More navel gazing

Yesterday I met a girlfriend for lunch, then drove to Durham for a cookout with friends.  It was a satisfyingly social day.  Today is Cinderella duties.

I'm excited about our trip, feel more confident in my financial security as a result of the signed separation agreement, but I still feel .. wow.

Years of trying so hard to keep my marriage together, and putting up with so much crap, and doing so much for that guy.  And then he shows up to the signing with a toddler seat in the back of his car.  Yeah, unfaithful much?  What a jerk.

So, what's next?  I had envisioned buying a house and then renovating it just the way we wanted it (the perks of being married to a contractor).  Now?  Hell, I have no idea. 

It's hard to get excited about putting one foot in front of the other when you have no idea where you are going.

Turn the page

I have spent the past 20 or so years doing what women all around the world do: support and nurture their families.  I’ve provided financially and emotionally, and my efforts have taken care of us and allowed others to pursue goals and dreams.  There have been successes and failures along the way.  And like many women, I have happily allowed my own dreams to take a back seat, believing “my turn” would come.

The past year has brought about a sea change in nearly every aspect of my life, and the next year promises to bring even more.  With change comes opportunity if you are willing to grab it.  I’ve been asking myself lately what dreams I want to pursue.  I don’t have a lot of concrete answers and that’s okay.  But I’ve been yearning to do something epic.

I’ve decided this year I am crossing a big item off my bucket list:  I am making a cross country trip with my son.  Beyond visiting a dear friend in Phoenix, Moab, the Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, the rest is TBD.  We have to work out the itinerary and timeline, but I have reached a point where I am able and ready to make my own goals and dreams a priority.

Maybe a different woman could have done a better job of balancing those dreams of her family with her own.  I guess I’m too much of an “all in” person to have done it that way.  I waited “my turn”, before realizing that you can’t wait, you have you make your turn.

Our cross country trip to see some of the best America has to offer might be the “official” start, but really, the journey is already underway.

TGIF

Guys, it's been as rough a week emotionally as I have had in months.  But the papers are signed, the car titles are transferred.

Blech

Ever feel like you are a salmon trying to swim upriver, but barely holding your own?  The last couple of days I just felt like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life.  While that isn't reality, it's how I feel.  And it stinks feeling that way.

Here is a picture of the food I am packing this week:

That riced cauliflower looks weird. :-)

I know this feeling will pass, I don't like coming here and being a negative nellie, but I guess we all feel that way sometimes!

I had dinner with 2 friends over the weekend, so that was nice.  I'm hanging in here, but the heat is kinda miserable.  It was 98 today.

Take care!

Define "salad"

I just finished my food prep for the week.  Yay!  I made myself a different variation of salad that I haven't made in a while, and I got to thinking about salad.  Some bloggers say they don't like salad.  That may be true, but I also think a lot of people have a pretty narrow definition.

My salads that I pack for lunch never include lettuce or spinach or anything like that - they just don't hold up well. This salad is no exception to that rule.  I'll give you the base and today's version, but you can take this salad in any flavor direction you'd like.

Cauliflower salad

Rice a head of cauliflower in the food processor  (after that there are no rules!)
Today's included
grilled chicken
a can of black beans
cilantro
green onions (red are good too)
I could have put roasted corn but didn't have any
chili and garlic powder
lime juice
salt
an english cucumber, diced

This will keep in the fridge all week.  Every night before I pack some for lunch I plan to add:
diced tomato and avocado

As you can imagine the portions are quite large and low in calories and carbs, but an excellent source of good fats & protein.

It's super hot here today.  I went for a walk in the park and am spending today inside.  I miss you, spring!

Hope you have a good day!

And .... moving on

So, here's the thing: In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.  We've been separated for 3 months, so 9 more to go.  You can do it one of 2 ways: you can get a legal separation agreement at any point in that year, or you can wait to quibble over shit until the end and drag it out.  We already have a verbal agreement, I want to get it in writing.  But husband is the kind to do any and everything in order to avoid anything "unpleasant". 

He had planned to come down here this weekend to help his mom with some stuff, but when that became unnecessary, I think he decided "why bother"? Although he has to register son's car by the end of the month or sign it over to me, so I do think he will likely come next weekend as that is his last possible chance to avoid shelling out for the car.  But once he signs, he also loses his ability to say "If you don't do xyz, then I will xyz."  And yeah, extortion is one of the tools in his arsenal to get his way.

SO.

Had a bit of a pity party last night, then got up this morning and went to the gym.  Food is planned and purchased, and will be prepped tomorrow.  I've applied for the open position on our team, balanced my checkbook, and done some housework.  Tonight I am having dinner with a girlfriend.  Tomorrow is more Cinderella work (laundry and cooking) plus maybe a walk in the park. 

So, yeah, pretty disappointed but not surprised.

Have a good day!

ugh

Guess who backed out of signing the papers?  Ugh.  Back tomorrow.

I got nothing

Stressed.

Started watching "Grace and Frankie" on netflix.  It's pretty cute.  Work was okay, have some nice plans with friends for the weekend, plus some down time.  Just looking forward to getting this done.  Will report in tomorrow night.

Good night!

We shall see

The good:  Husband claims he will meet me Friday afternoon around 3 or 3:30.  We'll see if he actually signs the separation agreement.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  So that could be good!

The "bad":  Cross Fit.  Okay, it wasn't bad, but it was HARD.  Very tough partner workout.

The ugly:  I think a while back I mentioned our good family friend (they used to live next door and I babysat for their son).  His wife is mom's best friend and he was a finance professor and my mentor in grad school.  He was diagnosed with cancer, which they treated.  It is back and it is everywhere.  The situation is just awful.  She came over to cry on mom's shoulder - I headed out early to the gym so they could talk.  I just feel so terrible.

Day was typical; ate my packed food, came home, went to the gym, ate supper.  Need to take a shower and pack my food for tomorrow.

That's all I got.

Anxiety

So, this week I am waiting with baited breath to see if my husband will actually sign the separation agreement on Friday.  Cross your fingers for me!

This week is okay.  It's hot, I went to Cross Fit and it was a sweatfest, but I loved it.  I need to go shower and pack my food before my 8 PM weight loss support group conference call.

I leave you with this thought:

Sunny Sunday

Good morning.  Got a great night of sleep last night, but for some reason I woke up at 6 and I was awake.  Ugh - my chance to sleep in, denied! :-O

I got up and went to the park for an early morning walk which was very nice.  I've been to Costco, almost finished with food prep, and mostly done with laundry.

The big activity for this afternoon is washing the dogs.  Jordan is pretty easy, but Mya hates getting a bath, and she's big, and very strong.  Luckily it isn't a frequent occurrence!

Yesterday I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2" on netflix streaming.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

Not much else to say.  Looking forward to a low key day before I go back to work.  Have a good day!

Crazytown

So, about yesterday.  Hub called his mom and asked her to call my mom to see if my mom would meet him at the back Friday so he could sign the car over to me.  Uh, WTF!?!  So, why is he trying so hard to avoid me?  Anyway, I told him that he would need to meet me because I was the one who would be getting the car, not my mom.  Dumba$$.  And we could sign the separation agreement at the same time.

He made a few asinine statements, but so far seems amenable to this plan.  We shall see.

I don't understand why he is trying so hard to avoid me, I'm like, let's just get it done and move on, but he would rather delay & avoid.  What a coward.  Moving on....

Had an amazing Cross Fit workout this morning.  Here is what was written:

400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 cleans
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)

It was a partner workout so you only do half the exercises in between - we traded off with sets of 5.  Since I don't run we did a 300 m row instead.  It took us around 22 minutes.  Not too shabby, but boy was I whipped!  I was proud of th epace we were able to maintain and having a partner pushed me.

I came home & had a steak & tomato omelet.  I am going to take a shower and then start on chores - the usual cleaning, shopping, food prep, plus dog washing! :-)

Anyway, just needed to vent yesterday.  One trait about my ex that drove me nuts was the way he would do just about anything (including lie) in order to avoid something unpleasant.  I'm a rip off the bandage kinda girl.  I'd rather be done with it so I can move on.

Okay, have a great weekend!

Head exploded

So, my not soon enough ex is being a jerk.  Head explodes.  You left me, I gave you everything you asked for, what's up with your douchery???

The end.

Sleepy girl!

I have no idea who has been slipping me sleeping pills!  I have been SO tired lately.  I came home and took a nap (again today) then ate supper, then went to water aerobics.

I don't know why I've been so tired lately, but I've taken a nap every day after work.  I've done water aerobics twice, did Cross Fit last night, and plan to do Cross Fit again Friday and Saturday.

In any case, other than a small bag of chips (200 calories) that I gave in to at work today (it was my long day - 10 hours - and I was tired), food has been on plan and exercise has been really good.

Okay, my son is visiting so I'm gonna get off the computer.

Good night!

Wednesday

My reaction when a friend had to shut down her blog.  Most uncool.

My day was nice - had lunch with a good friend which was a treat.  Ate planned food, went to Cross Fit, then had a yummy dinner (salmon patties, baked fries, roasted okra).

I am very proud of myself! My feelings about Cross Fit have been mixed - I love the weight lifting part, but the conditioning work is pretty brutal and I dread it because I'm not in good condition.  Tonight's metcon included multiple 800 meter runs.  I asked how long to row as a substitute and did that instead.  I am proud of myself.  I didn't make excuses, just asked, rowed that distance instead, and moved on.  It was still very hard, but it didn't feel overwhelming.  So yay for sticking up for what is right for my body!

Ex is going to have to go in to the DMV and register the car.  I texted him and he said okay.  So done.  Moving on from that.

I hope you had a great day and enjoy your evening.  Take care!

I don't always want to feel my feelings

First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments.  You are right - my feelings are appropriate, and I am thankful I didn't buy a car with an accident I didn't know about!

Last night I came home, ate, and went to water aerobics.  Then I had a snack when I got home, watched an episode of "Eureka" and went to bed.

This morning I went online to update the registration for my car and my son's.  Mine was no issue.  Son's car is in my husband's name, and since he changed his address I couldn't do it online.  I was SO annoyed.  My feelings were out of proportion to what happened.  In any case, my son can go Friday and see if he can do it in person.  If not, ex will have to deal with it.  I sent him a text and let him know.  Ugh.

I'm resentful that for 13 years I supported him, made sure he had health insurance (and took car of himself), and now he is perfectly willing to leave us without health insurance.  And threaten to take half my retirement fund.  So when stuff like this morning happens, I get livid.  So yeah, I am angry and resentful.

There are times I really don't want to feel my feelings - they just feel like too much.  I just keep plugging away at the little issues, knowing that only time & distance will help.

I planned to go to Cross Fit, but I came home for a short nap and didn't wake up.  Dinner is eaten, food for tomorrow is packed.  So I guess today is a rest day.  Tomorrow is Cross Fit.

Take care!

Feeling my feelings

I am going to write this.  I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but this is how I am feeling and I want to write it down, partly so I can let it go.

I think I mentioned that a colleague was going to sell her car and buy a minivan. I was hoping to buy it - it's 1 year newer, has 25K less miles, and has cruise control (the main point).  Well, she traded it when she got a new car this weekend.  Turns out it had been in an accident before she bought it and that wasn't disclosed, so she didn't want to sell it to anyone.

I don't blame her, but I am disappointed.  And I am also feeling resentful that my ex went out and bought a car the day after he left me.  And I still have my old car.  My only complaint about my car is that it doesn't have cruise control.  Other than that I am happy.  And could I go buy a car?  Of course! But I am trying to be fiscally responsible since my contract is up in October and I don't know what I'll be doing after that.  And I don't know when my house is going to sell.

So, disappointed and resentful.  Eh, those are my feelings.  I'm not letting it ruin anything, nor have I turned to food.  I am going to read, have a nice dinner, and then go to water aerobics.

Take care.

Sunday

Last night I met up with 2 girlfriends for dinner and had a great time!  Today I am feeling MUCH better - still a tad sniffly, but nearly 100%.

More importantly, I am feeling a renewed sense of purpose.

I got up at 7 and began food prep for the day.  I've made 2 turkey casseroles, cooked my breakfast and lunch stuff as well as most of my son's.  I need to do my laundry and sweep my room. 

Mentally I feel much better today.

Food for the week:

Breakfast: salisbury steak made with ground turkey and green beans
Snack: hummus & carrots
Lunch: salad made with turkey, roasted zucchini, cucumber, tomato, and homemade vinegarette
Snack: fruit & 12 almonds
Dinner: various
Snack: 1 slice ultra thin rye & 3 pieces of salami

I hope you enjoy your day!

Get the funk out

I have really been in a funk, and then I got sick.  The last (month?) has just been ... blah.  I know that's normal and okay, I've basically kept my head above water, but that's about it.  I've gone to work and done the things I NEEDED to do, but that's about it.  There's just not much left over.  I know this won't be forever, and it's just a mood, not reality.  (Does that make sense?).  I'm getting out, connecting with friends, blah blah.  Things could be a lot better on the food & exercise front, but I haven't been ready to tackle that.  But .. I can feel that I am close to being ready again.

I haven't had a lot to say, honestly I haven't even had a lot of thoughts.  I just feel kinda like I'm swimming through an empty spot.  It just ... is. But things aren't bad either.  And you know what, they'll be good. :-)

Take care.

Sick :-(

I'm okay.  I have a summer cold and feel pretty miserable.  I called in sick, but then went in later.  I just got caught up from taking time off, I didn't want to all behind again.

Still hiding in a book. Not working out as I feel like poo.  On the plus side, I have NO appetite.