Sad, but hardly heartbroken

First off, do you read Seth Smith's blog?  If not, you should.  He doesn't post super frequently, but what he posts is meaningful, articulate, and really hits at both your heart and you head.  Here is a link to his most recent post:  http://sethadamsmith.com/2014/01/30/damning-belief/

Seth claims the most damning belief any person can have is that they are a victim.  How true!  It feels good to say "It isn't my fault", but the flip side of the coin "I'm trapped and have no power" stinks.  Empowering yourself leads to feeling better, even when the circumstances are tough.

I'm finding that with myself.  My husband is leaving today, and we will be apart for several months.  I will be sharing a house with people I don't know super well.  They are good people, I've known them casually for a couple of years, but they aren't family or even super close friends.  And in some ways it makes sharing a house easier, and in some ways harder.

I don't have much of a local support system.  But I do have good friends that I talk to regularly, and the internet certainly helps bridge the distance!

And I'm no shrinking dish rag of a woman.  Good lord, I got on a plane and flew to basic training by myself.  I flew to my first permanent duty station - West Berlin, by myself.  And once my plan landed I had to sort out money and transportation on my own!  I was 23.  I can certainly share a house with other adults for 3 or 4 months while my husband is looking for work in NC!

It was also difficult to give up appearances.  (That's the opposite of 'Keeping up appearances' - ha ha).  To say, I am selling my home and living in a rented room with friends and my husband and dogs are living with my mom.  Isn't the American dream home ownership?!  What kind of loon voluntarily gives up their home months before they will be willing/able to purchase another???

And how silly is that, worrying about what people will think?  I largely keep mum about the details, but I've (mostly) gotten over that.  Now I'm just sad about being away from my husband and dogs.  BUT - we made this decision together for a good cause, we are working toward a specific goal, and having him head up first to look for work and help get us settled is very helpful.

We made a promise to each other - we promised to take care of ourselves, using each other for accountability.  Regular exercise, healthy foods, not using food to stuff down our feelings - we can't do those things.  Our health and well being mean too much.

So, this day is Day 1, and I plan to make it good in the sense of no food shenanigans and getting in my exercise.  One day at a time.

Post weekend random

We had a lovely time visiting with our friends.  I find going to friend's challenging food-wise in that many of our friends don't eat the way I do.  Luckily (in this case), my husband does have some food restrictions, so I pack a cooler.  Sandwiches for lunch?  We'll do roll-ups.  Pasts for dinner? We brought some meat to throw on the grill.  It wasn't perfect, but it was better and we were good guests.  And they understand food sensitivities.

We got home yesterday at lunch and had leftover soup.  For dinner we decided to split a shwarma platter (roasted seasoned chicken and various vegetable salads and hummus) from an amazing deli nearby that we adore.  It was a special, fairly healthy treat.  We both eat beans occasionally - they don't seem to bother us or act as triggers.  But after that we didn't feel the need for any snacks.

There were some issues with the a/c hub is installing for me, so he decided to postpone his departure for another day.  We are both really dreading it.  Enough said.

We had a couple of ciders watching the game and there are a couple left, but I have no plans to buy an alcohol for the rest of the month.  I'm going to be sad enough without voluntarily consuming a depressent (which makes me gain weight!).

I hope you have a good day.  As the saying goes "Tough times don't last, but tough people do."

Yay for the weekend!

This weekend we are headed up to Jacksonville to visit friends.  Hurrah!  I am really looking forward to it!

Thursday I went downstairs and did step aerobics and then did a short yoga video with Rodney Yee.  I checked my bp after working out and it was lower than it was when I first came in to the office for the day.  I thought that was interesting.  Maybe it was the relaxation portion of the yoga??? :-)

Today is Jillian Michael's "Ripped in 30", possibly followed by stretching video.

Sometimes I feel like I sound negative, especially of late.  I don't think of myself as a "glass half empty" person at all.  I think I'm more like this:

See, the glass isn't half empty, it's half full!  BUT, it's awfully close to the edge of the table and I would hate for the glass to fall becuase it belonged to my grandmother.....

Do you see where I'm going?  I'm not negative, I worry.  And that's not good either.  You would think that by my age I would have figured out a way to "let go and let god" or "go with the flow" or whatever.  But I haven't.  So I use this blog to process things - especially change and big decisions.  So you get to read my "brain dumps" as I work through this stuff.  And right now I have a LOT to work through!

Weight remained the same, still a couple of pounds lower, but 2 weeks of not moving.  I know why - my lack of consistency.  Now my plan is to see how much I can get the needle to move before I go to the doctor on the 19th.  It's not about "lose x pounds", but about adhering to good lifestyle choices with food, exercise, sleep, and relaxtion between now and then, and then see what the doctor says. 

Here is a pretty powerful thought: "If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road."  —C.S. Lewis

That's pretty counter to how we are conditioned to live in the modern world.  It's all about progress, and moving forward.  How many people voluntarily downsize, or change careers to something lower paying?  People do it, but that is far from the norm.  And I think making that choice creates a lot of cognitive dissonance - it's what we want but it's contrary to what conventional thinking says we should want.

I've never been one to follow the beat of my own drummer.  Never.  I was always the quiet geeky girl in the science club, introverted and just not wanting to make waves.  So this process of really delving into what I want and how I want to live is pretty radical for me.  I think the end result will be awesome, but the path feels like walking through poison ivy, or maybe clearing a path through the underbrush with a machete! :-)

Have a great weekend and enjoy the Superbowl (if you are into that sort of thing)!

I followed through

Actually, things are feeling a little better. :-)

The bad news is that the doctor my colleague loves isn't accepting new patients.  But I called another doctor on my list and got an appointment for the 19th.  Given that doctors these days talk to their patients for like 5 minutes, I figure I'll have to do like that guy in the old Fedex commercials and talk really really fast to get in everything I want to tell her! :-) 

Yes Mrs Swan, high blood pressure does run on my mom's side of the family (but neither side of my family is overweight).  So it may be that I am genetically pre-disposed.  However, that doesn't mean that I can't make lifestyle choices (food, exercise, relaxation) that will help, if not solve the problem.  But if I need a little pharma assistance, I will take it.  My mom takes a very low dose diuretic, and that is sufficient.  I checked my bp again this morning and while still on the high side, it was lower.  I will keep checking it regularly until my appointment, so I can tell the doctor what the trend has been.

I don't hate or fear doctors and we go to regular appointments as recommended, but I am a little skeptical about modern medicines.  I think they are relied on far too much in lieu of a healthy lifestyle and it makes me nervous that often doctors tend to "solve" problems by writing a prescription v. addressing the root cause of an issue.  So for me to go and willingly take medication is pretty out there for me.  But if that is what I need to do for now, then I will.

Changing the subject: I am thinking about signing up for a sewing class.  Now, I know the basics of sewing, but I've never taken a formal class.  It's not terribly expensive ($99 tuition plus you buy supplies) for 6 Monday night classes.  Not 100%, but my mom is encouraging me.  I figure it'll get me out of the house, right?

I may also check out a class at the local Buddhist meditation center and see how I like it.  I can be weird about doing things like that on my own, so I dunno.  We'll see.  That's WAY out of my comfort zone, but I am curious about it.

Yesterday was crazy busy and I never managed any formal exercise (I know).  But today is back on schedule and I am going to do a step video.  I used to love doing step.  I know, so 1990s, but I think its fun and it'll keep me moving. :-)

Work is getting busier, which is a good thing.

Last night I made a really good soup!  It was basically a chicken broth and veggies, with spinach and italian sausage (sauteed like ground beef).  I added some extra italian seasonings and some fresh parsley.  I served it with a salad and mixed berries (for something sweet).  It was cool and rainy, and hub really enjoyed it.  It was a quick, easy meal with plenty of leftovers.

If I haven't mentioned it, breakfast this week is greek style meatloaf with sliced tomatoes.  Lunch is roasted chicken and chopped vegetables over salad greens.  Tonight's dinner is goulash (in the crockpot) with roasted green beans on the side. 

This week I bought (at Aldi) the long, whole green beans frozen, and roasted them in the oven just like I would the fresh ones.  They were really good - nearly as good as fresh!  Not to mention much cheaper and easier for one person to cook what they need without worrying about them going bad.  I tried roasting regular frozen green beans, and they weren't nearly as tasty.  And these weren't much more expensive, so I thought they were a really good find!  I like Aldi a lot (that's where I shopped when I lived in Germany).

Let's make good choices today!

Some days being a grown up stinks

I have had a headache for 3 days.  I said those words to my mom this morning and she replied "Have you checked your blood pressure?"  My initial thought was "Uh, no.  Why would I do that?"  Because even when I am carrying a few extra pounds, my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar - all that stuff is really good.  (Hub and I go the all the doctors we are supposed to faithfully on schedule.)  I am blessed to come from 2 families who enjoy long, healthy, lives.  Women who are 90-98, living at home on practically no medication is pretty much the norm.  Heck, my grandma toured China and hiked part of the Great Wall at 80!

You know where this is going, right?

My mom knows we have a nurse here and she wanted me to go.  I told her they have a bp machine right across from the fitness center and told her I would use it.  I nearly forgot, but I did on the way down to heat up my breakfast.  Yeah, it was high.

It may be a combination of factors, but I'm sure the largest is stress.

My challenge is that in 3 years I've been to 3 doctors - one no longer accepts my insurance and the other 2 sucked.  Everyone down here agrees that finding a good doctor is very difficult.  But I put on my big girl panties, logged on the UHC web site, and got the names of a couple of general practitioners in my town. 

I then ran into a colleague I know pretty well in the ladies room who lives in the same town.  She said it had taken her 3 tries but that she had found a good doctor (but she has different insurance).  Anyway, she sent me the name of her doctor and she was on my list from UHC.  So I am going to call TODAY and make a doctor appointment.

I need to take care of myself, and I can do a better job.  But also I may need support of a medical professional given my current stress levels.  Admitting that is hard, but denying it is foolish.

Thoughts for the day

Thought 1:  "Happiness is a gift you give yourself."

True.  We can focus on the things that are good and that bring us joy.  No circumstances are ever "perfect."

In a similar vein, Thought 2:

Also true.  There are circumstances we can't change - we all have them.  Wallowing in misery isn't very productive.  But forgiving yourself when you do makes it easier to move on. :-)

I am doing Jillian Michael's "Ripped in 30", which for me is more like "More Fit in 45" because no, I won't be "ripped" in 30 days even if I follow it to the letter.  And I am going to do the first week twice (at least) and ditto with week 2.

I am finding my current circumstances of having to "baby" my back very frustrating.  It has apparently decided to be tricky and easily overused.  After spending most of my adulthood at a pretty high level of fitness, I am finding my current low level of fitness beyond frustrating.  Not only that, I find myself using it as a measure of worth, which creates even more frustration.  And right now I don't need the extra stress - not that anyone ever needs that kind of bull crap.  Accepting where you are and going from there is much better than beating yourself up for where you are.

Got up this morning and took a nice walk.  Planned to work from home this morning before my dental appointment, but my computer fan is broken and won't turn on.  Waiting for tech services to call.  Ugh.

Hub is moving back to NC next week - Tuesday or so (depending on renting a trailer).  That leaves me down here alone.  We looked at a calendar and set a date - May 30 in stone.  If I don't have a job in NC by then, I am leaving anyway.  We will have enough money in savings to pay the bills for 3 months and hub should be earning something by then.  It's not ideal, but I can't stay in limbo forever.

So please send good employment thoughts my way.  Leaving a great company after 14+ years is a HARD decision to make, but reality is that even if we wanted to stay down here (which we don't for many reasons), we simply can't afford to without hub working full time.  And the construction industry down here is flooded with guys who were laid off, so finding work here is extremely difficult.  After 2.5 years of looking, hub has had 2 interviews - and he has 20+ years of experience and has a highly desirable skill set.  I'm taking that as a pretty clear signal that this isn't where we are supposed to be.

It's scary - one of the scariest things I've ever done (and I've done some scary things in my life), mainly because I have a family that depends on me - not just me. 

I call my girlfriends regularly, and we are headed to Jacksonville this weekend to visit friends.  I am flying to NC at the end of February for our son's birthday and we have a beach house in SC for a week in April for my birthday.  So I have plenty of good things to break up the time and for me to look forward to.

I made pretty good choices yesterday - I feel good about that!

Have a good day.

For all the crazy, my life is good

This was not the best weekend.

Saturday was fine.  We did the shopping and then decided to be total slugs - hanging out & watching movies.  Sunday started out pretty good.  We went to the beach.  It was breezy and felt good and I love the beach.

After that the day just went downhill.  I didn't feel well - physically or mentally.  I think part of it is stress, part was postponing lunch until 2 in the afternoon, and there is a cold going around.  I woke up with a headache and couldn't shake it. 

Tomorrow I get my new permanent top 4 teeth (and spend  $7500) and then I live with how they look for the rest of my life.  The good news is that tomorrow is the end of a long, expensive, stressful, dental journey. 

I got up this morning and took some cold medicine (and brought in a second dose for later).  I packed my breakfast and my lunch.  I am getting ready to go downstairs to the fitness center.  I am doing the right things. 

I am struggling with the big picture - with the plan. So I've decided to stop focusing on the long view and focus on the day to day.  That feels within my control - so much else just doesn't right this minute.  And I am tired of worrying about things over which I have no control.

Make good choices today!  Ultimately, that's all we can do.

Happy Weekend

I had a pretty easy day today, which was nice.  I found myself in a funk last nice over a disagreement with my mom.  That kinda sucked.

This weekend I am going to pack up some more stuff to send with hub, who will be heading to NC in less than 2 weeks.

Realizing you want to make a life change is hard: realizing you aren't currently in a position to do so is even harder.  But we'll get there.

Have a good weekend!

On the mend

Thanks for the good wishes Mrs Swan!  I am feeling much better today.

Besides feeling cruddy for a couple of days, I had really strained (or something) my back last week.  Not your usual "I worked out and now I'm sore", it was definitely a minor inury. 

So I took 4 days off exercise, today being my first day back at the fitness center.  I sat down with a spreadsheet to plan out exercise, to include at least 3 days of cardio, 3 days of weights, and 5 days of stretching or yoga.  I like having an organized plan so that you can see progress.

Here is a picture of the world's least attractive breakfast:

You are probably wondering what it is.  It's my version of a "burrito" - seasoned ground turkey, a few pinto beans, and salsa served over vegetables and topped with avocado.  Ugly but tasty and filling.  Also, its a way to get vegetables into breakfast.

Lunch for today is mixed vegetables and grilled chicken thigh over greens.  Dinner tonight is soup and chef salad.

I bought a plane ticket to fly up to NC next month for my son's birthday.  That will be nice.

Have a good day!

I'll be back

I've felt like poop since Monday night.  Really, really yucky.  Fortunately, I worked at home yesterday.  This morning I turned off the alarm and considered calling in dead.

But I reached into my proverbial suitcase of courage and put on clothes and went.  Anyway, I am still (mostly) alive, and will return when I feel more human.

Take care.

A nice way to start the week!

Got on the scale this morning and I'd lost a half pound over the weekend!  Woo hoo!  AND the commute seemed awfully easy - then I remembered it was a holiday.  Double woo hoo!

On the loss:  This weekend I made an effort to eat only at mealtime (I had one snack - during the football game).  The weekends generally find me grazing away since food is readily available.  I ate meals I enjoyed that were nutritious.  I might've even eaten a little more than normal, but not treating the weekend as a food "free for all" worked.  Who knew!?!

My office is open 24 hours a day every day of the year.  That may sound like a bummer, but the up side is that I get holidays in my vacation time, and can use them as I choose.  I really like that.  So I saved today's holiday for next month, when I am hoping to fly up to NC for my son's birthday.

Here's a good thought for the day, taken from the web site: 1950s Diet. 

I hope you have an excellent day!

Productive!

(How I will feel tomorrow morning.)

Yesterday we did grocery shopping.  In the afternoon I pulled all the "winter" clothes out (or what passes for winter clothing in south Fla), and tried every single item on.  I determined what fits, what doesn't, and what needed medning and/or ironing.

What doesn't fit has been moved, things have been ironed and/or mended, and clothing has been roughly organized so that tops that go with brown pants are with brown and tops that go with black are near black etc.

This should make getting dressed much easier in the morning and was overdue about 2 weeks (which is when it seriously began to "cool down").

This morning I did the food prep and then went to work on the mending/ironing I mentioned.  I have a couple more chores this afternoon, but overall I feel like I've gotten a lot accomplished this weekend.

My back is still bothering me from Wednesday.  I am using tiger balm and motrin, and taking it easy.  Gah. 

Anyway, it's been a good weekend.  I always feel better when I tackle stuff I've been avoiding, don't you?

Have a good day!

What I eat, what I don't

Typical weekday lunch.

Hub and I follow a low carb diet.  We don't eat processed food.  We avoid wheat (it bothers me, and bothers him even more).  We avoid sugar.  As a Native American, my husband is very sensitive to any form of simple carb, so we do our best to leave them out of our diet.

I don't worry too much about food labels (clean, primal, paleo) - we eat what works for us.

We eat meat, vegetables,some fruit, and some nuts and seeds.  We sometimes eat cheese or greek yogurt, but I don't keep a lot of cheese in the house for the simple reason that it is a serious trigger for me. 

Are we 100% compliant?  No.  We do have occasional foods that aren't on that list, but we don't keep them in the house as a general rule.  That way they don't become a habit.

I love certain flavors (like mexican), so I may do something like serve ground seasoned turkey and salsa over sauteed veggies.  A favorite way to make a wrap is to use a collard leaf.  I adapt foods and flavors that I like to foods we can eat.

I bought a spiralizer to turn zucchini into noodles.  When I make fried rice, I roughly chop bean sprouts and saute them - my family doesn't even miss the rice!

My eating has evolved over the years, especially since my husband was diagnosed as pre-diabetic.  Thankfully he never developed diabetes, but we need to be vigilant about our foods.  That's a pretty good motivation!   

Conflicted

The grandpuppies.  Because a post is always better if it starts with a cute dog picture!

So, I applied for a job up in Asheville NC.  I got my rejection letter yesterday.  I was seriously overqualified, but: it was a similar rol but in a new type of business, so I felt like it would offer some challenge and it was with a good company.  On the down side, Asheville has the highest cost of living in NC, and based from what we were seeing online, finding a good place for the homestead (at a reasonable price) might have proved a challenge.

So I am sorry I didn't get it, but we weren't sure that's where we wanted to land.

Hub hasn't worked since before Christmas.  It's been nearly 3 years since he has a full time job, so we are a 2 income family who has been operating on 1.5 incomes for nearly years.  Add a bunch of dental bills, and it's no wonder we are in such a tight financial situation.

In the meantime, hub will be headed back to NC in 2 weeks or so to look for work from there.  I am stuck here, alone, in a small rental until one of us gets a full time job.

Ugh.

Going for a walk.

Week in review

I was up 0.2 pounds this week - essentially stayed the same.  I'm okay with that, it was a difficult week.

I did have a better day yesterday and feel pretty good about today as well!  I went for a walk yesterday afternoon and my back was still really hurting - I clearly either overdid it or used bad form (which happens when I get tired).  Either way, I intend to add more moves in with my swings and start with fewer swings.  I love them because they get my heart rate up, but I need to not be so hurt I can't do anything else!  So, plan for today is a cardio video (back permitting) and my wonderful 30 minute stretch video.

Foodwise, I have packed my homemade burrito every morning and I am loving it so much I decided to make them again next week!

For lunch I brought the rest of the eggplant parm from dinner the other night (I only ate a little over half).  I will get a salad to go with it.  I also have a few almonds and an apple for a snack.

Dinner last night was baked flounder, sweet potato fries, and broccoli.  Tonight I am having nachos made with 2 corn tortillas baked (for the chips), ground turkey, refried beans, and avocado.  And salsa of course.  I am having another green salad on the side (I don't like lettuce on my nachos - I have this weird thing about cold foods on top of hot ones.)

Lunches next week are grilled chicken thighs in a salad.

No big plans for the weekend - pull out my sweaters and thicker pants!  And hub is cleaning my car.  We might get up Sunday and go for a walk on the beach - that would be nice.

I struggle at times with how much to put down here.  I feel like sometimes I come off as a whiner (and sometimes I am!), but I also have a lot of difficult things going on right now.  I try to be "real" and honest, but I don't want to put out all the details of my life either.  I continue to search for the middle ground.

Have a great weekend!

Blech

I am channeling my inner "grumpy cat" today.  I won't regale you with my tale of burned dinner and etc. that made me so cranky, but I was.

I did watch 2 good mvies on tv last night "He said, she said" - an old Kevin Bacon romantic comedy, and "The Big Year" which is a sweet comedy with Jack Black, Owen Wilson, and Steve Martin.

But I was still grumpy.

I had to get to work early this morning so AM walk will be a PM walk, like we did yesterday.  I did kettlebells yesterday: 15 minute cardio with light weights to warm up, 150 swings, followed by about 15 minutes of stretch.  I felt fine, but when I walked my back was KILLING me!  Why?  Ugh!

Last night, I ended up eating take-out eggplant parm (no pasta) (see comment about burned dinner) and snacking even though I was full.  Blech.

Today is a better day!  I will keep telling myself that until I feel it! :-)

It is cooler here today but I wore a long sleeved shirt rather than hunt up a sweater (they aren't exactly front and center in my closet).  I am wearing a jacket at my desk.  Brr.

Today will be a better day!!!

Good Morning

Good morning and happy Wednesday. :-)

This morning was a cool-ish rainy morning, but it had stopped by the time I got to work.  It is supposed to really cool down tonight (49).  I get to wear a sweater tomorrow!  Woo hoo!

I'm doing okay.  Monday I was feeling down, yesterday more positive, today more in the middle.  Focusing on the positive and all that. 

Overall I am happy with the implants and new crowns but I will be honest, I don't think they look as good as the bridge did.  With a bridge, there is a lot more freedom as far as the shape of the teeth (its hard to explain).  With an implant, where the top of the tooth is gets dictated by where the implant is, which is where the oral surgeon could find the bone to put it in!  As a result, my front teeth now start farther back in my mouth and lower.  Luckily, I have a low smile line (you don't see the tops of my teeth when I smile), so it won't be noticable to most people. 

On the plus side, these will last forever and won't damage more teeth!

Since it was rainy, hub and I agreed to walk this afternoon rather than this morning.

Food this week:

Breakfast burrito (ground turkey, refried beans, salsa).

Lunch = salad (surprise).  Using steak this week and a variety of veggies (zucchini, tomato, celery, carrot. and a few green olives).

Dinner last night: big green salad, deviled eggs, and lima bean soup made with a lot of veggies and some turkey smoked sausage (kinda like kielbasa).  My husband loves deviled eggs and lima bean soup, so he was very happy.

Dinner tonight is baby carrots and chicken in the crock pot, which will be served with quinoa and sauteed spinach (I need to use it up).

Evening snacking has been better this week, so that's good.

We have increased our AM walking distance and have been consistent.

Speaking of which, its about time for me to head to the fitness center.  Today is kettlebells!

Have a good day!

Checking In

A happier expression. :-)

Today I worked at home since I had a dental appointment.  My last trip to try on my permanent crowns was disappointing - I was NOT happy with how they looked.  My dentist is terrific - she took tons of notes & pics and today the result was MUCH better.  They need polishing and will be put in 2 weeks from today.  After nearly 2 years, my dental journey is coming to an end! Woo hoo!

Jordan, looking sad the morning we left.

Welcome back

We had a very nice weekend in Key Largo.  Sadly, by yesterday afternoon it was back to reality! :-O

Food is prepped for the week and laundry is done.  Suitcase is not unpacked.  Work computer has been sent away for fixing (fingers crossed).  I have a loaner and I think I got the files I HAVE to have for working over the next couple of days.

It was a wonderful weekend - I didn't want to come back!