Living a Life

That’s what I’m doing now I guess.  I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  (Do women have those?)  I’m coming to the realization that this is my life – I seriously doubt I’ll get rich, write a best-seller, or become an astronaut.

I am generally happy with my life – I have a nice house & family, a good marriage, and a job that I am pretty happy with that pays me enough that we do okay.  But I’m not very satisfied lately and that comes from within.

It’s not about wearing a certain size of pants, it’s more about stretching myself to do and experience things.  I’ve never been an athlete, but I would like to push myself.  This is my life – I can sit on my sofa and watch tv (which I don’t enjoy all that much), or I can become a better cyclist and do another tri next year, take up adventure racing, and go camping more.

Part of this is coming from the fact that my son is getting older (9 ½) and I am happily married and now have time to think about it.  Part is the thing with my grandmother, and I think a little is because of hubby having this out of town job for the next several weeks is giving me plenty of time alone.

And I’ve been feeling stressed and sad – part is reason driven and part is just because of nothing in particular.  And I’ve been denying/fighting those feelings rather than just accepting that this is how I’m feeling now.  And its okay, it’s normal to feel sad sometimes.  We can’t be happy constantly.  Fighting your feelings can be like trying to move a mountain sometimes.  Instead, I think I’m better off to just accept that I’m going through a sad period and take care of myself and be patient.

Yesterday was a good day.  I ate healthy foods, kept to my food plan, got plenty of exercise (1/2 hour walk at work, 1 hour weight training, and ½ hour walk at home).  I felt in control and empowered.  This morning it was raining and thundering, so I drove to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  And then I walked for 30 minutes here at work, even though my friend didn’t have time to go.  My mom offered to take my out to lunch, but I said thanks but no, and came back here to eat my tuna on a bed of salad.

I feel good about the choices I’ve been making, but I also know that I may give in and eat something I don’t really need.  I just keep reminding myself that I’m maintaining and I’d like to lose, but I’m not gaining.  My running is improving, and I am seeing pay-off from the extra weight training I’ve done this summer.  It doesn’t all come at once.  This is for the rest of my life – its not like I need to be at goal weight by x date OR ELSE.  Or else what?

So, moving to a better place emotionally.  And I’m proud that while I’ve made some bad choices, I have not gained a lot of weight.  Last fall I gained 10 pounds, and then had to really struggle for about 6 months to take it back off.  I may be stalled, but I know that I won’t let that happen again this year.