And what if I don’t?

Last night I was leaving work to pick up the boy to deliver him to tae kwon do. I was tired. Mentally wiped by an afternoon of a lot of very detailed work. I knew I wasn’t going to the gym (that’s today this week) and dinner wasn’t anything too difficult – the turkey breast was in the crockpot, the squash casserole was made – just needed to be cooked, bake the acorn squash, and make some gravy. I was looking forward to the chance to go home & soak in the tub with a good book for a while.

Immediately my thoughts took an ugly turn. “Ooh – you have to stop by the grocery for green beans. You could get a bag of buffalo pretzels – they’re on sale. And a 22 oz beer to share with hubby. Better yet, get a 6 pack and that way you can have one in the tub with some buffalo pretzels before he gets home and then another later while watching tv.” Obviously, this kind of thinking is what got me overweight. So, all the way to picking up the boy, driving him to tae kwon do, and waiting while he changed, I had my fantasy. I drove to the grocery, parked the car, and thought “What if I don’t?”

I realized at that moment that while I was hungry, I didn’t need buffalo pretzels and beer to manage hunger. A slice of lunch meat & cheese rolled together would make a healthy and satisfying snack to tide me over. Yes, I did need to do something about the physical hunger (I am one of those people who must graze – I get faint pretty quickly if I don’t eat a little nibble every couple of hours), but I didn’t need food to fix the mental hunger.

I bought the green beans, went home & had my snack, and soaked in the tub with only a glass of diet pepsi. Wooziness solved, mental fatigue solved, no buffalo pretzels consumed.

I felt good about the choice I made, but it sucks that I am a person who has to deal with this kind of thinking almost daily. Constant vigilance is required to keep reminding myself there are other, better, more satisfying ways of filling the void inside my mind.

I guess it’s like a disease or “physical condition” in that it will likely never go away – it’s all about managing it to the best of my ability. I’ve been at this 4 years now. I was in denial about this little fact for a long time, but my truth is that I will have to manage these thoughts and feelings the rest of my life. That’s just who I am. And that’s okay, we all have our crosses to bear, as the old saying goes. I am glad I am no longer deluded into believing just losing the weight will make that kind of thinking go away – it never has before.

152.5 – down 1.5 from last week. Yay me!

Yesterday – walked 55 min in am, 30 minutes at lunch.
Today I slept in, but will walk 30 min at lunch and have my gym bag in the car. That will the third time lifting weights this week baby!