Week in review

All in all, I have seen a lot of improvement this week. There have been times when I’ve been short tempered, but I have had a lot more motivation to do stuff in the evening, rather than just sitting. Last night I got out and took a walk! Eating has been better and I haven’t felt the need to comfort myself with food in the evenings.

I’ll be home putzing about the house this weekend. Hub is going to help me run the errands so I don’t feel overwhelmed by that.

All in all, things are going well.

Better choice?

I have been busting my behind an a presentation for my boss all day. By 3 I was pooped and totally craving a giant pretzel from the cafeteria. Instead I got a slice of sourdough with a light sprinkling of cheese. I figure that’s gotta be better than a huge dump of processed flour.

Things continue to improve. I did have an issue last night. I made my snack (my calories are portioned so I get a small snack after dinner), then sat down to eat it. The dip was totally mediocre. So what did I do? I ate it anyway, then sat there pissed off for an hour because I was denied a good snack! Why didn’t I just throw it away!?!? Which is what I did with the rest of the container when my husband said he didn’t like it either. I finally got up and fixed myself another snack! So, I had 2 snacks instead of one. It was like I gave myself a “do over”, unfortunately that didn’t negate the calories from snack one! Ugh!

Oh well, work in progress I guess.

Improvement

So, things here are getting better. I have more energy, I’ve been able to get up and walk in the mornings, my eating has improved… all in all I am feeling better.

The painful thing is to face the 20 pounds on top of the 15 I had gained. Ugh. I feel crappy. That weight is definitely affecting me, but I haven’t had the ability to take action. I am hoping that this is the moment that changes because, honestly? I’m tired of my body feeling like 5 pounds of poo shoved into a 3 pound bag.

Friday is the boy’s last day of school and then he is heading to the beach with his grandpa. Hurray!!! I plan to cook exactly 2 dinners next week, which the hub and I will eat off of all week. One will be chili – how easy is that? Without having to cook dinner every night, I will be free to go to the gym in the afternoon, maybe hit a spinning class if I’m in the mood, work on some of my craft projects… you get the idea.

I haven’t quite gotten everything on track, but things are heading in the right direction, which feels awesome. I can’t believe the difference a week makes.

No, I haven't abandoned this blog

Hi everyone (if I have any readers left!). Sorry I've been away so long. I've been dealing with some stuff - I am entering prei-menopause. Unfortunately, one of the side effects I am suffering is depression. I knew that, but I couldn't seem to marshal the inner resources to actually do anything about it. My husband basically ordered me to the doctor, which was a good thing. She put me back on the Welbutrin I was on 2.5 years ago. That time there were external reasons for my emotions, this time it is strictly an internal chemical situation. But Welbutrin worked well for me then, and it seems to be working well again this time. And now I am on a 24 hour pill versus 2 12 hour pills, so that is simpler.

Things had gotten pretty bad - I was using food (and beer) to self medicate, I'd stopped exercising, and my performance at work was suffering. Luckily, I was able to get help before there were any serious reprucussions - yeah, I slacked off at work for a bit, but I was still doing okay. I gained a few pounds and my fitness level declined, but that's alright - I am now in a frame of mind where I can deal with those things.

It's been a particularly rough couple of weeks, but it feels so good to be pulling out of that. This past weekend was my wedding anniversary - there are times my husband gets on my last nerve, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. This has shown me once again he truly meant that whole "for better or for worse" bit.

Anyway, I hope you understand why I wasn't comfortable posting this from my office computer! I may post from home more often so I can record here more of what is going on with this. Depression can have some of the same stigma as being overweight - it's seen (by some) as some sort of personal weakness or failure. The ironic thing is that I am highly successful in so many areas of my life that nothing could be farther from the truth! That's like saying that menopause is a character flaw - completely illogical. :-)

I started the medicine this past Saturday - I'm sure there may be some relief just from knowing that I'm not dealing with this burden alone. So many nights I sat in the living room with my husband thinking, "Can't he see something is wrong with me?!?!" And yet I couldn't open my mouth. I think it was sheer desperation that made me finally say something - and then just enough to get him to force me to act. But I'm glad I did.

This is my son's final week of school and then my schedule lightens up a bit (thank you retired grandparents!). So hopefully I will have a couple of months to recover, rest up a bit, and relax. I've already found I have a lot more energy and a desire to actually work on craft projects, as opposed to sitting in my chair like a lump.

It feels good to be getting back to the "old" me.

Earning her keep

Jordan (our terrier mix, or as my friend says, “Jack Russell terrorist”) certainly earned her keep last night. My son was in the back yard when Jordan started going nuts. Butchie went over and starting barking as well. Turns out she had found a copperhead! No one was hurt and my husband killed it, but that could’ve been bad. It was big enough it would’ve killed either of the little dogs and my son would’ve been rushed to the hospital. I’m glad she was on watch!

The good weather continues. I got up and walked both mornings this weekend – it was so nice. I had a bad headache yesterday morning, so I slept in. This morning I got up but had some cooking to do, hopefully I’ll be able to walk this evening.

Food continues to have its ups and downs. Mostly good, although I had a binge incident on Sunday evening after doing really well all weekend. Ugh.

I’m trying to focus on my overall health and the benefits of improved eating, but I just can’t seem to get excited about it. I am still having my breakfast shake with lettuce/ spinach/ sprouts. That plus a salad at lunch gets me a long way in my veggie consumption. So while I am still eating some things that aren’t very healthy (I was tired the other night and made tuna helper with peas added, for example), I am getting in a good quantity of fruit & veg.

I still haven’t turned on my air conditioner. I love the way the house smells when the windows are oopen.

No whine weekend

I was in a much better mood this weekend. Visited a friend Saturday, went out for dinner with a group of friends, had company in on Sunday - and still managed to feel like I'd had a quiet weekend at home. Sweet!

I worked on several sewing projects, which I hadn't done in a while and thoroughly enjoyed. I didn't get all my cooking done though. :-( Oh well!

I walked 2 miles both days and overall ate pretty well. the really nice things my weekends are relatively uncommitted for a good long stretch, so I am really looking forward to just putzing around the house and working on different things with my husband!

Would Miss Crankypants please leave the building?

I don’t know why I’ve been so cranky lately. (Well, part of it is hormonal I’m sure.) Anyway, I’m tired of feeling … dissatisfied with everything. There’s no logical reason for it, so it’s really just annoying!

I’m glad it’s Friday. My house is shaping up nicely and spring cleaning is down to dribs and drabs. Hub has to work tomorrow, so the garage and the railing for the deck remain unfinished. He was out Monday when his back was hurting, so it’s nice that he’ll be able to make up the time.

The boy is over at my mom’s – she is having a yard sale tomorrow and he is helping out. I have my shopping list done, but I can’t say I’m very excited about my planned lunch.

That’s about all I know – have a great weekend!

Blah de blah

The boy wasn’t feeling well yesterday and mom had to take my grandma to the doctor, so I ended up staying home yesterday. I didn’t work from home or anything, I just puttered around the house. I did get a lot of stuff done.
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I have been feeling really down lately. Frustrated about my weight, feeling like I’m not very good at any of the roles I occupy (wife, mother, employee), feeling like I am going through my life on cruise control instead of getting the most of out it.

Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis. Thank goodness I married a wonderful guy who can actually deal with my craziness!
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Spring is lasting a long time this year. Some years we seem to skip from winter straight to summer with barely a nod to spring. This year it seems to have pulled up a chair to stay a while. I still haven’t turned on my AC. I'm hoping that the various energy saving measures we’ve incorporated will mean a lower energy bill. Of course, will the price of electricity go up with the price of oil?
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My eating has been bad. Really bad. I am hoping this group I've set up with a couple of girlfriends here at work will help – we have our first meeting tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Yellow alert

Yesterday I got home form work and started mowing the front yard. The boy finished up while I made a really excellent vegan Mexican casserole for dinner. After supper I read a bit then took a walk. I had a healthy snack before I went to bed.

This morning I had a good sized, really satisfying breakfast which contained (I’m guessing) 2.5 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit.

At this moment, my body is screaming “Yellow alert!” The café stops serving breakfast in a few minutes and I am obsessed with going in there and getting some fried potatoes.

I’m not hungry. It’s like I’m panicking because I need to eat some unhealthy food. Or what? Why do I feel this way?

A step in the right direction

I’ve been feeling very apathetic about my weight and health overall. Part of my brain is yelling, “Stop! This is important! You must _____!” And once I hear “must”, I tune out. Part of the issue has been my overall feeling of “blah”.

Today I spoke with a collegue who is also struggling to get “back with it.” She spoke of a third person in our group who is in the same place. The three of us spoke and we are going to have our own mini “Weight Watchers” type meeting – we can set our own goals (exercise, vegetables, whatever) and then be accountable to each other. Small enough to be personal and private, but will hopefully provide that extra bit of accountability we all seem to need.

It was an okay weekend – some good, some not so good. I think my own frame of mind had more to do with it than anything else.

Not a banner week

This has been a sad week in the blogosphere, with several of my regular blog “friends” coping with loss. Running Jack lost his sister-in-law, Jack Sprat’s good friend Richard is at home for his “final hours”, and Fat Cyclist received the worst news about his wife’s struggle with cancer. I have been feeling down and out of sorts – it makes my heart heavy to see folks I’ve been following and reading about for so long facing such tough times.

Last night we had at least 1 tornado come through – thankfully only 1 death was reported, along with several injuries and loads of damage. Our power was out for a while, but that was it. A co-worker who lives a mile or so from me had her boat destroyed in her driveway, planes were knocked off the runways, and some tractor trailers were overturned on the highway when a tornado touched down on the interstate.

Even more awful although more abstract is the situation in Myanmar. I told my mom last night, as much as I gripe about politics and all, I am certainly glad we live where we do in the world. As I sit in my suburban home concerned about the economy, I feel like I shouldn’t gripe about my weight or my poor food choices or gas prices when these people are facing a situation I cannot even comprehend.

What can I do? Send my sympathy in comments. Send some money – but it doesn’t sound like aid will even get to those poor unfortunate souls. I feel helpless in the face of human tragedy, and yet I feel unsure whether I even have the “right” to feel that way – I mean, my family and I are perfectly safe!

I think I was feeling down to begin with (my emotions tend to be cyclical) and these situations have intensified those feelings of sadness and helplessness. And yet I feel selfish for even complaining about my feelings!

Sorry I don’t have a more positive post.

There is a possibility for more severe weather Sunday – I hope we are able to take my mom out for breakfast.

I hope you all have a safe weekend.

Just stuff

I worked from home yesterday so I could wait for the exterminator. It worked out well because 1) I was able to got vote at a time when there was no line and 2) I used my commute time to get some stuff done around the house.

Who knew NC would make such a difference in the democratic primary? Little ole us?

The spring cleaning bug has hit me hard this year. That, coupled with the fact that my mom is having a yard sale! I have cleaned out the linen closet, cleaned out the guest room, organized the drawers in my bathroom, filed my recipes...

The garage "situation" (everything had to be moved away from the walls so that the exterminator could treat for termites) is the perfect excuse to use the rainy weather this weekend to get out and give IT an overhaul. I love spring cleaning. I am an organizational freak and the anti-pack rat. :-)

We are staying home quite a bit this spring, which is both good and bad. The good is that we are getting caught up on tasks around the house that were left undone a long time. That makes me a much more relaxed person. I do miss seeing friends though. Some good friends of ours are coming later in the month for a weekend. It also stinks that we aren’t doing anything special for our anniversary. Maybe we’ll go out for dinner or something, but no weekend getaway or anything.

One thing to know about me

So, here's the thing. The boy's teachers for the past 2 years have has a web site for the kids to check their homework. Last week he'd forgotten to check the board, so he checked the internet. It said check with Ms. C (one of his teachers), so he did, and she said there was no homework. So the next day Ms. L has a cow because over half the class hasn't done the homework! She told them they had to write 200 sentences or they'd get a zero. I sent her a note saying I thought that was a bit much since he had checked the internet and with the other teacher. So, she calls me and sayd that she doesn't update the web site, the other teacher doesn't know what her homework is, that "all the other parents went along" and that he was "hiding behind me as a means of being lazy." She went on from there. If you know me at all, you have a pretty good idea what I had to say to her.

I told the boy I thought she was wrong, and that he didn't have to do the sentences if he didn't want to. But that if he chose to ignore what she said, he would likely be getting a zero on the assignment and that she might make trouble for him until the end of the year. I left the choice up to him.

My great grandfather was probably the most talented person I have ever known. He held multiple engineering degrees, he was a talented artist in many mediums, he volunteered regularly in his community. Back in the day, he was a young man with a very promising (and lucrative) engineering career. He had a lovely wife and 3 beautiful daughters. He uprooted them, took them to a country where they couldn't speak a word of the language and the citizens were hostile, then he quickly moved them to yet another country where they didn't know that language. (After the state department came out to their house and immediately granted them citizenship.) They left behind their family, their possessions, their place in society.

Pop left Germany in 1937 and came to America where he went to work for the state department, telling them everything he knew about the German re-armament program. Which was a LOT. He gave up everything he had, and potentially compromised the safety of his family, to do what he knew was right.

I don't consider myself brave, although I do know that I can be pretty glib under pressure. I am not outgoing. But never tell me to fall in line becuase everyone else has. If I think you are wrong I will tell you. If I am the only person who feels that way, that fact in no way negates my feelings. That what this teacher told me to do. That woman has no clue what that metality awakens in my heart. I will never do what I feel to be wrong just because "everyone else agrees with me". Never. To do so would negate every lesson Pop taught me.

Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal. It's just a child's homework assignment. But I simply cannot abide any person, under any circumstances, asking me to ignore my own personal feelings and to simply go along because everyone else has.

I'm so glad I decied to take him out of that school next year.

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To answer a question in the comments: All Star Trek. They came out with these compilations based on the enemy. There is a Klingon collection, a Romulan, a Borg etc. They contain episodes from all the Star Trek series. So it starts with Enterprise and goes through Voyager. It's a cool way of looking at the evolution of an enemy. I must say the Klingons in the original ST are so cheesy as to hurt my heart a little, even when the episoides are good.

Didn't get everything done this weekend (but I got a lot done!) AND I ate too much. Had an inpromptu party for a friend last night - long story short, crazy ex out of prison is back. She has reason to be concerned. But I was able to make her laugh for a while and relax, so who cares if I had cheesecake and beer. Sue me!

Keeping it in perspective

I read a blog called “Fat cyclist”: http://www.fatcyclist.com/ I found it via a funny “fake news story” over on the Cycling news web site while following the Tour a few years ago. Yesterday, Fatty (his term) found out that in addition to his wife’s cancer coming back, she has brain tumors. Many tumors.

As poopy as my week has been, that reminded me that there are things in life that no money or fame or beauty or success can protect you from. And that termites and braces and a budget that makes even the nickels scream are not fun, but they are things I can manage and fix.

My husband made dinner last night (tuna helper and I had a vegan tv dinner) and we had a couple of beers (a big splurge these days) and watched klingon episodes of Star Trek. I am taking 2 hours off today to run a few errands to make the weekend a bit more relaxed. I want to accomplish quite a bit around the house, and I really need a pair of black sandals for work.

The weather is going to be nice, maybe some scattered rain tomorrow, but Mr. Husband is just gonna have to deal because that deck needs to be done already!

Have a great weekend. Hugs your kids, love your spouse, rub the dog. Life is good.