Fail fast

This has been a super rough week emotionally. I have made poor choices, and have felt a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing over those choices. That is a terrible place to be. Instead to hiding those feelings, I have said them out loud. I have started fresh every day even if the day before was a shit show. I feel like a plane that's been on a trajectory toward the ground. The last 3 days I've begun to pull out of the dive. I can't say I've been wildly successful, but each day has seen some improvement. Right now that may be my definition of "wildly successful."

There is a difference between giving something time to work versus realizing it isn't working and doing something different. I tried to start tracking on SparkPeople and it felt like punishment. Instead of tracking half a day & giving up every day (or just plain giving up), I'm going back to my paper tracking. Right now I need the accountability - even if all I do is write down everything I eat. That will help me take a moment between the desire & the act of shoving something in my mouth.

Last night T wanted a milkshake and Susie and I rode in the car with him. I was afraid that if I were home alone I would binge while he was gone. Secret eating/ drinking - those are really scary behaviors. It's been a long time since I felt the need to eat or drink in secret. If that means I can't be in the house alone right now, then so be it.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourselves.

It is what it is

The good news is my husband is feeling better. But the doctor told him to stay home another week anyway and he ended up getting furloughed. So now we have to figure out benefits etc. What a mess. He is really depressed about it and we are both struggling emotionally. Well, it is what it is. All we can do is move forward, be grateful we live in a state where the governor has a lick of sense, and hope for the best.

Take care of yourselves.

Gah

Weight is up, husband is stuck home because he has a low grade fever (maybe flu, almost certainly nothing else). He isn't getting paid. Will he get to go back to work? My pay was cut, his pay was cut. This sucks, I'm stressed. Like everyone else.

Good grief!

I didn't mean to fall off the side of the planet! My birthday was fine. T is at home for 14 days of self isolation. We don't know if he will be furloughed or just not paid and get to go back or what. So that's pretty stressful. My work is very busy and of course focus is a challenge. Some days are good others are tougher - just like everyone else I suppose.

Anyway, that's all I got. Headed out for a walk.

Take care.

Random observations

I really miss my gym. It's been years since I've run outdoors, but I started a C25K program because I need some challenging cardio. I'm on week 3. I'd forgotten how much more difficult cardio feels when you are dealing with weather and hills and pavement. OTOH I am enjoying it in a masochistic way. I always listen to music at the gym. When I run I either count or sing jodies. No music, just the quiet and me, singing or counting (very quietly). I am enjoying the quiet a lot more - sometimes I turn on Pandora but a lot of times I'll just listen to the birds or wind while I work.

Susie isn't sure what to make of 2 walks a day. Sometimes she seems excited, sometimes not so much. Generally Jordan only goes for 1, but other days she surprises me and wants to go again. We always take her stroller so she doesn't get too tired out.

I've started a new (very large) project at work which includes a systems architect. Let's just say that hasn't gotten off to a smooth start.  T is adjusting to a new routine at work. His business is way down, but his store remains open while a lot in the chain have temporarily closed. So that's a mixed blessing. We've both taken pay cuts, but we're still working when so many are not.

Some days my eating is on point and some days not so much, but it does seem to be smoothing out some. My birthday is Sunday and I ordered myself a couple of books, some nice bath wash, flowerdy keds, and Twin Peaks on Blu Ray. I'm going to try not to feel too sorry for myself - birthdays are a big deal in my family and normally I would be at the beach with my family. Oh well, this isn't forever.

Take care of yourselves!

I'll leave you with a picture of Susie that always makes me smile!

Better

Good morning. Yesterday was a lot better. I did my C25K run, swung my kettlebell 500 times, took the dogs for 2 walks, made dinner. It wasn't perfect - I had insomnia, and I had a snack at 2 AM as a result. That's not good, but I'm trying. Each day is a new one. So I got up at my usual time (no sleeping in and messing up my schedule), walked the dogs and did my swings. Dealt with some work issues first thing, so hopefully that will lead to less stress and better sleep tonight.

Take care.

Easter kinda stunk

I started the day off really sad, was better for a while, and ended it really sad.

Today is better.

Take care of yourselves. This is hard. That's okay that it's hard.

What does TGIF even mean???

In the days of working at home, the days do tend to run into one another. Having said that, there are several things I want to accomplish this weekend so I am looking at some time off work. Work has been very busy, so even though I am home it's not like I don't have plenty to do!!

Weight is still bouncing a bit, I am up 3 pounds on the year. Not the way I want to go, but I'm coming back down and seem to be doing a bit better. Right now I just want to focus on the day to day choices and staying within 5 pounds of where I'd gotten to. If I can do that then I'll feel like I've stayed on a fairly even keel. Maybe that's enough to expect right now.

Stay healthy!

Good morning

I'm still here. Last week was fairly rough for me mentally, but for now at least I seem to be on an upswing. The good weather is helping I'm sure. I know these posts are boring, but so is my life. Lol.

Over 2 years ago I printed a PDF off of Sparkpeople called "30 days of quick and healthy lunch ideas". I'd been struggling to come up with some different ideas - especially since we're all having to get creative based on what we have or can get. The page has been stuck on the side of my fridge ever since I printed it. Sunday I pulled it off and actually looked at the recipes (I've used some before, but it's been a while). I'm sure the page itself is probably gone, but I searched the recipe section and found the tuna and white bean recipe (it's called tuna and white bean salad), which I made using some fresh herbs from a friend's garden. It's really good and a nice change!

I remember about half the time to make myself overnight oats, and dinners have varied. I'm trying to make a snack tray for the afternoon when T gets home. He showers, then we sit on the porch and have some light appetizers to hold us over until dinner. It's been a nice ritual. I usually have a deviled egg, pickles, olives, carrots, grapes, yesterday I had a dab of guac made from a stray half an avocado (not all of that at once!). It lets him unwind, gives us a few minutes together, and I try to make it somewhat healthy.

Tonight I'm doing oven fried chicken with boneless skinless thighs, rice a roni (Don't judge me!), and roasted okra.

I'm not helping with lunch at church on Sunday, but T is making the dessert (a sort of a tiramisu trifle) and I am making fresh yeast rolls. Unfortunately it's supposed to rain, so I don't know what sort of turnout we'll get. :-(

Hope you have a good day - stay healthy.

Getting stuff done

I organized a small area in our barn over the weekend. It's open-ish to the outside, so it was pretty full of dust, pollen, etc. Anyway, I have a pile of stuff to go to Goodwill when they reopen. Other than that, pretty much same old same old. I did go to the grocery for a few things but tried to be very careful, which is hard. other than that I'm just at my house.

Take care.

Could be better, could be worse

Today there were lay offs at work. While I am still employed, a dear friend of 20+ years is not. Two people on our team were let go. My husband's scheduled vacations are cancelled for ??? long. Times are really bad in a way that I can't really wrap my mind around. So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through. 

Thankfully we are the types to have an emergency fund and live beneath our means. Our goal is to get to the point that we are able to live off only 1 income. We aren't there yet, but that's what we've been working toward for a time. Now that T has taken a 25% pay cut, we are thankful for our lifestyle!

Take care of yourselves!