A review, a rant, and my attempts at creating an untenable scenario

At 9 am this morning I was starving. I had my usual breakfast at 7, but there was no way I could wait until 10 for my snack. I popped off to the caf for a little something, where I bought a slice of light whole wheat bread with a bit of pb and a Coke Blak. For those of you that haven’t seen it, this is Coke’s new “fusion beverage” – a coffee & Coke combo. One serving is 8 oz. and contains 45 calories. While that’s not a lot of calories, I wouldn’t make this a daily occurrence. But I’d wanted to try it for a while, so I did. If you’re thinking what I was thinking when I first heard of it “That sounds weird!”, you’d be correct. On first taste, I thought it was weird. It tastes more like Coke than coffee, although the flavors are fairly balanced. For some reason, the coffee made me think of chocolate flavored Coke. It reminded me of going to the soda fountain and ordering a flavored Coke. I enjoyed it, and I will have it again, but I won’t be having it on a regular basis – I prefer not to drink my calories, beer excepted!

Hub and I had a fight yesterday morning. While it wasn’t over anything huge, it left me feeling very very shaken. I managed to make it through the day, but I was just trying to keep it together until I could leave. I asked my mom to take the boy over to her house for the night because I didn’t want him to see me in the state I was in. I was not in a good place. I left work as soon as I could (3 pm), and went to K0hl’s to go shopping. I was hoping to avert a binge. I just desperately wanted my raw emotions numbed until I was ready to deal with them. I had a store credit and wanted a bathing suit top to wear with shorts while walking around down in Fla. I found a load of stuff on clearance – the bathing suit top, 2 purses, a great hat for the beach (which matches my swim suit tops), a small wallet to carry when I travel (it’s pink!), and 2 pair of flip-flops. The wallet and flip-flops were on sale, but not clearance. The flip-flops are the kind with the wedge heel and they have sequins – one pair is brown and the other is pink. The swim suit top (and hat) have aqua blues and browns in them. I wound up spending $25 dollars.

I was feeling better by the time I left the store, but when I called my mom they were still at my house, so I had a little time to kill. If the boy had known I wasn’t going to martial arts, he would have wanted to stay home so I was trying not to bump into them. So I drove to the Mexican place for cheese dip, chips, and jalepenos, and then stopped by the convenience store for beer. Sigh. It was all gone by the time hub got home. Not so good. We didn’t talk about it – it was still too raw for me and I wasn’t ready. Tonight he has the boy while I go to martial arts. I hope I can talk myself into going tonight. As horrid as I was feeling yesterday I’m not going to beat myself up over what happened – that was the worst fight we’ve had since around Thanksgiving. Sure we quibble about this & that, but we don’t argue at that level often, so when it happens it really affects me.

It’s pretty ironic – today is our wedding anniversary. I had bought a really cute card with 2 doggies on the front that says “communication is everything” on the inside. I gave it to him this morning. As I left he wished me a happy anniversary and I just sobbed as I walked out the door.

Have you ever read fitness/weight loss advice that read something like “Live like a fit person and your body will follow.”? That’s what I’m trying to do: eat healthy foods in appropriate portions and keep very very active. If I live like an athlete, perhaps my body will give up the fat. I have a pretty ambitious schedule for hitting the martial arts, on top of morning walk/runs, and of course lifting at least twice a week. If I can keep that up I’ll be in really good shape come the end of summer. I just have to stay on track while we’re in Fla. for the week. I have to say, I wish I were just staying home. I know we’ll have fun, I’m just tired. And I’m scared I’ll eat the world and get no exercise. I hope I can get to a place where I can trust myself to make healthy choices no matter where I am. Vacation shouldn’t mean eat every high calorie food you can dredge up.

Okay, time to put a gag on the negative voice. And have my real morning snack.