Retreat

I am struggling right now.

We have decided to make some pretty drastic changes in our lives in the course of the not too distant future.  Exciting, good stuff, but BIG changes.  And that's scary.

Right now a big part of me wants to continue to rely on my old coping mechanisms and I am bargaining with myself "We'll just rely on food for now.  Once ____ has changed, we'll stop."  Right.  So I have had a couple of over eating episodes and I have my nose stuck in a book pretty much all the time.  The book is a preferable retreat, but its still a way of disconnecting from what is going on in my life.

So that's where I am.

I really didn't want to go work out today.  I was hoping Jeff would be there to help motivate me.  But he wasn't so I went and worked out on my own.  But I did it at least!

Anyway, things aren't going along great right now. 

One thing I am working on as part of going to OA is wrapping my head around the idea that for some people, overeating is a disease, like alcoholism or anorexia.  People overeat for lots of reasons and operate along some sort of scale - some have a slight issue easily overcome and for others, its a lot more difficult.

I am trying to view this as an issue that I can overcome but stop the feelings of shame and guilt because those simply perpetuate the problem.

As always, its a process.  And now that I am really focused on addressing the issue, my self defenses are working overtime to talk myself out of changing.  In some ways it was easier when I was ignoring it and just going along, but that doesn't work long term.

Kettlebells etc.

I’ve been reading Tracy Reifkind’s blog for many years and I love how she took a very simple (yet powerful!) move in the kettlebell swing, and essentially built a new way of conditioning based upon it. Tracy says the single most important goal you can set for yourself (with kettlebells) is to build a practice of 20-30 minutes, 2-3 days per week of equal work to rest.

I have several of Tracy’s videos, including one (“Give and Take”) that is simply a workout. It is 3 rotations of ladders, with a front half and a back half to each work set. Right now I am only doing the front side of each work set. With this workout, that means I am doing 463 swings in about 35 minutes (including a short warm-up). When I build up to equal work to equal rest, I will be doing 615 swings in that same 35 minutes.

My goal between now and the end of the year is to build up to equal work to rest – the 615 swings. I have devised a way of inching up the ladders to achieve this. There are 3 work rotations: first I’ll add the back half to the first one, then half the second one (even numbers), then half the third, then all the second, and finally all the third.

It sounds kind of convoluted – but this is away to build up gradually. By the end of the year, I will have an equal work to rest kettlebell practice of 35 minutes, 3 days per week. I really love kettlebells – they are a great way to build strength while doing a HIIT workout. I feel like I’m getting double benefit from my workout time.

I know I haven't posted a lot about Overeaters Anonymous.  Honestly I'm trying to wrap my head around it - its a LOT of information.  I will say I find it a bit of a relief - I know I have issues with food and it is nice to be in a group of folks who GET IT, and are working toward a better relationship with food without judgement.

Progress

So, I lost 2 pounds Monday to Monday, not too bad.  I have laid out a kettlebell plan for myself to get to the end of the year which should keep me busy!

Anyway, things are going along.

Something new

I went to an OA meeting last night.  Because trying various diets hasn't addressed the root cause and I'm not sure I can do it on my own.  It went well and I definitely plan to go back.

It’s all unicorns and rainbows from now on!

Weight: Down 1.2 pounds (not weighing every day right now).

Plan for today:

Breakfast: meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: baked pork chops, sautéed brussel sprouts, corn on the cob

Exercise: kettlebells

After I wrote my last post, I didn’t mean to imply that now, everything is magically solved and perfect and shiny. For some people, they seem to be able to resolve that they eat too much and do something about it, end of story. They don’t feel the need to examine too deeply why they eat too much. Or maybe they do but choose not to share it. Either way is okay but lack of understanding hasn’t worked for me.

I lost over 30 pounds, kept it off for years, and still managed to gain it back when too much stress was piled on. To me, it’s kinda like a crying baby: they cry, you go pick them up. Sometimes that’s enough – they stop crying. Other times not so much and you begin the “mommy checklist”: are they: wet, hungry, cold, hot, etc etc? You find the root cause: wet diaper. Great and that’s what I finally did – I found the root cause of the void I tried to fill with food. But now I have to take the next step: change the diaper. Identifying a problem is not the same as solving it.

Having said that, as adults, I think knowing what the problem is gets us down the path of resolution. To use another lame analogy: if you have a flat tire on the side of the road in the middle of a dark, rainy night, don’t you feel better if you know AAA is on the way? Why though? Nothing has changed about your situation! Except now you know help is on the way and that’s enough to give you comfort and reduce your uncertainty.

That’s how I feel now. I know the issue so I can stop casting about trying to fill that void with random stuff and fill it with what is supposed to be there. I have something I am working toward and I am now longer making excuses for why I “can’t” make the changes I want. I am going for it even if that doesn’t necessarily conform with society’s idea of what is logical. I can’t fix it today or even this month – but as adults we’ve gotten accustomed (one would hope) to the idea that true gratification is not instant.

It’s been a long week.

Epiphany

I got hit by a slow moving epiphany this morning. I say slow moving because its wasn’t like being struck by lightning or the heavens parting and a ray of light shining down on me, it was more like watching a flower bloom. It began to form and then gradually open up to its fullness.

I’ve felt vaguely discontented for years. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy with my family, my marriage – the fundamentals of my life are good. Which is part of the reason I think I’ve always felt guilty for feeling discontented. Well, either guilty or just plain wrong. “Why should I be unhappy?” I’d think, “I’ve got a great family, a good marriage, a good job…” So I would invalidate my feelings, which would lead to a lot of inner turmoil.

Over the years I’ve tried loads of things, eating, exercising, doing triathlons and marathons, camping, veganism – all sorts of things to try to fill the void I’ve felt but tried to deny. Then this morning it came to me: I’m not unhappy with my life, I’m unhappy with my lifestyle. Notice how many things on the above list involve lifestyle changes? The problem is, they weren’t sufficient.

Life v. life style isn’t just semantics – to me at least they mean very different things. Life is the fundamentals: family, religion, self. Life style is how you live your life: how you earn your living, what you do with your extra income and time.

Have you ever thought that our “comfort zone” rarely is? “This "comfort" zone is rarely comfortable, but it's very familiar. It's what we've always known. Any change from what we've always known creates anxiety--and anxiety sucks. To avoid this feeling, it's easier to revert back into old habits and behaviors. Even though it's a place we might not like, we do it because it's familiar---we know what to expect. The fear of the unknown is a horrible beast.”

Maybe it’s because I’m at an age where the years ahead are probably not more than the years behind, but when I think of living in a way that feels unhappy – for years – for what? A little extra money? To avoid risk? My five year plan is now more like a one year plan. Scary, but its such a freeing feeling to understand why I’ve felt the way I do.  Kowing the root cause makes things feel easier.

Saturday

Weight: down 0.8 pounds from yesterday.


Plan for today:

Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: ?

Exercise: probably just some swimming

Friday and the meat parade

Weight: Up 1.8 pounds from yesterday.

Plan for today:

Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: roasted chicken in the crock pot, quinoa, roasted brussel sprouts

Exercise: kettlebells and yoga (yes, I know I’m not supposed to do kettlebells 2 days in a row. I paid, believe me)

Dinner last night was good, but I’ve now had the experience and don’t feel the need to go to a Brazilian steak place again. The salad bar was excellent (lovely roasted veggies NOT slathered with oil), olives, heart of palm etc etc.

The meat was good. I am guessing I ate roughly 8 ounces of steak and 2 of lamb. The portions were small and I didn’t try everything by a long shot – only the things that sounded really good. And then we generally shared. Most portions were around the size of a piece of meat on a kebab. But that’s still double or more the amount of meat I would eat with a meal! Anyway, good food, nice atmosphere, crazy prices.

I told hub that I did not buy any sort of birthday cake of anything – I wasn’t sure if he would want anything since I know he is watching his weight as well. I offered to pick up a slice of cheesecake or something, but he said no. We went home and each had a hard cider and called it a night. (Party animals, that’s us!)

This weekend we are planning to get together with a couple of neighbors to watch some football. I plan to make baked chicken wings – that’s “football food” without being too off the rails. They aren’t of the food pushing or beer drinking variety, so we can enjoy the game without it being all about the snackies.

It’s been a tough day.

Thursday - dragging

Weight: Down 0.2 pounds from yesterday.

Plan for today:

Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: ? We are going to one of those Brazilian “meat buffet” restaurants for dinner.

Evening Snack: Uh, no.

Exercise: kettlebells and yoga, Insanity Cardio Power & Resistance

I went home yesterday and had a nap, then we got in the pool for a bit, which was wonderful! We had dinner and a colleague came over and ate with us. He needs a place to stay for a few months and is probably going to be moving in with us in January. I wanted him to meet the dogs and the husband. Things went well and while it’s a bit unusual, it will help him out A LOT and the extra cash will certainly help with my dental work.

After dinner we watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Who (I love Netflix – no commercials!). I was feeling restless and wanted …. Something. Luckily there was nothing junky in the house. Having to actually leave to go get junk helped me realize that it wasn’t worth it – effort or calorie-wise. So even though I’d planned a green drink, since I also made a fruit salad to go with dinner I didn’t have anything later.

Based on my coughing the night before, I decided to take some Nyquil before going to bed. I slept through the night (like a log), but I woke up this morning feeling a little tired & fuzzy around the edges. Gah. My cold is mostly gone but I have some lingering sniffles and cough that just won’t end. I can’t wait to feel better and have more energy!

Today the 1 pm group is doing Insanity, ugh.

Wednesday

Weight: Down 0.4 pounds from yesterday.


Plan for today:

Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: salmon, sweet potato, roasted green beans

Evening snack: green smoothie with fruit, spinach, and green powder

Exercise: P90X back, biceps, & abs, yoga video

Last night we ate, cleaned up, walked the dogs, watched a couple of Dr. Who episodes and ended with an episode of “My Name is Earl”. Then I read a few minutes and went to bed. We had a cup of coffee after dinner and I ended up awake until midnight. Sigh. Clearly I am not a person who can have caffeine in the evenings!

Tuesday

Weight: Down 1.4 pounds from yesterday.


Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: leftovers from the last 2 nights

Evening snack: a cup of coffee with alomd milk

Exercise: Insanity Plyometrics cardio circuit with the 1 pm gang

Last year we managed to get a season behind on Dr. Who. Since the new season has now started, we are getting last year from Netflix to catch up. We watched the first 2 episodes last night. They were good, but overall the latest cast hasn’t captured my heart the way the earlier new seasons have. I’m glad they brought the show back – it’s still some of the most entertaining sci-fi on television today. I guess I just miss the David Tenant Dr. – not to mention Captain Jack.

It started raining last night and basically has been raining ever since. It would have been a wonderful day to stay home wearing footie pjs and drinking hot tea except for the fact that it’s 90 outside, rain or no rain. The rain brought out the frogs last night. Thank goodness for child size ear plugs.

Monday

Weight: Today I went back to WW. I haven’t been avoiding it on purpose, but I attend an at work meeting and the reality is I spent a lot of August and September not in my office for one reason or another. I’ve been hopping on the scale periodically at home so I wasn’t shocked or anything to find out I have gained 4.5 pounds over the past 2 months.


That’s not huge, but its 4.5 pounds I now have to lose again. Back to tracking. Back to being accountable to myself. There has been so much going on since the beginning of August – some pretty major stressors, some pretty major decisions about how and where we intend to live our lives. We’ve both been expending such a huge amount of emotional energy (not to mention time) on BIG things, that little things (like making time for an evening walk) have slipped through the cracks. But the little habits can have a pretty big cumulative effect!

Thankfully I am realizing this now rather than later. I would hate to have undone all my efforts!

Breakfast: spinach meat loaf

Lunch: vegetable salad with chicken

Dinner: sautéed cabbage with chicken sausage and roasted green beans

Evening snack: green smoothie with fruit, spinach, and green powder

Exercise: Tracy Reifkind’s kettlebell swing dvd and a Rodney Yee yoga video

When I went to the gym, Jeff stopped in while I was swinging and asked me if I wanted to go to the gym around the corner to lift weights at lunch sometime.  The fitness center is nice, but it doesn't have heavy weights.  I told him that would be great!