Gag order

Most of my life I have walked a fairly narrow straight and narrow. A mixture of fear, guilt, and paranoia have kept me pretty close to the beaten path. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing really. Being afraid of potentially bad consequences is a pretty nifty survival mechanism. While it means I probably won’t quit my day job to go study in Tibet, I probably won’t try an illegal drug either.

Like I said, my doctor warned I might experience side effects the first couple of weeks. The interesting thing about Celexa is the voice inside my head I’ve always referred to as my “inner jewish mother” has been silenced. The result has been interesting. Without that nagging voice, I haven’t felt compelled to cook every night, keep the house uber tidy, go to the gym, wash my face before bed… you get the idea. I haven’t bought a motorcycle or quit my day job, but not only have I been blowing off “obligations” - I’ve felt no guilt about doing so.

This has been a truly eye opening experience. No one has told me I’m a bad person, the earth hasn’t stopped turning – life is still going on pretty much as it always has. The weight of all that “should” has been enormous – with that gone for a few days I can see that. I do think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I really don’t want to live with the consequences of making this a lifestyle. I can feel that the pendulum is beginning to head back in the other direction. I am a bit relieved to feel honest – making yourself do stuff you don’t want to without that inner nag is hard work. But the quiet has been restful.