Disposable kids

I think women's lib was a good thing.  I appreciate being able to work in virtually any field I want with few limitations.  I am glad I can't be fired for getting pregnant, that I can get a credit card, that I get paid as much as my male counterparts.

The down side of 70s (and beyond) is that people got divorced at a rapid rate, leaving kids to be raised by single parents.  And of course women may get pregnant and the man may not be involved at all.

I'm not saying people should have stayed in bad marriages.  And plenty of parents who divorce do a good job of co-parenting.  This isn't to criticize anyone else's family or life choices - this is about my experience.

When my dad left, he treated the whole experience as a "starter marriage" - a college mistake.  Then he got married and built his dream house and had 3 kids with another woman.  (And got divorced again.)  Sure he said he loved me and I saw him most weekends, but let's face it: I became a baby sitter for when they wanted to go out. 

When I needed anything (like medical care), he cried poor to my mom.  She was a teacher - he had a good government job.  He paid $100 a month in child support.

But it wasn't about the money - it was about the attitude.  I once went through a pretty big depressive period as I entered puberty and my mom wanted to take me to counseling - he told her he couldn't afford to help pay for it.  (He'd just built a big new house & had a baby).

Like many girls who grew up without any positive reinforcement from a father, I used my looks to get attention and approval from boys/men to make up for that.  Which can become a vicious cycle of feeling like guys are only interested in your looks, not you, and down the path to very poor self esteem.

This wasn't 100% circumstance - my dad was one of those people that seems to feel that if he constantly criticizes he is "challenging" his child to do better.  The irony is of course that he hated his father for that mode of parenting and they had a terrible relationship, but of course he parented the same way his father had modeled for him.

The reality is I am very uncomfortable at a healthy body weight due to years of unwanted and inappropriate attention from men.  I feel safe overweight.

I know what to do to lose weight.  I've spent most of my life at a healthy weight.  I don't like being overweight, but I feel emotionally secure here. 

For me, losing a few pounds is a hellula lot more than cutting out carbs or hitting the gym more often.  I have to lean to navigate a world in which I am not comfortable.