Facing future, with hope and trepidation

This has been a post a long time rolling around in my brain, but very tough to write about for two reasons:

1. It's about the loss of dreams, and failure, and what does failure say about who we are as people.  But it is also about finding new dreams in the ashes of the old.
2. It's been a struggle for me to balance what I want to share and what I don't want to.  I am not one to post something and pull it down - I don't even put it into draft if I'm not sure.

  When my husband and I met, he was living in Maryland and I was in NC.  I had finished grad school, had an established career at a Fortune 50 company, and owned a home.  Hub was renting a duplex with a friend and working in construction.  His situation made it easier for him to move, so he packed up, quit his job, and moved down to be with me.

For all of our marriage, I have been not only the primary bread winner, but my job was also the one that provided our family with benefits.  Construction can be tough, and there have been times when hub's work situation meant he job hopped or did temp work.  But the fact that I had a good paying job with benefits also meant he had the luxury of following his dream of having his own business.  As it turns out, he realized that he didn't really enjoy being a small business owner and went back to traditional employment, but he had the opportunity. 

So when my company closed our office in NC, it made sense that we would relocate so I could keep my job.  It was when the economy was near its worst and central NC didn't offer a lot of job opportunity.  It seemed the safer course to move, and so we did.

To say it has been a disaster on many levels is a pretty big understatement.  We don't like this area (our son hated it and left to finish high school in NC with his grandmother).  My husband has been unable to find work and has been doing temp work, which takes a pretty big mental toll on him.  The cost of living is much higher and with my husband's income being all over the page, it has been a huge stress and created a lot of financial strain.

I work for a great company and have a really good boss and co-workers.  But when your family isn't making it financially, when do you say enough?  What do you do if the job you are contenplating giving up is the source of your family's benefits.  (NC refused the federal funding for health care.  Private insurance in NC would cost our family roughly $10,000 a year, which we obviously could not possibly afford).

What if you realize that you would like the opportunity to pursue your dream?  Even if it means giving up "the American dream" and moving in with family while you re-establish?

There are work dreams I'd like to pursue - as a couple we would like to purchase some land on which to have a small homestead.  If we do that have I failed at my corporate career?

It's been very hard, but we have decided to sell our home and rent something down here for a while (I don't know what a while is).  The couple that want to buy our house are renting month to month in the neighborhood, but the property they are renting is being foreclosed on.  So if we didn't sell to them pretty soon, they would likely have to get something else and we could potentially lose our buyers. 

We live in south Florida, where the market is still pretty bad.  We never even put our house on the market.  This couple knows us from the neighborhood, heard we were thinking about selling, and asked to come look at our house.  Given that is our primary source of debt (thankfully we are very careful about debt!), selling this house and breaking even/making a small profit when we bought it less than 3 years ago would be a big burden lifted.  It was give us flexibility and time to plan our next move.

While my mom has been down here, we have been busy packing up the breakables - the china, dishes we don't need, etc.  Mainly the fragile stuff.  We've rented a moving truck etc.  We have a place to rent that is month to month.  We are moving out of our home at the end of November.

Its isn't the final destination - its the first step on a new path - we're not quite sure where it even leads!  Do I keep my job and just rent?  For how long?  I've been looking for a virtual position but there aren't many and the company is downsizing, so its been slim pickings.  

There are a lot of questions.  Giving up our home when I've been a home owner for over 15 years feels a little like failure.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to follow my dream - not society's, or anyone elses!  And if this can make it easier for me (and my husband!) to do that, then its right for us, even if its hard.