More about the dump

Thanks for all the comments. As always, I get a lot of great perspective. One thing that got me thinking about this in a more focused way was the article I was reading the other day about the results of one of those long term studies. The results were a “curve” of happiness that is shaped like the letter “U”: we are happy as kids, but once we reach adulthood we become progressively more unhappy until age 45, at which point people start becoming more happy and that happiness continues to increase. I guess that probably turns back around at some point based on health etc, but that’s the general idea. There were no conclusions drawn as to why happiness would look like that, but it got me thinking.

Every day at lunch I take a 30 minute walk with a friend. We’ve been doing this for 3 or 4 years. As a result, we’re pretty close, know an awful lot about each other’s marriages, and have grown in many ways as a result of the friendship. Here is a woman that outwardly is a poster child of success and happiness: a pretty good marriage of 20+ years, a strong faith and very active in her church, they both have good jobs and make good money, their house is paid for and they are tracking well in their retirement savings. No kids, but both are close with their families. And yet she suffers from the same feelings of anger, tiredness, lack of joy, inability to unwind… you get the idea. This reinforces to me that while I certainly carry some vestiges of anger around my dad & his family, people are feeling this way in general. We’re too wound up. We don’t have enough time to wind down. We’re too busy, too connected, and too caught up in it all to step off the treadmill – we can’t even find the exit or the proverbial “pause” button!

Jack’s grandma is pretty smart – if you have these feelings, you have to focus on fixing the source and not treating the symptom. And if you can’t control it, learn to let go. But how? I don’t have a clear cut answer, my friend doesn’t have an answer. One solution would be a radical change of lifestyle, but I choose to deal with this rather than create a situation where I forfeit my retirement savings, health care, and ability to pay for my son’s college education. Am I trading my mental health for material wealth? Maybe a little bit. It would be nice to create a “retreat” for myself, but my home is a source of a whole different set of stressors.

Like most moms, I am the hub that keeps the family wheel turning. I am the only one that cooks, I am the one that helps with homework, and while the household chores are pretty evenly divided, I am the only one who cares when things start really slipping.

In addition, I am the primary provider. My husband has an excellent work ethic, but his solution for every financial issue is “work harder.” He has no concept of financial planning – he couldn’t keep his checkbook balanced on his own! I have no issue at all with the income disparity, but it is hard because I am the captain of the ship and when it comes to finances, I have no ‘first mate” – its just me, myself, and I. My husband has no idea of how much we have saved for retirement, and would have no idea to figure out how much we will need. I do the budget, pay the bills, etc – in short, all long and short term decisions fall to me. And while I certainly would not want a husband that feels the need to run the show, it would be nice to feel like this area were more of a partnership. But I married the man I did, no regrets. And that’s not who he is. This rarely bothers me, but it’s another example of the responsibility I carry on my shoulders – largely unaided.

While physical activity is certainly a good physical outlet for me, it doesn’t feel like the mental outlet that I need as well. That’s the piece I feel I need to find. I know running etc. serves that purpose for some folks, it doesn’t fulfill that need in me – at least not completely.

One thing I’m thinking is that one night a week my son cooks and one night a week my husband cooks. Hub can grill and open a can of green beans. The boy will be a bit more work, but if I teach him how to make 4 things, then he has a month’s worth of dinners. Its tough to go to the gym, get home around 5 or 5;30, tired - and then have to fix supper. We have gone out the past 3 nights – that is utterly unheard of in my house!

The fact that I keep waffling between okay and not okay tells me that things aren’t “okay” – it’s a load I can only maintain for so long, and then I have to become basically non-functional for a few days, then get back to it. I’m no genius, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

I still have a lot to think about – I need to find something to help relieve the stress that doesn’t feel like another chore tacked onto my already too long list. Anyway, since you’ve followed the bouncing ball that is my mind for 2 whole days and gosh only knows how many pages – a recipe!

Baked Tomatoes

2 large tomatoes, sliced
4 or 5 large basil leaves, torn
¼ cup shredded cheddar (I like the 2% just fine)
2 T each of low fat and fat free mayo (You need the texture of the fat, so mixing lets you keep the calories low)

Take a small baking dish and layer tomatoes, sprinkling each layer with salt & pepper and some of the basil. Do this until your tomatoes are used up. Mix the mayo & cheese and drop in dollops around the top. I usually heat it in the microwave for 2 – 3 minutes, and then just brown it in the oven, or you can bake it (at 400 or so) if the oven is going to be on anyway. The temp is pretty forgiving – all you need to do is get it good & hot and the cheese melted.

This makes 2 side servings and is amazing!