Rainbows and unicorns, currently unavailable

Sometime between leaving work and suppertime, I became very moody - restless, cranky, stomachache.  I have no idea why.  I ate dinner but thought it was yucko (it was eggplant parm and roasted broccoli, which normally I like). 

While watching tv, I was restless and told my husband I wanted something to eat.  He asked what and I replied "rainbows and unicorns!"  Which was my way of saying I wanted something yummy to fix my feelings. 

Thankfully we had neither rainbows nor unicrons in the fridge.  I did drink a beer and then went to bed.

I still don't know why I felt the way I did.  Hopefully tonight is better because overall I have been feeling much better.

Happy Friday!

blah de blah blah

So, some good things:

Hub is working.  He worked most of last week, all of this week, and this job looks like it will last another 1-2 weeks.  It seems like the temp work is picking up a bit, and I hope it stays that way a while!  Yay money!

On the way home yesterday, my husband stopped by the liquor store and got 38 boxes.  (Yes, this is considered excitement in my life!)  We are organizing some things this weekend with an eye to start going through our books, so having the boxes to pack them up in will be excellent. 

Hub isn't too bad, but I really need to cull through my books, again.  What can I say?  I love printed books and the library here has a small "friends of the library" shop that sells books - $1 for hardbacks and $0.25 for paperbacks.  For those prices its easy to take a chance on something you may not like!  And when I am done I generally donate them back, but it's time to review my collection.  Some are 'reference' type things around crafts or sewing that I want to keep, some are cookbooks, but I also have a lot of fiction and non-fiction.  However, I am also a person that re-reads books.  I just need to decide what is worth keeping to re-read and what can go.

It's been a long week.  I'm worried about not only my stepdad, but how our son is going to deal with it.  I know he (my stepdad) has a positive attitude and is getting the best possible care.  I am hoping that either the new medicine or another round of treatment will buy him more time. 

I'm doing better.  Yesterday I walked 3 miles (with hand weights) and there was no after dinner snacking.  It was like I was almost myself again!

I read a really good profile of a blogger I read regularly: http://www.livingasimplelife.com/jumping-off-the-treadmill/  I found it very encouraging message - "don't wait until things are perfect to follow your dreams".  That's very true.  Life is never perfect and we can't wait until the conditions are just right.  That's true for ANYTHING in life - not just weight loss or fitness.

Now, to apply that message to my own life!!!

Flow like water, bend like leaf

I think one of the plus sides of getting older is perspective.

It's no secret that the past month I've been extremely stressed.  I gained 3.4 pounds (not a huge deal), and some of my healthy eating & exercise habits faltered.  I am getting back on track.

I guess the thing is that when you are 47 and you choose to bury your nose in a book, you know things are very stressful, but it is also easier to recognize that you will move beyond them, that those things won't last forever.

Over this past weekend I really felt like I had turned a corner and was reclaiming my balance, and then this thing with my stepdad happened. 

Mostly I feel terrible for my son.  As it was with me, his grandparents are almost like a second set of parents to him.  I felt that way about my mom's parents as well.  For him, losing his grandpa will seem more like losing a father.  They are so close, and he is so young.

I'm not saying that's it.  There is a new drug the doctors are going to try.  He is at Duke, getting some of the best treatment available in the world.  But the reality is he has an incurable form of aggressive cancer.  There is no "you are cancer free" at the end with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  We were hoping for a longer remission period, but that doesn't mean that we are out of options.  And my stepdad is very positive and upbeat and is going to do his best to live as long and full life as possible.

I just wish I were closer to be more support. 

Yesterday was tough, but I did go to the gym.  I didn't do much, but I went.  Sometimes all you can do is continue.

My stepdad's cancer is back.  We knew it wasn't curable, only treatable, but still, less than a year of remission.  That's all I got today.

Crazy busy, kinda by choice

One thing about adulthood I don't like is how your whole weekend seems to get sucked up doing chores.  Ugh.

This weekend hub was out of town - he drove my mom back to NC.  So that meant I was home alone.

Saturday morning I got up early, packed their lunch and breakfast, and saw the family off.  Then I headed out and did the bulk of the grocery shopping.  Then I spent the rest of the day reading.  I needed that!

Yesterday I had to do everything else: housework, laundry, a few more errands, food prep for the week.  If it sounds like a lot of work it was!  I spent around 10 hours on it.  But I took breaks and at the end of the day I felt tired but more accomplished than I have in weeks.  I needed that too. :-)

Thought of the day

So Happy Its Thursday

I have exercised 4 days in a row. 

Things are feeling better.

I spotted this yesterday and had to share it because isn't that the truth?  Maybe 1 in 100 look like the pic on the left, and how we beat ourselves up when our success looks this the pic on the right instead!

Have a good one!

Slowly, better

This is a picture I took on a trip to the local Butterfly Garden.  Just including it because I thought it was pretty!

I'm doing better.  It's weird to have my house as packed up as it is.  But I've been focusing on little things: I got up and took a walk this morning.  I have several errands I don't want to do, so I wrote them down and am working on them a couple at a time.  That sort of thing.  You know, picking up boxes at the licquor store, cancelling our gym membership, those type things.  I hate doing stuff like that, I have no idea why.  I think in my past life I was a recluse. :-)

But hub is working in the city and isn't getting home until 6 or so, so I need to take care of what I can.  I'm jut so thankful he is working.  It's been pretty grim for temp construction down here, so we both are thankful for that.

Have a good one.

A corollary to my last post

Wipeout

Have you ever been riding your bike (or running, or walking) and you hit a patch of gravel (or water or mud) and next think you know, you are on all fours, dirty, bleeding, and wondering what just happened?  (Please say I'm not the only one this graceful!).

I mean, intellectually, you know exactly what happened, but its taking a few minutes for your brain to catch up with your new muddy reality.

So, my life has been like that the past 3 weeks or so: buffeted by some very unexpected stressors (small, fairly significant, medium-ish) in rapid succession, I'm just now feeling that maybe my mind is beginning to catch up.  For the past 3 weeks nothing has been processed, I've just gone through the motions of day to day living.

But I do remember that I committed to making some efforts at stress reduction.  I don't even remember what they were.  Good thing I blog: I'll have to go back and look. :-)  In any case, you can imagine how successful they've been.

This morning I went downstairs and did a cardio video, then popped in a yoga video (I've done my stretching video a couple of times, but this was my first attmept at yoga in 3 or so weeks).  I made it 5 minutes.  Seriously, I was unable to be that mentally quiet more than 5 minutes.  I turned off the tape and went on with my day.

It's not that all my good habits have been abandoned - they haven't.  But bad ones have crept back in.  And mainly its just been rough - remember me writing about the fact that my resilience is broken?  So when stuff happens it isn't pretty.

Last time I took a pretty good spill on  my bike I was a couple miles out on a trail that goes several miles straight into the Everglades.  After I stood up and was scared and bleeding, I didn't have any real choice except to get back on the bike and ride it back to the car.  Life is like that sometimes, whether you are prepared or not, cooping well or poorly, time marches on.  And you have to go on.

I'm beginning to think again of changes I'd like to make to reduce my stress.  Maybe this time I will get a chance to work on them. :-)

Random

Last night I went outside with the dogs and it was raining a bit.  There was the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen relaxing on our pool fence.  His body was over 6 inches, with a wing span of 8 or so!  He was still there this morning but one of the dogs startled him and he flew away.  He was like something out of "Jurassic Park".

My favorite work shoes have died (the heel literally split).  They are 3 years old and I wear them several times a week, so its not like I didn't get my money's worth!  I bought them back in NC - I have been unable to find work shoes here.  Women's shoes seem to fall into 1 of 2 categories: boots or scary high heels.  Since I can't walk in crazy high heels and boots with capris does not align with my conservative sense of style, I am doomed to be barefoot.  I have one other pair of black, open toed, not too high shoes left from NC.  They are more casual, but I will have to make do.  I went looking again last weekend.  Nothing. Sigh.  Kohl's, you've let me down!

Risk taker?

First of all, thank you Plum Petals for your kind comments!

I am not a risk taker.  Both my parents worked at a job for 30+ years and now collect a pension.  Those days are mostly over.  I don't care to argue whether that's a good or bad thing, that's just what it is.  Both by personality and watching my family, I'm not one to go out on a crazy, high risk adventure.

I admire people that can do it, it's not just me.  Right now I am trying to walk a line of making choices that offer a range of outcomes.  I don't know what my life will look like in 6 months, and that's both scary and exciting.  I am trying to find my way into trying new things while doing the responsible thing for myself and my family, you know?

For me, part of what makes it tough is the fact that I have a child who still depends on me for health insurance.  That keeps at least one of us tied in to a certain style of work.

Things have been crazy stressful lately, and this weekend was no exception.  I realized this morning (as I bought a muffin to go with the healthy breakfast I brought from home) that I've been using food to cope with stress.  Again.  Sigh.

I cut the muffin in half and threw the second half away.  On my lunch break I will be using the fitness center for a cardio video and some yoga.

I know the healthy things to do, and do many of them.  But it's easy to let old habits creep back in when we are on auto-pilot.

My goal for this week isn't to be perfect, just to be mindful.

Happy Monday!

Why I no longer watch HGTV

In the early days, I really loved HGTV.  They had some great design shows as well as shows either on crafts, or as part of design shows things you could make for your home.  I felt like they gave really good ideas.

My MIL watches HGTV pretty much all day.  I'd fallen out of the habit (try watching "House Hunters" while really looking for a house.  Guaranteed to make you physically ill.) 

From what I saw, the shows these days seem to fall into 2 camps: couple whining about how the HAVE to get $800,000 for their house (even though the realtor told them to list it at $500,000) in order to get what they WANT.  Or people gleefully taking sledge hammers to perfectly good, yet dated bathrooms. 

I get that a 1950s pink bath isn't everyone's taste.  But if it isn't yours, for God's sake at least have the decency to remove the fixtures and donate them to ReStore.  That donation helps the working poor gets homes, and crazy people that LIKE pink bathrooms get the pink toilet of their dreams. 

I guess my question is this, when did the shows, and the people on them, get so mean?  Heck, when did our society get so mean? 

ps. I'm a crazy person who would love a vintage pink bathroom!

Facing future, with hope and trepidation

This has been a post a long time rolling around in my brain, but very tough to write about for two reasons:

1. It's about the loss of dreams, and failure, and what does failure say about who we are as people.  But it is also about finding new dreams in the ashes of the old.
2. It's been a struggle for me to balance what I want to share and what I don't want to.  I am not one to post something and pull it down - I don't even put it into draft if I'm not sure.

  When my husband and I met, he was living in Maryland and I was in NC.  I had finished grad school, had an established career at a Fortune 50 company, and owned a home.  Hub was renting a duplex with a friend and working in construction.  His situation made it easier for him to move, so he packed up, quit his job, and moved down to be with me.

For all of our marriage, I have been not only the primary bread winner, but my job was also the one that provided our family with benefits.  Construction can be tough, and there have been times when hub's work situation meant he job hopped or did temp work.  But the fact that I had a good paying job with benefits also meant he had the luxury of following his dream of having his own business.  As it turns out, he realized that he didn't really enjoy being a small business owner and went back to traditional employment, but he had the opportunity. 

So when my company closed our office in NC, it made sense that we would relocate so I could keep my job.  It was when the economy was near its worst and central NC didn't offer a lot of job opportunity.  It seemed the safer course to move, and so we did.

To say it has been a disaster on many levels is a pretty big understatement.  We don't like this area (our son hated it and left to finish high school in NC with his grandmother).  My husband has been unable to find work and has been doing temp work, which takes a pretty big mental toll on him.  The cost of living is much higher and with my husband's income being all over the page, it has been a huge stress and created a lot of financial strain.

I work for a great company and have a really good boss and co-workers.  But when your family isn't making it financially, when do you say enough?  What do you do if the job you are contenplating giving up is the source of your family's benefits.  (NC refused the federal funding for health care.  Private insurance in NC would cost our family roughly $10,000 a year, which we obviously could not possibly afford).

What if you realize that you would like the opportunity to pursue your dream?  Even if it means giving up "the American dream" and moving in with family while you re-establish?

There are work dreams I'd like to pursue - as a couple we would like to purchase some land on which to have a small homestead.  If we do that have I failed at my corporate career?

It's been very hard, but we have decided to sell our home and rent something down here for a while (I don't know what a while is).  The couple that want to buy our house are renting month to month in the neighborhood, but the property they are renting is being foreclosed on.  So if we didn't sell to them pretty soon, they would likely have to get something else and we could potentially lose our buyers. 

We live in south Florida, where the market is still pretty bad.  We never even put our house on the market.  This couple knows us from the neighborhood, heard we were thinking about selling, and asked to come look at our house.  Given that is our primary source of debt (thankfully we are very careful about debt!), selling this house and breaking even/making a small profit when we bought it less than 3 years ago would be a big burden lifted.  It was give us flexibility and time to plan our next move.

While my mom has been down here, we have been busy packing up the breakables - the china, dishes we don't need, etc.  Mainly the fragile stuff.  We've rented a moving truck etc.  We have a place to rent that is month to month.  We are moving out of our home at the end of November.

Its isn't the final destination - its the first step on a new path - we're not quite sure where it even leads!  Do I keep my job and just rent?  For how long?  I've been looking for a virtual position but there aren't many and the company is downsizing, so its been slim pickings.  

There are a lot of questions.  Giving up our home when I've been a home owner for over 15 years feels a little like failure.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to follow my dream - not society's, or anyone elses!  And if this can make it easier for me (and my husband!) to do that, then its right for us, even if its hard. 

Melatonin is my friend

I'm back to not sleeping well.  The past couple of weeks I've been back in the pattern I was in a few years ago when 3-4 nights a week I would wake up in the middle of the night and be awake for 2-3 hours.  It sucks.

Luckily, my mom reminded me that I have a bottle of melatonin, which I've used in the past with some success.  Friday night I took half a pill, and felt like a zombie Saturday morning.  So Saturday night I took a quarter of a pill, and Sunday morning I woke up a bit tired, but felt good.  We went to the beach, I got my chores done around the house (most of them anyway!), and I felt much more rested.

Then for some reason I decided not to take one Sunday night.  Dumb.  I woke up at 2, was awake until 4:30, and then dozed for 15-20 minutes at a time until I got up just before 6.  I threw my dirty hair into a ponytail, hald packed lunch and breakfast, came to work, and bought a diet pepsi.

Last night I cut 2 pills into quarters and took one.  Ah, sleep.

I haven't checked my personal email in over a week.  I've been so wiped by the time I get home, I haven't even bothered with the computer.  I have a long post I've been rolling around in my head and know I want to get it down in the next couple of days.

I'm doing better.  Thanks for reading, and commenting.  I appreciate it very much!

Yesterday, I went to the beach

Briefly

We had a really nice time visitng my great aunt in Georgia.  I don't really have a very large family, and (on my dad's side at least) the dynamic is kinda odd.  But the family I do have is very important to me, and going to see my 94 year old great aunt is a priority.  And my mom and I generally have a lot of fun on these trips.

I've been waffling back and forth about what to post (or not) here.  I have been honest about the tremendous amount of stress I'm feeling, but pretty vague about reasons.  I don't know how much detial I'm comfortable sharing, so I've opted for undersharing.

But we have made some (hard) decisions and plans, and things seem to be moving forward.  Not in any sort of ideal way, because there are certain factors simply beyond my control.  But moving, as scary as the future looks right now.

Have a good day and once I've gotten my thoughts together, I'll be back. 

Headed out of town

A good representation of what has been happening around here. :-)

This week has been sort of an epic fail as far as stress reduction, otoh, I am here and writing.  It has been a really shitty week.

We are leaving for Georgia in just a few minutes.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting out of here for a couple of days.

Have a good weekend.

Monday

Kinda how I'm feeling today. :-)

I avoided the computer all weekend, sadly I also avoided the beach due to it raining, and raining, and raining.... which was a bummer.

I am taking a 4 day weekend for my mom & I to go to Georgia and visit my great autn.  We are leaving Friday morning.  I plan to post a couple of times between then & now, but I don't plan to take my computer with me.

Anyway, hope you had a good weekend!

A muscle or a circuit, I can’t think of a good analogy

I have heard resilience described as a muscle, that we can train and make stronger.  That may well be true.  But you can also over train a muscle, doing significant damage and making it so that the simplest of everyday tasks (sitting down, lifting your arms to dry your hair) and be painful or even impossible.

I think that is true of resilience as well – we can over use the muscle, or force too much current through the circuit, blowing it out.  What happens next is like our over training story, where you walk down the stairs backward because you can’t go down them the normal way, or you decide to put your hair into a ponytail and skip the blow out.

That’s where my life is right now.  In the span of 1 year I dealt with 2 deaths in the family, buying and selling a home, moving a significant distance away from my support network, marital stress, job loss (my husband’s – and he still hasn’t found a job 2+ years later), a child who suffered significantly as a result of the move, and of course all the minutiae that comes along with trying to move your family and deal with everyday life and never knowing whether your husband will be working or not.  (He’s been doing temp work.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks.  Right now it sucks.)

Yesterday was a bridge too far and I was reduced to a crying mess and went to bed at 8 because I just couldn’t cope any more.  It doesn’t even need to be a big thing (I would describe yesterday as medium), but when the muscle is over worked or the circuit is blown, the amount of the extra load doesn’t matter – the answer is going to be “no.”  I can’t handle life’s bumps – my ability to do so is completely used up.

Ugh, you know?  Some days, just ugh.  In the meantime......