Moving along

I had to go to the oral surgeon's office yesterday, so I worked at home and was busy and forgot to post.

Things are okay - I've walked the past 2 mornings (outside) which is a really pleasant way to start the day.  The weather is just really terrific right now - it was breezy and 70 when I walked this morning.  Awesome!

I keep writing myself notes to remind myself about things we need to do - I think I have about 50 random lists floating around!  Even though I am living in chaos, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and am feeling calmer about stuff, so that's good.

I hope you are doing well!

My sentiments, exactly!

Changing my strategy

I had a run of several difficult days last week.  I was just very down, my energy was low, and I felt overwhelmed by the things I needed to do.  As a result, I didn't get very much done, and the further I fell behind, the more overwhelmed I felt.  One night I even did a proverbial tap out and asked my husband to get take-out.

Saturday I got my grocery shopping done, but that was about it.  Saturday night I realized I was in real trouble - the reality is we are packing and there is a firm deadline and stuff has to get down or I will have a real problem. 

So Saturday night I decided I needed a different strategy.  All those days, I not only felt my feelings but I allowed them to determine my actions (or lack thereof).  I have feelings, but I am not only my feelings, and I can decide how much they will control my actions.  And my feelings needed to have no control over my actions.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.  I decided it was okay to feel down or whatever, but I needed to take care of the things I needed to get done as a way of taking care of myself.

Yesterday we got up, walked the dogs, walked ourselves, and then I made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen.  Then I spent 4 hours doing food prep and cleaning up after myself.  Then I took a nice long break (after roughly 6 hours on my feet I needed a break).  Then I spent 2 hours sorting and packing my CDs.

I realized I also needed a different strategy for the week as well.  I normally come in to work early and leave early, but the reality was that I wasn't getting anything done in the afternoon.  So, effective this morning I "swapped" my schedule.  I got up at 6 but then spent 1.5 hours cleaning the house (I did the dishes, organized packing materials, and gave the master bath a thorough cleaning).  Then I took a shower, ate breakfast, packed my lunch, and came in to work. 

We did not get the movies down like we wanted to.  We both worked very hard yesterday and were pretty pooped last night.  We agreed we would do half tonight and half tomorrow.  That gets us back on schedule.

I won't lie - my husband thinks the garage is "ready" and he is deluded.  There are also several items that I have realized still needed to be done I'd either forgotten about or hadn't considered.  But I think my strategy of spending 1.5-2 hours in the morning prior to work for the next 2 weeks will get the inside of the house where it needs to be.

As far as the garage, I plan to accept that it is out of my control and make myself scarce. :-)

Hope you had a good weeked.

I did a LOT of food prep done this weekend so my breakfasts (turkey meatloaf), lunches (salad and homemade falafel) are done and a lot of pre work has been done for suppers since I'll be getting home 2 hours later than normal.

This is not my preferred schedule, but its only for 2 weeks.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend

Have I used that as a title before?  Probably - I do have an unnatural affection for 80's rock, still.

Looks like hub is working tomorrow, which is good on the money front, bad on the time front.  I haven't figured out how to feel about which is more important at this point, so whatever.

For the third week in a row, his paycheck was messed up.  Between that & a couple of other things, I was in a crummy mood when I headed home for the day.  Ugh.

Anyway, my list just keeps getting longer and I don't know whether to laugh or cry about it, you know?  So I vote neither - just move on.

I got up this morning and did a couple of things around the house which helped get the day off to a productive start, which is nice.  Positive attitude counts for a lot!

Anyway, no real substance to this.  Hope you have a nice weekend!

Random thought about sleep

Thought brought to you by a Febreeze commerical.  I'll explain:

I was watching tv yesterday and saw a commerical for a new line of Febreeze products called "sleep serrenity" (or something like that).  It's sprays, diffusers, misters, whatever that come in scents that are supposed to promote sleep.  The one they mentioned first was a lavendar one.

Now, I know that lavendar is supposed to help promote sleep and I use it myself.  My beef with this Febreeze stuff is 2-fold:

1. I don't think its probably a good idea to be whiffing a bunch of chemicals all night long.  I'm pretty careful about the cleaning products I use because I just don't believe all those chemicals can possibly be good for us.  I'd rather open my windows (weather permitting) and get fresh (fresh-ish anyway) air.
2. I do think lavendar helps to promote sleep.  That's why one of my night time rituals is to mist our pillows with diluted lavendar essential oil.  I bought a bottle of organic essential oil at Whole Foods a couple of years ago and I've finally about used it up.  I have a small spray bottle that I fill with water and add 10 or so drops of oil, then spray it on the pillows.  I suspect that bottle cost less than buying 2 of the febreeze products and has lasted a LOT longer.

Bleh

Do you make yourself  "to do" lists?  I do, all the time - both at work and at home.  It helps keep me focused, feeling accomplished, and keeps me from forgetting stuff!  The other day I was on the phone with my mom on the way in to work and remembered something that we needed to get done out in the garage.  By the time I got to my office, I had forgotten.  Halfway through my morning workout I remembered I had wanted to remember something, but had forgotten what it was.  I finally remembered 10 hours later, making myself mental in those 10 hours struggling to remember!  (Please say I'm not the only one.)

Yesterday I had a list of something like 8 or 9 non work related items.  Because hub almost always has a longer coomute than me, the things he could do (stop by Publix for 2 things) I usually do, and then the list contains some things (fix supper) that are always on my list.  Still, that was a lot for a workday!  And I got all but 2 of them done, so that was pretty good!  The only down side was that one of the items I didn't get done was a biggie: sorting music.  It HAS to be done before the weekend - meaning this evening or tomorrow evening.  This weekend already has like 6 items on the list, not including the usual shop, food prep, etc. type items.  And one of them is another biggie; sorting through movies (we have a ton of movies).  And that one needs to be done with hub since we keep our music separate, but movies are joint.  I am going insanse.

I did walk outside yesterday, which was very nice, but it still felt like a mentally "off" day.  I'm not sure why.  Last night it seemed like my sleep wasn't very deep and I had weird dreams (I remember 2 of them: one was that the chihuahua ate a bunch of carpet and threw up everywhere (???) and the second was that I started a business making hats (???)).  Dreams are weird.

Did I mention that some dear friends from California are going to be in Florida soon?  Michael has family here which he wants to visit (main reason for trip), but we are all making a run down to Key West together next weekend!  Which crunches our already tight timeline, but friends and mental health have to take priority over schedules.  This is something I know to be true but still have to remind myself of, because it goes against my nature.  I don't want my tombstone to say something like "Never saw the Grand Canyon, but you could eat off her kitchen floor."  Yeah, that would be me if I didn't work hard at reminding myself what's really important.  June Cleaver incarnate. :-)

Halfway through the week

Heh heh heh.  I didn't even pull up as I am working from home today. :-)

I read a quote yesterday and I thought it perfectly captured how I've been feeling lately: "It’s easier to mourn what’s gone than be grateful for what’s left. But what’s left is all we’ve got."

I don't know whether I've just been "down" or "depressed" - for that matter, I don't know what the difference would be.  Or if its just anxiety.  But I know I've been anxious, frustrated, nervous, sad, etc.  And I haven't been the easiest person to be around.

Hub worked the weekend and had Monday & Tuesday off.  I left him a pretty long "to do" list Monday, but he got most of it done.  Yesterday I asked him to clear off his book shelf (because I will need to use it) and reboot the dishes.  I don't know what all he did yesterday, but when I got home those 2 things were not done.

I was pissed and it showed.  And I was already stressing about money because, well, because.  Anyway, after a quick stop at the house to drop off stuff & change, I had to run to the dr's office.  When I got there the receptionist offered me a bottle of cold water and 2 motrin.  Yeah, I looked that good.

I realized that I have been very "me" centered in this move, which is basically what my husband was guilty of during the first move, and it sucked.  Yeah, I was mad that he hadn't done the things I needed him to do, but I was also frustrated about things that neither of us can control.

Anyway, the kindness of the water and motrin soothed my soul, and I got home in a better mood.  Today I made a pumpkin pie using fresh pumpkin that I baked last weekend and I am making a nice dinner: zucchini noodles with homemade meatballs (also made last weekend) and sauce and a salad.  I also bought him a sweet card.

Sometimes I forget that we are different people - different strentghs and weaknesses, we process things differently, and we aren't always on the same wavelength.  But that doesn't mean he doesn't work hard or love me or have feelings.  I hope the pie & card & nice dinner will let him know that I do recognize the things he does - the biggest of which is let 95% of my moodiness roll straight off his back. :-)

A thought or two about fitness and weight loss (for a change!)

Do you read this web site? http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/  If you don't, I would highly recommend it.  The lady who has the site is a free lance wrtier and personal trainer who has maintained a loss of around 170 pounds.  Her articles are always well researched and well written.

Anyway, yesterday she had an article about the mental aspects of what its like to lose a lot of weight and what that does to your sense of identity.
http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/blog/losing-weight-and-losing-identity/

It's a very common theme and I've read a lot of posts & articles on the topic.  Hers was very well written and I enjoyed it a lot, but it got me thinking about something I've noticed: these articles are mainly written by women (occasionally men, but generally women) who have been overweight for their entire lives.

Once I thought about it, I realized that most of the blogs I read are written by women who have been overweight for all (or most) of their lives.

Which begs the question: Is it just that I've chosen those particular blogs or are most "weight loss" blogs written by women who have always been overweight?  If so, why?  And what about women who were a healthy weight for most of their life but gained weight later in life and are working to lose it?

Does that second group not feel the need to blog as much?  Do they struggle less with the mental aspects and therefore don't feel like they need the "therapy" of writing about it or the emotional support a blog can provide?

If you've been overweight for less time, does it affect you less?  And how can we really even answer that question?  The two groups are mutually exclusive, so its not like you can have first hand knowledge of how people in both groups feel.

If you've never read my back story: I was a thin child.  Honestly, I was probably one of those who are thin but "overfat" because while my weight was perfectly fine, I rarely exercised until I joined the military.  I didn't have any muscle definition, but not many girls do in their teens do (at least not back then).  Anyway, after that I was in the Army for 8 years and while I wasn't "skinny" (I was generally a size 8), I was a healthy weight and very fit.

Even after I left the Army and had a child I maintained a healthy weight until my mid 30s.  Then I gained weight (30 pounds), lost it, gained it back.  Obviously I felt the need to reach out to others and connect via writing about it, and have continued to write in this blog for several years, both during the loss and as I dieted my way back up the scale!

I've never needed to lose 100 pounds.  I was never teased about my weight as a child (although I was an introverted geeky girl, so I was teased from time to time, just not about my weight).

Does that make my issues with my weight less? Or mean that I don't struggle with identity as I lose weight?  I don't think so, although I will say I think my issues may be somewhat different. 

I'm not trying to say anyone's struggle is more or less than anyone's elses.  I just think it is interesting that I haven't found a lot out there written from the perspective of someone who has been overweight a relatively small percentage of their life.  And that is too bad because I would like to hear from that point of view as well.

Well, enough deep thoughts. On with the day!

Work it like a house elf

(I was an early harry Potter fan.)

Friday I had to run a couple of errands on the way home.  Like 2: Target and the Publix by my house.  OMG.  You would have thought it was black Friday judging by the Target parking lot.  And people were above and beyond jerky, even for here! And a mob scene!  WTF?!?!  By the time I got home all I was good for was couch surfing and a double feature: "Super Troopers" and "Beerfest".  (Sometimes, I have terrible taste in movies.)  I seriously considered take-out, but my husband got home late (7:30) and by then I pulled myself together enough that I made dinner.  Crowds and traffic really freak me out.

Saturday I was feeling a bit off kilter, but got up, made my shopping list, and got my grocery shopping done.  My mom's birthday is on Thanksgiving this week and my MIL's is Dec 2 - I found a nice puzzle set for MIL and a nice bath set of her fav body spray and hand lotion that can be from das boy.  So that was good.

After I got the groceries put away, I decided to sit down a few minutes and watch part of a movie from Netflix. It's one I wanted to see and the hub had no interest in, and since he was working it seemed like a good time.  It's called "The Baader Meinhof Complex ".  I sat and watched the whole thing, riveted.  It's a look at Germany's terrorist group, The Red Army Faction (RAF), which organized bombings, robberies, kidnappings and assassinations from the late 60s through the 80s.

It isn't up everyone's alley I'm sure, but even when I was living in Berlin at the end of the Cold War, the RAF was still around and considered a threat.  So it was interesting to me 1) to see how the group started and 2) watching the movie reminded me what it was like to live in a place where political activism (sometimes violent) was commonplace.

Anyway, Saturday wasn't the most productive day, but I got a bit of cleaning up, laundry, and the shopping done.

Sunday I woke up feeling really good and had a super productive day.  I did NOT get my CDs organized (I have a lot, and I really need to sort through them).  But I finished cleaning, food prep, laundry, and the last box of books is packed!  Huzzah!  I will work on CDs in the evenings this week. I know a lot of people now just store their music on their computer or in the Cloud or whatever.  But I like to have physical copies of my favorite CDs, that I can listen to when I want.  OTOH, there are some I never listen to that can get donated.

I also got in the pool yesterday, but I think it is gettign too chilly to do more than dangle my feet in the side!

Hope you had a good weekend!

Random Friday Cute

Courtesy of Cheezburger.  Have a nice weekend!

TGIF (The usual Friday title)

Dear Diary,

You won't believe what I did last night.  I cooked dinner!  And it was healthy and everything!!!  Who am I??  Hee hee.

Love,
Me

That's kinda how I feel about it, but yeah, I got a healthy supper on the table.  I'm a big fan of one pot meals (especially the crock pot!), but a close second is a "one baking sheet meal."

Last night I halved & cleaned a sweet dumpling squash (think I prefer acorn and butternut, but still good) and popped it in the microwave for 5 minutes.  While that was cooking I cut up some brussel sprouts and wrapped a piece of salmon and spices in foil.  I put everything on a baking sheet, popped it in the oven for 25 minutes, and served it up.  It felt so nice to eat a simple, healthy meal.

We did make some air popped popcorn later for scary movie watching, but it was a very quiet evening.  I got up early again this morning, rebooted the dishwasher, made hub's salad for lunch, packed my lunch & breakfast, AND packed up a couple more boxes of books!  I think I have one more box of books to do and I am done! (We are using liquor store boxes so they won't be too big & heavy.)

This weekend I am sorting through music, which should be A LOT easier.  I have a bunch I am donating, but I still probably have too many books.  Everything from children's books which belonged to my parents to paperbacks I picked up in college and have read at least a dozen times over the years.  I will probably cull through them again (it's a never ending process) but my donate pile is most impressive!

I went to the fitness center yesterday, but didn't get outside for a walk.  (I think it will be easier after time change, and after I have caught up on my house chores.)  Still and all, yesterday was a  pretty good day.

I talked to my boss about my oral surgery schedule and have permission to work from home a few days over the holidays.  With the vacation days, that means I'll be able to spend two weeks with my family!  Yes, I will have to work some days, but still - awesome!

Nice way to start the weekend! :-)

Change in Strategy

Yesterday was a bad day.

I had a message when I got in to work from the dentist office wanting to change an appointment.  When I called, the office lady (Ellen, who is very nice and I consider a friend) just said the Dr. N (dentist) had met with Dr. K (oral surgeon) about my case and wanted to move an appointment.  I asked some questions that I asked last time and didn't get answered (do I *HAVE* to have temps, how long would I wear them for, what would they cost).  Ellen didn't know.  I got upset and told her how frustrated I am that I ask questions and feel that I don't get answers. 

Anyway, Dr. N called me back and said "I thought we cleared all this up last time you were here."  Uh, no.  Anyway, yes, I have to have temps and they will cost $1000.  I cried.  If you had told me at the start that I would have to pony up $17,000 over the course of 18 months, there is no way I would have done this now.  But its too late since I have no upper front teeth.

Anyway, I cried on the phone with the dentist and told her how frustrated I felt that these unexpected charges keep popping up and that I feel like things aren't being explained clearly.  I like her very much and she feels like she's explaining stuff, but I think there are things she assumes that I just don't know.

(I probably owe Ellen some flowers - she is always the recepient of my dental angst.)

I got home from work and just cried.  I had tamales and beer for dinner.  Hub had leftovers.  I got nothing accomplished.

This morning I woke up at 5.  Since I was awake (and feeling pretty decent for someone who had garbage for dinner), I decided to get up and get some stuff done.

Before I came in to work I:

• Made coffee and a pitcher of iced tea
• Checked to make sure we have enough breakfast and lunch fixings since hub is working Fri, Sat, and Sun
• Made boiled eggs to go in his lunch
• Packed my lunch
• Made him a To Do list since he is home today
• Sorted through a huge stack of mail
• Packed up several boxes of books
• Made and ate a very yummy breakfast (a greek omelet and a side salad left over from Tues dinner) 

If I can't get stuff done in the afternoon, maybe I can get caught up by doing some stuff in the morning!

I didn't walk this morning - I will use the fitness center at work today and hopefully we can take the pups for a walk this evening.  We also need to run to the dreaded Wally World to get a couple of things (plastic tubs to pack clothes and linens in and I want to look for a good flashlift for my mom.  That's what she asked for for her birthday).

I have salmon thawing, a squash to bake, and some brussel sprouts that need to be used up.  So I WILL make a healthy dinner tonight!!!

Deep thoughts, well, thoughts anyway

I read a great post this morning over at http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/.  This was part of it:

"I am grateful for what I have. I am also sad for what I’ve lost. Both feelings can live in me at the same time."

It's a whole post about the stress she is going through and a lot of it revolves around their family's move.  I could totally relate to what she was writing and it felt good to know that I'm not alone.  As she points out, moving is considered the third most stressful life event. 

I am (mostly) dealing with my stress - some ways are positive and others not so much.  I'm trying to work on forgiving myself when I make less than stellar choices and just moving on because beating myself up over a half a liverwurst sandwich on white bread isn't working.

Maybe I need to focus on the positive things I do - like exercising, packing my breakfast and lunch, cooking a healthy dinner, etc.

When you are down in the thick of it perspective can seem pretty elusive.  Another thing Charlotte wrote really resonated with me:

"But this thing that makes life so hard – the fact that it’s always changing – is the thing that will ultimately be my salvation. I know that I will not always be where I am now. No matter how hard it all feels right now, it will change. It will get better. It will get easier. I will not be a mess forever!"

True. :-)

More misc.

It's fall somewhere, right? :-)

Well, anxiety attack held at bay until last night, when I took half of one of the anxiety pills my mom left.  Sigh.

I guess it isn't surprising that I am having anxiety attacks.  We are moving in less than a month and renting out our house.  My husband will be staying with my mom in NC and looking for a job up there while I stay here (by myself) until my oral surgery is finished and we decide it's time to move on - either with a virtual job at my company, with a job elsewhere, or with no job. 

That's a huge amount of uncertainty. 

Hub worked a temp job for 3 weeks but it (unexpectedly) ended yesterday.  I think that is what pushed me over the edge.  That's the most work he's had since June so money is tight.  Part of the timing of my going back will also be determined by our financial situation, so right now it looks like I'll be living in south Florida without my husband and dogs until the 12th of eternity. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way.

I remind myself I've done difficult things before and that we will be okay, but some days it is easier to believe that than others.

I did get out and take a walk Saturday, Sunday, and this morning.  I didn't make it yesterday, but that's a pretty good success rate.

Have a good one!

Misc.

It's beginning to feel a little cooler - it was 68 when we took a walk this morning, and we have the windows open. Hurray for open windows!

Hub is power washing the roof - one of the final things we want to do to the house before we rent it out.

I did some more packing this week and sorted through my sewing stuff.  I decided I wanted to keep some sewing stuff with me so I could work on some small projects, but the bulk of it is going into storage.

This felt like a difficult week, although not so bad that I felt the need to take half an anxiety pill.  Work is just .. ugh.  Frustrating.  It seemed to take most of my energy just to get meals on and dishes washed.  There wasn't much left over after that, you know?

I have decided that I need to get up and take a walk every morning (even a short one) just to help my stress levels.  Exercising at the fitness center at work is great, but getting outside does seem to be helping a bit.

Have you been reading about the scare around the dog jerky treats?  To me the really scary part is that the FDA can't figure out what is making the dogs sick (or killing them).  And they are testing these treats.  The reality is that of the food we import, only a tiny fraction gets inspected at all.  If they test something and can't identify the substance that they know is deadly to pets, how can we be sure human food is safe?  The FDA is proposing testing and labelling and already the animal food industry is complaining.

I know this is going to sound like I'm some sort of conspiracy theorist, but honestly, trusting the government to ensure the safety of food is a little scary to me.  I stopped buying pet food from overseas years ago.  I try to never buy people food from China, Vietnam, etc. either - although with the way food is labelled, it can sometimes be hard to identify country of origin. 

Another reason we are looking forward to buying something with enough land we can have a large garden, fruit trees, chickens, etc.

I did the grocery shopping this morning. My goal for the afternoon is to sort through 2 bookcases.

Have a good weekend!

p.s.

I got in the pool when I got home from work yesterday.  It was very nice.  I will miss my pool very much when we move!!

A brief check-in

I haven't been on the computer much lately.  I am on the computer all day at work, so when I get home I just haven't been much interested.  I check my personal email every 3-4 days and that's about it.  hence my lack of posting here.

We spent the weekend oorganizing, prioritizing, re-arranging.  It was stressful.  I am finding the whole experience more emotional than I expected.  Like once you make a decisions, boom, that's the end - done and move on.  But it isn't that way, at least not for me.  You make a decision, but your brain continues to process feelings as you move through acting on that decision.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, it's left me pretty jumbled.  So there ya go.  But you keep moving on, jumbled or not!

Rainbows and unicorns, currently unavailable

Sometime between leaving work and suppertime, I became very moody - restless, cranky, stomachache.  I have no idea why.  I ate dinner but thought it was yucko (it was eggplant parm and roasted broccoli, which normally I like). 

While watching tv, I was restless and told my husband I wanted something to eat.  He asked what and I replied "rainbows and unicorns!"  Which was my way of saying I wanted something yummy to fix my feelings. 

Thankfully we had neither rainbows nor unicrons in the fridge.  I did drink a beer and then went to bed.

I still don't know why I felt the way I did.  Hopefully tonight is better because overall I have been feeling much better.

Happy Friday!

blah de blah blah

So, some good things:

Hub is working.  He worked most of last week, all of this week, and this job looks like it will last another 1-2 weeks.  It seems like the temp work is picking up a bit, and I hope it stays that way a while!  Yay money!

On the way home yesterday, my husband stopped by the liquor store and got 38 boxes.  (Yes, this is considered excitement in my life!)  We are organizing some things this weekend with an eye to start going through our books, so having the boxes to pack them up in will be excellent. 

Hub isn't too bad, but I really need to cull through my books, again.  What can I say?  I love printed books and the library here has a small "friends of the library" shop that sells books - $1 for hardbacks and $0.25 for paperbacks.  For those prices its easy to take a chance on something you may not like!  And when I am done I generally donate them back, but it's time to review my collection.  Some are 'reference' type things around crafts or sewing that I want to keep, some are cookbooks, but I also have a lot of fiction and non-fiction.  However, I am also a person that re-reads books.  I just need to decide what is worth keeping to re-read and what can go.

It's been a long week.  I'm worried about not only my stepdad, but how our son is going to deal with it.  I know he (my stepdad) has a positive attitude and is getting the best possible care.  I am hoping that either the new medicine or another round of treatment will buy him more time. 

I'm doing better.  Yesterday I walked 3 miles (with hand weights) and there was no after dinner snacking.  It was like I was almost myself again!

I read a really good profile of a blogger I read regularly: http://www.livingasimplelife.com/jumping-off-the-treadmill/  I found it very encouraging message - "don't wait until things are perfect to follow your dreams".  That's very true.  Life is never perfect and we can't wait until the conditions are just right.  That's true for ANYTHING in life - not just weight loss or fitness.

Now, to apply that message to my own life!!!

Flow like water, bend like leaf

I think one of the plus sides of getting older is perspective.

It's no secret that the past month I've been extremely stressed.  I gained 3.4 pounds (not a huge deal), and some of my healthy eating & exercise habits faltered.  I am getting back on track.

I guess the thing is that when you are 47 and you choose to bury your nose in a book, you know things are very stressful, but it is also easier to recognize that you will move beyond them, that those things won't last forever.

Over this past weekend I really felt like I had turned a corner and was reclaiming my balance, and then this thing with my stepdad happened. 

Mostly I feel terrible for my son.  As it was with me, his grandparents are almost like a second set of parents to him.  I felt that way about my mom's parents as well.  For him, losing his grandpa will seem more like losing a father.  They are so close, and he is so young.

I'm not saying that's it.  There is a new drug the doctors are going to try.  He is at Duke, getting some of the best treatment available in the world.  But the reality is he has an incurable form of aggressive cancer.  There is no "you are cancer free" at the end with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  We were hoping for a longer remission period, but that doesn't mean that we are out of options.  And my stepdad is very positive and upbeat and is going to do his best to live as long and full life as possible.

I just wish I were closer to be more support. 

Yesterday was tough, but I did go to the gym.  I didn't do much, but I went.  Sometimes all you can do is continue.

My stepdad's cancer is back.  We knew it wasn't curable, only treatable, but still, less than a year of remission.  That's all I got today.

Crazy busy, kinda by choice

One thing about adulthood I don't like is how your whole weekend seems to get sucked up doing chores.  Ugh.

This weekend hub was out of town - he drove my mom back to NC.  So that meant I was home alone.

Saturday morning I got up early, packed their lunch and breakfast, and saw the family off.  Then I headed out and did the bulk of the grocery shopping.  Then I spent the rest of the day reading.  I needed that!

Yesterday I had to do everything else: housework, laundry, a few more errands, food prep for the week.  If it sounds like a lot of work it was!  I spent around 10 hours on it.  But I took breaks and at the end of the day I felt tired but more accomplished than I have in weeks.  I needed that too. :-)

Thought of the day

So Happy Its Thursday

I have exercised 4 days in a row. 

Things are feeling better.

I spotted this yesterday and had to share it because isn't that the truth?  Maybe 1 in 100 look like the pic on the left, and how we beat ourselves up when our success looks this the pic on the right instead!

Have a good one!

Slowly, better

This is a picture I took on a trip to the local Butterfly Garden.  Just including it because I thought it was pretty!

I'm doing better.  It's weird to have my house as packed up as it is.  But I've been focusing on little things: I got up and took a walk this morning.  I have several errands I don't want to do, so I wrote them down and am working on them a couple at a time.  That sort of thing.  You know, picking up boxes at the licquor store, cancelling our gym membership, those type things.  I hate doing stuff like that, I have no idea why.  I think in my past life I was a recluse. :-)

But hub is working in the city and isn't getting home until 6 or so, so I need to take care of what I can.  I'm jut so thankful he is working.  It's been pretty grim for temp construction down here, so we both are thankful for that.

Have a good one.

A corollary to my last post

Wipeout

Have you ever been riding your bike (or running, or walking) and you hit a patch of gravel (or water or mud) and next think you know, you are on all fours, dirty, bleeding, and wondering what just happened?  (Please say I'm not the only one this graceful!).

I mean, intellectually, you know exactly what happened, but its taking a few minutes for your brain to catch up with your new muddy reality.

So, my life has been like that the past 3 weeks or so: buffeted by some very unexpected stressors (small, fairly significant, medium-ish) in rapid succession, I'm just now feeling that maybe my mind is beginning to catch up.  For the past 3 weeks nothing has been processed, I've just gone through the motions of day to day living.

But I do remember that I committed to making some efforts at stress reduction.  I don't even remember what they were.  Good thing I blog: I'll have to go back and look. :-)  In any case, you can imagine how successful they've been.

This morning I went downstairs and did a cardio video, then popped in a yoga video (I've done my stretching video a couple of times, but this was my first attmept at yoga in 3 or so weeks).  I made it 5 minutes.  Seriously, I was unable to be that mentally quiet more than 5 minutes.  I turned off the tape and went on with my day.

It's not that all my good habits have been abandoned - they haven't.  But bad ones have crept back in.  And mainly its just been rough - remember me writing about the fact that my resilience is broken?  So when stuff happens it isn't pretty.

Last time I took a pretty good spill on  my bike I was a couple miles out on a trail that goes several miles straight into the Everglades.  After I stood up and was scared and bleeding, I didn't have any real choice except to get back on the bike and ride it back to the car.  Life is like that sometimes, whether you are prepared or not, cooping well or poorly, time marches on.  And you have to go on.

I'm beginning to think again of changes I'd like to make to reduce my stress.  Maybe this time I will get a chance to work on them. :-)

Random

Last night I went outside with the dogs and it was raining a bit.  There was the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen relaxing on our pool fence.  His body was over 6 inches, with a wing span of 8 or so!  He was still there this morning but one of the dogs startled him and he flew away.  He was like something out of "Jurassic Park".

My favorite work shoes have died (the heel literally split).  They are 3 years old and I wear them several times a week, so its not like I didn't get my money's worth!  I bought them back in NC - I have been unable to find work shoes here.  Women's shoes seem to fall into 1 of 2 categories: boots or scary high heels.  Since I can't walk in crazy high heels and boots with capris does not align with my conservative sense of style, I am doomed to be barefoot.  I have one other pair of black, open toed, not too high shoes left from NC.  They are more casual, but I will have to make do.  I went looking again last weekend.  Nothing. Sigh.  Kohl's, you've let me down!

Risk taker?

First of all, thank you Plum Petals for your kind comments!

I am not a risk taker.  Both my parents worked at a job for 30+ years and now collect a pension.  Those days are mostly over.  I don't care to argue whether that's a good or bad thing, that's just what it is.  Both by personality and watching my family, I'm not one to go out on a crazy, high risk adventure.

I admire people that can do it, it's not just me.  Right now I am trying to walk a line of making choices that offer a range of outcomes.  I don't know what my life will look like in 6 months, and that's both scary and exciting.  I am trying to find my way into trying new things while doing the responsible thing for myself and my family, you know?

For me, part of what makes it tough is the fact that I have a child who still depends on me for health insurance.  That keeps at least one of us tied in to a certain style of work.

Things have been crazy stressful lately, and this weekend was no exception.  I realized this morning (as I bought a muffin to go with the healthy breakfast I brought from home) that I've been using food to cope with stress.  Again.  Sigh.

I cut the muffin in half and threw the second half away.  On my lunch break I will be using the fitness center for a cardio video and some yoga.

I know the healthy things to do, and do many of them.  But it's easy to let old habits creep back in when we are on auto-pilot.

My goal for this week isn't to be perfect, just to be mindful.

Happy Monday!

Why I no longer watch HGTV

In the early days, I really loved HGTV.  They had some great design shows as well as shows either on crafts, or as part of design shows things you could make for your home.  I felt like they gave really good ideas.

My MIL watches HGTV pretty much all day.  I'd fallen out of the habit (try watching "House Hunters" while really looking for a house.  Guaranteed to make you physically ill.) 

From what I saw, the shows these days seem to fall into 2 camps: couple whining about how the HAVE to get $800,000 for their house (even though the realtor told them to list it at $500,000) in order to get what they WANT.  Or people gleefully taking sledge hammers to perfectly good, yet dated bathrooms. 

I get that a 1950s pink bath isn't everyone's taste.  But if it isn't yours, for God's sake at least have the decency to remove the fixtures and donate them to ReStore.  That donation helps the working poor gets homes, and crazy people that LIKE pink bathrooms get the pink toilet of their dreams. 

I guess my question is this, when did the shows, and the people on them, get so mean?  Heck, when did our society get so mean? 

ps. I'm a crazy person who would love a vintage pink bathroom!

Facing future, with hope and trepidation

This has been a post a long time rolling around in my brain, but very tough to write about for two reasons:

1. It's about the loss of dreams, and failure, and what does failure say about who we are as people.  But it is also about finding new dreams in the ashes of the old.
2. It's been a struggle for me to balance what I want to share and what I don't want to.  I am not one to post something and pull it down - I don't even put it into draft if I'm not sure.

  When my husband and I met, he was living in Maryland and I was in NC.  I had finished grad school, had an established career at a Fortune 50 company, and owned a home.  Hub was renting a duplex with a friend and working in construction.  His situation made it easier for him to move, so he packed up, quit his job, and moved down to be with me.

For all of our marriage, I have been not only the primary bread winner, but my job was also the one that provided our family with benefits.  Construction can be tough, and there have been times when hub's work situation meant he job hopped or did temp work.  But the fact that I had a good paying job with benefits also meant he had the luxury of following his dream of having his own business.  As it turns out, he realized that he didn't really enjoy being a small business owner and went back to traditional employment, but he had the opportunity. 

So when my company closed our office in NC, it made sense that we would relocate so I could keep my job.  It was when the economy was near its worst and central NC didn't offer a lot of job opportunity.  It seemed the safer course to move, and so we did.

To say it has been a disaster on many levels is a pretty big understatement.  We don't like this area (our son hated it and left to finish high school in NC with his grandmother).  My husband has been unable to find work and has been doing temp work, which takes a pretty big mental toll on him.  The cost of living is much higher and with my husband's income being all over the page, it has been a huge stress and created a lot of financial strain.

I work for a great company and have a really good boss and co-workers.  But when your family isn't making it financially, when do you say enough?  What do you do if the job you are contenplating giving up is the source of your family's benefits.  (NC refused the federal funding for health care.  Private insurance in NC would cost our family roughly $10,000 a year, which we obviously could not possibly afford).

What if you realize that you would like the opportunity to pursue your dream?  Even if it means giving up "the American dream" and moving in with family while you re-establish?

There are work dreams I'd like to pursue - as a couple we would like to purchase some land on which to have a small homestead.  If we do that have I failed at my corporate career?

It's been very hard, but we have decided to sell our home and rent something down here for a while (I don't know what a while is).  The couple that want to buy our house are renting month to month in the neighborhood, but the property they are renting is being foreclosed on.  So if we didn't sell to them pretty soon, they would likely have to get something else and we could potentially lose our buyers. 

We live in south Florida, where the market is still pretty bad.  We never even put our house on the market.  This couple knows us from the neighborhood, heard we were thinking about selling, and asked to come look at our house.  Given that is our primary source of debt (thankfully we are very careful about debt!), selling this house and breaking even/making a small profit when we bought it less than 3 years ago would be a big burden lifted.  It was give us flexibility and time to plan our next move.

While my mom has been down here, we have been busy packing up the breakables - the china, dishes we don't need, etc.  Mainly the fragile stuff.  We've rented a moving truck etc.  We have a place to rent that is month to month.  We are moving out of our home at the end of November.

Its isn't the final destination - its the first step on a new path - we're not quite sure where it even leads!  Do I keep my job and just rent?  For how long?  I've been looking for a virtual position but there aren't many and the company is downsizing, so its been slim pickings.  

There are a lot of questions.  Giving up our home when I've been a home owner for over 15 years feels a little like failure.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to follow my dream - not society's, or anyone elses!  And if this can make it easier for me (and my husband!) to do that, then its right for us, even if its hard. 

Melatonin is my friend

I'm back to not sleeping well.  The past couple of weeks I've been back in the pattern I was in a few years ago when 3-4 nights a week I would wake up in the middle of the night and be awake for 2-3 hours.  It sucks.

Luckily, my mom reminded me that I have a bottle of melatonin, which I've used in the past with some success.  Friday night I took half a pill, and felt like a zombie Saturday morning.  So Saturday night I took a quarter of a pill, and Sunday morning I woke up a bit tired, but felt good.  We went to the beach, I got my chores done around the house (most of them anyway!), and I felt much more rested.

Then for some reason I decided not to take one Sunday night.  Dumb.  I woke up at 2, was awake until 4:30, and then dozed for 15-20 minutes at a time until I got up just before 6.  I threw my dirty hair into a ponytail, hald packed lunch and breakfast, came to work, and bought a diet pepsi.

Last night I cut 2 pills into quarters and took one.  Ah, sleep.

I haven't checked my personal email in over a week.  I've been so wiped by the time I get home, I haven't even bothered with the computer.  I have a long post I've been rolling around in my head and know I want to get it down in the next couple of days.

I'm doing better.  Thanks for reading, and commenting.  I appreciate it very much!

Yesterday, I went to the beach

Briefly

We had a really nice time visitng my great aunt in Georgia.  I don't really have a very large family, and (on my dad's side at least) the dynamic is kinda odd.  But the family I do have is very important to me, and going to see my 94 year old great aunt is a priority.  And my mom and I generally have a lot of fun on these trips.

I've been waffling back and forth about what to post (or not) here.  I have been honest about the tremendous amount of stress I'm feeling, but pretty vague about reasons.  I don't know how much detial I'm comfortable sharing, so I've opted for undersharing.

But we have made some (hard) decisions and plans, and things seem to be moving forward.  Not in any sort of ideal way, because there are certain factors simply beyond my control.  But moving, as scary as the future looks right now.

Have a good day and once I've gotten my thoughts together, I'll be back. 

Headed out of town

A good representation of what has been happening around here. :-)

This week has been sort of an epic fail as far as stress reduction, otoh, I am here and writing.  It has been a really shitty week.

We are leaving for Georgia in just a few minutes.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting out of here for a couple of days.

Have a good weekend.

Monday

Kinda how I'm feeling today. :-)

I avoided the computer all weekend, sadly I also avoided the beach due to it raining, and raining, and raining.... which was a bummer.

I am taking a 4 day weekend for my mom & I to go to Georgia and visit my great autn.  We are leaving Friday morning.  I plan to post a couple of times between then & now, but I don't plan to take my computer with me.

Anyway, hope you had a good weekend!

A muscle or a circuit, I can’t think of a good analogy

I have heard resilience described as a muscle, that we can train and make stronger.  That may well be true.  But you can also over train a muscle, doing significant damage and making it so that the simplest of everyday tasks (sitting down, lifting your arms to dry your hair) and be painful or even impossible.

I think that is true of resilience as well – we can over use the muscle, or force too much current through the circuit, blowing it out.  What happens next is like our over training story, where you walk down the stairs backward because you can’t go down them the normal way, or you decide to put your hair into a ponytail and skip the blow out.

That’s where my life is right now.  In the span of 1 year I dealt with 2 deaths in the family, buying and selling a home, moving a significant distance away from my support network, marital stress, job loss (my husband’s – and he still hasn’t found a job 2+ years later), a child who suffered significantly as a result of the move, and of course all the minutiae that comes along with trying to move your family and deal with everyday life and never knowing whether your husband will be working or not.  (He’s been doing temp work.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks.  Right now it sucks.)

Yesterday was a bridge too far and I was reduced to a crying mess and went to bed at 8 because I just couldn’t cope any more.  It doesn’t even need to be a big thing (I would describe yesterday as medium), but when the muscle is over worked or the circuit is blown, the amount of the extra load doesn’t matter – the answer is going to be “no.”  I can’t handle life’s bumps – my ability to do so is completely used up.

Ugh, you know?  Some days, just ugh.  In the meantime......

 

 

More of the same

Just a quick post.  Volunteering yesterday was good, although after doing a few hours of landscaping I was wiped out!  I worked at home for the afternoon because I was pretty grubby.  But it was a nice chance for the team to get together and do something meaningful.  Also, we have several new folks so that gave us a nice chance to get to know each other a bit.

It's really nice having my husband back home and my mom here.  This weekend I am going to get together some packing supplies and mom is going to pack up some of my china & glassware that we don't use regularly - I think I am going to go ahead and send it back to her house. 

Other than that, we are going to go to the beach Sunday morning.

Have a good one!

Good morning

(Picture taken at Everglades Nat'l Park.) Included for no special reason.

Good morning.  My family got home safely last night.  I had miscellaneous leftovers that I pulled out of the freezer and fed everyone.  Cheaper than takeout!

Sorry for the down post yesterday - its just hard when you find yourself in a frustrating place with no easy way clear.  Sometimes just saying that helps.

Today our team is volunteering at a local transitional home for veterans.  We actually volunteered at this same place 2 years ago and remembering that has me a bit down.  My friend a co-worker M was with us that day.  I miss her and I wonder how her 2 kids are doing.  They were both still in elementary school when she died.  I didn't know anyone who died in NY on this day, although there were 11 people from our company who did (they worked in an office in one of the Towers).  But I have lost loved ones and friends, and maybe its enough to remember those people we love and miss today.

Anyway, fridge is cleaned out (its trash day) but the house... well, needs a bit of work.  I have to pick up cucumbers on the way home.  They weren't on my list so I didn't pick them up when I stopped yesterday.  I don't know what I would do without my lists!

We are going to be working outside, but only for half a day. Then we'll do lunch and then I will come home, piddle around the house, and sign in for a bit.

Hope you have a good day.

Good morning

Hello there.  I was perusing a couple of blogs while eating breakfast and I wanted to share this post with you:

http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2013/09/comparing-my-weaknesses-to-your-strengths-why-i-am-so-insecure-and-also-why-i-love-pnk.html

It describes really well something I've been experiencing lately - a feeling of frustration when I read blogs.  Like these people have it all together and I am a mess.  And the problem isn't them - it's me, and not feeling good about myself or my circumstances.

The solution is also me, and I am working on it.  But it's hard, you know?  Change can be very hard, and very scary, not matter what your age.  And all the platitudes in the world like "what does not kill us makes us stronger" don't stand up very well in the face of not being able to take care of your family.

Okay, serious thoughts over - time to get to work!

Of fruit, veg, & the weekend

This weekend I really didn't do a whole lot, but in a good way.  I went to a couple of grocery stores for necessities, but I decided to hold off on buying certain things until right before hub & my mom get here (tomorrow evening). That way some stuff would be fresher.

I did get out yesterday in the morning before it got too warm to get some fresh air & sunshine, which was nice.  I sat by the pool & read.

Today I got up early and cleaned the kitchen, made some salad dressing for my salads, and made myself a green drink.

So, 2 servings of fruit (half a banana and about a cup of frozen mixed fruit) and 3-4 cups kale (I count that as 2 servings of veg since its leafy, although it was smushed down).

Breakfast was 2 deviled eggs and a cup of tea.

Lunch is 1/5 cups chopped fresh tomato, a large chopped cuke, and a cup of chick peas with salad dressing.  I will buy a bunch of leafy greens to dump it over.  I think its safe to call that 4 servings of vegetable. 

For snack I have 4 of the mini clementines, so 2 more fruit.  I will also have a few raw almonds.

That gets me to 4 fruits and 6 vegetables - pretty good!

Dinner tonight will be leftovers and probably another raw salad or maybe a few brussels roasted in the toaster oven (I hate to heat up the whole house for just me). 

I am using the fitness center at work today - upper body weights, cardio, and maybe some yoga.  I plan to go by Costco after work - I need a new set of sheets and some vegetables and I hope to get a bit of housework done this afternoon when I get home.

Have a good day!

Happy Saturday

Ok, if I were going to eat my feelings away, it wouldn't be with that meal! Ha ha ha.

Hope your Saturday is going well.  Hub and MIL got on the road at 6 am.  I fed myself & the dogs, hit a couple of grocery stores, came home, veged in front of the tv a bit, got in the pool for a while, and took a nap.

This afternoon is stormy and I am doing nothing.  I planned on doing a bit of sewing but honstly I don't feel like it.  I have a couple more errands to run, which I will probably take care of tomorrow.  I also have some food prep tomorrow.

I don't know whether I will get to the sewing - we'll see.  Right now I am just enjoying the quiet.

Thankfully, some habits have held up

 

Thankfully, some good habits have held up in spite of stress and that has made a big difference.

 

I drink loads of water.

 

I eat plenty of vegetables and fruits.  I have continued to pack my breakfast and lunch (see pictures above).  A homemade turkey burger with salsa for breakfast (why yes, I do have an unnatural love of mexican food), a salad of 1/2 cup chick peas, some diced chicken breast, cucumber, green beans, and so many tomatoes they needed their own container) and 4 of the world's smallest clementines (I would normally eat 2 but there were the size of golf balls!).  I made lima bean soup in the crock pot for dinner last night. 

 

I have continued to use the fitness center every day I am at the office.  This morning hub helped me walk the dogs.

 

So yes, I still have lots of stress, but these things help anchor me.

A bit of progress

A few years ago, I began having issues with sleep.  I could go to sleep just fine, I couldn't stay asleep.  As a result, many nights (like 2-3 a week a week on average) I would wake up around 2 am and be up for at least 2 hours - sometimes 3.  I would sit quietly and read until I got tired.

Looking back, I realize that was the turning point away from some good habits and a slow creep of 10 or so pounds in my weight.  I was generally waking up at 5 or 5:30, going for a walk/run, and then later in the day doing weights or maybe some sort of class at the Y.

When you are crawling back into bed at 4:30, you don't get up at 5.  My 6 day a week habit turned into a 2-3 day a week habit. Exercise and energy went down, eating stayed the same.

Melatonin helped, but didn't cure the issue.  Thankfully it finally just seemed to go away on its own.  Considering all the stress I've been under, I am just grateful for this blessing.  It still happens, but very infrequently.  One thing I still do which helps me sleep more deeply (and therefore stay asleep) is spray my pillow with an essential oil before I go to bed.  I have a spray bottle and I mix a few drops of organic lavendar oil with water and use that to spray my pillow.  Lavendar isn't my fav scent, but its an oil that is supposed to help you relax (and I don't dislike the smell).  It really works - I can tell I am sleeping more deeply because I feel more rested and I have really vivid dreams! (A sign of good, deep sleep).

Naturally, sleep and I experienced a temporary break-up last Thursday.  I was back to my old habit of reading 3 hours in the middle of the night.  It's made for an exhausting few days.

Once I got the good news, I realized that I'd been operating on adrenelin and I was exhausted!  So the past couple of nights I have gone to bed early and tried to pay my body back on the sleep it needs.

Yesterday I got up early, showered, pack lunches (and my breakfast), and went to work.  I hit the fitness center for upper body weights and a 2 mile walk.  When I got home yesterday I was really wiped out.  I took my MIL to JoAnn fabric, but it was a quick trip since I needed to fix supper. 

At one point I was so tired I literally took a sort of stagger/step and she remarked "What's wrong with you?  Did you go to a gym?"  UGH!  I said "Yes, but that's not why I'm tired.  I'm catching up on some sleep."  Luckily she didn't say anything else.

When I ate lunch yesterday I made a point of going to the cafe and buying at least 2 cups of leafy greens to add to the salad I brought from home.  I think I paid around seventy cents and it added a nice serving of leafy greens to my day. 

A couple of goals

Here is a list of a very few short term goals I have committed to.  These are not weight loss goals -   they are stress reduction goals.  I will add more, but for now I want to keep the list short and get the biggest bang for my proverbial buck.

1.  Have a green drink every day.  What does this have to do with stress reduction?  I have been under serious, constant stress since January 13, 2011.  Stress is stress, whether it is physical (cycling the Tour de France) or emotional (death of a family member).  Stress strains your body, making it importnat to maximize the micronutrients you give it.  (You probably know this.)  

My basic green drink contains 1 cup mixed frozen fruit (Costco), 1 frozen banana, 4 cups kale or spinach, and water.  I might add a dash of lemon juice, chia or flax seed, or any odd fresh fruit that needs using up.  I split this with my husband.

The reason:  I need more leafy greens in my diet, and kale is about the pinnacle.  This is a micronutrient powerhouse.

2.  Walk the dogs regularly.  This falls by the wayside because I can't walk both at once and sometimes my husband wusses out and I feel guilty just walking one.  I have asked him to help me with this one.

The reason: Obviously, fresh air, sun, getting out of the house, and a bit of exercise.  But mostly because I love our dogs and making them happy and being with them makes me happy.  

3.  Spend a couple of hours each weekend intentinally doing something I enjoy.  How freaking sad is it that I even have to add this to a list?  But yes, this is what it's come to. 

Things that don't count: organizing, cleaning, or cooking.  Yes, they can bring me pleasure from getting them done, but these are also chores.  Also watching tv or reading  abook.  Don't get me wrong - I love to read and I read every day.  But reading (like tv) is a passive, sit in a chair, escape.  It isn't actively engaging my creative juices or phyically moving. 

Things that do count; riding my bike, going somewhere fun (beach, thrift shop, whatever), sewing, embroidery, learning something new that engages my brain and creativity.  There are other things I am sure I will come up with, but you get the idea.  Carve out some time to get in touch with my creative self.

That's it for now.

A long overdue update, and a slight change in focus

That's kinda been things around here lately.  I get the basics done, but I haven't had a lot left over.  For one, just my MIL being here has been a bit stressful.  I know I've (whined) talked about her, but also to help you understand, my husband and his older brother were raised by their grandparents, so they just don't have the same kind of relationship most kids have with their mother.  Anyway, he is taking her home Saturday and I get my privacy back.

To make matter worse, I had a bit of a health scare this week.  I will explain.  A while back, a certain "weight loss" blogger I read talked about having to go in for a second mammogram due to things on the first one being unclear.  Another weight loss/fitness blogger questioned (on her own blog) whether it really happened because she claimed to have gotten the results back so quickly.  I'm here to tell you (since I now have learned), that when you have a questionable mammogram, shit goes down FAST (thank god).

Last Thursday I received a letter from the hospital asking that I come back in for further imaging.  Even though the next sentence reads "Most findings are benign (NOT CANCER)", it doesn't matter.  The words could be in red moving flames instead of all caps and it wouldn't matter.  Your heart stops.  Your heart does not re-start.  Your life freezes.

So, letter came Thursday evening.  I called Friday and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday (this) morning.  That left me 3 very long days to wait once I had the appointment.  They told me to expect to be there 2-3 hours because I would have my results before I left.  I can't speak for all places, but clearly they treat you special when you have to come back.  I had a 7:30 am appointment.  By 7:45 they were doing another set of mammograms.  By 8:15 they were doing ultrasounds.  By 8:45 I was back in for 1 for mammo image by dr request.  By 9:15 I had my results - all clear, regular mammo next year.  Thank god and I am so thankful for the speed and sensitivity of the hospital staff.

That left me 3 days to think, seriously think.  That's what I want to share now.

Here's the thing: I can do pretty much what I want - I am not particularly limited in any way by the 20-25 pounds I want to lose.  SCUBA, snorkeling, mountain biking - I am pretty fit and not so overweight that it is a true hinderance.  Sure, I wish I looked better in clothes, but honestly, I have had so much stress in the last 2.5 years that a few extra pounds just didn't seem like a huge deal.

I've struggled to figure out how to cope and how to help my family cope with the stress, so I have turned to my old friend: food.  And it has (mostly) worked.  And thankfully I don't eat so much or so out of control that I have gained a large amount of weight.  Maybe 5 pounds? 

But: food isn't an answer and lately I have been feeling like this solution has been working less and less and I haven't found any other way to deal with stress.  These last few days caused me to really look at things and realize that I HAVE to find a way to manage my stress.

Do I still want to lose some weight?  Yes.  But frankly my stress levels are a bigger issue than the pounds, and by managing the one the by product should be the loss of the other.  For that reason I am going to change the focus of this blog to stress reduction/ management.

For one, I plan to blog here more often.  For two, I hope to be more honest about some stress I haven't talked too much about.  I don't use my real name or those of my family on this blog.  I have never named where I worked or any person on this blog.  I hope that I have kept some anonymity.  I am going to talk a bit more openly about some stressors, but I plan to keep certain details fairly generic.  I realize I don't blog for swag, profit, or even to attract readers.  So I doubt I have a bunch of people out trying to "find" me, but nevertheless, I try to be a bit discreet about personal details.  I hope anyone reading understands.

Also, I will probably continue to post exercise and recipes, but I also want to write about other efforts at stress reduction, and I hope I can use this as a reminder and support for myself.  Frankly, I don't need some crazy fascist schedule or plan, or anyone (including myself) cracking a proverbial whip on my back and berating me (myself) when I don't stick to it.  I need support, not guilt.  Guilt hasn't worked.  It's turned me into a stressed out mess.

So that's it. 

Be well. 

Ketchup

This morning I made bbq sauce. Not because I am cheap (although that is true) but because we haven't found a commercial sauce that we like, forget about one that has a list of acceptable ingredients. So I have a recipe, its very good, easy to make, and a bottle lasts a month or so in the fridge.


ANYWAY. My recipe calls for 1.5 cups of ketchup. I buy expensive ketchup with no HFCS and I thought to myself  "Darn, thats nearly a whole bottle of ketchup, just to make bbq sauce." So I decided to make my own ketchup. I made it as a stand-alone so I could check the flavor. It was awesome. And cheap! So if your family uses a lot of ketchup, I encourage to to try your hand at making your own. I'm a convert!

This is the recipe I used.  I have no idea where I found it - I've had it written down on a scrap of paper for ages.  I just put the ingredients into a pot and let it simmer around 15-20 minutes.  The taste is much fresher and brighter than regular store bought, but it doesn't have any strong flavor so I think it would be good for kids as well as adults.

Enjoy!

6 oz can tomato paste
1/4 c honey
1/2 c white vinegar
1/4 c water
3/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp onion powder
1/8 tsp garlic powder

My expiration date was Tuesday

Okay, I am ready for my MIL to go home.  But I have 2 more weeks.  Le sigh.

Not much to say - using the fitness center at work since we've been getting a lot of rain and its hot and muggy.  Oh south Florida, just like living inside a microwaved sponge.

Work is fine, the dogs are fine, husband is working this week (gotta love temp work, but he got a lot done around our house when he was off).

I don't really feel like I have a lot of say lately.  I will say that I have started doing yoga again regularly and I am really enjoying it.  I got burned out there for a while, but I'm glad to be doing it again.

Alright, have a good one!

In a not so shocking development

Well, even though the doctor wants her to go to an ear specialist, he also said that MIL's dizziness could be caused by either her neuropathy in her feet (anyone know what causes that?) or uncontrolled blood sugar, she is deep back in denial, refusing to believe that her DIET has anything to do with, you know, her HEALTH ISSUES.

Look, I get it.  Hub and I are in a not too happy situation because we are comfortable enough that we are having a hard time stepping out onto that limb.  But you know what the difference is?  We aren't jeopardizing our health by it.

Unhappy equilibrium

So, MIL should be coming home this morning.  She didn't see the neurologist until too late to be discharged last night.

The upshot of all this is: the doctors didn't find anything.  He wants her to go to an ear specialist when she gets home, but he also belives that her vertigo may be caused by her out of control blood sugar.

She suggested I put a few cheerios on her dog's food to encourage him to eat - I pointed out that she had eaten the entire box in a week.  Yeah.  We will see if all this is enough to drive her to change.  They jury is still out.

Speaking of which....

I realized this weekend that I spend very little time doing things that bring me joy.  Don't get me wrong - I realize that I CHOOSE to spend a large amount of my time on the weekend shopping and prepping food so that we have healthy food we enjoy.  I could spend my time in other ways, but I feel that is important.

The problem is, I don' really enjoy shopping or doing a massive multi-hour food prep.  And at the end I am frequently left with insuffcicient time and/ or energy to engage in creative hobbies that bring me joy.  Food is one of the few things I do for myself.  Hence the need to lose 20 pounds.  Gotta work on that.

I also have to do something about my own "unhappy equilibrium" - where the comfort of a good job with a good company are offset by the fact that it isn't fulfilling and we are several hundreed miles away from our friends and family. And the fact that my husband hasn't found a job.

I'm just not a big risk taker, so packing up and leaving a good job with an excellent company in order to do .... ?  WAY outside my comfort zone.  But you know, there are things I want to do.  Like starting my own business.  Like buying enough land to create a homestead and raise the majority of our food.  Like live a simpler life, more connected to the people we are about.

Gotta keep pushing myself.

As the stomach churns

This is a book (Steven King's "Nightmares and Dreamscapes") resting on a pool float.  I'm reading in the middle of the pool.

We took MIL to the hospital yesterday (we couldn't find an urgent care that took medicaid).  She's been feeling dizzy.  She called her doctor and was told to go see someone.  Anyway, they kept her overnight to do more tests.  No idea what's going on.  Hopefully they will release her today. 

Her health really is lousy.  If that isn't enough motivation to take care of yourself, I don't know what is.

Showdown in the Aldi checkout

(View from the office patio today at lunch when I went outside to warm up!)

After we came back from camping, we stopped by NC to pick up my MIL. She is down for a visit for a month or so.

We set down some ground rules last year (she has to help out, not just sit around and be waited on) that make the visit easier for all of us. She can still be a bit difficult – you don’t really have a “conversation” with her – in general it’s more like a cross between 20 questions and an interrogation, not to mention her tendency to come across a mega critical (“Are you going to paint the toe kick and shoe molding?” “It’s already painted.” “Really???”).

Here’s the big thing: I know I mentioned our plan to come back and eliminate some junk out of our diet (beer and diet Pepsi for me, diet Mtn. Dew for hub). Which we have been doing, although the going has been tough a time or two. Well, MIL is having to radically change the way she eats as well.

My MIL keeps a super erratic schedule – sometimes she will be up for 2 days and then sleep a whole day, so her eating doesn’t conform to any sort of routine (which is a problem in and of itself). She has been doing pretty good getting into a routine at our house.

Typical foods for her might be: instant oatmeal (maple and brown sugar), grilled cheese sandwiches, toast, tv dinners, cottage cheese and canned peaches, coke, pretzels, boxed cookies (such as vanilla wafers, graham crackers, fig newtons), ice cream, pistachios, milk, and fat free creamer for her coffee.

I’m sure you see the problem, even if I don’t tell you that’s she’s an obese diabetic. Needless to say, we don’t eat that way. She enjoys the food I’ve been cooking, but she’s obviously been craving some of the junk (besides that bag of crap she brought along in the car).

The other day she rode with me to Aldi to pick up some milk, and when I got to the checkout she had picked up a loaf of white bread. She said she was craving snacks and my response was “Suck it up. We’re having cravings too.” I told her she would have to pay for it and I praised her to the skies when she put it back.

I don’t know if any of the habits will stick (they didn’t when she came for a long visit last year). But we’ve been talking about it. I know she doesn’t like to cook for herself, but eating like an unrestricted 5 year old isn’t doing herself any favors. And I won’t contribute to it, although she is an adult and can buy herself that kind of junk if she wants to.)

Diet pepsi hasn’t been too hard, but hub is really having a tough time getting off the mtn. dew. We didn’t go off the rails while camping, but it is definitely harder when you are eating out of a cooler with no electricity! It’s good to be back to our normal eating routines and I’m glad we decided to not allow certain stuff (soda) back into the house.

Back!

Thankfully I didn't come home to this, just a couple of geckos! :-)

Our vacation was good - its always nice to see friends and the weather in western PA was awesome! Sould not have asked for better weather!

True to my word, no diet pepsi purchased since we returned.  Hub is having a much tougher time giving up his diet mtn dew habit - I knew he would.  But he has cut drastically back and I'm not buying it at the store - if he wants one he has to go to the convenience store and pay convenience store prices, which is a deterrent.

My MIL is here and plans to stay about a month.  Try to imagine the worst diet you can for a diabetic - that's how she eats.  Some things I will buy for her (milk, instant oats), but I am drawing the line at cookies and pretzels and junk.  If she wants it she can pay for it - I won't subsidize her poor health to that extent.

Work is the same, house is still here, we very much missed the dogs. 

Anyway, have a good weekend!

Just a quick note

Hello there!

Just a quick post if anyone is still reading.  I'm doing fine - just got very busy at work and getting ready for 2.5 weeks of camping.

We are in NC and I am working virtually for a couple of days until we head up to PA on Thursday.  I won't have any internet for over 2 weeks - and as always, I am looking forward to the time to slow down and connect in more old fashioned ways.

My MIL is coming back to Florida with us.  Once we get back hub and I are doing a Whole 30.  We both agree we drink too much soda (thats a big one) and we just feel that getting back and simply not replenishing some of that stuff will be a painless way to clena up our diet.

I noticed that Norma closed her blog.  I enjoyed reading her.  Not really sure what prompted it, but there ya go - it happens.

Anyway, I am doing well, looking forward to vacation, and plan to come back and kick my diet pepsi habit!

Take care.

Happy 4th of July!

If anyone is still reading this, happy 4th!  I took a few days off with the family here and our big 2+ week camping trip in PA is coming up quickly, so I decided to work today, albeit from home.

Things here are their usual crazy, but basically good.  I am waiting for hub so we can go take a walk pre green drink and then start our day.

I may get back to this blog, its just that right now I don't seem to have the energy to put into it, nor do I really feel I have anything to say.

If that changes I'll be back.

In the mean time, take care!