A long overdue update, and a slight change in focus

That's kinda been things around here lately.  I get the basics done, but I haven't had a lot left over.  For one, just my MIL being here has been a bit stressful.  I know I've (whined) talked about her, but also to help you understand, my husband and his older brother were raised by their grandparents, so they just don't have the same kind of relationship most kids have with their mother.  Anyway, he is taking her home Saturday and I get my privacy back.

To make matter worse, I had a bit of a health scare this week.  I will explain.  A while back, a certain "weight loss" blogger I read talked about having to go in for a second mammogram due to things on the first one being unclear.  Another weight loss/fitness blogger questioned (on her own blog) whether it really happened because she claimed to have gotten the results back so quickly.  I'm here to tell you (since I now have learned), that when you have a questionable mammogram, shit goes down FAST (thank god).

Last Thursday I received a letter from the hospital asking that I come back in for further imaging.  Even though the next sentence reads "Most findings are benign (NOT CANCER)", it doesn't matter.  The words could be in red moving flames instead of all caps and it wouldn't matter.  Your heart stops.  Your heart does not re-start.  Your life freezes.

So, letter came Thursday evening.  I called Friday and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday (this) morning.  That left me 3 very long days to wait once I had the appointment.  They told me to expect to be there 2-3 hours because I would have my results before I left.  I can't speak for all places, but clearly they treat you special when you have to come back.  I had a 7:30 am appointment.  By 7:45 they were doing another set of mammograms.  By 8:15 they were doing ultrasounds.  By 8:45 I was back in for 1 for mammo image by dr request.  By 9:15 I had my results - all clear, regular mammo next year.  Thank god and I am so thankful for the speed and sensitivity of the hospital staff.

That left me 3 days to think, seriously think.  That's what I want to share now.

Here's the thing: I can do pretty much what I want - I am not particularly limited in any way by the 20-25 pounds I want to lose.  SCUBA, snorkeling, mountain biking - I am pretty fit and not so overweight that it is a true hinderance.  Sure, I wish I looked better in clothes, but honestly, I have had so much stress in the last 2.5 years that a few extra pounds just didn't seem like a huge deal.

I've struggled to figure out how to cope and how to help my family cope with the stress, so I have turned to my old friend: food.  And it has (mostly) worked.  And thankfully I don't eat so much or so out of control that I have gained a large amount of weight.  Maybe 5 pounds? 

But: food isn't an answer and lately I have been feeling like this solution has been working less and less and I haven't found any other way to deal with stress.  These last few days caused me to really look at things and realize that I HAVE to find a way to manage my stress.

Do I still want to lose some weight?  Yes.  But frankly my stress levels are a bigger issue than the pounds, and by managing the one the by product should be the loss of the other.  For that reason I am going to change the focus of this blog to stress reduction/ management.

For one, I plan to blog here more often.  For two, I hope to be more honest about some stress I haven't talked too much about.  I don't use my real name or those of my family on this blog.  I have never named where I worked or any person on this blog.  I hope that I have kept some anonymity.  I am going to talk a bit more openly about some stressors, but I plan to keep certain details fairly generic.  I realize I don't blog for swag, profit, or even to attract readers.  So I doubt I have a bunch of people out trying to "find" me, but nevertheless, I try to be a bit discreet about personal details.  I hope anyone reading understands.

Also, I will probably continue to post exercise and recipes, but I also want to write about other efforts at stress reduction, and I hope I can use this as a reminder and support for myself.  Frankly, I don't need some crazy fascist schedule or plan, or anyone (including myself) cracking a proverbial whip on my back and berating me (myself) when I don't stick to it.  I need support, not guilt.  Guilt hasn't worked.  It's turned me into a stressed out mess.

So that's it. 

Be well.