Roller Coaster

It was a very emotional weekend. Nothing bad happened, I am just still processing through a lot of unpleasant family stuff. Sometimes its not big deal, and sometimes I get very emotional about it. I know that’s perfectly normal, but it’s still tough. I feel angry and hurt, and I deal with some of it. And when it gets to be too much I eat and turn it off for a bit. Sometimes I use “kitchen Prozac” – and when I do it with my eyes wide open, I try not to beat myself up about it after. I made a choice. Maybe someone else would have handled their emotions a different way, but I’m not someone else. I’m me. I had 2 episodes of intentional overeating this weekend. I also made healthy choices for many meals, and hit the gym for a solid workout Saturday morning. The gym is a habit again. And the “iron therapy” helps too.

I worked on my valences. I decided to make valences for my French doors in the living room and dining room, which adds four small valences to the 3 large ones. I got all my valences, lining, and tie-backs cut out. So that made me happy.

Friday our team from work did “team building”. We spent the morning at Urban Ministries, working in the food bank and soup kitchen. Then we had a nice lunch and spent the afternoon in a really excellent climbing gym climbing the walls! I had never done this before, and I will say I was a little worried. Have I mentioned I am scared of heights? We divided up into 2 groups of four, and I jumped right up and volunteered to go first in my group. My theory was that however slowly or uncertainly I did it, no one could say squat since they hadn’t tried! :-O Well, I loved it! They also do birthday parties, and I asked the boy if he would be interested. We are going back this Friday afternoon so he can give it a try. If he likes it, then we will book his birthday party there. Now that I am “certified”, I can go in any time, plop down my $15, put on the loaner gear & go. I may have discovered a new mental release. It’s hard to have angst when you are 40 feet in the air, clutched on to a wall by tiny little pieces of plastic! I can’t afford any more hobbies right now, but I would like to take a class eventually.

Sometimes I think I should be at goal weight by now. Then I realize that I have been dealing with the food issues at every weight I’ve ever been. In order to really change, I have to get at the root causes. I’ve proven I can stop eating & lose all the weight – I have. But I can’t stay there until I deal with why I overeat instead of just forcing myself to stop.

All this ugliness with my dad is my facing who & how he is and me choosing to stand up and speak for myself. If doing so alienates my sister (which it seems to have done), I still believe I have done the right thing. The older I get, the more clearly I realize that I am responsible for my wellbeing. If someone gets mad the moment I stop being a doormat, then they need to go find the door. I would never have said that 10 years ago. Only the most extreme of circumstances forced me to stand up to my dad then. Ten years ago, I would never have jumped up to be the first to climb a wall. I would have cowered in the back, dreading it. I am tired of dreading new things. I am tired of worrying what others think. I need to think about what I think.