Confession is Good for the Soul

I’m not Catholic, but even I know admitting your wrongdoings is a good step in not repeating them and moving on. So, here goes:

Yesterday, my grandmother went to the hospital (she had passed out). I was worried & upset, so I was feeling a bit “Fragile.” Then, my sister calls just to chat (cause she just started a new job). We discussed the “grandma situation” (i.e. the fact that she cut me & my family & mom out of her life) (the other grandmother) and wound up having the most honest discussion we’ve ever had about why I don’t speak to my dad. It was a good discussion, but it brought a lot of stuff I don’t normally spend a lot of time thinking about to the surface.

So, I was all teary and upset when I left the office (she called right before I left for the day). I tried calling my mom but she didn’t have time to talk because she was visiting a friend. I called my husband, but he was busy working. Well, I lost it. He never has time to talk to me when he’s not here. I know they are working from early in the morning until dark, but he can’t even seem to take 10 minutes to talk to me in the morning! I got mad and told him that.

Went home, fixed dinner, took the boy to tae kwon do, and worked out while he did his thing. Went home & started doing housework. He’s watching a movie and I’m beaten down and he says “Don’t forget to dust.” I totally take it the wrong way and start yelling at him. I felt so bad, I went to my room & cried. He cried & felt bad for being rude. I still feel like crap even though we talked about it & I apologized last night & again this morning. Just nominate me for mom of the year. Geez.

Woke up at 4:30 having a nightmare about an argument with my husband where he accuses me of cheating. No way I was going back to sleep, so I got up and went running. I ran two miles, crying the whole time. I felt all the anger that that little girl felt when her dad treated her crappy (me). After I ran, I sat & looked at the stars and realized I had to find a way to let go of my anger. All I could think of was to visualize myself encircling that little girl inside my family and putting her in the middle of what we call a “family hug.” I stopped crying, and felt at peace – at least for a time.

I talked to my husband this morning – he’d woken up at 4 unable to sleep. He didn’t realize he kept blowing me off. Anyway, he is coming home tonight (although he goes back for the day tomorrow), so everything is okay on that front.

My sister wants me to reach out & try to reconcile with my dad. I am scared to make myself vulnerable to him, but I told her I would try. D&*^ my kumbaya singing, peacnik, Episcopalian priest of a sister.