Day 3 - random thoughts

I've been doing Allan's Phase 6 diet for 3 days now. I went to check his blog today and it looks like he may quit blogging. That makes me sad, but I understand that most people don't blog for more than a couple of years. Whatever he does, I will continue to do this on my own, although I will certainly miss the support of doing it as part of a group.

The purpose of the first part is to get you accustomed to smaller portions. If you've been eating too often and frequently too much when you eat, this is HARD. My stomach is singing Ave Maria and I am couting down the minutes until lunch time (22 to go). All I can say is that this sucks, but I've reached a point where I'm 50 pounds overweight, and that sucks more.

Lots of folks who blog about weight loss talk about how they've been overweight all (or most) of their lives. I wasn't. I was never overweight until I needed to lose the baby weight after my son was born, and I haven't been overweight all those years since. But the seeds were sown in my childhood I think.

For one, food was very much equated with love. I can remember my great grandmother weighing me every day when I went to visit. She was literally trying to "fatten me up". Given the hardships she endured, raising 3 children between the world wars in Germany, fear of lack of food remained very real for her her whole life. Feeding her family was the single most important thing she could do. And on my mom's side you have all these awesome southern cooks who grow food and are proud to prepare and serve it.

In my teen years food became a form of rebellion. I was a hearty eater and my dad and his wife used to criticize my portions, telling me I'd gain weight if I kept eating like that. I was maybe 12 or 13 and maybe weighed 100 pounds. I ate because it pissed them off.

In the Army food became even more of a comfort - it was one of the few pleasures you could enjoy in basic training or while out in the field for extended periods of time. You're cold, hot, wet, tired, dirty - living in a tent, doing physically difficult things. Food becomes a real "treat".

I've gotten overweight 3 times since the boy was born - all were a result of my using food as a comfort or to stuff down emotions. I've lost the weight twice - now it's time to do it again.

There's no point in beating myself up for re-gaining weight. I can't change the past. I can control my choices in the here and now while trying to modify the underlying causes of turning to food - looking for substitutes if not solutions.