You never know when it'll click for you

I've written before about the fact that my experience has been a bit different. So many times when you read  a weight loss story (or a blog about losing weight), the person will say they were "always the chubby one", or words to that effect. Because that wasn't true for me, I guess it's given me a different perspective - and different set of luggage to work through. :-)

Like most women, I've spent the vast majority of my adult life wanting to "lose a few pounds". Maybe 10 or so? My mom always did, my grandma always did - I don't know that I really ever knew a woman who was happy with her weight or body.

But the reality is that I was always a healthy weight until I got pregnant, and afterward I lost weight (using Weight Watchers) and kept it off for several years. It wasn't until a combination of events when my son was 5 that I began to really become overweight: starting a new job and dating my now ex husband.

I have an Excel spreadsheet where I record my weight on Fridays. There are long stretches of time when there is no number recorded, but the first recorded weight is dated October 2001. (The weight is 178). I've been at this 18 years. I started this blog 15 years ago!

So:

I started at 178, lost down to the 150s, and stayed there for 7 months.
I popped up for a month into the 160s, then
back down to the 150s for 32 months before
going back to the 160s, where I stayed for 9 months.
Then there's a long 3 month period with no record, before
I resurface at 180. Other than a couple of weeks, it's 19 months before
I move back to the 170s in March of 2009.
For a year or so I'm pretty solid in the 170s with a flirt here and there in the high 160s.
End of April 2010 I hit 180s again.
I languish in the 180s for 8 months, but I turn it around and begin moving back into the high 170s.

January of 2011 they announce our center is closing. I am forced to move if I want to keep my job. That's the first time my husband threatened to leave (Why didn't I let him go!??!?!?). And then I gave up.

Jan 7, 2011 - 178.6 No weight recorded until
April 1, 2011 188
June 3 I hit the 190s for the first time since being pregnant.
November 2011 I begin to turn it around and go back into the 180s.
April 2012 I see the 170s again!
October 2012 I see 180s again.
Feb 2013 back to the 190s.
Dec 27, 2013 I cross into 200+ territory for the first time in my life and except for a couple of dips, I stay there until
November 2014 I make it back below 200.

At that point I'm back in NC, working, and feeling pretty good about things. Not great (I was swimming in the river of denial for sure), but being back here was so much better.

I'm moving downward slowly, then my husband and I split in March 2015.

Between March 6 and August 2016 there are 8 weeks I recorded a weight, but by November 2015 I'm back above 200.

12/15 I cross 210 for the first time.
12/17 I cross 220.
1/12/18 I hit my all time high weight - 222.

So, what happens next?

By the Friday after my 52nd birthday (4/20/18) I was down 9.4 pounds - to 212.6. So I was losing maybe 3 pounds a month. But I was beginning to feel like I could do this and I decided that this time there was no quitting, no "dieting" my way back up and down the scale. I might have setbacks, I might stall, but I was going to keep moving forward. I have had setbacks and I have had stalls, but today I weigh 68 pounds less than I did on that all time high day.

What changed? How did a perimenopausal woman in her 50s lose weight? I think there are a couple of things that were different this time.

• Surviving the divorce. For one I felt safe in my relationship, but (maybe more importantly) I decided that I was not going to allow my reactions to someone elses emotions dictate my relationship with food. I was going to be the one controlling me. My marriage isn't perfect, my job, my life, my family - all imperfect. And sometimes I DO eat my feelings. But I don't do it regularly. And I strive to keep my life in a place where I don't feel the need to stuff down feelings.

• Something that I alluded to back at the beginning I think maybe gave me an edge. I had been a soldier, I had been an athletic civilian, I knew how people treated and related to me at a "normal" weight. So I knew what to expect - both good and bad. That helped me prepare for the bad (unwanted attention) and anticipate the good (the awesome feeling of being physically fit).

Yeah, I wish I'd been able to do this sooner. I regret spending a decade and a half overweight - a lot of it really overweight. OTOH, I am also deeply grateful that I was able to make the change and not simply continue on the upward glide path.

All of this is a long way to say: Don't give up. Never give up. Look at all those fits and starts, those years of struggle. Do what you can to build the foundation of readiness and keep trying until it clicks for you.

I wish you all the best of health.