In Georgia

We drove down to Georgia to visit my great aunt.  She is slowing down .. a lot.  And her memory is definitely not as good.  I worry because there isn't really anyone here that helps her with her business or anything.  Mom pays a lady to come in once a week to give her a good bath, make sure she has stuff she needs, etc.  But her kids & grandkids rarely check on her.  It's shameful and makes me angry.  All we can do is come down periodically, take her out, and have Mona come in once a week. :-(

The weather has been overcast but no rain and not cold, so that's good.  We've done the usual: cemetery, thrift and antique shops (limited), take her out to eat.  It's been a good visit, but it makes me sad.

I don't think I am ready to date.  I'm glad I tried it - I'm not afraid of it any more, but I don't think I'm ready for it. And that's ok.

And then finally: I have so stop the bs and seriously do something about my weight.  Baby steps aren't getting it done.  I texted the lady that I was training with last winter.  She isn't taking clients right now while she undergoes treatment for breast cancer.  Geesh.  I hate that.

I need to set up some accountability for myself.

Mid week

I slept really well last night, which was nice.  I got up, went for a walk in the park with the dog, swung my kettlebell, then grabbed a shower.  I had 2 coupons to K0hls I could stack, so I got a really nice bra for work for $14.

Made myself a nice lunch.  Since I am skipping water aerobics tonight to help a friend put together some Ikea furniture, my plan to is repeat this morning's workout again this afternoon.

There are things I am struggling with right now - like, am I really ready to date?  I don't know.  Sadness (first holidays since split - ugh).  Just - stuff.  But I'm doing okay with my food and I'm looking forward to visiting Alma this weekend.

I've been busy making soup (I made a really good vegetable yesterday), and eating my vegetables. :-)

Okay, have a good day!

Upcoming

Friday we are leaving for Georgia to go visit my great aunt.  We are coming back Sunday, then Monday I have a job interview (wish me luck!).  I tried on my interview outfit today - it still looks fine despite having gained some weight since last time I wore it.

I skipped water aerobics yesterday and I paid for it last night in the form of insomnia. Ugh!  Note to self:  exercise improves sleep.  Go to the gym!

Food is still on track!

A nice day

The weather here was really nice today.  Mom, her friend (the one who's husband recently died) and I went to Replacements Ltd (http://replacements.com/), an antique mall, and lunch.  We had a really lovely day.  Once we got home, mom and I went for a walk in the park.  I need to go swing my kettlebell.  Food has been excellent and I am feeling better!

Take care!

Sunday

So it's been a pretty good weekend.  Would you believe I have been on 3 dates this week????

Yeah, it's true.  Met a guy Thursday night for dinner - very nice guy, zero chemistry.  We said thanks and haven't communicated.  Lunch yesterday was really fun!  We took a walk after - we were both in the Army and had a lot we could talk about.  He is going out of town on business and we are planning to see each other when we get back.

Date 3 was lunch today.  He was nice, we talked sports - very easy going, no chemistry.  Ugh, this is hard!  But pleased with yesterday's lunch - we'll see what happens.

It's hard putting myself out there, but I was beginning to get such a complex, I figured the plunge would be good - and it has been!  It's also tough because I am currently at my highest weight ever.  I've struggled, mightily.

Food and emotional eating have been better this week and I was down 2.4 pounds.  Keeping on, keeping on.

More sun

Another sunny, warm (70s) day.  Another day with a few list of tasks, but nothing too bad.

The scale is down a couple of the about 4 pounds I gained on the trip.  I'm near my highest weight, which would be more miserable except I am working on changing it.  No kettlebells yesterday - I was tired and a bit stiff, so I decided to skip that.  I did walk in the park and went to water aerobics.

Today the plan includes water aerobics, walk in the park, and kettlebells.  There is no beer in the house, and there are a couple of (relatively) healthy, low cal snacks for evening.  I tend to eat a light dinner before class (which is at 7) and then I want a little bit of something when I get home.

After some consideration, I decided to sign up for an online dating service. I haven't dated in over 15 years and I've never used an online service.  I was building up a lot of fear of dating, so I decided to sign up and get my toes wet.  I don't feel ready for a serious relationship, but I felt now was the time to face that fear.  I will keep you posted.

Okay, have a good day!

Another gorgeous day!

Well 2 sunny days in a row.  Yay! 

I forgot to mention, but I wrote up a short and easy kettlebell session for myself.  I am doing it each day just to build back up a bit.  I will add to it, and once it is long enough I will switch to every other day.

So yesterday I walked in the park with my mom.  Nice and easy.  Today is more kettlebells and water aerobics.  I was feeling VERY snacky last night, but did well.

I have a list of things to do over the next couple of weeks.  Everything from washing the dog to organizing fall clothes.  Stuff that really needs to be done and I have time, which is nice!

Nothing profound to write, just getting back into a groove.  Take care!

It was a dark and rainy night

It rained cats and dogs all day yesterday.  Luckily there was no thunder which meant there was water aerobics!  My girlfriend couldn't make it (she is sick and the doctor told her to hold off a couple of days), but I went!  It was nice, once I got my butt out into the cold rainy night.

Food was fine yesterday. I hit Costco and bought a huge bag of organic mixed greens (kale, spinach, chard) for smoothies & salads, a bag of frozen fruit for smoothies, tomatoes, and a rotisserie chicken for dinner and the leftovers for lunch salads.

No water aerobics today, I can't decide if I want to go to the gym or just go walk in the park now that it's sunny!  I got a cute haircut and then went and picked up cucumbers and hummus to have for evening snacks this week.

In a move that is NOT at all surprising, my not yet ex has moved in with new girl.  More proof they are both crazy.  He's looking for a substitute, she's looking for a baby daddy.

I gained 4 pounds on the trip.  I'm not surprised, but it's right back to healthy eating and exercise.  And looking for a job.

I'm unpacked and my room is cleaned.  I've swept the house and I need to do some dishes.  Then respond to a few emails, clean my desk, balance my checkbook, etc. etc. 

Mood is middle ground.

There and back again

Well hello to anyone who might read this! My son and I are back from our trip across America.  It was terrific, I'm so glad we did it. 

I stopped writing because honestly, I didn't want to read it.  It's been hard.  Hard that your husband of 14+ years walks out the door and moves in with another woman without a backward glance.  Even if you know he's a jackass, it's still a blow to your esteem.  Add unemployment to the mix and you have a cocktail for a tough time. 

As they say, tough times don't last, but tough people do.  I am ok.  I can pay my bills without too much trouble, I have a place to live.  I have recruiters helping me look for something.  I will find a job.  Right now is a good time to take care of myself, and that is what I am focusing on.  I have signed back up for water aerobics and I have a friend going with me (my mm just isn't a pool person).

I have a membership to the Y and a house full of healthy foods.  I have a list of things I want to get done while I have some time.  I won't lie - this sucks.  But I can sit around a be depressed or I can use the time.  I choose the latter.

I will write more about my trip and what is goin gon in the coming days.  For now ... I'm back.

Too much time on my hands

Parked in drafts for a couple of days, in the hopes I could be more articulate.

The other night after supper I started feeling anxious, and I realized that I've addressed emotional eating, habit eating, and this one is maybe the final issue that I need to face: boredom eating.  (not that those issues are solved, but they've at least had the curtain pulled back and the light of day shined on them!).

You would think people would never be bored - we have so much to do!  And I certainly had plenty I could do - chores.  But I wanted to do something enjoyable and nothing seemed to fit the bill.  I didn't want to bring out a project (too much effort), I couldn't find a book I wanted to read. Eating would be a way to "switch off".

I have loads of things I want to do, but starting feels daunting.  I've avoided that most of this week by sticking my nose in a book (thanks to a trip to the used book store), but I can't keep avoiding it.

I'm not ok, you're not ok, and that's ok

Hey there.  I said that to a friend the other day, in kind of a joking way, but really, it's pretty true!

There's lots of things that I don't feel ok with, and sometimes I feel angry, or sad, or scared.  I remind myself that those are normal feelings under the circumstances, and it's ok!  I don't have to pretend them away.  I don't have to share them either if I don't feel comfortable doing that.

So that's where I am - all the feelings that come with change, positive and negative.  I get tired of writing about it at times, I guess you get tired of reading it too!

But I'm doing pretty well. Hope you are too! :-)

Still here

It's been a quiet week.  I've been feeling low energy, vaguely sad.

The funeral was nice.  Mom and I did the food, and that turned out well.  It's been a productive weekend, getting a lot of housework done.  I have fun plans the next couple of weekends, so I needed to get some stuff done.

I decided to quit my Cross Fit gym for a while - it just feels a bit overwhelming, plus it's expensive and my job is ending in a few weeks.  I have my kettlebells at home, and I still belong to the Y.  I've been trimming back to my spending.

Not much else to report.  Take care!

Change of plans

My son and I had planned to head to the coast this weekend, but he has strep throat. So, no trip for me!  Oh well, that gives me time to finish packing stuff up from my last trip!

After reading the book, I've decided to start the (new) Atkins diet - this one has a lot more veggies since it uses "net" carbs.  I feel better eating low carb, but I feel like I need more structure, so I hope this will help.  Meals are planned accordingly.

I'm still not really back on schedule - I haven't been to the gym since I got back.  I just really can't decide what to do about that.  Right now it feels daunting, but I have no idea why.

I bought an Atlas so we cna plan our trip across America.  I am super excited about that!!!

Anyway, this weekend is going to be about putting stuff away and getting organized.  Ugh.

Also, my friend and mentor passed away last weekend.  Funeral is next weekend.  That's been hard - mom has been helping her best friend (his wife) get things together for the service.  They've been together since they were 15. :-(

Take care & enjoy your weekend.

Challenge

Yesterday Sean issued me a challenge: In the evening when I begin to enter my "danger zone" (the time of day I'm most likely to overeat), to stop and think about when these habits started, what was going on, and how I felt. 

While I've always been an evening snacker, for most of my life it hasn't affected my weight - I naturally built an evening snack into my eating habits in such a way that I maintained a healthy weight.  There have been two distinct periods when that was not the case: the first one was when my husband and I were dating and he was still living up in Maryland.  The second was when my job was being transferred and causing issues between the two of us.  There were so many things going on, but that was one of the biggest.

Clearly stress - particularly relationship stress, is one of the items that pushes me into losing my equilibrium with food.

I had a chance to talk to my husband on this trip about health insurance - one of the issues I have been very concerned about.  He reassured me that he will continue to carry my son & me on his insurance for next year.  That made me feel better.

My contract is coming to an end in October and money will be tight until I get a new job.  It's nice to not have to worry about insurance at least.

Take care.   

Readjusting

Hi there.

I'm still settling back in form vacation.  I'm caught up at work - not so much at home!  I will write in more detail later - I have a lot of think through.  I will say that vacation provided highs and lows, joy and sadness, but mostly gave me a bit more closure than I expected.  I feel more ready to move forward and less caught in a tangle of fear of the future.  So that's good.

Big hugs!

Home

Good vacation!  Home safe, unpacked, mostly ready to resume reality tomorrow! :-)

Packing

Have to finish packing - leaving at noon tomorrow straight from work.  No internet, no computer.  Have a nice week.  Catch on the flip side! :-)

No one can take your joy

I have to tell you, I have very mixed feelings about vacation.  I love this trip - I always get so excited and its one of the highlights of my year.  But not this year.  I dread seeing my ex, who has been up there a week. Not because I want him back, not even because I think he'll start anything (at least not overtly).  But he's going to want to argue over who gets what of the camping gear. I hate that crap.

I haven't even wanted to pack, but tonight I at least got the clothing together.  So, progress.

I'm just stressed about a lot of things: money (just charged my flood insurance), haven't gotten the rent for July and I need it to pay August before I leave, losing a week of pay, looking at being unemployed come late October...  And I'm (pretty) sure he is not going to sign us up on his health insurance for next year - even though he is legally obligated to do so.  So I'll have to buy it on the exchange and sue him for the money.

So yeah, cash flow problems.

But I am working on getting packed tonight, and I am determined to have fun!

So that's me.  I am determined NOT to let him or worry over things I can't control ruin my joy!!!

They didn’t teach shop at the school of science & math

Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot at Lowe’s, wondering how I ever got to this point.

I was a nerdy kid, and even if they had offered shop class at the NC School of Science & Math where I attended high school, I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken it.  But they didn’t and I didn’t.  And then I went to college, where I did help a boyfriend work on his 1969 Mustang Mach 1.  And then I joined the Army, where I actually had to do the maintenance on my own vehicle.  Although I admit I wasn’t above baking cookies and taking them to the mechanics so that they would do most of the work!

But tools?  Sure, I’d help my dad hold a piece of siding or something, but he never really explained or I never really listened, or a bit of both.  But not too long after I bought my house I met my (not soon enough to be) ex-husband, and he was a contractor, so problem solved.  Until he left and took all the tools, none of which I knew how to use anyway.

So the other day I found myself looking online for adult shop classes, but couldn’t find anything locally. My terrier is getting under the barn (or trying), and cut herself on the wire someone tacked up years ago as a deterrent.  Despite years of asking, neither my son nor my husband ever bothering addressing the issue.  

I decided to solve the problem.  So I did what any mature, self-sufficient woman would do: texted her manly tool wielding girlfriend and asked her if she’d please come help!  But she couldn't get here till late-ish, so I decided to go to Lowe’s and buy the lattice.  Did you know that you can’t really cut wood lattice very well because it’s stapled together?  Did you also know that Lowe’s doesn’t cut plastic?  Which is how I wound up in the middle of a busy Lowe’s with tears in my eyes asking the guy that works there what to do.

He asked me if I had a hacksaw, I said no, my ex took all the tools and what was a hacksaw anyway?  So he helped me pick out a hacksaw.  I wrestled 4 pieces of 2 x 8 plastic lattice into my Nissan Sentra, and sat in the parking lot, wondering when exactly I sold my sense of self sufficiency and independence for the comforts of marriage, and why?  Was it necessary?    

I bought my first tool.  I expect to buy more.  They'll be worth the price because I will be buying back my own sense of self.

And when my friend K got here?  Well, it took some yesterday and till nearly 1 today, but:

The other 3 sides look just as good.

Today

Last night was fine.  Ate dinner, then had a piece of chicken for a snack later.  Drank unsweetened tea and water only.

Today is super busy, the usual plus getting packed for my trip.  And trying to repair the lattice on the barn.  My friend K is coming over to help, and I am grateful for that!

Okay, have a good day!