Where did the week go?

Since I was off Monday, I've been working long days for the rest of the week to make up (most) of the time.  AH, the carefree life of a contractor! ;-) Anyway, between getting off work late, son being home in the evenings, and things just being busy here (mom took off for Georgia and I am in charge of the dog pack), I just haven't posted.

My Atkins book arrived - I really like it.  I've nearly finished reading it.  It's a "new and improved" Atkins, and looks at "net carbs".  So basically phase 1 is meats, healthy fats (including dairy), and veggies.  The goal for phase 1 is 20 net carbs per day.  I am going to start once I get back from camping.  Not making excuses, but it is too difficult to work out food when primitive camping to try & figure out carb counts.  I will focus on eating healthy, minimally processed.  There is actually a produce stand on site!

Did not get the job I posted for - it was supporting our other product and I have NO experience on it, so I wasn't terribly surprised.

My terrier managed to cut herself on some chicken wire trying to get under the storage barn (rabbits & other small animals go under there sometimes).  At least that's my working hypothesis.  So my friend Kay is coming and we are going to put lattice around the base of the barn.  I am going to get it pre cut at Lowe's, so the overall effect is going to be pretty trashy, but it will be effective.

I used to have access to several thousand dollars of really nice power tools.  Now I have none.  I need to get a few things, and learn how to use them.  Sadly, the local community college does not seem to offer an "adult shop" class!

Have a good day!

Operation GMST*

Okay, I've been thinking about this for several days now.  While it is okay to be somewhat adrift, it is NOT okay to remain in passive mode doing nothing about it for an extended period of time.  Navel gazing only gets you so far!

This is a multi-fold plan.  Stages, setbacks, lulls, and wrong turns are all okay.  Remaining in pitiful pearl mode is not okay.

Number 1:  Let's work on a little self compassion.  It's not so much an esteem issue as the fact that I always expect unreasonable things from myself.  Ordered:

Also, I emailed Blaine at Crossfit and told him I would be back after Pennsic.  Working out in a gym with no air conditioning when it's in the upper 90s and the humidity makes it feel like 100+ is not working for me.  And I've been beating myself up for not going, but it's making me feel absolutely ill afterward due to the heat.  In short, I've been setting myself up to feel worse about myself.  STOP it!

Number 2:  Health.  Yeah, carbs, you gotta go. Ordered:

I love you, but we HAVE to break up.  You're just no good for me.

Number 3:  Being social, doing things with friends.  Being there for them as well as asking them to be here for me.  A+.  I probably have better, closer relationships with my close girlfriends than I have in YEARS.  Friends are important!

Number 4: Doing something important.  Am looking into finding 1-2 places I really want to volunteer.  I could spare a few hours a month to help someone other than myself (or my friends).  And I think I would feel a lot better about me if I did!

Number 5:  Hobbies (good point Gwen!).  I'm a girl with too many hobbies! :-)  But many I can't really indulge in right now since so much of my stuff is in storage.  But I'm doing what I can on this front.

Number 6: Stop dreading, start doing.  Already talked to my tenant.  She hopes to buy the house by the end of the year.  I let her know I plan to have it sold by late spring as that is when I intend to look for a house.  I hope like anything we can work it out, but I let her know there is an end point at which I will have to move on.  Post vacation: start looking for a full time job.  :-(  I like contracting, but I need something steadier for the next few years.

And the title: Get My S&^% Together. :-)  I remain a work in progress.

Take care!

 

A different version of the same mistake

While different, this week has been as difficult as I've had since the separation.  For so much of my life, I've done what a lot of girls who were raised without a strong, positive male influence do:  looked to men for affirmation. I thought I was past that, but I realized that no, not really.

I didn't realize how much of my sense of identity and self worth was tied into being a successful employee at a major corporation, making a good home, being a good wife and mother.  Now I'm a contractor, living in someone else's home, without a husband, and a grown son who isn't nearly as dependent on me as he once was.

No wonder I'm adrift.  It's not just the level of uncertainty.  It's the realization that I don't have a good handle on who I am.  I feel like my yardsticks for measuring my self worth are gone.  I don't know what I do to add value to the world.

So what's next?  I have no clue.  This last week was a mess.  I HAVE to be done with that - it's getting me nowhere.  I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Still pondering

Hey there.  Work was fine, ate what I packed, blah blah.  Tonight is water aerobics and food is ready for tomorrow.  When I get home from water aerobics I will want something to eat, need to figure out what will make a good snack that I will enjoy.

I'm seriously considering doing a better job of tracking (and limiting) my carbs.  I generally stay away from breads, pastas, and other processed foods.  But I think I may look into Atkins when I get home from camping.  For now I'll tighten down a bit more, but I want to buy the book - or check it out from the library.

I was feeling kinda down today.  I plan to start looking for a full time job when I get home from vacation.  I enjoy contracting, but I'm not sure right now I can handle the uncertainty.  Maybe if the house were sold.  That's another thing - after vacation I plan to call my tenant.  The lease is up 1 November, I need to know what she's thinking about that.  So much to consider - no wonder if feels a bit overwhelming.  

I don't know how to wind down

Day turned out much better than I thought it might, although I had too much to do.  Son woke up happy and well rested, took care of brakes, and relaxed (which he needed).  I did food prep, laundry, etc.

I am discovering that food and/ or a beer (or glass of wine) serves as my signal that it's time to wind down.  I'm clean, face washed, teeth brushed, supplements taken, and I find myself sitting here thinking "now what?".  I need a new signal to tell me to relax. Something to ponder....

Feeling a bit frustrated

Good morning!  Can I vent for a moment here?  (Of course I can, it's my blog!)

I've raised a pretty good kid if I do say so myself: he's competent, kind, and hard working.  I don't take all the credit, and of course at 20 he is still a work in progress, but he's a good kid. 

On the plus side is that he is caring and generous.  One the negative, it sometimes I feel like I get placed last in his priorities.  He is working and saving money to go back to school, but I am subsidizing him somewhat.  One thing I recently did was pay the tax & tags on his car.  In return, I asked him to do the brakes on my car.  The problem is that doing that falls behind working on his stuff and working on his grandpa's house.  Well, I can't wait forever for my brakes to get done! 

He isn't selfish - certainly less so than your average 20 year old, but I still get frustrated when working on my stuff (for which he gets paid more than he does by his grandpa) is lower priority than everything else!  UGH!

I had a nice time yesterday - went out to lunch with my friend, hung out by the pool, then she came over and I fixed supper for everyone (family got home right at supper time).  It was a nice day.

I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit like this today:

Happy Weekend!

Good morning!  My son & mom headed for the beach Thursday, so I've been home alone.  Living with my mom, I really miss my alone time.  I'm very grateful we have the kind of relationship where this is working fine, but I am a person that really needs some solitude.  They are headed home this afternoon.

Ran errands, went to the gym, blah blah blah. :-)  Been an okay week.

Certain things mean summer to me:  from childhood it's the sound of cicadas and the smell of tomato plants in the garden.  As an adult, I've added watching the tour de France, which I really enjoy.  We don't have cable, but sometimes they show it on NBC on the weekends.

This afternoon I am hanging out with a girlfriend over at her sister's house.  (She has been doing contract work for the past couple of years and traveling a lot, so she's been just living out of her sister's house).  She has a regular full time job now and is getting her own place at the end of the month.  Anyway, they live a couple of miles away and have a pool, so yay! :-)

It's funny - I know several people my age who are living with friends and/ or family.  I think it's smart, but I also think it's a good indicator of the state of the economy.

I hope you have a good weekend!

"Everything I never knew I always wanted"

That title was the title of a post on http://carlabirnberg.com/ (it's a quote from "Fools Rush In" - a very silly enjoyable rom com).  I love that quote - it perfectly captures what it is I feel like I need to find - not a person, so much as a passion.

So, today was Cross Fit.  I never regret going, but sometimes it is hard to get there.  It is hard, and way outside my comfort zone.  But I always feel accomplished when I leave the gym.

Work was fine, ate my packed food.  Dinner was potato, baked fish, and roasted broccoli. My mom and son are headed to the beach this weekend - I'll be here, dog sitting.  Getting together at some point with a friend.  I'm very much looking forward to a quiet weekend home alone. 

I have an interview tomorrow (with my boss) for a full time position on my team.  I don't know what will happen.  If I don't get it I will be disappointed, but I know I'll be okay.  So, fingers crossed! :-)

Okay, going to take a shower!  Take care!

Family, friends, fun & food

Sorry to leave you hanging again - I was busy having a wonderful weekend!!!

A dear friend Kay came for the weekend, my son was here, and a friend of his.  We grilled out a bunch, watched movies (including "Independence Day"), and just hung out.  It was awesome!  I needed that - I really relaxed. :-)

Saturday morning I went to Cross Fit and had a long talk with the owner.  I've been feeling frustrated lately - I haven't been sure about my form and feel like I haven't been making progress.  He assured my I was doing fine & on track, but said he would also bring it up with the other 2 teachers.  I also committed to coming in a practicing my form more, even if I'm not going in to work out.  Today after work I went over & worked on my cleans before dinner.  I'm going to water aerobics in a few minutes.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well!

I made a really good recipe for breakfast this week:

Thai style burgers:  garlic, ginger, lemongrass & cilantro, topped with an Asian slaw:  slaw mix with cilantro, sesame oil & lime juice. 

Really good and a nice serving of veggies with breakfast!

Have a good day! :-)

Then I left you hanging

Good morning.

Just a quick note before I head for work.  I've been to water aerobics and Cross Fit this week.  I've also done some emotional eating, but I am feeling better.  I've got my travel plans sorted out for my trip to Pennsylvania at the end of the month.

On our call Tuesday, Sean asked us to finish the sentence, "When I have lost the weight, I ...".  My answer was a bit backward, because my sentence is "When I ..., then I will lose the weight."  I've said it before, but I have to deal with the empty place I fill with food.  It's not just emotional eating, it's eating to fill that void. 

Working on it - sometimes with mixed results, but working on it.

Have a good day!

More navel gazing

Yesterday I met a girlfriend for lunch, then drove to Durham for a cookout with friends.  It was a satisfyingly social day.  Today is Cinderella duties.

I'm excited about our trip, feel more confident in my financial security as a result of the signed separation agreement, but I still feel .. wow.

Years of trying so hard to keep my marriage together, and putting up with so much crap, and doing so much for that guy.  And then he shows up to the signing with a toddler seat in the back of his car.  Yeah, unfaithful much?  What a jerk.

So, what's next?  I had envisioned buying a house and then renovating it just the way we wanted it (the perks of being married to a contractor).  Now?  Hell, I have no idea. 

It's hard to get excited about putting one foot in front of the other when you have no idea where you are going.

Turn the page

I have spent the past 20 or so years doing what women all around the world do: support and nurture their families.  I’ve provided financially and emotionally, and my efforts have taken care of us and allowed others to pursue goals and dreams.  There have been successes and failures along the way.  And like many women, I have happily allowed my own dreams to take a back seat, believing “my turn” would come.

The past year has brought about a sea change in nearly every aspect of my life, and the next year promises to bring even more.  With change comes opportunity if you are willing to grab it.  I’ve been asking myself lately what dreams I want to pursue.  I don’t have a lot of concrete answers and that’s okay.  But I’ve been yearning to do something epic.

I’ve decided this year I am crossing a big item off my bucket list:  I am making a cross country trip with my son.  Beyond visiting a dear friend in Phoenix, Moab, the Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, the rest is TBD.  We have to work out the itinerary and timeline, but I have reached a point where I am able and ready to make my own goals and dreams a priority.

Maybe a different woman could have done a better job of balancing those dreams of her family with her own.  I guess I’m too much of an “all in” person to have done it that way.  I waited “my turn”, before realizing that you can’t wait, you have you make your turn.

Our cross country trip to see some of the best America has to offer might be the “official” start, but really, the journey is already underway.

TGIF

Guys, it's been as rough a week emotionally as I have had in months.  But the papers are signed, the car titles are transferred.

Blech

Ever feel like you are a salmon trying to swim upriver, but barely holding your own?  The last couple of days I just felt like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life.  While that isn't reality, it's how I feel.  And it stinks feeling that way.

Here is a picture of the food I am packing this week:

That riced cauliflower looks weird. :-)

I know this feeling will pass, I don't like coming here and being a negative nellie, but I guess we all feel that way sometimes!

I had dinner with 2 friends over the weekend, so that was nice.  I'm hanging in here, but the heat is kinda miserable.  It was 98 today.

Take care!

Define "salad"

I just finished my food prep for the week.  Yay!  I made myself a different variation of salad that I haven't made in a while, and I got to thinking about salad.  Some bloggers say they don't like salad.  That may be true, but I also think a lot of people have a pretty narrow definition.

My salads that I pack for lunch never include lettuce or spinach or anything like that - they just don't hold up well. This salad is no exception to that rule.  I'll give you the base and today's version, but you can take this salad in any flavor direction you'd like.

Cauliflower salad

Rice a head of cauliflower in the food processor  (after that there are no rules!)
Today's included
grilled chicken
a can of black beans
cilantro
green onions (red are good too)
I could have put roasted corn but didn't have any
chili and garlic powder
lime juice
salt
an english cucumber, diced

This will keep in the fridge all week.  Every night before I pack some for lunch I plan to add:
diced tomato and avocado

As you can imagine the portions are quite large and low in calories and carbs, but an excellent source of good fats & protein.

It's super hot here today.  I went for a walk in the park and am spending today inside.  I miss you, spring!

Hope you have a good day!

And .... moving on

So, here's the thing: In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.  We've been separated for 3 months, so 9 more to go.  You can do it one of 2 ways: you can get a legal separation agreement at any point in that year, or you can wait to quibble over shit until the end and drag it out.  We already have a verbal agreement, I want to get it in writing.  But husband is the kind to do any and everything in order to avoid anything "unpleasant". 

He had planned to come down here this weekend to help his mom with some stuff, but when that became unnecessary, I think he decided "why bother"? Although he has to register son's car by the end of the month or sign it over to me, so I do think he will likely come next weekend as that is his last possible chance to avoid shelling out for the car.  But once he signs, he also loses his ability to say "If you don't do xyz, then I will xyz."  And yeah, extortion is one of the tools in his arsenal to get his way.

SO.

Had a bit of a pity party last night, then got up this morning and went to the gym.  Food is planned and purchased, and will be prepped tomorrow.  I've applied for the open position on our team, balanced my checkbook, and done some housework.  Tonight I am having dinner with a girlfriend.  Tomorrow is more Cinderella work (laundry and cooking) plus maybe a walk in the park. 

So, yeah, pretty disappointed but not surprised.

Have a good day!

ugh

Guess who backed out of signing the papers?  Ugh.  Back tomorrow.

I got nothing

Stressed.

Started watching "Grace and Frankie" on netflix.  It's pretty cute.  Work was okay, have some nice plans with friends for the weekend, plus some down time.  Just looking forward to getting this done.  Will report in tomorrow night.

Good night!

We shall see

The good:  Husband claims he will meet me Friday afternoon around 3 or 3:30.  We'll see if he actually signs the separation agreement.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  So that could be good!

The "bad":  Cross Fit.  Okay, it wasn't bad, but it was HARD.  Very tough partner workout.

The ugly:  I think a while back I mentioned our good family friend (they used to live next door and I babysat for their son).  His wife is mom's best friend and he was a finance professor and my mentor in grad school.  He was diagnosed with cancer, which they treated.  It is back and it is everywhere.  The situation is just awful.  She came over to cry on mom's shoulder - I headed out early to the gym so they could talk.  I just feel so terrible.

Day was typical; ate my packed food, came home, went to the gym, ate supper.  Need to take a shower and pack my food for tomorrow.

That's all I got.

Anxiety

So, this week I am waiting with baited breath to see if my husband will actually sign the separation agreement on Friday.  Cross your fingers for me!

This week is okay.  It's hot, I went to Cross Fit and it was a sweatfest, but I loved it.  I need to go shower and pack my food before my 8 PM weight loss support group conference call.

I leave you with this thought: