Lots of thinking going on

1.  Appointment with the lawyer was fine.  It cost more than I thought (but less than if she didn't go to law school with a good friend of mine).  I don't have paperwork - I have a list of questions/information I need to pull together so she can write up the agreement.  Now, fingers crossed he signs it - it's what we verbally agreed to, so hopefully it won't be an issue.

2.  I got on the scale today for the first time in ... 2 weeks?  3 weeks?  I'm up 1.4 pounds - frankly I can't believe it's not more. Nevertheless, enough of this mess!

3.  I've been thinking a lot and really considering how I wanted to express this.  Here goes:

There are people who are addicted to certain foods (maybe sugar or wheat).  There are people who have specific trigger foods (this is me).  I don't fall into the pit when I eat a small amount of any certain type of food, but certain foods (like pierogies for some weird  reason) I really can't moderate so I don't eat them.

There are people who are emotional eaters (again, me) who may or may not be sugar or wheat addicts.

Then there is a third issue, which is one I also face.  I get an emotional payoff from remaining overweight.  For one, I really don't like change.  I've had so much uncertainty and upheaval and stress over these past few years, and there have been issues I didn't want to face (like the serious marriage issues I've been avoiding since spring of 2011), so emotional eating has remained in high gear. 

Plus I fear change: in many ways I am comfortable being overweight.  I don't have to deal with attention from men.  It makes a wonderful scapegoat for when things don't go your way!  (Didn't get a promotion?  It's your weight!).  If you lose weight, then you have to deal with not only situations that might make you uncomfortable, but hey, if something doesn't go your way, you have to figure out why and not just use your weight as an excuse.

To paraphrase Cpt. James T. Kirk "Some people are very frightened of change."  I am one of those people.  I could spend a lot of time talking about my life experiences that may have contributed to something which is probably an innate personality trait, but at the end of the day, it's part of who I am.  And that is something I am going to have to confront if I want to make changes in my life.

I do want to lose weight, but I also recognize that a lot of me wants to stay safe, hiding behind my fat.  But the desire to change is outweighing the desire to stay the same.  And many of my fears have come to pass:  I'm no longer with the company I was with for over 14 years - I was terrified of that change.  I refused to deal with my marital issues because I knew that meant we would divorce, I knew I couldn't stay with someone for who I had neither respect nor trust, but I was so afraid and sad at the prospect of divorce.  but hey - that's happening too!

In some ways it feels like a terrible time to add another change into the mix, as someone who hates it and is in the midst of so much.  But a part of me realizes this is a time of change, growth, and transformation.  I want to come out the other side a truer version of who I really am.

And that means losing weight.

More to come.