Epiphany

I got hit by a slow moving epiphany this morning. I say slow moving because its wasn’t like being struck by lightning or the heavens parting and a ray of light shining down on me, it was more like watching a flower bloom. It began to form and then gradually open up to its fullness.

I’ve felt vaguely discontented for years. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy with my family, my marriage – the fundamentals of my life are good. Which is part of the reason I think I’ve always felt guilty for feeling discontented. Well, either guilty or just plain wrong. “Why should I be unhappy?” I’d think, “I’ve got a great family, a good marriage, a good job…” So I would invalidate my feelings, which would lead to a lot of inner turmoil.

Over the years I’ve tried loads of things, eating, exercising, doing triathlons and marathons, camping, veganism – all sorts of things to try to fill the void I’ve felt but tried to deny. Then this morning it came to me: I’m not unhappy with my life, I’m unhappy with my lifestyle. Notice how many things on the above list involve lifestyle changes? The problem is, they weren’t sufficient.

Life v. life style isn’t just semantics – to me at least they mean very different things. Life is the fundamentals: family, religion, self. Life style is how you live your life: how you earn your living, what you do with your extra income and time.

Have you ever thought that our “comfort zone” rarely is? “This "comfort" zone is rarely comfortable, but it's very familiar. It's what we've always known. Any change from what we've always known creates anxiety--and anxiety sucks. To avoid this feeling, it's easier to revert back into old habits and behaviors. Even though it's a place we might not like, we do it because it's familiar---we know what to expect. The fear of the unknown is a horrible beast.”

Maybe it’s because I’m at an age where the years ahead are probably not more than the years behind, but when I think of living in a way that feels unhappy – for years – for what? A little extra money? To avoid risk? My five year plan is now more like a one year plan. Scary, but its such a freeing feeling to understand why I’ve felt the way I do.  Kowing the root cause makes things feel easier.