And I think I’ve got problems?

How about the men’s marathon yesterday? Sheesh – at least crazy kilt-wearing Irish guys don’t pop out of the bushes to knock me off the road while I’m running! Seriously though, who couldn’t help but feel bad for de Lima – he was fading a little anyway, but who knows how the race might have turned out? I’m glad he got a medal.

So, back to real life – mine that is. Ugh. I am really struggling (like no one has noticed that). Last year after vacation I slowly gained 10 pounds, and I am afraid it will happen again this year. If I were determined not to repeat, that would be a good thing. But I have that deer in the headlights fear that is so dis-empowering.

After a day of healthy eating Saturday, I really blew it yesterday. I just layed around watching movies, having beer & pizza with hubby. I think we just worked so hard all last week and Saturday that we just melted down. I plan to pace myself a little better this week so I won’t repeat that performance next weekend

I am going to the gym to lift weights tonight, and I will do 30 minutes on the elliptical as well. Not my cardio of choice, but its raining here, so I doubt I’ll get outside. Its tropical storm leftovers from SC.

I have absolutely nothing profound to say. I ran yesterday – only 2 miles but it felt good. I am hungry and really struggling with food. Now that the house is mostly back in order, and son has gotten back in the groove with a week of school under his belt, exercise will be easier. But the food piece continues to cause me grief, and poor choices leave me feeling sub-par, which impacts workouts. Why can’t I be one of those freaks that live to lift weights or something?

Post Vacation Reality set in

I got on the scale for the first time in … oh, 3 weeks? I gained 3 pounds on vacation. Considering I ate like a pig and drank like a fish (“Deny yourself nothing” seems to be my vacation motto), I don’t think that’s so bad.

So, I had a sugar cookie for a snack this afternoon, knowing that the party ends … now!

If I’m Making a Smart Choice, Why do I feel like a Loser???

So, this morning I told my husband I was not going to do the Baltimore marathon. I feel like a total loser. I don’t think I can get my mileage up by Oct 16th, and I do not want to injure myself trying. I can always sign up for a marathon in the spring. So why do I feel like a failure?

My house is a wreck from post vacation cleaning & re-packing. Son just started back to school yesterday. There is so much going on here, I definitely need some time to ease back into things. I know that’s being reasonable, but I still feel like I’m copping out.

The last 2 beers in the house got consumed last night by me & hubby. No more for a while. I started my supplements for my neurotransmitters and for my thyroid. I am trying to get my eating cleaned back up. I want to get the new schedule from the gym and actually take some classes. Right now I want to focus on my eating and getting in a good variety of exercise, and honestly I’ve been so focused on mileage I feel like I haven’t been really doing either of those things. I want to lose some of this weight!

Ugh.

Vacation Redux

First of all, I survived. I was not one of the people who had the novel experience of waking up with their tent and/or air mattress floating away in the white water due to the flash floods we experienced. Camping in the rain sucks. Camping in torrential downpours which occur for 3 days is something out of a disaster movie.

Everything I brought home is damp. Or muddy. Or soaked.

Nevertheless, I had a nice time. The weather was great until Wednesday night. As always, I feel like I have been away from my life for a while.

I did not run though. First I was sick. Then it was flooding and the roads were mud (4 wheel drives were getting stuck).

So, I dunno. My schedule for the marathon is seriously whacked. I don't want to push myself so hard that I injure myself trying to make up lost ground. And I've ceased to enjoy myself because I feel this pressure. Perhaps this is a goal that needs to be set aside until the spring. I think that would be the wiser approach. I hate to give up, but I want to also be realistic and not hurt myself. The race is Oct 16th and my longest run to date has been 16 miles. I don't see adding 10 miles to that in 6 weeks. Any advice for a newbie?

In other news, I finally got my thyroid results back. My thyroid works, but my body isn't utilitzing the stuff it produces. So, I start thyroid medication tomorrow.

Vacation!

Well, I have nothing profound to report. My brain has left for vacation. I am ready. I am not ready for my 18 mile run tomorrow. These suckers are getting tougher phychologically every time I do one. I dunno why. But I feel like its something I have to work through for my own sake. I am bumping up against my comfort zone limits again & again in this effort. I remember how scared I was when I did the triathlon. A part of me knows I can do this, but another part is really trying hard to argue her out of it. Weird.

In Limbo

I seem to be in a weird place. Overwhelmed by vacation preparation, the start of my son's school year, frustration regarding my weight loss being stalled out, I've been feeling like I've been circling the field or something.

This weekend I quit circling. My only exercise was a short run, and my eating was not good. But I did have a talk with hubby about eliminating certain foods from our house (for a short time) after vacation to help me build better habits. He agreed, as long as the changes were not permanent.

And I go to the doctor tomorrow. Until then, I feel paralyzed by my own frustration. I do know that going back to a lifestyle of no exercise and crappy eating is neither a solution nor an option.

The End of Summer Approaches

When I let my dogs outside this morning, the air felt cool. I love spring and summer, and utterly loathe winter (hey, I moved here from Hawaii!). I like fall, but it always makes me sad cause I know winter is coming. But after the miserable run of doom last weekend, I have to admit I was a little excited about that cool tingle in the air. I thought to myself "My 7 miler is gonna be great tomorrow!" To even have such a thought shows how much I have changed.

Last November for some absolutely stupid reason I decided to do a sprint distance triathlon. This came at random pretty much. Several bloggers had done/were doing them. Women that had started where I had, or with even more weight to lose. And I was getting bored & frustrated.

If you have told me when I began this insanity that after all the work, this summer I would weigh exactly what I did last summer, I probably never would have begun. And don't get me wrong, I still have pounds to go. But I look different. My clothes fit different. I feel different about myself. And I feel better.

Last summer I hadn't run since October of 1994 (near the beginning of my pregnancy). I thought I would never run again. And it feels good. Yes, I still want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But I do feel better. And my eating is better. Far from perfect (or I'd be at goal), but better.

I have to remember that there is no expiration date, a day I must be at goal or all is lost. As long as I keep moving, its never lost.

Just checking in

Vacation related stress is resolved. Preparation is continuing, we will be prepared. I went totally off plan Tuesday night, but I picked myself up and got back with it. Two mile run this morning felt good. Morning weather is starting to cool down a bit. While I don’t look forward to fall (only because it means winter is that much closer!), it has made morning runs more pleasant.

I get my test results for my thyroid etc next Tuesday. I am hoping she finds something – I know that sounds weird, but I will be so glad to know that I’m not cursed to remain pudgy forever, which is how I’m starting to feel.

Free Floating Hostility

Why is it that some people have to have drama? What is the deal with that? Why can I not have a drama free vacation? It has already begun and we aren’t even there yet. I am too old to have high school-ish stress surrounding my vacation.

"There are plenty of difficult obstacles in your path. Don't allow yourself to become one of them." - Ralph Marston

Bodybuilding at about.com (one of my favorite sites) has an article that is several pages of motivational quotes. I thought that one was good.

Last year after my August vacation (every year the world's largest medieval combat recreation takes place in Pennsylvania in August and we go) I gained 10 pounds. I'm not gonna do that this year. I may not be losing, but I'm not gaining. And I'm not exactly starving myself. So its time to stop being angry about it.

Bitter

That says it all. After a week of faithful exercise, tightly controlled portions during the week (1500 – 1600 calories a day), and a weekend of improved eating…. Nothing. No change on the scale. Ugh.

On the other hand, I bench pressed 130 pounds yesterday. I stopped there, so I dunno if I could have made 135. So, improvement has been made in my upper body over the summer.

I am going out for sushi with my hubby tonight. I may even have a REAL beer when we get home.

Run this morning was good. 3 miles, and I really pushed on 2 or 3 of the run segments. It felt good – nice and breezy. Thank you hurricane Alex!

I bet Hell is Humid

Okay, the run report: Whoa. Major humidity, which burned off and became major heat. What a rough run. I made it 14 miles and called it quits (I planned an extra 3.5). Although I am on the low end mileage –wise for my long runs now, I can still in okay shape for being prepared for the marathon, unless something else comes up. These long runs are starting to get very tough. 14 miles feels like my upper limit. I am getting very nervous. I’m not sure I can do this.

Food was much better this weekend. I ate extra Friday and Sunday, but ate clean Saturday before my Sunday run. We’ll see if it makes any difference on the scale.

The Discipline of Steel

My philosophy regarding change is simple “The more things change, the more they suck.”  I am a creature of habit.  I eat the same foods over & over, I like my exercise regime to be well, regimented, all the sheets for my bed are the same color, I love the Flylady system (see link on side) for keeping my house in a high state of order with a minimum of effort.

Wednesday my grandmother (my mom’s mom, not the psycho one) was taken to the emergency room.  She had gotten out of her “secure” alzheimers unit and fallen on the road.  Just road rash, bruises, and a couple of nasty gashes on her face.  So, I frantically drove to the hospital, then sat and waited by her side for 4 hours (until my mom could get there).

I missed my workout, and I missed it.  I realized that even though my feet aren’t dancing as I head to the gym, I have discovered “the discipline of steel.”  (It’s from my favorite Arnold movie “Conan”, not my second favorite Arnold movie, “Pumping Iron”.) 

I love the routine, the sense of accomplishment, the burn, seeing the same faces.  I started lifting a year and a half ago. I started lifting with Sonja at the Y a little over a year ago.  We’re friends and training partners now.  I push her as hard as she pushes me.  I lift the 45 pound plate off her lap after she does weighted dips, and she does the same for me.

When I went yesterday, we combined the workouts from both days (omitting legs due to my long run upcoming tomorrow).  We brutalized our triceps, killed our shoulders, and biceps got a mere beating cause we were tired.

Dips with the 35 pound plate (3 sets of 15), then the overhead thingie with 35 pounds, then more dips to muscle failure.  Should presses with 35 pound dbs, oh my god!  Oh yeah, and I did pull-ups only off-setting 50 pounds!  We were so tired when it was over.  I was sweating – something I rarely do while lifting.  Since we had a lot to do, we went heavy & hard.  It felt wonderful.

This has been a sh*&ty week.  My ex-stepbrother treated my mom crappy, the thing with my grandmother, my husband leaving our dayshade set up during a storm so it got ruined (a new one is $100 and we have to have it for our camping trip), plus my period.  Hello, its amazing no one is dead.  Its amazing that (other than one 22 oz bud light purchased on the way home from the hospital) I have stuck to my eating plan.  I only missed one 30 minute walk since we made up our shoulder workout.

I feel better physically, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.  I took care of myself despite the stress, and I’m glad. 

My Favorite Weight
 
Well, I maintained this week.  I have fluctuated between 152 and 154 since April.  While I have a fairly large frame and muscular build for a short girl, that’s too much weight.  And I’m frustrated.

That being said, I had another good food & exercise day yesterday.  Hubby was home, so we indulged and ate the lasagna our neighbors brought over.  They make the best lasagna ever, but from the looks (and taste) of it, I’m sure its loaded in Italian sausage.  I had a good sized yet controlled portion.  And they only brought over enough for the 2 of us to have it for a meal, so I don’t have to worry about leftovers!

I bought some O’Doul’s amber because they were out of my usual Sharp’s at the grocery this past weekend.  The down side is it has more calories (90 versus 58) per bottle,  but its very tasty.  I had one of those in the evening while hubby had a beer.

I ran 30 minutes on the treadmill and then walked 30 minutes here at the office.

I ran into an acquaintance upstairs this morning and she asked how much weight I’d lost.  When I told her I’d been on a plateau for about 3 months she had several suggestions including: an Atkins okay 1 day cream cheese and nut diet, Smarties after your workout (to keep metabolism high) and protein right before bed.  I may try the protein one.  Hell, I may even try a one day wacky diet next week after my long run this weekend.  Maybe on Tuesday.  We’ll see. 

I Want To Lose Some of This FAT!!!!!!!!!

BTW – Long weekend!  I’m off the next two days.  See ya on the flip side!

Living a Life

That’s what I’m doing now I guess.  I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  (Do women have those?)  I’m coming to the realization that this is my life – I seriously doubt I’ll get rich, write a best-seller, or become an astronaut.

I am generally happy with my life – I have a nice house & family, a good marriage, and a job that I am pretty happy with that pays me enough that we do okay.  But I’m not very satisfied lately and that comes from within.

It’s not about wearing a certain size of pants, it’s more about stretching myself to do and experience things.  I’ve never been an athlete, but I would like to push myself.  This is my life – I can sit on my sofa and watch tv (which I don’t enjoy all that much), or I can become a better cyclist and do another tri next year, take up adventure racing, and go camping more.

Part of this is coming from the fact that my son is getting older (9 ½) and I am happily married and now have time to think about it.  Part is the thing with my grandmother, and I think a little is because of hubby having this out of town job for the next several weeks is giving me plenty of time alone.

And I’ve been feeling stressed and sad – part is reason driven and part is just because of nothing in particular.  And I’ve been denying/fighting those feelings rather than just accepting that this is how I’m feeling now.  And its okay, it’s normal to feel sad sometimes.  We can’t be happy constantly.  Fighting your feelings can be like trying to move a mountain sometimes.  Instead, I think I’m better off to just accept that I’m going through a sad period and take care of myself and be patient.

Yesterday was a good day.  I ate healthy foods, kept to my food plan, got plenty of exercise (1/2 hour walk at work, 1 hour weight training, and ½ hour walk at home).  I felt in control and empowered.  This morning it was raining and thundering, so I drove to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  And then I walked for 30 minutes here at work, even though my friend didn’t have time to go.  My mom offered to take my out to lunch, but I said thanks but no, and came back here to eat my tuna on a bed of salad.

I feel good about the choices I’ve been making, but I also know that I may give in and eat something I don’t really need.  I just keep reminding myself that I’m maintaining and I’d like to lose, but I’m not gaining.  My running is improving, and I am seeing pay-off from the extra weight training I’ve done this summer.  It doesn’t all come at once.  This is for the rest of my life – its not like I need to be at goal weight by x date OR ELSE.  Or else what?

So, moving to a better place emotionally.  And I’m proud that while I’ve made some bad choices, I have not gained a lot of weight.  Last fall I gained 10 pounds, and then had to really struggle for about 6 months to take it back off.  I may be stalled, but I know that I won’t let that happen again this year.

75 Channels and Nothing to Watch
 
Now that the Tour is over, what am I gonna watch on tv???  I was rooting for Lance (who wasn't?), but I have to confess to being a big Jan Ullrich fan.  For one, he was riding on a team in East Berlin back when I was living in Berlin, and I tend to pull for the Germans (my family is from there and I lived there)  and he's just a very powerful rider with lousy timing.

I've been in a weird mood the past few days, feeling kinda cruddy, which has been made worse by poor eating habits.  I didn't run this weekend - I was a big slug.  Ugh.

A while back, my husband picked up 2 old but nice Fuji road bikes.  The only problem is that the smaller one has that bar thingie across it (I think of that as a "boy" bike) and I don't know how to get on and off w/o hurting myself.  But all bikes have that dumb bar these days.  I guess I have to learn to get on and off w/o hurting myself b/c I would like to get better with my biking and thats not gonna happen on a $150 Mongoose.

I feel like I am on a fence.  A part of me would like to become fit and athletic and have an active lifestyle.  And a part of me would like to keep my old (bad) eating habits.  Sooner or later, its gonna be time to get off the fence.

Step Away from the Wonder Woman Costume
 
When I got to the gym yesterday, Sonja said “You look like crap.  Are you coming down with something?”  That pretty much sums it up.  I go to work, go to the gym, then go home and sew till bedtime.  I’m exhausted after only 2 days of that schedule.  So yesterday I gave it up.
 
I did my legs & shoulders, plus mixed in a little bis & tris so I could skip the gym today.  Then I went home, had dinner, watched Lance, took a long soak in the tub, & read a book until bedtime.
 
After a good night of sleep, I got up rejuvenated!  I ran 3 miles this morning.  After work I’m going to go home & hit the sewing again, but with no trek to the gym it should be more manageable.
 
Yesterday was good on the fitness front.  The usual 30 minutes walk plus weight lifting.  Food was good too:
 
B: French toast (made with lite bread & egg beaters) & spam
S: low fat string cheese
L: Lean Cuisine shrimp scampi, a little salad, and Wow Doritos
S: plum and half a payday
D: sliced tomato & cucumber, 1 c spaghetti with a can of anchovies
S: 2 non-alcohol beers and a blue bunny no sugar ice cream bar
 
The grand total it right around 1,500 calories, which is pretty good.  I can’t really go lower than that with my exercise program, I just get way too hungry & start to feel bad.  So I don’t do that.

Tired
 
I’m tired.  I dunno if its PMS, the fact that I slept poorly Monday night, how much I have to do to get ready for vacation (even if its fun stuff), I just don’t know.
 
Hubby came home a day early last night.  It was nice after I got over my crankiness at having my plans changed.  I don’t like change, especially when I am busy being “Mrs. Captain Cranky Pants”.
 
Anyway, I made a nice dinner since he was home, and we did have a couple of beers while watching “Excalibur”, but it was all planned in.  I walked 30 min, did 20 on the elliptical, and lifted weights (chest and back).  I was tired while at the gym, so we left abs for today.
 
Having hubby home, I slept good last night, and moved my morning run to tomorrow so we could snuggle.  Our little 10 pound Chihuahua-mutt dog kept squeezing in between us.  She missed her daddy *lol*
 
So, tonight is the food I planned for last night – which is a repeat of Monday.  I think the extra 20 minutes on the elliptical is all I can muster.  While I packed stuff for hubby’s cooler and made breakfast, he washed the dishes and folded laundry.  What a sweetie.
 
I also made my son another medieval tunic for vacation last night.  It came out nicely, if I do say so myself.  :-)

The Vampires Helped me See Reason
 
Well, I didn’t run this morning.  I was planning to run 4 days this week instead of the usual two weekday runs.  Even though my heel has been bothering me a little bit and Jeff Galloway says “don’t overdo it.”  I wanted to finally break this weight plateau.  Luckily, last night I was home alone, which meant I didn’t sleep very well.  I also had a couple of bad dreams (involving vampires), so when this morning rolled around I decided I needed more rest.  Usually blowing off a workout is not a “good thing”, but when you are adding extra workouts specifically not in your training program in order to lose weight faster, then you are asking for trouble IMO.  So, I will do my usual run tomorrow.
 
The thing is, I feel like I should be doing more to help break this plateau, but that’s easier said than done.  I walk 30 minutes 5 days a week (at a comfortable pace).  I lift weights for 60 minutes 3 days a week.  I run 3 days a week.  I mean, how much more can I really add?  I am going to add 20 minutes on the elliptical post weight training.  We’ll see if that helps.
 
Eating was good yesterday.  No post dinner snacks, although I did have 2 non-alcohol beers (58 calories each).  That’s pretty darn good.  I had a healthy dinner (sautéed chicken in leftover homemade country captain sauce – it’s a tomato curry sauce) and a plate of sliced cukes and tomato with seasoned plain fat free yogurt.  Yum.
 
I am making my son 3 shirts and my husband 2 (these are medieval style tunics) for our vacation – I did my son’s first shirt last night.  I love costuming!  It was a lot of fun and it looks really nice.  Sewing costumes for me is very relaxing and I am very excited to have stuff to sew.  I may go buy some muslin and make a couple extras if I have time.  We’ll see.  I still have more sewing after these shirts I have cut out.  And I am painting celtic knotwork designs on sheets to make “walls” for our outdoor shower. 

 Ready for vacation.

And now, for your morning Road Kill Report
 
That’s the down side of running on a semi-country road.  The opportunity to really examine each new road-kill in stunning detail as you slowly jog/walk by.  This week wasn’t bad – a Canadian goose, a couple of feet off into the grass.  The usual collection of extremely flattened frogs and other little creatures.  Nothing highly disturbing like last week’s opossum (pregnant).  My husband has standing orders that if he should ever bike past a dog, he is to go get the car immediately and pick my ass up as I will be crying by the side of the road, unable to go on as soon as I see it.  I love animals – the world would be a wonderful place if people were as nice as pets.  Sorry if that seems pessimistic, most people aren’t evil, they’re just goobers.
 
I have figured out the key to losing weight:  stop shoveling crap in my mouth all weekend.  As soon as that happens, I’ll let ya know.  Ha ha ha!  Oh well, I’m very fit for a chubette, right?
 
We missed a wedding Saturday since hubby had to work.  That sucked.  I was very disappointed.  Sunday we just hung out & worked on projects to get ready for big vacation in August.  Hubby started his out of town job today – he’ll be home on Wednesday.  We haven’t been apart much in our marriage – this will be tough.  But the $ will definitely help a lot, oh, and make vacation a lot more pleasant!
 
I ran 2 miles this morning – there was a car acted really odd.  Driving really slow around the ‘hood.  It made me uncomfortable enough that I only ran 2 miles rather than the planned 3.  Now hubby is all worried with me running while he’s out of town.  I didn’t tell him about my decision to do a “very bad thing.”  I am going to run every day, Monday through Thursday.  And do 20 minutes on the elliptical after weight training, Tuesday through Thursday.  Friday I am doing nothing because I have an 18 mile run Saturday. 
 
After the “run of doom” we are going to our couple friend’s house, where R and I will drink foofy drinks and watch HGTV while the men burp or something.  We aren’t the kind of people to have tons of  “friends” – although we would say we have lots of good acquaintances.  But R is hubby’s closest friend, and his wife R is probably my closest girl friend.  And because they got married a year after we did, and are fixing up their first house too, and have a lot of the same interests, and they are great people, we have just bonded well and love to hang out together.  They live about 90 minutes away, so its close enough we can see each other when we want, but not so close we get tired of seeing each other.
 
My 7-miler this weekend went well.  My eating did not.  As frustrated as I get, its obviously not frustrated enough to stop.  I have all my meals planned for this week, and feel confident I’ll do okay.  Maybe the extra exercise will help.