Looking back, looking forward

Well, it's been a while since I posted - really posted about anything important in any case. I am going to make an effort to catch up here.

Work has been pretty stressful so far this year, and in the face of that plus hub's unemployment for a couple of months, I just felt overwhelmed. Given fears over the economy, our company has made instituted some cost saving measures. We did actually lose a couple of folks on our team. That was very difficult for me - I've never been through that before. The more ongoing nag are the goals we are expected to accomplish with little or no funding and (worse yet) what feels like not a lot of high level support. I work for a very good company and I know I "have it better" than a lot of folks. That's part of the reason this feels so frustrating for me. In any case, my boss is still good and our team is solid. The bummer there is that our boss has been sent to another office to "turn around" a troubled team whose manager just left. He's there at least 3 weeks. It's just been a tough adjustment coming off such a great year last year. And my projects feel pretty small in comparison. I'm not the only one, which is some solace.

Vacation was very good - the house was nice and we had a great time. Very relaxing. Towards the end I started feeling depressed about the thought of coming back and my weight and just a lot of stuff. Sigh. Then of course we got back and I got sick. In a way it was a blessing because the extra time away from work gave me an opportunity to do some hard thinking about how I was feeling and what I planned to do about it.

I feel like I’ve just let a lot of things go, stuck my head in the sand, and pretended they weren’t there. Not just my weight (although that too), but my declining fitness level, my detachment from my emotions (me? feelings?). Vacation was interesting in that I had large chunks of time to do what I wanted. I couldn’t even remember when I thought about what I really wanted. I spend so much time thinking about distracting things (money, bills, the house, the boy’s homework), that I don’t really give much thought to how I feel or what I’d like to do or what makes me happy. I had gotten so wound up I even lost touch with the basics of what it is that makes me happy.

I mean, I love my family, I am proud of our home, I enjoy my job. But what do I like to do with my spare time these days? I don’t really know. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything that I have a passion for - I just have a to do list. That feels sad to me. Even the medieval scroll project I am making for my husband doesn’t really thrill me right now.

So, what am I doing about it? Well, a couple of things.

1) I bought a book about meditation. I’d like to spend just a few minutes each morning/evening meditating. Sadly, I haven’t had time to start it yet! But I want to spend a few minutes this week reading the book at least!

2) Fitness. I received an unexpected check (one of those class action lawsuits that you don’t know about but you’re a part of) for $400 and I decided that rather than spending it on my house or my family or even my trip with hub next month, I would buy myself a birthday gift. I love my hub, but he really considered that stupid phone my birthday gift - like I gift a phooey about a phone - I just want one that works. That was his idea of a good gift - not mine. Anyway, I decided to spend the check on a personal trainer. I spoke to one of the employees at the gym and have a session today with the guy he recommended. I told him I wanted to work out once a week for 12 weeks, plus have him review my exercise overall as well as my eating.
Glenn (the trainer) asked me to stay off the scale & not obsess about counting calories at this point. For the next 3 weeks he just wants me to focus on making healthy food choices and enjoying my very difficult workouts! So that’s my plan. I have to say it feels good to be doing something for myself.

3) Long runs. My long runs (long for me) used to be one of my favorite times of the week. They were time I could just think without any worries about anyone else. No phone, just me. I am going to start making time for that again. I need the time to decompress if I am going to make any gains in my mental and physical well being.

So, how has this weekend been?

Excellent! Hub & the boy went to finish up the out of town job yesterday. Friday after work I gassed up the car and did the grocery shopping. They got started on the housework. Saturday I ran several errands, and I also managed to get everything put away from the beach trip. But I also make time to go for a walk and to sit & watch a TV show. I didn’t feel tired or worn out or resentful, which was a refreshing change of pace! I couldn’t believe how much I accomplished!
This morning has been odd. I woke up a 4 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got out of bed at 5 and went in and did my cooking for the week. That took until 7:30, and then I was tired, so I went back to bed! I slept until 9 and woke up feeling ready for the day! :-) Since then I’ve done a bit of housework, but made a point to stop when I started feeling stressed.

It’s about 11:40 now - my appointment with the trainer is at 2:30. Today I have to mop my bathroom floor and do my mom’s taxes. She does EZ, so that’s not bad. She’s coming over this afternoon. I even have tonight’s dinner already made! I may paint or not. I may sew - or not. I’ll work on what I feel like this evening, making sure I choose the thing I want to do, not the thing I “need” to do. I’ve been spending too much time on “need” lately - turning things into “need to do” that shouldn’t be in that category. One thing I won’t do is read a book - I’ve had about all the reading I could take while I was sick!

I hope that I use this blog more often while I am working with the trainer, not only to document what we’re doing, but also to keep a record for myself of what I accomplish.