Neca versus the Volcano

Have you ever seen the movie “Joe versus the Volcano”? It’s a really cute Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan movie. Anyway, Joe is tricked by an unscrupulous doctor into believing he has a terminal illness and only a few months to live. A wealthy businessman needs to secure the mineral rights to a rare mineral on a Pacific Island. (The dr. works for the businessman.) The businessman makes a deal with the natives, agreeing to provide them with a hero who will sacrifice himself to their god – the volcano. Joe is the hero of course.

At one point Joe is in a restaurant, having a conversation with a daughter of the businessman. He’s telling her that in order to really live life, you have to face your fear and do the thing you fear most. She replies, “You mean stop taking daddy’s money and leave L.A.??” He says, “Well yeah.” He knows she’s troubled, but doesn’t know her fear. But she is immediately able to identify that which scares her most.

I don’t know that most people could quickly put their finger on their fear that way, but it’s a good point. At some point in life it’s important to stop letting fear hold you back from the things you want to do. I’ve gone over & talked a couple of times with the asst. priest at my mom’s church (Episcopalian) about this topic. He’s helped me to realize that desires and goals are natural and good. But you have to acknowledge two things: 1) you may not get the outcome you want or the reaction from other people you desire, because you can only control your behavior – not theirs and 2) If you don’t get the reaction or outcome you want it won’t kill you. It may hurt, but you’ll be okay.

I’ve known for a year or so why I was afraid to lose more weight – I fear attention from men. So I’ve kept the last of the weight on. But I’ve realized that I am a very different person than I was the last time I lost weight and I am in a very good relationship. I don’t need to have this fear. I can see why I do – it’s rooted in life experience – but it isn’t necessary. I’ve also realized that wanting to reach out & try to have a relationship with my dad is normal – all kids want their parents to love them. But that doesn’t mean I’ll get love back in return. But if I don’t, it’s not because of who I am. The problem isn’t with me. I’ve left myself in these limbos, afraid to act because it was easier to stifle the desires than deal with the possible outcomes. Thinking about this, talking with Father Hamilton about this – has helped me realize that I’m okay and I’ll be okay no matter what happens.

I think part of it is the fact that I turn 40 next year. One nice thing we get with age is perspective. In our youth we worry so much about what other people think, as we get older I think we begin to realize that 1) other people really aren’t looking at us all that much and 2) we only have a certain amount of time and we need to use it well. Living in fear is not living well.

So lately I’ve been working or releasing my fear, being grateful for what I have, and acknowledging that failure won’t kill me. My reasons for emotional eating and not losing weight are not universal – but I think fear of failure is.

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I am glad this week is over – I am burnt toast! Other than the great pizza incident, I’ve done well with not using food as a comfort, so I am proud of that. My weight stayed the same – considering I am all bloated and holding water like Scrooge held his money, I think that’s a good outcome. I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend, hanging out with friends.

I am running Sunday – I don’t know how far. No promises, I’ll just get up and go until I’ve had enough. Then I’ll come home & make huevos rancheros for my friends! But I have my weekend food all planned out and I am sticking with this. I am feeling better physically, feeling stronger mentally, and am proud of how much internal listening I’ve done in the past 2 weeks.

Have a great weekend!