phone rings and the floor guy's number shows up. I didn't mean to answer the phone with "Oh sh^&", but yeah. Because floor was starting yesterday, but I had not even thought about how they were supposed to get into the house. So a quick run to the house and I could get back to work. 

Clearly I have way too many spinning plates.