Mixed feelings

As my weight loss slows, I keep coming back to the idea that maybe I should track my macros. At least track for a week to see where they are. I've reached a point where I really don't want to cut my calories any more and I feel like I'm doing as much as I can to be physically active (in and out of the gym), so macros seems to be the next logical place to make changes.

Can I just say I am dreading it? Tracking on paper is doable, but doing it online to that level of detail feels painful. But I am going to challenge myself to do it for a week (next week!) just to see where I am and go from there.

Take care.

Sale shorts

Good morning.

When we were in Wilmington for my birthday we went shorts shopping for the husband. In W-M I found some Avia running shorts I liked a lot for 10 dollars. I bought a couple of pair and have been enjoying them. Ellie at the gym asked me where I got them and she bought some (that's a great price for running shorts!).

Anyway, they are now on clearance for half price, so I bought 3 more pair. Now that I've lost weight, I'm actually wanting (and sometimes needing) to buy clothes. And I don't hate it as much as I used to.

Here's a quote from the blog Instant Loss: "When successfully losing weight there’s a temptation to avoid situations that may limit your control but I urge you not to. You’re sole purpose in life is not to lose weight, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself while you’re on your trip."

 That's the trick, isn't it? Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, not making food the focus, but not being afraid to enjoy it from time to time.

Yesterday was a good day - I ate well, enjoyed what I ate, and the bloat weight is coming back off.

Take care.

Figuring it out

I have been in a funk since yesterday morning and I've been struggling to figure out why. And really, the root cause only matters so much. The better question is what do I do now? I lost steam, didn't get much done yesterday, felt guilty about it, ended up going out to eat (unprepared for dinner), over ate, and felt another round of bad when I got on the scale this morning.

What's next?

I think I figured out what brought on the funk. I'm going to talk about it with hub and a friend and decide how I want to address it (Someone hurt my feelings. A lot.).

And move on. I know, easier said than done. But I got up, made breakfast, packed lunch, packed my gym bag, and set myself up for a good day.

I'm at work. I'm wearing some new (old) capris that fit again (which feels good!). I sorted through some of my costume stuff and am giving away several things that don't fit to friends that can use and will enjoy them.

I took a bunch of pet food and a cash donation to the Humane Society in honor of a friend's birthday. I went to church and helped cook a nice lunch for those who are in need. I did things to remind me that there is some decency in the world, and surrounded myself with people who care.

We are human. We hurt each other. We hurt. We deal with that in less than productive ways. What I don't need to do is pour the rest of the proverbial gallon on the floor after the glass of spilled milk.

Take care.

Work out!

Saturday morning's workout:

Gotta live my life

Happy Friday!

Lest you think I have this all figured out (there's a laugh), Here's what went through my head this morning when I got on the scale. "oh no! It's up a pound and a half/ Why??? I ate a really good dinner last night - seafood and veggies! Maybe we shouldn't go out to dinner Saturday so I can be sure to get back down."

There are so many things wrong with that line of thinking. We are going on a date Saturday night (something we haven't had time for lately). We don't eat out often, so we thought about choices, picked a nice restaurant, and booked reservations. And I'm gonna skip because I worked out hard and maybe my muscles are holding onto some water? Are inflamed and sore?

Yes, I want to lose weight - but not as quickly as possible so I can resume my life. This needs to be my life. Dinner at home tonight (homemade carnitas tacos), and we are going out Saturday. I will enjoy my meal, but probably cut it in half if its too big (but its a fancy place so who knows?). The scale may be up Sunday, but I'll just get on with it.

Have a good weekend!

Strange feeling

Good morning. Today I crossed the 70 pounds lost mark. Did you know that's the weight of an average 10 year old? It feels mostly unreal to me that I actually had that much weight to lose (well, more actually since I have more to go!). That is .. shocking.

Tuesday when he stopped for gas, T did buy me a 16 oz beer at the convenience store. I didn't drink it after I got home from the gym. Last night he said "that beer is still in the fridge if you want it". He was shocked when I said I didn't and then he remarked he couldn't believe I was leaving a beer untouched. Which makes me question whether my drinking had become problematic? Did he see it as problematic? Anyway, I told him I had a goal I was trying to hit (crossing the 70 pound mark). I weighed 151.7 this morning. In theory I could be in the 140s by the end of the month - that mythical land not seen since ??? early 2001? Late 2000? I have no record.

Anyway, I am keeping on keeping on. In spite of the stress early in the week, I am in a good place mentally, emotionally, physically.

Take care of yourself out there today!

Perfectly imperfect

I had a bunch scheduled for myself this week, plus it's been hectic with the husband trying frantically to get everything wrapped up for work. The first couple of evenings this week there was some stress eating. Then yesterday I got hit with a whammie when his class dates were moved - messing up our family trip to the Atlanta aquarium. Now he has to work and won't be able to go - and everything is already purchased. :-(

So after a day of feeling all the negative emotions - anger, sadness, disappointment etc., when t called on the way home and said he needed gas and did I want anything from the convenience store I replied "A 12 pack". I was only half joking. The idea of having a couple of beers and just .. switching off .. sounded lovely. He said no. I immediately changed into a new workout top I'd been saving for an emergency, and got my butt to the gym. I had an awesome workout.

See what I did there? I could've stayed mad with myself for 2 nights of eating some crap I didn't need. I felt my feelings, acknowledged what I would like to have done (at least part of me), but then I made the better choice and turned it around.

If you stay in the "beating yourself up" place, you won't move to a good place. It's easy to do the right thing from a place of caring & desire rather than shame.

Take care.

Great weekend

I had a great weekend - road trip with friends, day at home catching up (somewhat) yesterday. Food is bought & prepped, bathrooms are still dirty. LOL

Have a good day!

Super busy, super behind

Still running behind schedule. Le sigh. Oh well, my bathrooms will be dirty for another week. Fiddle dee dee.

Down 0.8 pounds this week. So, headed in the right direction.

Have a good weekend!

Crazy week

T is nearing the end of his training period. This week he is working 3rd shift - that won't be a regular thing but part of his training is to work a few days on each shift so he's familiar with everything. between that, being out Monday, a most of the day training at work, and having to turn in my laptop for some upgrades, this week has just been bananas. I'm tired, cranky, stretched too thin, and just generally feel like I have too much on my plate and not enough of me.

It hasn't been the greatest week, but it will end, things will normalize, and nothing really bad is going on. I just need to keep reminding myself of that!!

Take care.

New diet, cannot recommend

So I got food poisoning Sunday. That pretty much took the bulk of the day as well as Monday. I only threw up once, sadly I probably would have felt better had I thrown up sooner and more thoroughly.

In any case, I am in the office today. I am feeling better, but still sticking to fairly bland food and taking (yet another) day off from exercise.

Gah.

Safe arrival

Got to mom's at 8:15 last night - so before it got dark. Yay! Came through a bit of rain, but not bad. I considered bringing my scale with me, then decided that was ridiculous. I weighed yesterday and recorded that in the "Official Friday" slot - down 0.3 pounds for the week. Yeah, sometimes that's how it goes.

I packed a turkey & cheese (with a slice of bacon!) on Ezekiel bread for dinner last night. I was wanting something sweet when I got here and ended up having a muscle milk light for "dessert." This morning's breakfast was 2 eggs with 1/4 of an everything bagel, 1/4 of an avocado, a medium tomato, and 3 strawberries. I thoroughly enjoyed it!!

I hope you have a good weekend!

Same thing, different POV

If you don't read Sean Anderson's blog, I highly encourage it.  He spends a lot of time talking about the mental aspects of losing and keeping off weight.

Sean talks about not letting his "life streams" cross - so if there is a stressful situation in his life, not allowing it to affect his eating. I approach that from a slightly different angle.

First of all, there are some events in life you simply cannot control - they are going to happen. People say 'you can control your response' - well yeah, to some extent. It's easy to let something like getting cut off in traffic roll off your back (at least for me), but what if your spouse were diagnosed with an illness or you lost your job? There are certainly things you can do to help mitigate falling into a pit of stress, but let's face it: those things are stressful!

Having said that, I take a 2 pronged approach to life's stresses, with the first being: controlling my reactions. Easier said than done at times, but I've made good inroads on not letting life's ups and downs control my food intake. I have found that for me, it's far easier to work on handling the stress than prong #2: controlling my emotional eating.

Sean talks about #2 a lot, but I think really you have to work on both.

I had a good workout at the gym last night - I did double snatches for the first time! I typically do one arm snatches. So go me!

I am heading down to the beach right after work. :-)  My plan is to pack my dinner rather than buying something on the road. I am doing really well with recording my food & exercise to share with the trainer.

Take care.

You never know when it'll click for you

I've written before about the fact that my experience has been a bit different. So many times when you read  a weight loss story (or a blog about losing weight), the person will say they were "always the chubby one", or words to that effect. Because that wasn't true for me, I guess it's given me a different perspective - and different set of luggage to work through. :-)

Like most women, I've spent the vast majority of my adult life wanting to "lose a few pounds". Maybe 10 or so? My mom always did, my grandma always did - I don't know that I really ever knew a woman who was happy with her weight or body.

But the reality is that I was always a healthy weight until I got pregnant, and afterward I lost weight (using Weight Watchers) and kept it off for several years. It wasn't until a combination of events when my son was 5 that I began to really become overweight: starting a new job and dating my now ex husband.

I have an Excel spreadsheet where I record my weight on Fridays. There are long stretches of time when there is no number recorded, but the first recorded weight is dated October 2001. (The weight is 178). I've been at this 18 years. I started this blog 15 years ago!

So:

I started at 178, lost down to the 150s, and stayed there for 7 months.
I popped up for a month into the 160s, then
back down to the 150s for 32 months before
going back to the 160s, where I stayed for 9 months.
Then there's a long 3 month period with no record, before
I resurface at 180. Other than a couple of weeks, it's 19 months before
I move back to the 170s in March of 2009.
For a year or so I'm pretty solid in the 170s with a flirt here and there in the high 160s.
End of April 2010 I hit 180s again.
I languish in the 180s for 8 months, but I turn it around and begin moving back into the high 170s.

January of 2011 they announce our center is closing. I am forced to move if I want to keep my job. That's the first time my husband threatened to leave (Why didn't I let him go!??!?!?). And then I gave up.

Jan 7, 2011 - 178.6 No weight recorded until
April 1, 2011 188
June 3 I hit the 190s for the first time since being pregnant.
November 2011 I begin to turn it around and go back into the 180s.
April 2012 I see the 170s again!
October 2012 I see 180s again.
Feb 2013 back to the 190s.
Dec 27, 2013 I cross into 200+ territory for the first time in my life and except for a couple of dips, I stay there until
November 2014 I make it back below 200.

At that point I'm back in NC, working, and feeling pretty good about things. Not great (I was swimming in the river of denial for sure), but being back here was so much better.

I'm moving downward slowly, then my husband and I split in March 2015.

Between March 6 and August 2016 there are 8 weeks I recorded a weight, but by November 2015 I'm back above 200.

12/15 I cross 210 for the first time.
12/17 I cross 220.
1/12/18 I hit my all time high weight - 222.

So, what happens next?

By the Friday after my 52nd birthday (4/20/18) I was down 9.4 pounds - to 212.6. So I was losing maybe 3 pounds a month. But I was beginning to feel like I could do this and I decided that this time there was no quitting, no "dieting" my way back up and down the scale. I might have setbacks, I might stall, but I was going to keep moving forward. I have had setbacks and I have had stalls, but today I weigh 68 pounds less than I did on that all time high day.

What changed? How did a perimenopausal woman in her 50s lose weight? I think there are a couple of things that were different this time.

• Surviving the divorce. For one I felt safe in my relationship, but (maybe more importantly) I decided that I was not going to allow my reactions to someone elses emotions dictate my relationship with food. I was going to be the one controlling me. My marriage isn't perfect, my job, my life, my family - all imperfect. And sometimes I DO eat my feelings. But I don't do it regularly. And I strive to keep my life in a place where I don't feel the need to stuff down feelings.

• Something that I alluded to back at the beginning I think maybe gave me an edge. I had been a soldier, I had been an athletic civilian, I knew how people treated and related to me at a "normal" weight. So I knew what to expect - both good and bad. That helped me prepare for the bad (unwanted attention) and anticipate the good (the awesome feeling of being physically fit).

Yeah, I wish I'd been able to do this sooner. I regret spending a decade and a half overweight - a lot of it really overweight. OTOH, I am also deeply grateful that I was able to make the change and not simply continue on the upward glide path.

All of this is a long way to say: Don't give up. Never give up. Look at all those fits and starts, those years of struggle. Do what you can to build the foundation of readiness and keep trying until it clicks for you.

I wish you all the best of health.

Lovely day

It is sunny and 72 here - no wonder no one was at the gym at lunch! LOL

I went to the kettlebell gym last night, then went home, had a nice supper, took a bath, then watched some TV with my husband. it was lovely. :-)

Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical at lunch (which I also did yesterday), but no gym tonight. Tonight I'm going home to walk dogs and work on a sewing project.

Food is going well, exercise is going well, and weight is slowly moving downward. It feels like it will be forever before I get out of the 150s - it is SUCH a big milestone for me, for so many reasons. And it feels attainable!!!!  I am so determined to see it that the desire does make it easier to stay on course when I am tempted.

Sunday we are going out for dinner - a family celebration with T's family. We are going to a very good Japanese steakhouse. My plan is to 1. ignore the noodles 2. order extra vegetables 3. eat half the protein and veg 4. eat 1/4 c rice 5. take the rest home.

Have a good day!

Good weekend

T is finally starting to feel better about his new job - for a while last week he was feeling really overwhelmed. You know that feeling when you are learning something new and you're in the middle of it and you feel like you aren't getting anywhere? Then all of a sudden the skies part and you feel like you are farther along than you thought? Yeah, that happened.

Friday we went out to eat at a Japanese place - I had most of a sushi roll, a couple of pieces of T's tempura, half my hibachi (but just a couple bites of the rice), and 2 glasses of wine. So my weight was up a pound - totally not surprised.

Saturday I went to the gym and here is what I did:

I am sore from all the squats, but it's all good! Saturday was loads of errands all in different locations, so I put a lot of miles on my car. By the time I got home at 3:15 I was DONE.

Sunday I bought groceries and went to church to help out with lunch - it was so nice to be back there. The afternoon was mostly food prep for the week. I've been writing down my food and some Fitbit stats to share with the trainer at the gym. I've enjoyed keeping a paper journal! Who knew??

Anyway, here's another shot of my hydrangea:

My azaleas are in terrible shape (I think we are going to just pull them out) and I don't have any gardenias (may favorite), so I console myself with this very gorgeous hydrangea - my 2nd favorite shrub.

Have a good day!