In Search of... A Magic Bullet (Kind of)

I have a cold - gah. I went to bed last night at 8 with a cup of hot tea and a handful of cough drops. Being sick, I haven't been to the gym in a couple of days. Every time I start to get into a routine, I get derailed by something.

Anyway, I have settled on a schedule of the following: 3 days/week: 30 minute cardio session - intervals. 3 days/week: cardio warm-up, total body workout, cardio cooldown, 1 long walk/run. I need to figure out what that total body workout looks like. I know that I have turbulence training and access to CrossFit, so I should be able to come up with something that will get the job done in a short period of time. Push ups, squats, walking lunges, assisted pull ups, mountain climbers. It's not hard to find something to do. I've just gotten really bored with "traditional" weight training programs, which is why (I think) I've struggled with doing it.

I never finished my cooking for the week, and being sick I just have no energy. Last night the hub had to work late, and I took him dinner. I got home and simply heated up an organic tv dinner and called it good. Tonight I have some spagetti sauce in the freezer and the makings of an excellent salad. After that ...??? I'm just glad it's nearly the weekend, so I can get caught up on my house work, on my cooking, and maybe even catch a rest. My poor husband has to work both days of course. I'm just glad his boss agreed to give him January 12th and 13th so he can get a rest. Hopefully this crazy schedule will ease up by the end of January.

I am ending this year significantly heavier than I started it. Unfortunately, the same thing can be said for 2006 as well, so that's not good.

I know I've written before (at least a bit) about my rather disfunctional relationship with my dad. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. As a child, his way to motivate me was to make me fear failure. Maybe that works for some people. It doesn't work for me.

I have found that as I have gotten older, the stakes have gotten increasingly higher. I had a child, then bought a house, then got (re)married. I now have a family, a mortgage, and I am the primary bread winner. When I was young, if I failed at something, I just picked myself up and moved on. Now I have a family counting on me. Failure isn't an option.

The problem is you don't achieve great success without takings risks. That horrid fear instilled in childhood has become paralyzing fear in my adult life. I am so afraid to fail that I am afraid to try. I got so close to my goal weight that I was afraid. Then I started a new (more stressful) job, and I fear failure. So its easier to not try. To use food as a crutch. I need to relieve the pressure but I don't know how.

I don't have answers. I do know I have to find a better way to face my fears.