Mea culpa, food police

Last night, healthful eating took a back seat. After my workout I realized I was really hungry and wasn’t feeling good, so I decided to eat some extra carbs. Dinner was a small baked chicken breast and a can of Chef Boyardee 99% fat free ravioli. My evening snack was a beer (a real one!) and 2 low fat string cheeses. Veggies? I’ll eat extra today. Wednesday night is frequently a mid week “cheat” so I don’t go ballistic – its more mental than anything else, but it helps get me through that mid week slump.

I feel better this morning. I also experimented with my protein shakes – the banana was NASTY. Sorry, I just am not a banana fan. My chocolate shake has half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a packet of stevia (an all natural sweetener I highly recommend). I added a peach alongside the breakfast shake. The vanilla has orange/mango juice. I know it’s better to eat your fruit, but it’s at least all natural not from concentrate juice. I have a tomato/ okra medley and steamed broccoli to go with lunch. Dinner is chicken adobo in the crock pot (for the record, this is my 5th night in a row of chicken), roasted red potatoes and steamed broccoli. It’s back to the N/A “beer” tonight.

Here is a link to an interesting article on processed foods from MSN:
http://health.msn.com/dietfitness/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100164969&GT1=10109

I recently purchased a cookbook from Amazon called “Dee’s Mighty Cookbook”. To learn more about the book or the author, check out her website: http://www.centerforprocessedfreeliving.org/ In a nutshell, her recipes use no sugar or flour, and focus on eating minimally processed foods. I am making a couple of recipes next week – they sound excellent! While I’m not sure I could completely eliminate these foods from our diet (see last night’s rendezvous with Chef B.), these meal ideas certainly seem a good way to start. If I could get to 85% I’m sure it would help protect out health. I’m probably at 70% already, but I’m always on the lookout for new ideas & recipes to keep it fresh.

Someone posted a comment to the effect of “no way I could do that!”. For me, it’s not truly difficult. I’m not really hungry (although my tummy is growling when it’s time for my next shake!) and since I’m having a dinner I enjoy, I don’t feel deprived. And honestly, sometimes this whole pre-planning pre-packing gets old, and shakes make that whole thing a lot easier. Laziness occasionally outweighs my need for variety. ;-)

Having said all that, I’m going back to food next week so I don’t go insane. I’m thinking something like this:

B: 6 chopped almonds, ½ cup cottage cheese, and frozen mixed berries.
S: half a grilled chicken breast and vegetables
L: baked salmon and veggies
S: half a grilled chicken breast and a piece of fruit
D: misc, but this is where I will have a carb since I work out in the afternoon
S: ?

I can live with that for 6 days!

This Saturday is the last one we will be going anywhere until Pensic. I am looking forward to being home for a month, even if I will be busy getting ready.

And believe it or not, I’m looking forward to getting the family truckster back this weekend. I must be getting old if I’m looking forward to swapping a sporty convertible for my minivan. The key word in that sentence is “my”, for I am truly a creature of habit.

I went to the gym after work yesterday and did an interval workout. I’m feeling a lot better, but my energy is still kinda low. I walked again this morning and I’m lifting weights this afternoon. I’ll only get in 2 interval workouts this week I’m thinking, but I did add a couple of walks. Hopefully next week I’ll be 100% again.

Tomorrow I will give a scale report. I’m really hoping to see some change for the good!

Don’t judge me

Desperate times call for desperate measures etc etc. I have come to a radical decision, one borne out of frustration. It may deprive me of my sanity, but that’s a small price to get the scale moving, right???

This week I am eating 1 meal and 1 snack per day – the other 4 feedings are protein shakes. High quality protein plus either milk or water and fruit. I have 2 veggies to go with my lunchtime shake (greens and raw tomatoes today). Dinner is just a regular healthy meal and I am having a small evening snack – 2 low fat string cheeses and a small portion of carb. Because the shakes are roughly 250 calories each, I can have a sensible dinner (oh my god I sound like a slim fast commercial) and a small snack (160 calories) and come in under her 1500 calorie cap. I’ll only do this for 6 days and then on the 7th eat normally. I may alternate weeks – I suspect I’ll get sick of protein shakes pdq, but it’s a way to make sure I stay in my calorie range.

I went to the gym yesterday & had an excellent workout. I got up this morning and walked – this afternoon I am hitting the gym. The house is pretty clean and I am actually feeling somewhat caught up. My mom’s check engine light is off, although I couldn’t get the top up this morning. I sure hope it doesn’t rain today!!!

Is it Friday yet?????

I may be a gym slackard, but my kitchen is clean!!!

So, yesterday was a sort of lost cause – I didn’t get to work until 11, which meant I was here until pretty late. So I skipped the gym, went home & ate supper, then started on cleaning the kitchen. This morning I slept in a bit, got up, and finished the kitchen. I elected not to go to the gym because 1) I had to leave early to get my mom’s car to the dealership because the check engine light is back on again!!! and 2) I wanted my kitchen clean.

I am going to the trainer this afternoon – he is updating my measurements & body fat. Not super excited – I expect to be underwhelmed by my progress. It’s 4 and a half weeks until vacation and I am miserable about my weight. Ugh.

I could use some advice. I have curves you see – a small waist relative to my hips. I have a tough time finding clothes that are made for my figure. Any ideas? Recommendations? My doctor suggested Talbot’s – like I can afford that!

So I have to get up every day the rest of this week and get to the gym to get in my 3 interval workouts. We have to leave the house by 6:30 Saturday to head to Asheville, so I doubt I’ll make the gym that morning. I’d like to, but it’s not realistic. Between the doctor, my mom’s accursed car, and the gym, I am feeling majorly crunched for time this week. Who has time for a full time job?????

Catching up

Friday was pretty crazy – the check engine light came on in my mom’s new-to-her car, so I had to take it in to the shop. She took my minivan to Florida, so I was left with the Cabrio. A sensor had to be replaced, as did the serpentine belt. Ouch. We drove it to our medieval event this weekend (1 hour west) and then to a party (1 hour east). Hub said it was cute but that Germans need to put more cup holders in their cars, and if I ever decided to get a convertible, to please get an American one so he’d have a place to put his coffee. (You see his priorities).

I am still a snot factory, but the output has significantly diminished. I’m feeling pretty good. Saturday was super busy, but hub didn’t have to work and was able to go with me – that was really nice. Sunday I went to the gym and lifted weights. Our house is not totally clean, but that seems to be an ongoing condition.

This morning I went to the doctor. She is taking me off the Welbutrin and changing to Celexa, which she thinks will be more appropriate. She is doing some blood work to check my thyroid etc, but basically said “eat 1200 calories a day.” Ouch! I’ll keep you posted on how that works out. Ugh.

Anyway, good weekend overall. Not too thrilled with the new eating regime – not sure how that will work.

She also told me to go buy some nice clothes for this weight!

If you really loved me, you’d hire a maid

Housework? Pah! I am too sick to clean. I am too sick to do anything other than sit in my chair, watching Star Trek and feeling pathetic. I have no energy, and feel too pitiful to care that my house is a mess. Thankfully, the hub is beginning to recover. He was able to get up this morning and take out the trash and run the dishwasher (bless him). I slept in, got up and puttered about, and was able to toss a load of dirty clothes in the washer (this involved taking unfolded clean clothes and dumping them on the bed, picking dirty clothes up off the floor, and sorting them), get my stuff out of my car (my mom is taking it to Florida tomorrow), and getting ready for work. My hair is up in a clip and make-up is sketchy, but my shoes match. I have no sick time and I am loathe to waste a vacation day for just a cold.

The gym will have to survive without me today. I am scheduled to lift weights tomorrow, but I hope we can keep it low key. Saturday is a long day full of stuff, I hope I am feeling better. Hub did seem to improve after a couple of days. I totally indulged in carbs last night (pierogies make me feel better! And beer makes me not care I feel like crud!), but fear not, I packed my lunch today. Whoopy doopy doo.

Bare minimum.

In an amazing turn of events, I now have my husband’s summer cold. Gah. I woke up with a horrid headache. And we didn’t sleep very well because we had a storm, which meant Chyna was trying to climb out of her skin and into ours. The vet has some all natural drops to try – if that doesn’t work, then we’ll look into something stronger.

I wanted to sleep in, but I got my butt out of the bed, into some clothes, and into the car – clutching my cup of diet Pepsi like a life preserver (which it is!). I did the bare minimum workout – a warm-up plus 3 sets of intervals (1 minute of running from Freddy Kreuger and 2 minutes of active recovery). I did cut a couple of minutes off the cool down. But I was glad to have it out of the way for the day. I wish I could go home and die, but I’m afraid there’s a bit of housework to be done. Not too much, thankfully!

That is all.

Mike Roussell - The 6 Pillars of Nutrition

1. Eat five to six times a day.
2. Limit your consumption of sugars and processed foods.
3. Eat fruits and vegetables throughout the day.
4. Drink more water and cut out calorie-containing beverages (beer, soda, etc.).
5. Focus on consuming lean proteins throughout the day.
6. Save starch containing foods until after a workout or for breakfast.

For the curious, these are the nutrition principles I am following (other than 4 free meals per week).

Dear Angela,

From yesterday’s comments: “Are you wanting to do this? I mean, are you wanting to do the working out eating right sticking to it and being in the groove sort of thing? Please tell me you aren't. Please tell me you are just DOING IT even though it is kind of not on your top ten list of favorite things to be doing right now. Because I CAN'T GET BACK INTO IT TO SAVE MY LIFE. And it is scaring me. A whole lot. And so if you are just doing it and not waiting to want to, maybe I can do that too. Argh. This has been the pits.”

No, I am not wanting to do this. As I walk to my car in the 90 degree heat, the thought of the gym does not thrill. I don’t do a happy dance when I pull half a chicken breast and sliced tomato out of my lunch box for a morning sack. I’ll even fess to a tinge of guilty relief when my sick husband asked me to skip spin class last night to get him some kim chi ji gae from the Korean restaurant (hot as hades soup which is the cure for the common cold).

I don’t want to buy a new wardrobe either. I have almost no long pants that fit. If it weren’t for these cheap capris I found at W-M (and bought 6 pair), I’d be working from home in a bath robe. I am worried. I have gained 20 pounds in the past 18 months and can’t seem to lose. I have an appointment with my doctor next week to discuss. I’m considering asking for a prescription for an appetite suppressant (which I seriously doubt she’ll give me) because I don’t want to be hungry all the time, but I can’t keep gaining weight either. I got up and walked this morning so I could get in an hour of exercise today. I am beginning to get freaky about missing a workout. I feel like this is harder than it should be, but I don’t know why.

Motivation is overrated. Are you motivated to brush your teeth? Wash your face? Probably not – it’s just something you do to take care of yourself. Healthy food & exercise is the same thing, just on a bigger scale. Unfortunately, I sometimes skip that evening face washing and teeth brushing on the weekend too.

I wish I had some profound insight – I don’t, other than my spiel above about motivation.

Some random observations: Just do it is actually pretty profound. Don’t open the dialogue with yourself when you don’t feel like it. Hang up the phone. Make it non negotiable (unless your husband is sick! ha). It’s hard to hit the vending machine when you have no money in your wallet. Real food looks better when you are truly physically hungry. Walking IS exercise, even if you are listening to the birdies and enjoying the view.

I’ll hang in there if you will.

Morning workouts that .. work out

I am finally getting into the groove of working out in the morning (knock on wood). I was able to get up at 5 yesterday and today to hit the gym for my HIIT (get it? Ha ha ha!) Yesterday was nearly tragic as my MP3 died 4 minutes into my workout! But since I’d made all the effort to get there I did the minimum. Luckily, hub was able to re-set it – I was afraid it had died.

Speaking of hub, I think he had a nice father’s day. I took him to Cracker Barrel for breakfast (his fave), we grilled out steak for lunch, and he got fried chicken for dinner. We just futzed around the house and he & my mom went to the movies yesterday afternoon.

I did not go to the movies. Saturday I was really grumpy and just generally had a frustrating didn’t-get-very-much-accomplished kind of day. Yesterday I was able to get a lot of sewing done, take a 20 minute power nap, do my cooking, and have a nice tub bath. Way to pull out the weekend!

I went to the bank with my mom today (she doesn’t like doing that sort of thing herself). She is buying a used VW Cabrio. She’s wanted one for a while and this one is very nice. It’s so cool to see my mom really enjoying her retirement.

I didn’t work out Saturday, but did get to the gym Sunday. I did HIIT this morning, and I’m signed up for spin class this afternoon. I tried to actually eat things like vegetables this weekend, which really does make it easier to feel full.

Well, that’s about all I know. How was your weekend?

Party like its 1988!

Good news: I got my car back! I got it today at lunch. Bad news: haven’t been to the gym cause I haven’t been able to go anywhere! At least I’ve been watching my eating. And last night I did get the 57 million bags of baby clothes sorted my mom brought over from her attic. I am keeping only a few – the rest are going to a friend that had a baby last month.

My son was dying to go to Ozzfest. Tickets were free this year (this is the last year), but you had to get a code to then go in & redeem for tickets. My router died as I hit the confirm button (curse technology! OTOH, I didn’t spend 4 hours in a line at the Ticketmaster outlet.) We tried all day yesterday and were never able to secure tickets. But as a consolation prize, we are taking the boy and a chum to see the Ratt/ Poison/ Vains of Jenna concert. The latter is a new Swedish band filling in after White Lion had to back out. I have seen both Ratt and Poison in concert (I’ve seen most 80s metal bands in concert. Some twice). They were good 20 years ago, and I still like the music. It’ll be a good time I think.

I never did hit the tree – we had a storm last night. So I sorted clothes. I am staying home this weekend – I’m looking forward to it.

Mrs. Crankypants is in the house!

People: this has been a weird week. Sunday was the thing with my son. Monday I was home sick with stomach “issues” (probably generated by the greasy take-out spaghetti that was my dinner Sunday). I never went to the gym Monday, needless to say.

Yesterday I was feeling better until I got in my car to go to the gym because the interior was roughly the surface temperature of the sun (Oh my god! Please back that super big gulp tanker truck of diet Pepsi over here it is SO hot, okay?). Instead of the gym I went to the car dealer.

When I got home I was not a happy camper. Hub was home late because he was at the Alltel store getting a new phone because his died. THEN I got to spend 2 hours online trying to the tickets to Ozzfest, only when I went to hit “confirm” for my tickets my internet crashed (it is still down). I checked my email this morning – no tickets.

Oh, and I called my gym last night to sign up for tonight’s spin class (you can only sign up 24 hours in advance). It was already full – I called at 6:25. Suck.

Hub went to the store and I caved and asked for a beer. What I discovered this morning was that he also brought me a giant ice cream sandwich because he “thought I might want one.” Now, I take responsibility for what I put in my pie hole, but this is 24 hours after the big tearful talk where I asked him to please be supportive in my efforts to lose weight. Way to be supportive. Gee, enable much?

Where does all this leave me? I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday, the thing with my son triggered a full blown binge, and the only way to describe how I am feeling about my efforts to make my lifestyle more healthy? Defeated. Maybe I should go to 6:30 yoga instead. Either that or go hit a tree with a stick.

Wassup?

Hellew! I was home sick yesterday, but I am feeling better today! I did nothing yesterday but read a book. I can be some serious lazy, let me tell you. Tonight I am sorting through some old baby clothes so hub can take them to a friend this weekend. I want to keep a few, but good grief! My mom is cleaning out her attic. She has lived in that house since 1971 and I am amazed the ceiling hasn’t collapsed under the weight of all the junk up there. Go mom!

My son has decided he wants to live with his grandpa. Which is totally out of the question, even if his wife would permit it (no way in he!!). Cable in the bedroom? No chores? Junk to eat? Well, duh – it feels like Disneyland up there compared to home. I think puberty is going to drive me right over the edge. Really. I know its largely the age, but sometimes my son acts so darn spoiled – and he isn’t. Ugh.

I am going to visit trainer 1 this afternoon, then go do 30 minutes of cardio over at my gym. Then go home for a quick supper & baby clothes sorting. I know you all envy my life.

Have a good one!

What the World Eats

I found a link to a Time magazine photo essay “What the World Eats” – an excerpt from the book “Hungry Planet.” Check it out: http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1626519,00.html

Anyway, Athena mentioned it in her blog, which reminded me of it. I meant to write a post about it, but with the writing muse on vacation, I promptly forgot. I put the book in my Amazon wish list – I’d love for my son to see it, and to see the rest of it. I also thought this might be an interesting experiment: post a shopping list for my family for a week, and a photo of the food I buy. Now, that would be an interesting meme! I am always curious about what other people eat, and I am forever stealing glances at other people’s carts – it’s like a glimpse into their inner lives. Does that make me nosy?

So I was starting to feel good about my whole “mindful eating with forgiveness’ schtick when I paid a visit to trainer #1 yesterday. Who pointed out to me that you can’t out-train lousy nutrition and was I ready to kick it up a notch and really start seeing the results of my hard work? I’m still staying away from the scale though!

We went out for Japanese last night – I had a California roll, hibachi veggies & shrimp, and about half my rice. My snack later was an NA “beer” and a sugar free frozen ice. Dinner wasn’t bad, but that snack was off kilter.

I brought in cupcakes, but left none at home for myself (3 for hub). This morning I intend to sit down & plan out my food for the weekend. Ugh. He’s right, but I’m not too happy about the harsh cold reality of which he speaks.

Let them eat (cup)cakes!

You see I am clever (and evil). Last night I dreamed of cupcakes. Oh, how I want a cupcake. I'm not even that in to cake! My solution? Make cupcakes and bring them in to the office! Better yet, bring in plain cupcakes and frosting & sprinkles on the side so we can each build our very own individualized cupcake. Team building! Huzzah! Thankfully I am on a team that enjoys food and doesn't feel like they are being sucked in against their wills.

I am #1 in the queue at my library to read that book "Perfect Girls, Starving daughters". After reading some blog entries on it, I think it is something I should probably read. Today I am picking up "Suite française", which is another book that I am anxious to read. I will report back.

Exercise is going good. I am avoiding the scale because it was making me nuts. I am trying to make healthy choices, trying not to beat myself up when I fail, and trying to be a bit happier in the skin I currently inhabit rather than thinking that happiness is 10 pounds away.

Chyna got a hair cut. Due to the matting of her undercoat, they shaved her - giving her a "lion cut." I told her I am renaming her "Fifi." She looks cute, but different!

I still got nothing, blogwise. My writing muse is on vacation. but I just wanted you to know that I'm still here, hitting the gym daily.

Feast or famine

Sometimes my life feels like a ping pong ball. Like my hub’s work situation for example: he is currently working 6 days a week, 9 hour days. Now, we certainly do need the money and we are both grateful he is working. I am also thankful this coincides with the boy being out of school. That extra bit of time gives me the luxury of picking up some of the proverbial slack so hub doesn’t have so much to do at home.

I never quite finished cooking on Sunday, which meant that both yesterday and this morning I was frantically finishing up stuff for ye olde lunchbox. (Note: simpler lunch next week!). That also meant no morning exercise. Last night I did a spin class, and tonight I’ll just have to suck it up and hit the gym after lifting weights with trainer 1. So exercise is going fine.

Sunday was very nice. It rained all day and was cool – I opened the French doors off my dining & living rooms and listened to the rain while sewing in the dining room. It was one of those days you hold onto because it’s so simple, yet so pleasurable. Saturday morning we took the boat out, and that afternoon a friend came over for a visit. All in all, a nice weekend.

I don’t have a lot to say, but I did want to at least check in!

Parents look forward to summer too!

I love summer. The funny thing is, as an adult I love many of the same things I loved as a child. For example: no homework. Do you know how tired I am of asking about, helping with, nagging, quizzing, and internet surfing – all in the name of homework? No, I am not a mom that does her child’s homework. But I have to make sure it’s done, quiz on material, help some with the internet (although he is getting much better), etc etc. Just being supportive is tiring!

Also, free time. I had those really cool childhoods where we belonged to the pool down the road and I’d go spend weeks with my grandparents having all sorts of cool adventures. Staying with my grandparents are some of my happiest childhood memories. My cousin & I would stay, and then my mom & uncle would take time off work & come & spend time with all of us going to the beach or something. It was magical.

My son enjoys similar experiences. His grandpa lives about an hour away, and his grandma a half hour. His uncle (my ex step brother) lives down the street from his grandpa. His summers are spent at the lake - kayaking, fishing, swimming, and hanging out with pals. Because the hub & I both work, he spends the week with a grandparent, going back & forth as schedules & vacations dictate.

He loves it, and we love the extra time it gives us during the week. I can come in early enough to leave at 3, or come in late & stay late. I make my husband & I 2 meals apiece, which we simply heat up at our convenience – no cooking dinner every night! Summertime I get a taste of what life without kids is like - it’s the best of both worlds! I have a terrific son, but freedom & flexibility during the week. Sweet! Yay for free time!

Today is my son’s last day of school. Woo hoo! It’s been a challenging year in many ways. We are both so ready for the break! It was a combination of school and the age. As we enter into the teen years, I fear for our sanity: his, mine, and the hub’s.

I didn’t get to the gym last night – the boy had gone home with a friend, and they were at the house waiting as I turned off at the exit ramp. Oh, and we went out to eat, but I made a decent choice. So, not an on track evening, but not a huge disaster either. Back to the gym today to work out with trainer #2.

There is a yoga class at 9:30 Saturday that I’m gonna check out. I really need to up my exercise (IMO) – 3 HIIT sessions and 3 weight sessions are good. I wish I could ride my bike to work!!! But the traffic is just too bad. Maybe hit some evening classes at the gym and do my HIIT in the am? There are no early morning classes at the gym – how weird is that???

We are having a departmental off-site tomorrow, so have a good weekend!

Creativity in action!

It’s amazing how you can get inspired by a low carb tortilla. This week I made wraps for lunch – a thin center cut grilled pork chop with sliced avocado and jerk seasoning. I was thinking “chicken next week. Blah.” Then I started thinking how could I use up some of what is in the house already. Like, we have a bunch of turkey burgers. I could grill those up and slice them in a wrap with a little shredded cheese and salsa! Sometimes I just need to think about how I can use stuff in new ways. My new breakfast totally rocks – who would have thought I’d be raving about cottage cheese? See? Old stuff in new ways.

After a rough couple of weeks sleep-wise, I got a second good night of sleep last night. My body is feeling pretty tired & sore, so I didn’t get up and walk. I’m just going to do my weights & interval training and sneak in a yoga class at some point – I think I need it! I am working harder in the gym than I have in years. I’m not using heavy weights, so there isn’t a lot of DOMS soreness, but I feel that stiff & sore you get after yardwork or something. Maybe a yoga class would help.

I haven’t gotten on the scale in a while. It was making me crazy. I’m just working on working hard.

I need to buy some sugar free Fudgecicles – last night I was totally craving chocolate. I do have sugar free popsicles, but that quite get it.

Monday was grilling out, last night was crock pot, tonight is grilling out, tomorrow night is half crock pot (I’m making the chicken soup base in the crock pot and then making the matzo balls when I get home). I love the fact that my husband loves to grill and we can grill out so often this time of year. It makes my life easier. As do paper plates!

Hub is working today for a temp agency (a temp agency for contractors). Since the client wanted the people to do a drug screening, that’s a good sign that this job will last a while. So I’m hopeful that this place can keep him busy until something permanent comes through. He’s gotten a couple of calls in addition to the university, but that is the best thing by far and away. I know he is going to be so disappointed if he doesn’t get it. The guy wants to have a decision by the 11th, so please keep those good thoughts coming!

Other Stuff

I have actually discovered a way to eat cottage cheese! I won’t declare it delicious, but it’s pretty darn good. I take a small bowl & chop 6 almonds. Then I put ½ cup of cottage cheese, then on top of that I add frozen mixed berries (I use a blend of blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries). The frozen berries ‘freeze” the cottage cheese just enough to give it a consistency a bit like frozen yogurt. I can see adding maybe a packet of stevia and a couple of drops of vanilla, but even without that it’s like a tart dessert. I had a piece of toast made with Ezekiel bread in the car then ate the berries & cottage cheese about 8 am. Very healthy, high protein, and easy to do!

Startling Revelations to follow!

I have recently discovered something amazing: if you eat unhealthy food, you feel lousy. I know, but it’s true! These past couple of weeks have seen some poor snacking habits in the evening. I haven’t been sleeping well, leaving me with no energy by the time I get home from work. Not only that, but by last week I noticed I was starting to get tired more easily during my workouts. Last night I didn’t snack after dinner, and I slept great! Now I’m off to write a book and make a fortune! :-O

I was feeling seriously wiped by the time I left work yesterday, but I managed to ht the gym for a decent interval workout. The nice thing about those is that while tough, they are over quickly. Some days I add some extra on the end, but yesterday was not one of those days. I did the minimum, but I did it.

Lately I have felt like I’ve been holding onto the label “functional” by the skin of my teeth. I get home from work too tired to do anything but watch TV. My mom washed my dishes yesterday when she came over (bless her) and helped the boy with homework. One reason that party prep was so stressful was the fact that we had let the house get really messy. Not only does that bring my mood down, but it really took a long time to get it all squared away. Last night I managed to put away the last of my clean laundry and pack my gym bag. My plan for the week is to spend 15 minutes an evening on housework. We are having a friend over Saturday and I’d like the house to stay neat this week.

Some days I think I need a stay at home wife!

Thinking

First of all, I have to say this was a nice weekend. The cookout was a success – a lot of folks and a lot of fun. Friday was super busy running a bazillion errands and then Saturday morning my mom was kind enough to come over & lend a hand in getting the house ready. Have I mentioned she rocks?

I know I’ve written about this before, but a lot of my challenge with losing weight isn’t my love of food or the fact that I use it to fulfill emotional needs (although this is certainly true) – even more importantly is the fact that I receive a great deal of emotional payoff by being overweight. I am much more comfortable with my body when I am overweight than when I am not. Not happy mind you, but comfortable. And I would rather be comfortable and unhappy than happy and uncomfortable. But I sometimes forget that I have another choice: I can change the way I think. I can let go of the past. I can stop buying into the negative behavior patterns that are part of my personal history. I can acknowledge that I am a different person who would make different choices. I can let go of the emotional baggage. That’s hard. Really hard. But now that I am feeling more comfortable with all the normal day to day stuff in my life, I’m thinking about it.

Send good thoughts!

Hub went for a very promising interview this morning. He made the first cut so its down to 12 candidates. They plan to have someone selected by the 11th (two weeks). So, good thoughts please!!!

More about the dump

Thanks for all the comments. As always, I get a lot of great perspective. One thing that got me thinking about this in a more focused way was the article I was reading the other day about the results of one of those long term studies. The results were a “curve” of happiness that is shaped like the letter “U”: we are happy as kids, but once we reach adulthood we become progressively more unhappy until age 45, at which point people start becoming more happy and that happiness continues to increase. I guess that probably turns back around at some point based on health etc, but that’s the general idea. There were no conclusions drawn as to why happiness would look like that, but it got me thinking.

Every day at lunch I take a 30 minute walk with a friend. We’ve been doing this for 3 or 4 years. As a result, we’re pretty close, know an awful lot about each other’s marriages, and have grown in many ways as a result of the friendship. Here is a woman that outwardly is a poster child of success and happiness: a pretty good marriage of 20+ years, a strong faith and very active in her church, they both have good jobs and make good money, their house is paid for and they are tracking well in their retirement savings. No kids, but both are close with their families. And yet she suffers from the same feelings of anger, tiredness, lack of joy, inability to unwind… you get the idea. This reinforces to me that while I certainly carry some vestiges of anger around my dad & his family, people are feeling this way in general. We’re too wound up. We don’t have enough time to wind down. We’re too busy, too connected, and too caught up in it all to step off the treadmill – we can’t even find the exit or the proverbial “pause” button!

Jack’s grandma is pretty smart – if you have these feelings, you have to focus on fixing the source and not treating the symptom. And if you can’t control it, learn to let go. But how? I don’t have a clear cut answer, my friend doesn’t have an answer. One solution would be a radical change of lifestyle, but I choose to deal with this rather than create a situation where I forfeit my retirement savings, health care, and ability to pay for my son’s college education. Am I trading my mental health for material wealth? Maybe a little bit. It would be nice to create a “retreat” for myself, but my home is a source of a whole different set of stressors.

Like most moms, I am the hub that keeps the family wheel turning. I am the only one that cooks, I am the one that helps with homework, and while the household chores are pretty evenly divided, I am the only one who cares when things start really slipping.

In addition, I am the primary provider. My husband has an excellent work ethic, but his solution for every financial issue is “work harder.” He has no concept of financial planning – he couldn’t keep his checkbook balanced on his own! I have no issue at all with the income disparity, but it is hard because I am the captain of the ship and when it comes to finances, I have no ‘first mate” – its just me, myself, and I. My husband has no idea of how much we have saved for retirement, and would have no idea to figure out how much we will need. I do the budget, pay the bills, etc – in short, all long and short term decisions fall to me. And while I certainly would not want a husband that feels the need to run the show, it would be nice to feel like this area were more of a partnership. But I married the man I did, no regrets. And that’s not who he is. This rarely bothers me, but it’s another example of the responsibility I carry on my shoulders – largely unaided.

While physical activity is certainly a good physical outlet for me, it doesn’t feel like the mental outlet that I need as well. That’s the piece I feel I need to find. I know running etc. serves that purpose for some folks, it doesn’t fulfill that need in me – at least not completely.

One thing I’m thinking is that one night a week my son cooks and one night a week my husband cooks. Hub can grill and open a can of green beans. The boy will be a bit more work, but if I teach him how to make 4 things, then he has a month’s worth of dinners. Its tough to go to the gym, get home around 5 or 5;30, tired - and then have to fix supper. We have gone out the past 3 nights – that is utterly unheard of in my house!

The fact that I keep waffling between okay and not okay tells me that things aren’t “okay” – it’s a load I can only maintain for so long, and then I have to become basically non-functional for a few days, then get back to it. I’m no genius, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

I still have a lot to think about – I need to find something to help relieve the stress that doesn’t feel like another chore tacked onto my already too long list. Anyway, since you’ve followed the bouncing ball that is my mind for 2 whole days and gosh only knows how many pages – a recipe!

Baked Tomatoes

2 large tomatoes, sliced
4 or 5 large basil leaves, torn
¼ cup shredded cheddar (I like the 2% just fine)
2 T each of low fat and fat free mayo (You need the texture of the fat, so mixing lets you keep the calories low)

Take a small baking dish and layer tomatoes, sprinkling each layer with salt & pepper and some of the basil. Do this until your tomatoes are used up. Mix the mayo & cheese and drop in dollops around the top. I usually heat it in the microwave for 2 – 3 minutes, and then just brown it in the oven, or you can bake it (at 400 or so) if the oven is going to be on anyway. The temp is pretty forgiving – all you need to do is get it good & hot and the cheese melted.

This makes 2 side servings and is amazing!

Brain Dump

I’ve had a lot on my mind the past couple of days, and I feel the need to just do a sort of “brain dump” here on the old blog. Take this for what it is: my feelings about this stuff at this moment in time.

I have been in a very weird mood this week. Pretty much all I’ve wanted to do is sit in a chair & read a Star Trek book. I had a good weekend and Monday, then called hub on the way to the gym Monday afternoon. He was very stressed about a situation at work (the people ignored the contract and were only paying him half the money they owed him). He was very upset, as you can imagine. Yet another reason I hope he finds a steady job working for a decent sized company. Instead of going to the gym, I went to the grocery store. He still hasn’t been paid what they owe him, and it looks like he may have to take them to small claims court. It isn’t a lot of money, but the situation has me in an absolute fury.

Work is kinda frustrating right now. No one thing or person … just a set of frustrating circumstances has left me feeling less than fulfilled. I like my job and I know this will pass, but right now my enthusiasm is on the low side, and I am struggling to change that.

I am on a discussion list related to ‘my medieval thing’. Anyway, a person with authority sent out an email requesting feedback from the group of folks who will be tasked with implementing his decision. The very next email he sent stated that the decision was final. So why did you request feedback??? The change is BIG, and some people got upset. He then got all in a huff because people were questioning how well thought out the plan was and what his motivation was blah blah blah. Now, neither of those things was offered in an email, so of course people are speculating. This guy is a big fat pompous jerk who in real life is an utter waste and this group is the only place in society where he has any sort of authority, so of course he feels the need to exercise it like a race horse. I’ve seriously considered pointing out that by soliciting feedback, but then turning around and stating that the decision is final without offering any context or logical rationale trivializes the experience of the group being addressed, not to mention the fact that by handing down an edict without any effort to get buy-in from the group you are depending on to implement, you have just told them in effect that their work as anything other than unskilled labor is meaningless. But I haven’t. But I’m angry about the whole thing. Can you tell?

In a nutshell, I’m angry. The odd thing is that I didn’t really go on this medicine for depression (at least not in the classic sense), it was for anger. Little things piss me off. I know we all say that, but I mean, little things leave me in a white hot fury that keeps me awake at night. That’s not healthy and I’m just not sure how to deal with it. Please don’t suggest counseling – our insurance doesn’t cover it and I can’t afford it. Maybe its running, maybe its meditation, I don’t know, but I need to find a way. Anybody know any good books?

I don’t have a lot of serious bad things to deal with in my life – I mean, yeah, my husband’s work situation means our income flow varies wildly, but we’re managing okay although I do feel like we tend to overspend. But we aren’t digging ourselves deeper in debt, so its not mega serious. I will say it feels serious to me though. But other than that, we have a nice home, we are healthy – yeah, we have the same speed bumps we all experience, but I can’t say I feel like we have more than the average bear.

But what I am left with is a pt of anger. These little things make it flare up, but its like the ember of that fury is always there just waiting for something to happen. Why am I so furious? I have some bad stuff in my childhood that has certainly made me angry and bitter and some of that has dragged well into my adulthood. Maybe I haven’t let that go? Maybe it’s just my personality? Maybe it’s a character trait I need to work on? I don’t know. But I look around at the world around me and I know I’m not alone. People are angry and something as simple as driving to the office or stopping in the grocery will prove that point. Maybe the source is completely outside of me. I can’t change society, but I can change my perception. I’m just not sure how.

Maybe trying to go off this medicine is a bad idea.

In other news, I’ve been using light beer, light nachos, and low cal ice cream in inappropriate quantities to cool down that white hot fury. And hiding in a book. I don’t think this is the best way to handle stress, but despite my searching, I still haven’t found a better way. It’s ironic: despite the many blessings of my life, I feel like overall my quality of life is average at best. I read an article the other day that said that adults become increasingly unhappy in adulthood, peaking at age 45. After that, they became progressively happier. But I don’t want to wait until my child is out of the house or I’m retired to feel joy.

Wondering

Last week was difficult. I know I’ve skirted about the edges of my frustration about my weight. The thing is, since I started on the Wellbutrin about 16 months ago, I’ve gained 15 pounds and cannot get it off. Some of the stuff I’ve tried has been stupid enough that I haven’t written about it here. For example, the 2 weeks where I only ate every other day. I mean, hello!??! This is just nuts. I’m down to a ¼ dosage anyway, so I’ve decided to stop taking it. I’d rather be a little skittery around the edges and able to lose weight than not. Last week I pretty much reached the “why bother?” point. I mean, if I can’t lose weight, then why bother with healthy eating? That’s not a very good attitude. In any case, I never planned to stay on this stuff forever.

I got a lot of sewing done this weekend, and hub made good progress on the roof for the deck. The weather was very good, so that was nice. Due to some circumstances, we ended up not going out of town. On the one hand, I do feel bad we didn’t make it. But it was nice to be home – we were both getting pretty tired out.

I was pretty much in a sulk until I decided to stop with the medicine – it helped when I needed it, but I think the time is passed. I had a good workout yesterday and plan to start getting into better habits (again) this week. I think I needed to get to a point where I was this frustrated to take this step, even though I have known for a while of other people that have experienced similar issues with weight while taking this. I’ll keep ya posted.

I am taking Friday off. It is our 5 year wedding anniversary. Sometimes I just can’t believe it. I am a very lucky woman to have such a great husband. He’s a really good guy. We’re having a cookout with a few friends on Saturday, but overall just a quiet weekend. We’d originally planned to go out of town, but he asked if we could stay home instead. I feel a nice sushi dinner coming on…..

Have a good one!

I don’t wanna!

I know I’ve mentioned that tomorrow we have the dubious pleasure of driving 5 hours (one way) to run the youth combat at an event down near the Ga/SC border. For some reason, this has been a tough week. I have been tired, which has made sticking to healthy foods difficult (even more difficult than normal I mean), and I really just want to hang out at home. But I will be a responsible person and do the right thing. Ugh.

I got out of work late and the hub needed to work late yesterday, so I did not get to work out. I am going to the gym today, and I do have an appointment with Mr. Hardcore trainer Sunday afternoon. So that should help out.

I just have a lot to do and feel a bit overwhelmed. The plus side is that I am taking a half day off today so I can get a head start. Hub is always good about helping out, but I know he wants to work on the deck Sunday, so the more we can get done today the better.

Okay - enough whining! I hope you all have a good weekend!

Wake me up when it’s the weekend

I am pooped! This has been a relatively hectic week – errands after work Monday, gym Tuesday, a half day off site team builder yesterday - we went to a baseball game and it was hot and we weren’t in the shade. Good fun, but the heat really takes it out of you. After that I met the hub at an attorney’s office – we’ve been married 5 years as of next Friday and we don’t have wills or any of that stuff. So we needed to take care of that. Today is a half day off site walking through the activities of the mid year departmental team builder (I am on the committee that runs these things) followed by the gym. I am taking a half day off tomorrow so I can clean my house, do my shopping, and get all my stuff together for our marathon road trip Saturday – we are driving down and back and its 5 hours one way so we can run the youth combat activities at an event down in SC. I get tired just thinking about it.

All this activity and tiredness has made healthy eating tough – like many folks, when I get tired my remedy is food. Nothing terrible, but a couple of evenings have involved a cold beer. Which is very nice but does nothing to help my weight loss any. Oh well, I have made many good choices as well, so status quo it is for the week.

The boy only has 2 more week of school – 9 and a half days to be precise. I think we’re all tired of this year and ready for it to be over. I wish I could find an affordable alternative for next year. I’ve found other schools I like, but nothing near the cost of this one. I will keep looking – I just haven’t been very happy with things under the new principal, and the lady who will be his main teacher next year is a nutcase.

I’ve been watching a show on Sci-Fi channel called “Special Unit 2” – it’s a cop show about a police unit that handles monsters. Its funny – not as dark as “Forever Knight”. We all really like it. A nice bit of fluff in the evenings. I don’t like real police shows, but this is good. And I don’t typically endorse TV.

Take care!

Quickly

Just wanted to let you know that I ate a healthy dinner, a healthy snack, and I had an excellent workout yesterday. No worries, I didn't drown in a vat of cheese dip!

I'll be away from my desk all day, but I just wanted to thank you for the encouragement, kicks in the pants, etc. I just needed to vent.

Have a good one!

I do not wish to go to the gym.

It’s hot. I want to drink iced tea and play with Sculpey. I just looked at some pictures of myself taken recently at various activities here at work. I could weep. It makes me want to eat a cookie. Therein lies the problem.

I have lunches accociated with activities here at work the next couple of days. Thursday won't be too bad, but tomorrow we are eating lunch at a baseball game! People, what is the healthy choice at the ball field??? Should I just eat in the car on the way there??? Sigh.

I skipped the gym yesterday AND had two beers last night. No wonder I look so dreadful in pictures.

Yes, I am feeling disocuraged.

Permission granted to not sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff)

This weekend was all about enjoying myself. No getting worked up about anything, finding the middle of the road, relaxing. Took the boat out on the lake yesterday evening, played around with my Sculpey (that stuff is so much fun!), did my shopping/cooking for the week, got the house tidied up & had company over Saturday night… Just a nice relaxing weekend, with very cooperative weather to boot.

Suffering a wee bit of the carb bloat today, but no complaints. Oh – and I found some inexpensive capris that fit and look nice enough for work. I bought 3 colors! Hopefully, these will get me through the next few weeks until I can get back in my old ones again. And I will.

F U scale, I’m listening to the pants!!!

I’m sure you are all astute enough to infer from the title that today’s weigh in was not a life affirming experience (are they ever?). I was down a half pound from last weekend *growl*. However, I am taking your comments to heart. The truth is these past couple of weeks I have hit the gym harder than I have in 2 years or so. According to the measurements by trainer 2, I have lost 10 pounds of lean mass. While I take that with a grain of salt (different method of measure on top of the fact that hydration level skews results), I cannot deny that I have lost muscle mass. And I have been busting butt to get it back. That may be contributing to the scale evilness.

On the other hand, I wore a pair of pants yesterday that I haven’t worn in 2 or 3 weeks. It was my inability to get into those pants that drove me into the depths of despair. While that may sound dramatic, it isn’t far from the truth. I now have 4 pair of pants to wear to work, as opposed to 3. Woo hoo! I’m paying attention to the pants. Stupid scale.

Workouts are good. Evening snacking is going okay (last night was a protein shake and a slim-a-bear).

I came home last night to a super deep cleaned house. Love it! There is stuff that needs to be picked up and put away (my stuff & stuff that hub doesn’t know what to do with), but not a whole lot. It felt so nice to walk into a house that smelled clean.

We went to my mom’s after dinner last night to pick up the boy – she had picked him up from school to mow her yard. Since we were not too far away, we went by C0stC0 – so that errand is off my plate. I have my gym bag in the car so I can stop in after work. I plan to get a lot done this evening, gym then dinner then nails painted then grocery shopping. That way I can just tidy the house a bit tomorrow and hang out with mom. Our plan is to have lunch (I’m thinking the excellent Mediterranean deli near the college) and then we are doing Sculpey. I haven’t done that in ages, so I am really looking forward to it. The boys are going to play paintball so my house will be quiet.

Sunday I will do my usual cooking. Nothing super special other than taking the boat out on the lake. We will probably just buy a sandwich at Subway to take with us. The past couple of years Mother’s Day has just been miserable thanks to MIL, so this year we’re just not doing anything special.

I hope you all have a nice weekend and a nice Mother’s Day.

Poster child for the department of agriculture

First, thanks for the snack ideas!

One nice thing about this time of year is the wonderful selection of fruits and vegetables available at the farmer’s market, which is why my lunchbox looks like an ad for the dept. of agriculture. Breakfast was pretty typical: protein shake and oatmeal with mixed berries. Snack is cucumber slices, 3 small tomatoes and a salmon patty. Lunch is turkey meatloaf, green beans, salad, and corn on the cob. Afternoon snack is grapes and low fat laughing cow cheese (yum!). The thing is about to explode! I need a bigger lunchbox!

One of my most favorite things to make this time of year is baked tomatoes and no matter how many I make they are GONE. Luckily, there was some corn left to add to my lunch today because the baked chicken and tomatoes were history. I make dinner and sometimes think there will be leftovers, but then I remember who I live with!

I’m doing pretty good. Workout Tuesday afternoon was good – my triceps are sore! Woo hoo! Yesterday I went to the gym and did interval training – mostly on the treadmill but when my calves were really cramping I jumped on an elliptical. So I got in a really good workout. I also jogged/walked yesterday morning, but I slept in today because I was pooped. Not too surprising since I woke up at 4:30 yesterday!

If one were to go back and read my archives (although I cannot imagine for the life of me why anyone would), I’m sure many posts discuss my “all or nothing” way of thinking, which is a path that only leads to sorrow because no one is perfect at anything all the time. Tom Venuto talks about the “90/10” rule: that is, making healthy, properly sized choices 90% of the time and giving yourself permission 10% to indulge. Not go crazy, but there’s the place to have a piece of wedding cake or the homemade tamales you’ve been crazing (was that my out loud voice?). He also goes on to point out that if you eat 6 times a day, that means 10% of the time equals 4 meals. Even that seems a bit daunting. I think I need a plan “B”.

Here’s a good plan “B”: http://www.skwigg.com/id76.html

The concept? To quote the great Skwigg: “Plan B involves staying on track by cheating all over the place… Don't go berserko with the planning and the pressure and the forced will-power. You're just setting yourself up for another failure.If trying to get your eating under control causes a massive rebound binge, then you need to re-think your approach. “

The point is to find a compromise. Now, compromise is not my strong suit, but I am willing to try new things since the old ones haven’t been working so hot. It’s like I talked about last time: turning that last “meal” of the day into a treat, but one that closely follows the principles of healthy eating. I’m not going to pretend that non-alcoholic beer or Slim-a-bear 100 calorie ice cream bars are healthy eating, but if they are paired with a good protein choice, then they beat falling into a vat of cheese dip.

My sweet snack might look like a slim-a-bear ice cream sandwich and a protein shake (chocolate of course!). A good salty snack is 4 Light tortilla chips (51 calories), a shy ¼ cup fat free refried beans (50 calories), 2 oz. ground turkey (50 cal) and salsa. Add a faux beer on the side and you’ve got Mexican & beer! I might even go wild and do some homemade faux-mole (guacamole with peas added to bulk it out).

Yesterday on the way to the gym I was listening to one of my favorite tunes “Lola’s Theme” by Shape UK. Besides being upbeat and happy, I really like the lyrics.

Looking back...
I know I was walking around in disguise
Looking back...
I was just a loss so I needed a guy
and the moment that you came to change my life
(Looking back together yeah)
you fired up my heart and made me smile
you and I know that......

I'm a different person, Yeah
turned my world around
I'm a different person, Yeah
turned my world around
I'm a different person, Yeah
turned my world around

Okay, not super deep, but it reminds me that exercise has really turned my life around. I’m still overweight, and sometimes I get pretty down, but I’ve never given up my workouts. I’m glad for this lifelong habit.

I read a quote somewhere on the internet, but I don’t remember where so I’m not sure who said it. The gist was “I look at a person’s arms and legs and can see whether they work out. I look at a person’s midsection and can tell how healthy their diet is.” Ouch! Did I mention what the trainer said during our session last week after I asked him to increase the intensity of my workout? It was a throwaway comment for him, but it really hurt. Basically he said, “When you walked in here, I would never have guessed that you could work out at this intensity or that you were as strong as you are.” Again, ouch. My fat is hiding my fit. I know that, but to hear a professional say they underestimated my fitness because of my fat is painful. I know it was meant as a compliment, but still, it made me think.

I need a new plan

For the past few days, I’ve noticed that my eating is great during the day & falls to pieces at night. Part of that is certainly emotional, but I am also plain hungry after dinner.

We eat pretty early, so it isn’t really surprising that I get hungry before bed. Besides, I generally eat a small dinner, so a snack is perfectly in order. The problem is that I don’t plan well, so I wind up cruising around looking for something, and before I know it I have cheese dip or ice cream in my grubby paw. I need to plan a couple of healthy but yummy after dinner snacks (a salty choice & a sweet choice) to have around for when that happens.

Any ideas? I’m thinking maybe baked chips, refried beans, and low fat cheese would be a good choice. If I limit the chips, select ff beans, and maybe add some lean ground turkey. On the sweet, I may just splurge and buy some reduced cal ice cream treats – its getting to be that time of year. What do you eat when you want something without “ruining” the day? And while that may sound dramatic, anyone who has tried to lose weight knows that just 300 calories or so can be the difference between success and failure.

I skipped the gym Sunday, staying home to lend a hand with the deck project (which is looking great BTW. And I know I’m slack but I will take some pictures!!! I am meeting with the trainer this afternoon, and my bag is in the car.

I’m really struggling here. I know I am doing the right things (most of the time), but I am feeling so demoralized about my weight. And feeling so down makes it difficult to take action. I don’t have any answers - and I don’t feel frustrated enough to take action, unless that action is reaching for some bacon.

Nothing says "love" like the sound of power tools

The decking boards are nearly all down! Some good weather has meant hub had all day yesterday and today to work on the deck. There is still a good bit of work, but since we are having a BBQ on the 26th and are out of town the weekend before, this is excellent news!

Work was very busy last week - our team was running the "PC Sale" where we sold the old PCs (they were just replaced with new ones) to employees, with the proceeds going to local charities. It was a big undertaking! I got one too - anyone know the best place to buy an operating system?

My weight is really breaking my heart. Busting my ass in the gym and I gained weight last week? I hate the scale. Hate. Had a meltdown Saturday night, but I have my nutritious foods all packed for the week. Surely something has to give - I cannot eat & exercise like this without doing some lard busting.

Ugh.

Busy day

Sorry for the lack of updates. Still working out. I've been super busy the past coupleof days - back soon!

Every day I write the book

No huge entry today. Went to gym yesterday afternoon – trainer still isn’t working me hard enough IMO. Cement is in for the deck – decking boards will start getting screwed down tonight. I think that means I have to operate a power tool (shudder). But Bess will be a happy Chihuahua!

The boy got off safely for his trip to the beach this morning. He has been very moody lately, so I think we wee all ready for a break from each other. After he gets back Friday evening, he is heading up to his grandpa’s until Sunday afternoon.

I am feeling somewhat less bloated, but I have to admit the scale is making me a little nutso. Other than the stress induced incident Saturday, I’ve been doing well with sticking to eating healthy foods and appropriate portions and my exercise has been good. After 4 weeks, the trainer will retake my measurements and recalculate my body fat. I’m hoping that shows more of a payoff than the scale is. Of course, I am getting all worked up over 1 week’s worth of results. I realize how ridiculous that is.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to slip into a panic attack over the scale or anything. My problem isn’t getting results – lately my issue seems to be hanging on to them.

Not trying to end on a down note. Overall, I’d say things are going along pretty well. Hub is doing an estimate at 2:30 for a lady he has worked for before who just fired the guy that was working on her house and she wants someone to start work yesterday or so. So please send good job thoughts our way!

Have a good one!

Every day in May

I have made a couple of decisions about the month of May. 1. I am not buying any extra anything. Even if the hub gets work soon, we’ve been spending a lot, and a fair amount of it has just been stupid. This month, no extras. 2. I am going to exercise every day this month. Even if it’s just a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood, I am going to make an effort to boost my physical activity.

I’m doing okay. Hub put the concrete in the holes for the deck. He ran out, but they are largely filled. That will get finished tonight. Mom, the boy, and I took the boat out on the lake for an hour or so last night – it was really nice.

Also, I went to the gym on the way home even though I really didn’t want to and if I’m doing exercise every day in May why can’t I have the last day of April off? When I felt like the argument wasn’t going my way, I stopped in at Target to look for a new lunch box (they didn’t have the one I wanted). No doubt I looked a little crazed as I wandered around dishware trying to talk myself into/out of going to the gym. I reminded myself that I always regret not going, but never regret going. So I went.

Today is a workout with the trainer. I feel like he hasn’t been pushing it hard enough, so I need to tell him that today.

The Chihuahua is scared to go out on the deck because the decking boards aren’t screwed down so they move a little and make noise. Silly dog. Speaking of dogs, my dog food cook book came yesterday (yes, I am an obsessive nut about books). Good stuff!

The boy leaves at 6:30 am tomorrow for the beach, returning at 6 pm Friday night. The house will sure be quiet!

It might be a beautiful day in the neighborhood, but it still felt a bit like “Nightmare on Elm Street”

You know the old saying, “If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong”? Uh, yeah. My weekend was pretty much a comedy of errors.

Let’s see….. It all started Friday when I arrived home to world war 3. Boy’s friend wasn’t able to come over that day. Boy thought hauling old wood sounded crappy. Husband threatened to take away new phone (boy was working to earn money to pay for phone). Boy called grandma to complain about his cruel treatment. Exhausted mommy puts on grubby clothes to haul away lumber – after working all day and doing the grocery shopping for the week. Work till dusk. Much wood hauled away, boy finally helping. Family tired. Go out for dinner at pizza joint around corner. Pay stupid amount of money for good food & lousy service. Mommy is bitter at spending money we can’t really afford, only to leave place in such a lousy mood. Mommy goes home and falls asleep, too tired to bathe.

Saturday dawns bright and early. Mommy wakens family early, providing healthy breakfast. Why the early start? So the remaining wood can get hauled away before husband’s hired carpenter assistant and the lumber arrive! Boys tossed out back door, hand dogs down to husband. (Airlifting dogs through the back door is common theme of weekend).

Grubby mommy finally gets bathe, decides to go get toenails painted before running errands and cleaning house. Mommy comes home to world war 4. Everyone is inside cleaning house. All wood is hauled to garbage pile, nothing to do but wait to helper. Hub has boy helping clean house. Boy throw fit because he doesn’t want to vacuum the entry haul. Boy throw s fit because he doesn’t want his room vacuumed. Mommy yells louder than everyone. Takes boy & friend, shoves in car, drives away to run errands. Mommy gives boy a piece of her mind.

Mommy returns home from errands and gives boys to hub to help dig holes. Doesn’t digging holes help build character? Holes dug, men go off to get lunch while mommy cleans house.

But wait! You may be wondering, when does the construction part start? Where is the lumber? Excellent question! Wish we had an answer!

Hub returns from picking up sandwich. He is twitching. Lowe’s said the stuff would be delivered after lunch. Storm clouds are gathering. Hub is nearing aneurism. Dogs wonder why they can’t get in house. Mommy notices cold beer in fridge. Hey – the kitchen is clean. Isn’t that enough work for one day???? Leftover pizza goes good with beer. Maybe there’s a horror flick on sci-fi!

What is that loud noise I hear? Could it be? A delivery truck – huzzah! Wood is delivered, menfolk are relieved. As the men being opening up the bundled piles of lumber, the mommy continues to wash the 400 loads of laundry that have been carefully saved up all week.

That’s not so bad, you’re thinking. Yeah, it’s 2 pm on Saturday afternoon and the wood is just getting delivered. But the storm clouds aren’t too thick and you’ve got plenty of daylight. And you would be right. But I know something you don’t – the delivery was wrong!

The order contained items we didn’t need (but got delivered). The order contained items we did need but weren’t delivered. It was a mess. After sorting through the delivery, hub loaded up some of the stuff we didn’t need, found the receipt (isn’t he glad I keep those things?), and headed down to Lowe’s.

Now, you know what Lowe’s is like on a beautiful spring Saturday. Half the town was down there, looking for stuff to buy for some home improvement project. While hub had talked to a manager on the phone so they had a clue, it still took over 2 hours to get the mess straight. Hub returns home at 5:30 with Taco Bell and more beer.

Holes are dug, wood is sorted out, tacos are eaten. It’s the end of day one and not one stick of new wood is in place.

After “disaster Saturday”, Sunday is a bit of sanity. Hub’s buddy came back to help again. Other than the boys having to chase Chyna (aka “escape artist dog”) down the street while I followed madly in the minivan, the morning was fairly uneventful. I did a little more housework, and the boys got the began work on the underpart of the deck.

The goal was to have the decking boards on so we wouldn’t have to continue lifting the dogs in and out of the house all week, but that wasn’t happening. As the sun went down, the hub put up a set of temporary steps and we laid decking boards out for the dogs to use. The underpart was built, but that was as far as they got. It was dark as he put the last of the power tools away.

We still have to cement and fill in the holes before we can screw down the decking boards. The decking boards have to be cut and attached. The stairs need to be redone so they are permanent. The railing has to be put in. The roof needs to be put on the covered section. The lattice needs to be attached, and then we can accessorize.

How much longer will that take? Well, I dunno. As of right now, hub only has work for the next 2 days. He can use some time during the week if the weather holds out. It will take all of next weekend if we start back up Friday (excluding doing the finishing touches like flowers and the fountain).

It was a heck of a weekend. I want a nice quiet low key week please, so I can gear up for part 2 next week. Stay tuned…..

I will not freak out

Have I mentioned that no one in my house has done any housework in days? I am seriously considering calling in an air strike!

Have I mentioned my husband is taking a chain saw to our deck this afternoon?

My mom is putting her cat to sleep this afternoon. He is very old and things just aren’t working well any more. He’s having a hard time eating, so it’s time. I told her I’d go with her (of course).

I have a very long to do list for the weekend. I will focus on one thing at a time. I do have my grocery list already made out, so I can do my shopping tonight, or start on some house work. We’ll see.

Not all is freak out stress in my world. I lost a pound, but more importantly, I feel like I am moving in the right direction again on the fitness front. The weather is supposed to be perfect for building a deck. My husband has plenty of help, so I can focus on doing the things that need to get done to take care of the house & get ready for the week.

My son is going on a 3 day field trip next week – Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Party at my place!!!!!!

My thought for the day: Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials. --Lin Yutang

You mean I own an alarm clock????

I tried, but I didn’t get up at 5 this morning – I was just too beat from last night. We had a lot of fun. I felt a bit of a twinge when everyone on my team (but me) was enjoying a beer or two. Ah well. It’s amazing how motivating spending money you don’t have can be. Hub has no work lined up for next week (although a solid prospect of working for a temp company that uses different types of hires contractors) and the trainer was not in the budget. At least not for 12 weeks!

Part of me feels guilty, but mostly I don’t. I spent my entire bonus on the family and not a dime on myself. If this means tightening down in other areas, then so be it. We have decided to cancel our honeymoon trip for the end of May, which is a savings of several hundred dollars right there. It’s something we can do another time, and I think hub will enjoy just hanging around the house – maybe having a few friends over for a cookout etc. He’s feeling very overwhelmed and overbooked, and the deck project is very big. So I think the prospect of going was stressing him out. Vacation shouldn’t do that.

I am stressed about hub not having any work next week, but this is a busy time of year so I don’t think it will be for more than a week or two. This part of his work still stresses me out, even after all these years of dealing with it. Part of me knows everything will be fine, but it still bugs me. I guess I’ll always be a worry wart.

Well, not much profound to say. Any plans for the weekend?

This is your life

So, first of all about the trainer: It went well. I signed up for 12 weeks of sessions, with 2 sessions per week. We’ll see how far that gets me. I will say, seeing how much body fat I’ve gained since my doctor checked it (18 months ago) was a little heartbreaking. We did more of an assessment than a workout, but I think its what I need to help me get back in the groove.

I have to say, I’ve been in a bit of a weird mood the past couple of days. I just haven’t really felt like doing much of anything. Too tired after work (and working out) to really do any craft project work, and frankly that hasn’t sounded really interesting to me in any case. Mostly I’ve just lolled about.

Tonight I am bowling to raise money for JA, so I will be getting home past my bedtime. Despite this, I will once again attempt to get up at 5 am. Wish me luck – I have been sleeping till 6 every morning. Luckily I’m working out in the afternoons. But it’s kinda sad that I am missing such perfect running weather.

Between us and the dogs, the freezer is packed! No buying more food until we’ve eaten up some of what is up there. So I must plan next week’s meals accordingly. Hopefully that will also mean a lower grocery bill next week.

I still have an appointment with the trainer at my gym for this Sunday, and I am meeting the new trainer (Brett) tomorrow. I won’t be exercising today, but my goal is to get a couple more interval sessions in this week.

Well, that’s about it for today. Hope you are doing well!

If I’m cooking for 3, why not cook for 7?

Have y’all been following this pet food thing? Apparently, there are 2 companies that received potentially tainted rice protein whose names have not been disclosed. Is that scary or what? It’s like you play Russian roulette every time you open a package of dog food!

After much discussion, we have decided to make our own dog food. I know it sounds extreme, but it’s cheaper than the Wellness dog food several of my friends rave about, and really, cooking for a dog isn’t that hard. Needless to say, they love the new food! I am still going to buy Wellness cat food for the cat – after reading up on it, they seem to be more difficult to cook for.

I went to the gym after work and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. It included several high intensity intervals, then a few minutes of steady state, and I had a warm up and cool down in there too. I kicked my butt! I went home, cooked for all the hungry mouths (including me & the hub), and then we sat our butts down to watch UFC 70.

The boy was over at my mom’s house giving her a hand cleaning out her storage barn, and it felt nice just to veg. I ate a very healthy meal (some of the veggies I steamed for the dogs, lentils, and sautéed chicken breast), then enjoyed a little air popped popcorn while watching the fights. I have no idea why I enjoy the UFC so much – I guess we all have our “guilty pleasure” TV shows. That’s mine!

Today is the appointment with my friend’s trainer – I’ll let you know how it goes! I will say, it’s a different type of workout than I would do on my own, and if I know someone is waiting I am much more likely to actually get in my car and drive to the gym – also, a trainer won’t let you slack!

Typically it looks a bit like this: we’ll warm up, do some weights – upper body and some ab work, do some lower body, go do a few intervals on a bike or something, then do some more weights, then a short cool down on a piece of cardio equipment. The first session was 75 minutes, the last one was right around 60. Last Sunday we finished with hack squats and I was done – seeing white spots kind of done. I push myself, but not to that level. Given the amount of fat I need to burn, making my weight training a fat burning event is critical. If I can do HIIT on my own in between, I should be making some great strides.

One good thing about working this hard is that I don’t want to undo it when I hit the kitchen. So I might have one piece of dark chocolate or something, but I’ve been doing pretty good at stopping myself.

So, how about everything else? You know, life, the universe, everything???? I have left all my hobbies – my illumination, my sewing, all my craft stuff - sitting idle. I think I had so many things going that I stopped enjoying any of it. I have no plans to work on anything crafty this weekend. We are working on our deck this weekend. My job is to do all the housework and make sure there are food & beverages. The boy & a friend are getting paid to help with the demo, hub has a friend coming over to help build the structural part underneath, and then I can pitch in laying the decking boards on Sunday if needed.

I don’t think I enjoy painting as much as I thought I would. It’s fun to do every once in a while, but I always put so much pressure on myself to do everything well. Why should I put a bunch of time & effort into something I want to be an “occasional hobby”? Why do I take everything and turn it into some sort of drive to succeed? I think I would be a much more content person if I didn’t have such a drive to achieve in every facet of my life. While this drive does serve me well in some areas, too much of it is overkill.

At the end of the day, it always come back to me needing to not always take on too much, to not try to master everything immediately, blah blah blah. Outcome oriented minds always focus on the destination and fail to enjoy the journey. That’s me in a nutshell. How do I get out of this great big nutshell??? Ah, that is the question!

Like the weather, my mood has improved

Good morning! I had a busy but good weekend. Friday was grocery shopping and taking care of some housework so we could head out to Busch gardens for the day Saturday. The weather was excellent. The only downer was that, due to a HUGE high school marching band competition, the park was very crowded. Despite that, I managed to ride every roller coaster.

The ride home was long, but we got home safely. Unfortunately, doggie children never let you sleep in late! Yesterday we finished laundry, I did the cooking for the week, and hit CostC0. It sounds busy, but was a pretty relaxing day. I did go to the gym and worked out with my trainer. I felt like I got a good workout. I am meeting with my friend’s trainer tomorrow, and then I’ll make a decision about what to do. I will say, I do like working out on Sundays a lot, so I may go to both!

I know that sounds frivolous – paying a trainer twice a week. But I have come to some realizations since my Friday meltdown: I am miserable. A trainer is cheaper than a new wardrobe. I need to be more consistent about taking care of myself if I want to have a healthy life as I get older. I am worth the time and expense. The way I’ve been feeling lately is no way to live.

Losing weight is just a piece of it. Lately I’ve just felt on edge and tired. It’s funny – a friend and I were discussing this the other day. We both a willing to use supplements to help boost our health, and we go to an “alternative medicine” physician who supports that route.

Anyway, Dr. W had recommended my friend try a supplement called Phosphatidylserine. It has been shown to reduce cortisol levels. The reason my friend mentioned it is that she noticed a marked improvement in her sleep when she started using it. I bought some at the Vitamin Shop and tried it Friday. I felt like I got much deeper sleep and woke up feeling more rested. Now, I am not saying this is any sort of panacea. But I think my stress was definitely affecting me in a number of ways, and feeling rested versus run down makes it easier to shift from panic mode to problem solving mode.

Today I feel ready to tackle this issue, one day at a time. Thank you so much for all the kind comments! Group support is a great benefit of blogging.

How was your weekend?

Panic attack

I made 2 mistakes this morning:

1. I got on the scale. I am up 2 pounds. This is just crazy. It feels like every time I get on the scale I’ve gained a pound or 2. I realized this morning that I have gained 18 pounds, and am 10 pounds away from my highest weight every. Just typing that makes me feel like I’m going to hyperventilate.

2. I grabbed a pair of pants out of the closet and wore them into work without really taking a hard look at them. I hadn’t worn them in a while, and didn’t think too much about it. I had to call my husband and ask him to bring me another pair because those looked so bad on me. You can’t imagine the humiliation in that. I am tearing up thinking about it.

I’ve spent this morning feeling like I can’t quite catch my breath because I am just in a panic. Part of me is thinking “That’s it! Nothing but protein shakes until I’m down 8 pounds!” Another part knows that isn’t logical, but oh my god I can’t stand this!

I know my exercise has been erratic and I know that my eating has been erratic too, but honestly, my behavior doesn’t seem that bad. But I guess it is. Right now I just feel like I don’t have any hope.

I know in the greater scheme of life this shouldn't be that big of a deal, but right now I just feel awful.

Moving on, in my tiara

After talking with my mom, I decided it might be prudent to have a plan B for next school year. I am generally happy with the school – it’s a good environment and I know the quality of education is higher than public school. But I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the pastor – I will say he did seem fair but I got the impression he felt like I was overreacting. Currently, we pay roughly $3000 in tuition. We were also paying $2000 for after school care, so we’ll say $5000. I looked into 2 schools: they both have a good academic reputation and both would be convenient to home, mom, and my office. One was $9000 and the other was $11000. So, switching schools would be a serious financial burden. OTOH, we were only looking at having him in private school through middle school, so 2 more years. Well, at least I am researching options. I don’t want to feel stuck.

It’s kind of funny – I had my meltdown Tuesday night, then hub has his last night. Poor guy – he was really mad & upset.

Today is off to a good start. One of my co-workers made a yummy fruit platter (it’s huge) with really terrific stuff – pineapple, kiwi, grapes, strawberries, and oranges. No yucky cantaloupe – hurray! This afternoon another co-worker is bringing in a chocolate cheesecake (that’s what I requested.) Yum! The nice thing is that this department is large enough that you can have a piece of something, enjoy it, and then the vultures will make sure every last crumb is gone. And if you choose to pass, no one will notice.

Tonight we are going out to a nice restaurant. It’s a local “chain” – I think there are 4 or 5. The one nearby is the original – it’s near the country club, so a lot of older folk, but its really nice, quiet, and good food without being all pretentious or anything. Lunch is the business crowd, and dinner is the country club crowd. They have 3 things that are especially good: steak, alfredo noodles, and creamed spinach. I plan to have a steak, steamed vegetables, & the alfredo noodles. The nice thing is they are served in a side ramekin, so they are a reasonable portion. That way you can eat the whole thing and still feel human!

I made an appointment yesterday with my friend’s trainer for next Tuesday. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Saturday we are going up to Busch Gardens. The boy is bringing a friend, so that’ll be fun for him. Once again, the stress of the week has meant the house has gotten away from me. Tonight when we get home from supper it is my intention to put on some jamming tunes and spend 30 minutes just picking up around the place.

Today's title? Yes, I am wearing my tiara my boss got me last year! Have a good one!

At least it's done

Well, the meeting is over. I can't say it went well, and I can't say I'm satisfied with the outcome, but it's one I can live with. As for next year, we'll wait and see.

And for the record, I learned exactly why that child is a bully and who he gets it from. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree in that family.

How do you “divorce” your trainer?

I will say that I got a great workout on Sunday, but there’s a “but” coming. Actually, a couple of “but”s. My biggest but is that I have done something to my left elbow. It’s sore on the inside, feeling like its likely a hyperextension. That’s a “but” b/c he let me do a bicep concentration curl on that arm for an entire set and didn’t correct my form until I was done. So, I dunno. My second “but”: any trainer that says “muscle weighs more than fat”? Well, no. It’s denser than fat. He said a lot of things a guy trainer would say to try to reassure a female client “you’ll get tone. You won’t bulk up.” Hmmm…..

In any case, I have another appt for this Sunday, but I have an appt next Tuesday with a co-worker’s trainer. I feel like I’m seeing someone on the sly or something, but she raves about this guy all the time, AND he’s $5/hour cheaper. I didn’t even consider him b/c he’s here in Gso, but if I can get an appt right after work then that will work out great. I can change at the office and he’s a 15 drive from here. My guy doesn’t get to the K’ville gym until late afternoon, which is why we’ve set our appts on Sunday. But that doesn’t always work either. Money is a little tight right now (I finally worked up my courage and looked at the post vacation Amex bill. Yikes!), but the hub will not let me quit the personal training. And frankly I don’t want to.

I am still stressed about this meeting this afternoon. Thanks for all the kind comments. I know I’m not the sort of blogger who write amazing earth shattering posts which elicit passionate responses from readers, but you have always been generous with the good wishes when needed, and for that I am grateful. No matter what the outcome this afternoon, the gym bag is in the car and I plan to deal with my post meeting leftover adrenalin in the gym!!!!!

Tomorrow is my birthday, but I will be up at 5 and hitting the gym because I slept in this morning since I got up at 1:30 and didn’t go back to bed until 4 am!!!! Ugh! The up side is that hub said the boy was in a very good mood this morning. I think he’s just relieved that we are finally doing something. As much as I hate this sort of thing, I feel bad that I haven’t done more, sooner. It’s been tough on him.

Conflict resolution solution

I hate conflict. I mean, I doubt the majority of people enjoy it, but I really dread it. Which is why I am writing a post at nearly 3 am - wide awake, unable to get back to sleep, dreading my day tomorrow.

I think I mentioned the situation at my son's school. In a nutshell, there is this ADHD out of control kid in his class (who we'll call Joe). Last year Joe was an annoyance, this year Joe has escalated to physical violence against the other kids. His mom has essentially given up, so the kid is really running wild.

Despite repeated assurances by the principal that he is punishing Joe (who must have his own desk in the office by now), nothing has changed. And really, is punishment effective if it isn't a deterrant? I don't know if the man is a bad principal or if nothing short of a cattle prod will get this kid in line, but things have continued to escalate throughout the school year. My son is miserable and who can blame him? If I had to go to work every day knowing I might be assaulted by a co-worker and that the management wouldn't take action, how would I feel?

At the end of our rope, I wrote a letter to the pastor of the church that owns/operates the school. In the nicest way possible, I described the situation and said we either needed him to step in and work to solve the problem or we would have to pursue legal action. As you can imagine, that got his attention.

The whole mess is complicated by the fact that this family attends church there, and we don't. I don't know how (or if) that will affect the pastor's viewpoint. I do know our son isn't the only child who is having these issues with Joe, and I know we aren't the only unhappy parents. But I doubt anyone else has gone to the pastor. And I don't know this man, my son says he is nice, but let's just say that my experiences with the clergy have led me to trust this man no more or less than I would any other stranger.

I really don't want to get involved in any sort of lawsuit/police complaint, but I have to stand up for my son. I also have to figure out a way to handle my stress besides eating. Cheese dip and beer is just not a healthy dinner people.

Please send good thoughts/prayers/whatever our way. I need my son's school to be a safe environment for him. Given that the middle school is essentially one big class and he and Joe both have 2 more years of each other, I'm not sure how that's gonna happen. Unless the principal sets up a videoconference so Joe can follow along from the office. This feels like a "locked room" murder mysetery - I just don't see the way out. I hope someone can.

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere

I’m a little tired today. For one, I did HIIT on the recumbent bike at the gym yesterday. For two, I stayed up and watched “Godzilla” (the one with Matthew Broderick) until 10 last night. And for three, I am still recovering from my pretty intense workout session Sunday.

I used the bike yesterday because I wanted to try a technique the trainer showed me, and because by the time I got there it was 5 and that was my only option. I have to say, I have a tough time getting my heart rate very high on the bike. I’m hoping to get there earlier today so I can have my choice of equipment.

I don't know if any of y'all shop Costco, but they carry these pre-seasoned individually packaged salmon fillets in the freezer section. They are awesome! That plus salad and spinach souffle is lunch this week. Well worth having on hand for lunches or a quick dinner.

Weather here is odd – very windy and cool for this time of year, low 60s. At least I don’t have the air conditioning cranking yet!

Hope you all have a nice day.

Powerless

I woke up this morning – luckily, because the power was out! We had a very strong wind storm last night. Everything came through okay and the power did come back on as I was headed to the kitchen. The boy was a bit grumpy – some school systems were delayed and he was a bit bitter that he had to go on time.

The workout was good yesterday – I am sore today. Last night we went out for Mexican food, but that was at the end of a weekend of eating healthy foods so I decided to just enjoy.

I didn’t get up and work out this morning (obviously!) – I hope I can at least do a quick session around the neighborhood this evening, but I have to do my mom’s taxes. I am not the procrastinator on this one. :-O

So far I am happy with Glenn (the trainer). If it doesn’t work out with him, I may switch over and try out the trainer one of my co-workers works with. She raves about him all the time. I will say it was a very good workout. The part that didn’t “wow” me was more some of the stereotypical traps a lot of trainers fall into (“muscle weighs more than fat”, repeated assurances that I wouldn’t get bulky. Well duh.). It’s like someone who knows how to drive a car, but doesn’t know how the engine works. As long as I am getting a good workout to my high standard, then that’s fine.

Have a good day!

Looking back, looking forward

Well, it's been a while since I posted - really posted about anything important in any case. I am going to make an effort to catch up here.

Work has been pretty stressful so far this year, and in the face of that plus hub's unemployment for a couple of months, I just felt overwhelmed. Given fears over the economy, our company has made instituted some cost saving measures. We did actually lose a couple of folks on our team. That was very difficult for me - I've never been through that before. The more ongoing nag are the goals we are expected to accomplish with little or no funding and (worse yet) what feels like not a lot of high level support. I work for a very good company and I know I "have it better" than a lot of folks. That's part of the reason this feels so frustrating for me. In any case, my boss is still good and our team is solid. The bummer there is that our boss has been sent to another office to "turn around" a troubled team whose manager just left. He's there at least 3 weeks. It's just been a tough adjustment coming off such a great year last year. And my projects feel pretty small in comparison. I'm not the only one, which is some solace.

Vacation was very good - the house was nice and we had a great time. Very relaxing. Towards the end I started feeling depressed about the thought of coming back and my weight and just a lot of stuff. Sigh. Then of course we got back and I got sick. In a way it was a blessing because the extra time away from work gave me an opportunity to do some hard thinking about how I was feeling and what I planned to do about it.

I feel like I’ve just let a lot of things go, stuck my head in the sand, and pretended they weren’t there. Not just my weight (although that too), but my declining fitness level, my detachment from my emotions (me? feelings?). Vacation was interesting in that I had large chunks of time to do what I wanted. I couldn’t even remember when I thought about what I really wanted. I spend so much time thinking about distracting things (money, bills, the house, the boy’s homework), that I don’t really give much thought to how I feel or what I’d like to do or what makes me happy. I had gotten so wound up I even lost touch with the basics of what it is that makes me happy.

I mean, I love my family, I am proud of our home, I enjoy my job. But what do I like to do with my spare time these days? I don’t really know. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything that I have a passion for - I just have a to do list. That feels sad to me. Even the medieval scroll project I am making for my husband doesn’t really thrill me right now.

So, what am I doing about it? Well, a couple of things.

1) I bought a book about meditation. I’d like to spend just a few minutes each morning/evening meditating. Sadly, I haven’t had time to start it yet! But I want to spend a few minutes this week reading the book at least!

2) Fitness. I received an unexpected check (one of those class action lawsuits that you don’t know about but you’re a part of) for $400 and I decided that rather than spending it on my house or my family or even my trip with hub next month, I would buy myself a birthday gift. I love my hub, but he really considered that stupid phone my birthday gift - like I gift a phooey about a phone - I just want one that works. That was his idea of a good gift - not mine. Anyway, I decided to spend the check on a personal trainer. I spoke to one of the employees at the gym and have a session today with the guy he recommended. I told him I wanted to work out once a week for 12 weeks, plus have him review my exercise overall as well as my eating.
Glenn (the trainer) asked me to stay off the scale & not obsess about counting calories at this point. For the next 3 weeks he just wants me to focus on making healthy food choices and enjoying my very difficult workouts! So that’s my plan. I have to say it feels good to be doing something for myself.

3) Long runs. My long runs (long for me) used to be one of my favorite times of the week. They were time I could just think without any worries about anyone else. No phone, just me. I am going to start making time for that again. I need the time to decompress if I am going to make any gains in my mental and physical well being.

So, how has this weekend been?

Excellent! Hub & the boy went to finish up the out of town job yesterday. Friday after work I gassed up the car and did the grocery shopping. They got started on the housework. Saturday I ran several errands, and I also managed to get everything put away from the beach trip. But I also make time to go for a walk and to sit & watch a TV show. I didn’t feel tired or worn out or resentful, which was a refreshing change of pace! I couldn’t believe how much I accomplished!
This morning has been odd. I woke up a 4 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got out of bed at 5 and went in and did my cooking for the week. That took until 7:30, and then I was tired, so I went back to bed! I slept until 9 and woke up feeling ready for the day! :-) Since then I’ve done a bit of housework, but made a point to stop when I started feeling stressed.

It’s about 11:40 now - my appointment with the trainer is at 2:30. Today I have to mop my bathroom floor and do my mom’s taxes. She does EZ, so that’s not bad. She’s coming over this afternoon. I even have tonight’s dinner already made! I may paint or not. I may sew - or not. I’ll work on what I feel like this evening, making sure I choose the thing I want to do, not the thing I “need” to do. I’ve been spending too much time on “need” lately - turning things into “need to do” that shouldn’t be in that category. One thing I won’t do is read a book - I’ve had about all the reading I could take while I was sick!

I hope that I use this blog more often while I am working with the trainer, not only to document what we’re doing, but also to keep a record for myself of what I accomplish.

Alive

Sorry, this has to be quick. I came down with that horrid rotovirus (or whatever) - I left work a bit early Monday and was sick as a dog. Awful. I'm feeling better today, but now my mom has it. I am working at her house today (thank goodness for laptops!) in case she needs anything other than 3 little dogs sleeping with her and using their reiki puppy powers on her. :-)

Take care - back soon! (Knock on wood!)

Just a quick note

Hello! We made it back, safe and sound. Vacation was wonderful, I am now back to reality. :-O I will post more later, just wanted to let you know I'm here!