Brain Dump

I’ve had a lot on my mind the past couple of days, and I feel the need to just do a sort of “brain dump” here on the old blog. Take this for what it is: my feelings about this stuff at this moment in time.

I have been in a very weird mood this week. Pretty much all I’ve wanted to do is sit in a chair & read a Star Trek book. I had a good weekend and Monday, then called hub on the way to the gym Monday afternoon. He was very stressed about a situation at work (the people ignored the contract and were only paying him half the money they owed him). He was very upset, as you can imagine. Yet another reason I hope he finds a steady job working for a decent sized company. Instead of going to the gym, I went to the grocery store. He still hasn’t been paid what they owe him, and it looks like he may have to take them to small claims court. It isn’t a lot of money, but the situation has me in an absolute fury.

Work is kinda frustrating right now. No one thing or person … just a set of frustrating circumstances has left me feeling less than fulfilled. I like my job and I know this will pass, but right now my enthusiasm is on the low side, and I am struggling to change that.

I am on a discussion list related to ‘my medieval thing’. Anyway, a person with authority sent out an email requesting feedback from the group of folks who will be tasked with implementing his decision. The very next email he sent stated that the decision was final. So why did you request feedback??? The change is BIG, and some people got upset. He then got all in a huff because people were questioning how well thought out the plan was and what his motivation was blah blah blah. Now, neither of those things was offered in an email, so of course people are speculating. This guy is a big fat pompous jerk who in real life is an utter waste and this group is the only place in society where he has any sort of authority, so of course he feels the need to exercise it like a race horse. I’ve seriously considered pointing out that by soliciting feedback, but then turning around and stating that the decision is final without offering any context or logical rationale trivializes the experience of the group being addressed, not to mention the fact that by handing down an edict without any effort to get buy-in from the group you are depending on to implement, you have just told them in effect that their work as anything other than unskilled labor is meaningless. But I haven’t. But I’m angry about the whole thing. Can you tell?

In a nutshell, I’m angry. The odd thing is that I didn’t really go on this medicine for depression (at least not in the classic sense), it was for anger. Little things piss me off. I know we all say that, but I mean, little things leave me in a white hot fury that keeps me awake at night. That’s not healthy and I’m just not sure how to deal with it. Please don’t suggest counseling – our insurance doesn’t cover it and I can’t afford it. Maybe its running, maybe its meditation, I don’t know, but I need to find a way. Anybody know any good books?

I don’t have a lot of serious bad things to deal with in my life – I mean, yeah, my husband’s work situation means our income flow varies wildly, but we’re managing okay although I do feel like we tend to overspend. But we aren’t digging ourselves deeper in debt, so its not mega serious. I will say it feels serious to me though. But other than that, we have a nice home, we are healthy – yeah, we have the same speed bumps we all experience, but I can’t say I feel like we have more than the average bear.

But what I am left with is a pt of anger. These little things make it flare up, but its like the ember of that fury is always there just waiting for something to happen. Why am I so furious? I have some bad stuff in my childhood that has certainly made me angry and bitter and some of that has dragged well into my adulthood. Maybe I haven’t let that go? Maybe it’s just my personality? Maybe it’s a character trait I need to work on? I don’t know. But I look around at the world around me and I know I’m not alone. People are angry and something as simple as driving to the office or stopping in the grocery will prove that point. Maybe the source is completely outside of me. I can’t change society, but I can change my perception. I’m just not sure how.

Maybe trying to go off this medicine is a bad idea.

In other news, I’ve been using light beer, light nachos, and low cal ice cream in inappropriate quantities to cool down that white hot fury. And hiding in a book. I don’t think this is the best way to handle stress, but despite my searching, I still haven’t found a better way. It’s ironic: despite the many blessings of my life, I feel like overall my quality of life is average at best. I read an article the other day that said that adults become increasingly unhappy in adulthood, peaking at age 45. After that, they became progressively happier. But I don’t want to wait until my child is out of the house or I’m retired to feel joy.