No, I haven't abandoned this blog

Hi everyone (if I have any readers left!). Sorry I've been away so long. I've been dealing with some stuff - I am entering prei-menopause. Unfortunately, one of the side effects I am suffering is depression. I knew that, but I couldn't seem to marshal the inner resources to actually do anything about it. My husband basically ordered me to the doctor, which was a good thing. She put me back on the Welbutrin I was on 2.5 years ago. That time there were external reasons for my emotions, this time it is strictly an internal chemical situation. But Welbutrin worked well for me then, and it seems to be working well again this time. And now I am on a 24 hour pill versus 2 12 hour pills, so that is simpler.

Things had gotten pretty bad - I was using food (and beer) to self medicate, I'd stopped exercising, and my performance at work was suffering. Luckily, I was able to get help before there were any serious reprucussions - yeah, I slacked off at work for a bit, but I was still doing okay. I gained a few pounds and my fitness level declined, but that's alright - I am now in a frame of mind where I can deal with those things.

It's been a particularly rough couple of weeks, but it feels so good to be pulling out of that. This past weekend was my wedding anniversary - there are times my husband gets on my last nerve, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. This has shown me once again he truly meant that whole "for better or for worse" bit.

Anyway, I hope you understand why I wasn't comfortable posting this from my office computer! I may post from home more often so I can record here more of what is going on with this. Depression can have some of the same stigma as being overweight - it's seen (by some) as some sort of personal weakness or failure. The ironic thing is that I am highly successful in so many areas of my life that nothing could be farther from the truth! That's like saying that menopause is a character flaw - completely illogical. :-)

I started the medicine this past Saturday - I'm sure there may be some relief just from knowing that I'm not dealing with this burden alone. So many nights I sat in the living room with my husband thinking, "Can't he see something is wrong with me?!?!" And yet I couldn't open my mouth. I think it was sheer desperation that made me finally say something - and then just enough to get him to force me to act. But I'm glad I did.

This is my son's final week of school and then my schedule lightens up a bit (thank you retired grandparents!). So hopefully I will have a couple of months to recover, rest up a bit, and relax. I've already found I have a lot more energy and a desire to actually work on craft projects, as opposed to sitting in my chair like a lump.

It feels good to be getting back to the "old" me.