Good conversation

 Lots of good conversations have happened in my world this week. Here's a (somewhat) brief rundown:

My husband was diagnosed with bi polar 20+ years ago. At the time the medication options weren't that great - what he took ended up leaving him feel like a zombie so he didn't continue and has been hesitant to try anything since then. His doctor does have him on an anti depressant, but that can actually make his manic episodes worse. Add to that his manic episodes manifest as 1) anger 2) risky behavior, and you have a whole bunch of stuff that has factored into the marriage issues we've been experiencing for 15-16 months now. 

As a condition of our continuing to work on things, I told him he needed to go to individual counseling. He did and she is the one that pointed a lot of the above out and told him to get to a psychiatrist to see about getting his medications right. Getting to see a psychiatrist right now is TOUGH, but he does have an appointment for September. So today I am grateful that my husband has FINALLY seen the light (albeit under a bit of duress) and is seeking both counseling for his own issues as well as being open to pharmaceutical assistance that is much needed.

I spoke with my counselor today. We talked about T and my work situation. We discussed the fact that coming out of a toxic work environment isn't magically healed overnight, but I am finally beginning to feel a bit more normal about things. Work is going well and I am trying and learning and I am feeling hopeful that this will be a good place for me. That in turn leaves me in a place where I can work on creating the kind of life I want for myself.

I'm not 100% sure what that looks like. I do know that I want to spend more time outdoors. I want to go camping and hiking and kayaking. T is looking to possibly getting a 9-5 Monday - Friday job, which would give us time to do some of that stuff together. Whether that works out or not, I'm looking at what I can do in the near term. I've spent too many years treating my wants and needs like a can I keep kicking down the road.

I am also reading some great books. While they are about alcohol, the lessons can be applied to anything you over use/ abuse - food, shopping, internet, whatever. I just finished "Sober Curious" and I just started "This Naked Mind" - both written by women, both about empowering you to make healthy choices for yourself v. saying you are "powerless" over (insert addiction here). That paradigm makes a lot more sense to me.

One powerful thought "addiction is the opposite of being present". Wow. How long have I spent trying to NOT be present in my own life? What would it look like if I lived with intention, where my actions and choices aligned with my values and desires?

Accountability

 I took a vacation from the scale and gained 19 pounds. Even if I watch it go up, I am going back to daily weigh ins. I need the accountability.

I've gotten up early the past 2 mornings and gone out and sat in the hot tub by myself. It may not be as great for my physical health as yoga or kettlebells, but I'm hoping it will help my mental health.

I need to figure out how to create a life for myself that I don't need to use food to escape from.

Lunchtime meet up

 I met my former boss (B) for lunch today. 

I can't remember/find how much of this I posted, so I am including a quick synopsis for background. 

October 2019: My beloved boss that hired me in May 2017 (R), took me to lunch and told me he was resigning. Changes were happening and he didn't like the writing on the wall. He couldn't in good conscience continue to stay in a management position when he disagreed with the corporate direction.

Three members of the team posted for his job and B got it. R left December 31, 2019. I was conflicted and that's when I began casually looking around at jobs. But I liked B, thought she would do a good job, and wanted to support her. I stayed, the pandemic happened, and that accelerated the rapid decline into dumpster fire-dom that was my last company/job.

At some point B was moved into a job where she had no experience and was given no support. I was the only member of the team that stayed on her new team. Enter our 4th CEO in 2 years. He began ousting the existing executive team and bringing in buddies he'd worked with before. At the beginning of April the IT department got a new CIO (chief information officer). Seven or eight weeks ago B told me that CIO was bringing in a buddy to take her job and she was being moved somewhere else. I took vacation, got my current job, and my first meeting with my "new" boss at the old company was also my last as I sent in my resignation letter 30 minutes later. 

As for finding a new role for B? Well, that ultimately turned out to be BS - the Friday I was up in Syracuse she let me know that her position had been "eliminated". Well, never mind it was given to someone else (with a slightly different title) and the job she had actually been doing was not eliminated - they just wanted to get rid of her the way they had so many VPs & up from the "old regime".  She had been with the company over 16 years and was both blindsided and devastated.

Today we met for lunch - 10 or 11 days after the fact. She's still pretty upset but given the tremendous stress she had been under - a new job where she had no clue and no support - I think she is beginning to feel better about things. She is looking, although she's not 100% sure what she wants to do at this point.

In any case, it was good to see her.

Mr husband had an appointment with a counselor today. I think that went well and will be helpful. He is considering switching careers (again). I'm all for what makes him happy.

Weight is a hot mess. Eating is better - most of the time. 

Baby steps.

So far so good

 No exercise other than dog walking (for now), but food is under MUCH better control.

Thank goodness for the dog

 One thing that is helping (a lot) right now is the dog. It's hot and I'm tired and my back hurts, but Pepper wants to walk! We're only doing maybe 3 a day, and I'm trying to stay away from the hottest part of the day. 

Alcohol is voted back off the island (too many empty calories and it brings too many crappy snack friends along with it). I'm not measuring, counting, or anything - I'm just focused on eating reasonable food in reasonable amounts at reasonable times. 

It's a start.

Start where you are

 I have gained 19.1 pounds in 2 months. I (finally) faced the scale today. I weigh 197.4. Work is great, my trip was good, and now it's time to get back to reality.

Ugh.

Confidence

 I am very excited to go up to Syracuse and meet my new team. Having said that, I'm very self conscious about my weight. :-(

I went to Goodwill and bought 20 items of clothing - mostly for the trip. I have a couple of dresses ($5) each, as well as nice tops, slacks, and some jeans ($4 each). I plan to take a bit of a variety of items, but I know that folks do wear jeans in the office, so I feel okay taking a bit of a variety. 

Unfortunately I will not be able to use the YMCA while I am there - due to covid they aren't allowing reciprocity from other Ys outside the area. There is a small fitness center in the hotel at least, and of course I can do stretch of yoga videos on youtube.

I wish I could sound more positive - I have a great new job that I am excited about and I've been learning tons and the company is AMAZING. And I'm so glad I left the dumpster fire that was my last company. And I'm looking forward to T having his second surgery so we can put all of his knee troubles behind us.

I want to live my best life and I'm limiting myself. Why?

Sorry for ghosting....

 Good morning.

We made a quick run up to western PA to check on the camping gear our group has stored up there. It's been sitting untouched for 2 years now in our storage trailer. Everything was in surprisingly good shape! Since we won't be using it until next year, I'm glad we went up.

Sunday I am leaving for a week up in Syracuse for work. Then on the 21st T is having surgery. So all in all things around here are pretty crazy.

Food has been rubbish and exercise has been non existent except for walking the dog (thank goodness for the dog!). I'm pretty unhappy with all of that. I keep telling myself that once we get past the 2 weeks out from his surgery life will get a bit easier. We have joined the Y - both for the pool and the group classes. Food is getting better. 

I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to wear. :-(