More sun

Another sunny, warm (70s) day.  Another day with a few list of tasks, but nothing too bad.

The scale is down a couple of the about 4 pounds I gained on the trip.  I'm near my highest weight, which would be more miserable except I am working on changing it.  No kettlebells yesterday - I was tired and a bit stiff, so I decided to skip that.  I did walk in the park and went to water aerobics.

Today the plan includes water aerobics, walk in the park, and kettlebells.  There is no beer in the house, and there are a couple of (relatively) healthy, low cal snacks for evening.  I tend to eat a light dinner before class (which is at 7) and then I want a little bit of something when I get home.

After some consideration, I decided to sign up for an online dating service. I haven't dated in over 15 years and I've never used an online service.  I was building up a lot of fear of dating, so I decided to sign up and get my toes wet.  I don't feel ready for a serious relationship, but I felt now was the time to face that fear.  I will keep you posted.

Okay, have a good day!

Another gorgeous day!

Well 2 sunny days in a row.  Yay! 

I forgot to mention, but I wrote up a short and easy kettlebell session for myself.  I am doing it each day just to build back up a bit.  I will add to it, and once it is long enough I will switch to every other day.

So yesterday I walked in the park with my mom.  Nice and easy.  Today is more kettlebells and water aerobics.  I was feeling VERY snacky last night, but did well.

I have a list of things to do over the next couple of weeks.  Everything from washing the dog to organizing fall clothes.  Stuff that really needs to be done and I have time, which is nice!

Nothing profound to write, just getting back into a groove.  Take care!

It was a dark and rainy night

It rained cats and dogs all day yesterday.  Luckily there was no thunder which meant there was water aerobics!  My girlfriend couldn't make it (she is sick and the doctor told her to hold off a couple of days), but I went!  It was nice, once I got my butt out into the cold rainy night.

Food was fine yesterday. I hit Costco and bought a huge bag of organic mixed greens (kale, spinach, chard) for smoothies & salads, a bag of frozen fruit for smoothies, tomatoes, and a rotisserie chicken for dinner and the leftovers for lunch salads.

No water aerobics today, I can't decide if I want to go to the gym or just go walk in the park now that it's sunny!  I got a cute haircut and then went and picked up cucumbers and hummus to have for evening snacks this week.

In a move that is NOT at all surprising, my not yet ex has moved in with new girl.  More proof they are both crazy.  He's looking for a substitute, she's looking for a baby daddy.

I gained 4 pounds on the trip.  I'm not surprised, but it's right back to healthy eating and exercise.  And looking for a job.

I'm unpacked and my room is cleaned.  I've swept the house and I need to do some dishes.  Then respond to a few emails, clean my desk, balance my checkbook, etc. etc. 

Mood is middle ground.

There and back again

Well hello to anyone who might read this! My son and I are back from our trip across America.  It was terrific, I'm so glad we did it. 

I stopped writing because honestly, I didn't want to read it.  It's been hard.  Hard that your husband of 14+ years walks out the door and moves in with another woman without a backward glance.  Even if you know he's a jackass, it's still a blow to your esteem.  Add unemployment to the mix and you have a cocktail for a tough time. 

As they say, tough times don't last, but tough people do.  I am ok.  I can pay my bills without too much trouble, I have a place to live.  I have recruiters helping me look for something.  I will find a job.  Right now is a good time to take care of myself, and that is what I am focusing on.  I have signed back up for water aerobics and I have a friend going with me (my mm just isn't a pool person).

I have a membership to the Y and a house full of healthy foods.  I have a list of things I want to get done while I have some time.  I won't lie - this sucks.  But I can sit around a be depressed or I can use the time.  I choose the latter.

I will write more about my trip and what is goin gon in the coming days.  For now ... I'm back.

Too much time on my hands

Parked in drafts for a couple of days, in the hopes I could be more articulate.

The other night after supper I started feeling anxious, and I realized that I've addressed emotional eating, habit eating, and this one is maybe the final issue that I need to face: boredom eating.  (not that those issues are solved, but they've at least had the curtain pulled back and the light of day shined on them!).

You would think people would never be bored - we have so much to do!  And I certainly had plenty I could do - chores.  But I wanted to do something enjoyable and nothing seemed to fit the bill.  I didn't want to bring out a project (too much effort), I couldn't find a book I wanted to read. Eating would be a way to "switch off".

I have loads of things I want to do, but starting feels daunting.  I've avoided that most of this week by sticking my nose in a book (thanks to a trip to the used book store), but I can't keep avoiding it.

I'm not ok, you're not ok, and that's ok

Hey there.  I said that to a friend the other day, in kind of a joking way, but really, it's pretty true!

There's lots of things that I don't feel ok with, and sometimes I feel angry, or sad, or scared.  I remind myself that those are normal feelings under the circumstances, and it's ok!  I don't have to pretend them away.  I don't have to share them either if I don't feel comfortable doing that.

So that's where I am - all the feelings that come with change, positive and negative.  I get tired of writing about it at times, I guess you get tired of reading it too!

But I'm doing pretty well. Hope you are too! :-)

Still here

It's been a quiet week.  I've been feeling low energy, vaguely sad.

The funeral was nice.  Mom and I did the food, and that turned out well.  It's been a productive weekend, getting a lot of housework done.  I have fun plans the next couple of weekends, so I needed to get some stuff done.

I decided to quit my Cross Fit gym for a while - it just feels a bit overwhelming, plus it's expensive and my job is ending in a few weeks.  I have my kettlebells at home, and I still belong to the Y.  I've been trimming back to my spending.

Not much else to report.  Take care!

Change of plans

My son and I had planned to head to the coast this weekend, but he has strep throat. So, no trip for me!  Oh well, that gives me time to finish packing stuff up from my last trip!

After reading the book, I've decided to start the (new) Atkins diet - this one has a lot more veggies since it uses "net" carbs.  I feel better eating low carb, but I feel like I need more structure, so I hope this will help.  Meals are planned accordingly.

I'm still not really back on schedule - I haven't been to the gym since I got back.  I just really can't decide what to do about that.  Right now it feels daunting, but I have no idea why.

I bought an Atlas so we cna plan our trip across America.  I am super excited about that!!!

Anyway, this weekend is going to be about putting stuff away and getting organized.  Ugh.

Also, my friend and mentor passed away last weekend.  Funeral is next weekend.  That's been hard - mom has been helping her best friend (his wife) get things together for the service.  They've been together since they were 15. :-(

Take care & enjoy your weekend.

Challenge

Yesterday Sean issued me a challenge: In the evening when I begin to enter my "danger zone" (the time of day I'm most likely to overeat), to stop and think about when these habits started, what was going on, and how I felt. 

While I've always been an evening snacker, for most of my life it hasn't affected my weight - I naturally built an evening snack into my eating habits in such a way that I maintained a healthy weight.  There have been two distinct periods when that was not the case: the first one was when my husband and I were dating and he was still living up in Maryland.  The second was when my job was being transferred and causing issues between the two of us.  There were so many things going on, but that was one of the biggest.

Clearly stress - particularly relationship stress, is one of the items that pushes me into losing my equilibrium with food.

I had a chance to talk to my husband on this trip about health insurance - one of the issues I have been very concerned about.  He reassured me that he will continue to carry my son & me on his insurance for next year.  That made me feel better.

My contract is coming to an end in October and money will be tight until I get a new job.  It's nice to not have to worry about insurance at least.

Take care.   

Readjusting

Hi there.

I'm still settling back in form vacation.  I'm caught up at work - not so much at home!  I will write in more detail later - I have a lot of think through.  I will say that vacation provided highs and lows, joy and sadness, but mostly gave me a bit more closure than I expected.  I feel more ready to move forward and less caught in a tangle of fear of the future.  So that's good.

Big hugs!

Home

Good vacation!  Home safe, unpacked, mostly ready to resume reality tomorrow! :-)

Packing

Have to finish packing - leaving at noon tomorrow straight from work.  No internet, no computer.  Have a nice week.  Catch on the flip side! :-)

No one can take your joy

I have to tell you, I have very mixed feelings about vacation.  I love this trip - I always get so excited and its one of the highlights of my year.  But not this year.  I dread seeing my ex, who has been up there a week. Not because I want him back, not even because I think he'll start anything (at least not overtly).  But he's going to want to argue over who gets what of the camping gear. I hate that crap.

I haven't even wanted to pack, but tonight I at least got the clothing together.  So, progress.

I'm just stressed about a lot of things: money (just charged my flood insurance), haven't gotten the rent for July and I need it to pay August before I leave, losing a week of pay, looking at being unemployed come late October...  And I'm (pretty) sure he is not going to sign us up on his health insurance for next year - even though he is legally obligated to do so.  So I'll have to buy it on the exchange and sue him for the money.

So yeah, cash flow problems.

But I am working on getting packed tonight, and I am determined to have fun!

So that's me.  I am determined NOT to let him or worry over things I can't control ruin my joy!!!

They didn’t teach shop at the school of science & math

Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot at Lowe’s, wondering how I ever got to this point.

I was a nerdy kid, and even if they had offered shop class at the NC School of Science & Math where I attended high school, I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken it.  But they didn’t and I didn’t.  And then I went to college, where I did help a boyfriend work on his 1969 Mustang Mach 1.  And then I joined the Army, where I actually had to do the maintenance on my own vehicle.  Although I admit I wasn’t above baking cookies and taking them to the mechanics so that they would do most of the work!

But tools?  Sure, I’d help my dad hold a piece of siding or something, but he never really explained or I never really listened, or a bit of both.  But not too long after I bought my house I met my (not soon enough to be) ex-husband, and he was a contractor, so problem solved.  Until he left and took all the tools, none of which I knew how to use anyway.

So the other day I found myself looking online for adult shop classes, but couldn’t find anything locally. My terrier is getting under the barn (or trying), and cut herself on the wire someone tacked up years ago as a deterrent.  Despite years of asking, neither my son nor my husband ever bothering addressing the issue.  

I decided to solve the problem.  So I did what any mature, self-sufficient woman would do: texted her manly tool wielding girlfriend and asked her if she’d please come help!  But she couldn't get here till late-ish, so I decided to go to Lowe’s and buy the lattice.  Did you know that you can’t really cut wood lattice very well because it’s stapled together?  Did you also know that Lowe’s doesn’t cut plastic?  Which is how I wound up in the middle of a busy Lowe’s with tears in my eyes asking the guy that works there what to do.

He asked me if I had a hacksaw, I said no, my ex took all the tools and what was a hacksaw anyway?  So he helped me pick out a hacksaw.  I wrestled 4 pieces of 2 x 8 plastic lattice into my Nissan Sentra, and sat in the parking lot, wondering when exactly I sold my sense of self sufficiency and independence for the comforts of marriage, and why?  Was it necessary?    

I bought my first tool.  I expect to buy more.  They'll be worth the price because I will be buying back my own sense of self.

And when my friend K got here?  Well, it took some yesterday and till nearly 1 today, but:

The other 3 sides look just as good.

Today

Last night was fine.  Ate dinner, then had a piece of chicken for a snack later.  Drank unsweetened tea and water only.

Today is super busy, the usual plus getting packed for my trip.  And trying to repair the lattice on the barn.  My friend K is coming over to help, and I am grateful for that!

Okay, have a good day!

Where did the week go?

Since I was off Monday, I've been working long days for the rest of the week to make up (most) of the time.  AH, the carefree life of a contractor! ;-) Anyway, between getting off work late, son being home in the evenings, and things just being busy here (mom took off for Georgia and I am in charge of the dog pack), I just haven't posted.

My Atkins book arrived - I really like it.  I've nearly finished reading it.  It's a "new and improved" Atkins, and looks at "net carbs".  So basically phase 1 is meats, healthy fats (including dairy), and veggies.  The goal for phase 1 is 20 net carbs per day.  I am going to start once I get back from camping.  Not making excuses, but it is too difficult to work out food when primitive camping to try & figure out carb counts.  I will focus on eating healthy, minimally processed.  There is actually a produce stand on site!

Did not get the job I posted for - it was supporting our other product and I have NO experience on it, so I wasn't terribly surprised.

My terrier managed to cut herself on some chicken wire trying to get under the storage barn (rabbits & other small animals go under there sometimes).  At least that's my working hypothesis.  So my friend Kay is coming and we are going to put lattice around the base of the barn.  I am going to get it pre cut at Lowe's, so the overall effect is going to be pretty trashy, but it will be effective.

I used to have access to several thousand dollars of really nice power tools.  Now I have none.  I need to get a few things, and learn how to use them.  Sadly, the local community college does not seem to offer an "adult shop" class!

Have a good day!

Operation GMST*

Okay, I've been thinking about this for several days now.  While it is okay to be somewhat adrift, it is NOT okay to remain in passive mode doing nothing about it for an extended period of time.  Navel gazing only gets you so far!

This is a multi-fold plan.  Stages, setbacks, lulls, and wrong turns are all okay.  Remaining in pitiful pearl mode is not okay.

Number 1:  Let's work on a little self compassion.  It's not so much an esteem issue as the fact that I always expect unreasonable things from myself.  Ordered:

Also, I emailed Blaine at Crossfit and told him I would be back after Pennsic.  Working out in a gym with no air conditioning when it's in the upper 90s and the humidity makes it feel like 100+ is not working for me.  And I've been beating myself up for not going, but it's making me feel absolutely ill afterward due to the heat.  In short, I've been setting myself up to feel worse about myself.  STOP it!

Number 2:  Health.  Yeah, carbs, you gotta go. Ordered:

I love you, but we HAVE to break up.  You're just no good for me.

Number 3:  Being social, doing things with friends.  Being there for them as well as asking them to be here for me.  A+.  I probably have better, closer relationships with my close girlfriends than I have in YEARS.  Friends are important!

Number 4: Doing something important.  Am looking into finding 1-2 places I really want to volunteer.  I could spare a few hours a month to help someone other than myself (or my friends).  And I think I would feel a lot better about me if I did!

Number 5:  Hobbies (good point Gwen!).  I'm a girl with too many hobbies! :-)  But many I can't really indulge in right now since so much of my stuff is in storage.  But I'm doing what I can on this front.

Number 6: Stop dreading, start doing.  Already talked to my tenant.  She hopes to buy the house by the end of the year.  I let her know I plan to have it sold by late spring as that is when I intend to look for a house.  I hope like anything we can work it out, but I let her know there is an end point at which I will have to move on.  Post vacation: start looking for a full time job.  :-(  I like contracting, but I need something steadier for the next few years.

And the title: Get My S&^% Together. :-)  I remain a work in progress.

Take care!

 

A different version of the same mistake

While different, this week has been as difficult as I've had since the separation.  For so much of my life, I've done what a lot of girls who were raised without a strong, positive male influence do:  looked to men for affirmation. I thought I was past that, but I realized that no, not really.

I didn't realize how much of my sense of identity and self worth was tied into being a successful employee at a major corporation, making a good home, being a good wife and mother.  Now I'm a contractor, living in someone else's home, without a husband, and a grown son who isn't nearly as dependent on me as he once was.

No wonder I'm adrift.  It's not just the level of uncertainty.  It's the realization that I don't have a good handle on who I am.  I feel like my yardsticks for measuring my self worth are gone.  I don't know what I do to add value to the world.

So what's next?  I have no clue.  This last week was a mess.  I HAVE to be done with that - it's getting me nowhere.  I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Still pondering

Hey there.  Work was fine, ate what I packed, blah blah.  Tonight is water aerobics and food is ready for tomorrow.  When I get home from water aerobics I will want something to eat, need to figure out what will make a good snack that I will enjoy.

I'm seriously considering doing a better job of tracking (and limiting) my carbs.  I generally stay away from breads, pastas, and other processed foods.  But I think I may look into Atkins when I get home from camping.  For now I'll tighten down a bit more, but I want to buy the book - or check it out from the library.

I was feeling kinda down today.  I plan to start looking for a full time job when I get home from vacation.  I enjoy contracting, but I'm not sure right now I can handle the uncertainty.  Maybe if the house were sold.  That's another thing - after vacation I plan to call my tenant.  The lease is up 1 November, I need to know what she's thinking about that.  So much to consider - no wonder if feels a bit overwhelming.  

I don't know how to wind down

Day turned out much better than I thought it might, although I had too much to do.  Son woke up happy and well rested, took care of brakes, and relaxed (which he needed).  I did food prep, laundry, etc.

I am discovering that food and/ or a beer (or glass of wine) serves as my signal that it's time to wind down.  I'm clean, face washed, teeth brushed, supplements taken, and I find myself sitting here thinking "now what?".  I need a new signal to tell me to relax. Something to ponder....

Feeling a bit frustrated

Good morning!  Can I vent for a moment here?  (Of course I can, it's my blog!)

I've raised a pretty good kid if I do say so myself: he's competent, kind, and hard working.  I don't take all the credit, and of course at 20 he is still a work in progress, but he's a good kid. 

On the plus side is that he is caring and generous.  One the negative, it sometimes I feel like I get placed last in his priorities.  He is working and saving money to go back to school, but I am subsidizing him somewhat.  One thing I recently did was pay the tax & tags on his car.  In return, I asked him to do the brakes on my car.  The problem is that doing that falls behind working on his stuff and working on his grandpa's house.  Well, I can't wait forever for my brakes to get done! 

He isn't selfish - certainly less so than your average 20 year old, but I still get frustrated when working on my stuff (for which he gets paid more than he does by his grandpa) is lower priority than everything else!  UGH!

I had a nice time yesterday - went out to lunch with my friend, hung out by the pool, then she came over and I fixed supper for everyone (family got home right at supper time).  It was a nice day.

I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit like this today:

Happy Weekend!

Good morning!  My son & mom headed for the beach Thursday, so I've been home alone.  Living with my mom, I really miss my alone time.  I'm very grateful we have the kind of relationship where this is working fine, but I am a person that really needs some solitude.  They are headed home this afternoon.

Ran errands, went to the gym, blah blah blah. :-)  Been an okay week.

Certain things mean summer to me:  from childhood it's the sound of cicadas and the smell of tomato plants in the garden.  As an adult, I've added watching the tour de France, which I really enjoy.  We don't have cable, but sometimes they show it on NBC on the weekends.

This afternoon I am hanging out with a girlfriend over at her sister's house.  (She has been doing contract work for the past couple of years and traveling a lot, so she's been just living out of her sister's house).  She has a regular full time job now and is getting her own place at the end of the month.  Anyway, they live a couple of miles away and have a pool, so yay! :-)

It's funny - I know several people my age who are living with friends and/ or family.  I think it's smart, but I also think it's a good indicator of the state of the economy.

I hope you have a good weekend!

"Everything I never knew I always wanted"

That title was the title of a post on http://carlabirnberg.com/ (it's a quote from "Fools Rush In" - a very silly enjoyable rom com).  I love that quote - it perfectly captures what it is I feel like I need to find - not a person, so much as a passion.

So, today was Cross Fit.  I never regret going, but sometimes it is hard to get there.  It is hard, and way outside my comfort zone.  But I always feel accomplished when I leave the gym.

Work was fine, ate my packed food.  Dinner was potato, baked fish, and roasted broccoli. My mom and son are headed to the beach this weekend - I'll be here, dog sitting.  Getting together at some point with a friend.  I'm very much looking forward to a quiet weekend home alone. 

I have an interview tomorrow (with my boss) for a full time position on my team.  I don't know what will happen.  If I don't get it I will be disappointed, but I know I'll be okay.  So, fingers crossed! :-)

Okay, going to take a shower!  Take care!

Family, friends, fun & food

Sorry to leave you hanging again - I was busy having a wonderful weekend!!!

A dear friend Kay came for the weekend, my son was here, and a friend of his.  We grilled out a bunch, watched movies (including "Independence Day"), and just hung out.  It was awesome!  I needed that - I really relaxed. :-)

Saturday morning I went to Cross Fit and had a long talk with the owner.  I've been feeling frustrated lately - I haven't been sure about my form and feel like I haven't been making progress.  He assured my I was doing fine & on track, but said he would also bring it up with the other 2 teachers.  I also committed to coming in a practicing my form more, even if I'm not going in to work out.  Today after work I went over & worked on my cleans before dinner.  I'm going to water aerobics in a few minutes.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well!

I made a really good recipe for breakfast this week:

Thai style burgers:  garlic, ginger, lemongrass & cilantro, topped with an Asian slaw:  slaw mix with cilantro, sesame oil & lime juice. 

Really good and a nice serving of veggies with breakfast!

Have a good day! :-)

Then I left you hanging

Good morning.

Just a quick note before I head for work.  I've been to water aerobics and Cross Fit this week.  I've also done some emotional eating, but I am feeling better.  I've got my travel plans sorted out for my trip to Pennsylvania at the end of the month.

On our call Tuesday, Sean asked us to finish the sentence, "When I have lost the weight, I ...".  My answer was a bit backward, because my sentence is "When I ..., then I will lose the weight."  I've said it before, but I have to deal with the empty place I fill with food.  It's not just emotional eating, it's eating to fill that void. 

Working on it - sometimes with mixed results, but working on it.

Have a good day!

More navel gazing

Yesterday I met a girlfriend for lunch, then drove to Durham for a cookout with friends.  It was a satisfyingly social day.  Today is Cinderella duties.

I'm excited about our trip, feel more confident in my financial security as a result of the signed separation agreement, but I still feel .. wow.

Years of trying so hard to keep my marriage together, and putting up with so much crap, and doing so much for that guy.  And then he shows up to the signing with a toddler seat in the back of his car.  Yeah, unfaithful much?  What a jerk.

So, what's next?  I had envisioned buying a house and then renovating it just the way we wanted it (the perks of being married to a contractor).  Now?  Hell, I have no idea. 

It's hard to get excited about putting one foot in front of the other when you have no idea where you are going.

Turn the page

I have spent the past 20 or so years doing what women all around the world do: support and nurture their families.  I’ve provided financially and emotionally, and my efforts have taken care of us and allowed others to pursue goals and dreams.  There have been successes and failures along the way.  And like many women, I have happily allowed my own dreams to take a back seat, believing “my turn” would come.

The past year has brought about a sea change in nearly every aspect of my life, and the next year promises to bring even more.  With change comes opportunity if you are willing to grab it.  I’ve been asking myself lately what dreams I want to pursue.  I don’t have a lot of concrete answers and that’s okay.  But I’ve been yearning to do something epic.

I’ve decided this year I am crossing a big item off my bucket list:  I am making a cross country trip with my son.  Beyond visiting a dear friend in Phoenix, Moab, the Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, the rest is TBD.  We have to work out the itinerary and timeline, but I have reached a point where I am able and ready to make my own goals and dreams a priority.

Maybe a different woman could have done a better job of balancing those dreams of her family with her own.  I guess I’m too much of an “all in” person to have done it that way.  I waited “my turn”, before realizing that you can’t wait, you have you make your turn.

Our cross country trip to see some of the best America has to offer might be the “official” start, but really, the journey is already underway.

TGIF

Guys, it's been as rough a week emotionally as I have had in months.  But the papers are signed, the car titles are transferred.

Blech

Ever feel like you are a salmon trying to swim upriver, but barely holding your own?  The last couple of days I just felt like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life.  While that isn't reality, it's how I feel.  And it stinks feeling that way.

Here is a picture of the food I am packing this week:

That riced cauliflower looks weird. :-)

I know this feeling will pass, I don't like coming here and being a negative nellie, but I guess we all feel that way sometimes!

I had dinner with 2 friends over the weekend, so that was nice.  I'm hanging in here, but the heat is kinda miserable.  It was 98 today.

Take care!

Define "salad"

I just finished my food prep for the week.  Yay!  I made myself a different variation of salad that I haven't made in a while, and I got to thinking about salad.  Some bloggers say they don't like salad.  That may be true, but I also think a lot of people have a pretty narrow definition.

My salads that I pack for lunch never include lettuce or spinach or anything like that - they just don't hold up well. This salad is no exception to that rule.  I'll give you the base and today's version, but you can take this salad in any flavor direction you'd like.

Cauliflower salad

Rice a head of cauliflower in the food processor  (after that there are no rules!)
Today's included
grilled chicken
a can of black beans
cilantro
green onions (red are good too)
I could have put roasted corn but didn't have any
chili and garlic powder
lime juice
salt
an english cucumber, diced

This will keep in the fridge all week.  Every night before I pack some for lunch I plan to add:
diced tomato and avocado

As you can imagine the portions are quite large and low in calories and carbs, but an excellent source of good fats & protein.

It's super hot here today.  I went for a walk in the park and am spending today inside.  I miss you, spring!

Hope you have a good day!

And .... moving on

So, here's the thing: In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.  We've been separated for 3 months, so 9 more to go.  You can do it one of 2 ways: you can get a legal separation agreement at any point in that year, or you can wait to quibble over shit until the end and drag it out.  We already have a verbal agreement, I want to get it in writing.  But husband is the kind to do any and everything in order to avoid anything "unpleasant". 

He had planned to come down here this weekend to help his mom with some stuff, but when that became unnecessary, I think he decided "why bother"? Although he has to register son's car by the end of the month or sign it over to me, so I do think he will likely come next weekend as that is his last possible chance to avoid shelling out for the car.  But once he signs, he also loses his ability to say "If you don't do xyz, then I will xyz."  And yeah, extortion is one of the tools in his arsenal to get his way.

SO.

Had a bit of a pity party last night, then got up this morning and went to the gym.  Food is planned and purchased, and will be prepped tomorrow.  I've applied for the open position on our team, balanced my checkbook, and done some housework.  Tonight I am having dinner with a girlfriend.  Tomorrow is more Cinderella work (laundry and cooking) plus maybe a walk in the park. 

So, yeah, pretty disappointed but not surprised.

Have a good day!

ugh

Guess who backed out of signing the papers?  Ugh.  Back tomorrow.

I got nothing

Stressed.

Started watching "Grace and Frankie" on netflix.  It's pretty cute.  Work was okay, have some nice plans with friends for the weekend, plus some down time.  Just looking forward to getting this done.  Will report in tomorrow night.

Good night!

We shall see

The good:  Husband claims he will meet me Friday afternoon around 3 or 3:30.  We'll see if he actually signs the separation agreement.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  So that could be good!

The "bad":  Cross Fit.  Okay, it wasn't bad, but it was HARD.  Very tough partner workout.

The ugly:  I think a while back I mentioned our good family friend (they used to live next door and I babysat for their son).  His wife is mom's best friend and he was a finance professor and my mentor in grad school.  He was diagnosed with cancer, which they treated.  It is back and it is everywhere.  The situation is just awful.  She came over to cry on mom's shoulder - I headed out early to the gym so they could talk.  I just feel so terrible.

Day was typical; ate my packed food, came home, went to the gym, ate supper.  Need to take a shower and pack my food for tomorrow.

That's all I got.

Anxiety

So, this week I am waiting with baited breath to see if my husband will actually sign the separation agreement on Friday.  Cross your fingers for me!

This week is okay.  It's hot, I went to Cross Fit and it was a sweatfest, but I loved it.  I need to go shower and pack my food before my 8 PM weight loss support group conference call.

I leave you with this thought:

Sunny Sunday

Good morning.  Got a great night of sleep last night, but for some reason I woke up at 6 and I was awake.  Ugh - my chance to sleep in, denied! :-O

I got up and went to the park for an early morning walk which was very nice.  I've been to Costco, almost finished with food prep, and mostly done with laundry.

The big activity for this afternoon is washing the dogs.  Jordan is pretty easy, but Mya hates getting a bath, and she's big, and very strong.  Luckily it isn't a frequent occurrence!

Yesterday I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2" on netflix streaming.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

Not much else to say.  Looking forward to a low key day before I go back to work.  Have a good day!

Crazytown

So, about yesterday.  Hub called his mom and asked her to call my mom to see if my mom would meet him at the back Friday so he could sign the car over to me.  Uh, WTF!?!  So, why is he trying so hard to avoid me?  Anyway, I told him that he would need to meet me because I was the one who would be getting the car, not my mom.  Dumba$$.  And we could sign the separation agreement at the same time.

He made a few asinine statements, but so far seems amenable to this plan.  We shall see.

I don't understand why he is trying so hard to avoid me, I'm like, let's just get it done and move on, but he would rather delay & avoid.  What a coward.  Moving on....

Had an amazing Cross Fit workout this morning.  Here is what was written:

400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 cleans
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)

It was a partner workout so you only do half the exercises in between - we traded off with sets of 5.  Since I don't run we did a 300 m row instead.  It took us around 22 minutes.  Not too shabby, but boy was I whipped!  I was proud of th epace we were able to maintain and having a partner pushed me.

I came home & had a steak & tomato omelet.  I am going to take a shower and then start on chores - the usual cleaning, shopping, food prep, plus dog washing! :-)

Anyway, just needed to vent yesterday.  One trait about my ex that drove me nuts was the way he would do just about anything (including lie) in order to avoid something unpleasant.  I'm a rip off the bandage kinda girl.  I'd rather be done with it so I can move on.

Okay, have a great weekend!

Head exploded

So, my not soon enough ex is being a jerk.  Head explodes.  You left me, I gave you everything you asked for, what's up with your douchery???

The end.

Sleepy girl!

I have no idea who has been slipping me sleeping pills!  I have been SO tired lately.  I came home and took a nap (again today) then ate supper, then went to water aerobics.

I don't know why I've been so tired lately, but I've taken a nap every day after work.  I've done water aerobics twice, did Cross Fit last night, and plan to do Cross Fit again Friday and Saturday.

In any case, other than a small bag of chips (200 calories) that I gave in to at work today (it was my long day - 10 hours - and I was tired), food has been on plan and exercise has been really good.

Okay, my son is visiting so I'm gonna get off the computer.

Good night!

Wednesday

My reaction when a friend had to shut down her blog.  Most uncool.

My day was nice - had lunch with a good friend which was a treat.  Ate planned food, went to Cross Fit, then had a yummy dinner (salmon patties, baked fries, roasted okra).

I am very proud of myself! My feelings about Cross Fit have been mixed - I love the weight lifting part, but the conditioning work is pretty brutal and I dread it because I'm not in good condition.  Tonight's metcon included multiple 800 meter runs.  I asked how long to row as a substitute and did that instead.  I am proud of myself.  I didn't make excuses, just asked, rowed that distance instead, and moved on.  It was still very hard, but it didn't feel overwhelming.  So yay for sticking up for what is right for my body!

Ex is going to have to go in to the DMV and register the car.  I texted him and he said okay.  So done.  Moving on from that.

I hope you had a great day and enjoy your evening.  Take care!

I don't always want to feel my feelings

First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments.  You are right - my feelings are appropriate, and I am thankful I didn't buy a car with an accident I didn't know about!

Last night I came home, ate, and went to water aerobics.  Then I had a snack when I got home, watched an episode of "Eureka" and went to bed.

This morning I went online to update the registration for my car and my son's.  Mine was no issue.  Son's car is in my husband's name, and since he changed his address I couldn't do it online.  I was SO annoyed.  My feelings were out of proportion to what happened.  In any case, my son can go Friday and see if he can do it in person.  If not, ex will have to deal with it.  I sent him a text and let him know.  Ugh.

I'm resentful that for 13 years I supported him, made sure he had health insurance (and took car of himself), and now he is perfectly willing to leave us without health insurance.  And threaten to take half my retirement fund.  So when stuff like this morning happens, I get livid.  So yeah, I am angry and resentful.

There are times I really don't want to feel my feelings - they just feel like too much.  I just keep plugging away at the little issues, knowing that only time & distance will help.

I planned to go to Cross Fit, but I came home for a short nap and didn't wake up.  Dinner is eaten, food for tomorrow is packed.  So I guess today is a rest day.  Tomorrow is Cross Fit.

Take care!

Feeling my feelings

I am going to write this.  I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but this is how I am feeling and I want to write it down, partly so I can let it go.

I think I mentioned that a colleague was going to sell her car and buy a minivan. I was hoping to buy it - it's 1 year newer, has 25K less miles, and has cruise control (the main point).  Well, she traded it when she got a new car this weekend.  Turns out it had been in an accident before she bought it and that wasn't disclosed, so she didn't want to sell it to anyone.

I don't blame her, but I am disappointed.  And I am also feeling resentful that my ex went out and bought a car the day after he left me.  And I still have my old car.  My only complaint about my car is that it doesn't have cruise control.  Other than that I am happy.  And could I go buy a car?  Of course! But I am trying to be fiscally responsible since my contract is up in October and I don't know what I'll be doing after that.  And I don't know when my house is going to sell.

So, disappointed and resentful.  Eh, those are my feelings.  I'm not letting it ruin anything, nor have I turned to food.  I am going to read, have a nice dinner, and then go to water aerobics.

Take care.

Sunday

Last night I met up with 2 girlfriends for dinner and had a great time!  Today I am feeling MUCH better - still a tad sniffly, but nearly 100%.

More importantly, I am feeling a renewed sense of purpose.

I got up at 7 and began food prep for the day.  I've made 2 turkey casseroles, cooked my breakfast and lunch stuff as well as most of my son's.  I need to do my laundry and sweep my room. 

Mentally I feel much better today.

Food for the week:

Breakfast: salisbury steak made with ground turkey and green beans
Snack: hummus & carrots
Lunch: salad made with turkey, roasted zucchini, cucumber, tomato, and homemade vinegarette
Snack: fruit & 12 almonds
Dinner: various
Snack: 1 slice ultra thin rye & 3 pieces of salami

I hope you enjoy your day!

Get the funk out

I have really been in a funk, and then I got sick.  The last (month?) has just been ... blah.  I know that's normal and okay, I've basically kept my head above water, but that's about it.  I've gone to work and done the things I NEEDED to do, but that's about it.  There's just not much left over.  I know this won't be forever, and it's just a mood, not reality.  (Does that make sense?).  I'm getting out, connecting with friends, blah blah.  Things could be a lot better on the food & exercise front, but I haven't been ready to tackle that.  But .. I can feel that I am close to being ready again.

I haven't had a lot to say, honestly I haven't even had a lot of thoughts.  I just feel kinda like I'm swimming through an empty spot.  It just ... is. But things aren't bad either.  And you know what, they'll be good. :-)

Take care.

Sick :-(

I'm okay.  I have a summer cold and feel pretty miserable.  I called in sick, but then went in later.  I just got caught up from taking time off, I didn't want to all behind again.

Still hiding in a book. Not working out as I feel like poo.  On the plus side, I have NO appetite.

Top of the week

Good morning.

It was kind of a weird week.  I've been feeling "off" emotionally.  Dealing with the car accident stuff, frustrated by husband not signing the separation papers, etc. has just left me feeling wiped.  Went to Cross Fit twice, but other than that came home & crawled into a book.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends over in Raleigh which was a lot of fun.  Today is food prep and laundry - luckily food prep is fairly simple this week.

My goals for this week:
No beer.
Stick to planned food
Water aerobics twice
Cross Fit 3 times

I have a counseling appointment Tuesday.  I've decided it's going to be my last one.  It is difficult with my work schedule and with my weight loss support group, I don't feel like I need it.

I hope you have a terrific day.  Take care!

Just a quickie

Headed in to work in a minute.  Totally forgot to post last night.

I've been to Cross Fit the last 2 days (more about that later).  Tonight is water aerobics.  Food is doing okay, beer has been (re)banished.

Stress is nuts, but I'm hanging tough.

Lots of love & take care of yourself! :-)

Doing what works

I don't feel like writing it all down now, but I will say that I have no idea why my husband is being such a jack ass.  He left me, I agreed to his terms.  So what is his problem?  UGH.

I packed my food today, and stuck to it.  Work was busy since I took 2 days off before the holiday, but manageable.  Came home, ate a small snack, and went to Cross Fit.  Had an awesome workout!  Clean and jerks and behind the head strict presses, followed by the metabolic conditioning (metcon): 25 GFD situps, 5 250 M sprints on the rower (90 second rest between), and 25 more situps.

The GFD:

That machine is no joke!

Came home to a lovely shrimp dinner with tomatoes & feta over pasta.  Took a shower and now I am getting ready for my weight loss support call.  I may not have lost weight, but that call has helped keep me from seriously going off the rails.

Anyway, it was a good day, despite crazy man.

Take care - love you guys!

ps Did I mention we didn't have wifi at the cabin - hence no posting!

The weekend

The weekend was nice. It started with my soon to be ex showing up Thursday morning instead of Wednesday after work to dog sit (oh, and he is trying to charge me for taking care of the dogs), and then my coming home to a mess. And it is obvious he didn't really do what he was supposed to as far as the dogs. But the middle part was nice!

Oh, and he was spotted in Cracker Barrel with another woman.

Really.

Lots of thoughts

Last week I spent a lot of time thinking.  Not on the computer, just thinking.  I haven't made any sort of secret about the fact that I am really struggling right now.  Last week I really wanted to just give up.  Not sure what, but I was just kinda done with everything!

Lots of stupid stuff around a car accident (everyone okay, a girl ran a sign & clipped my son).  The parents don't have insurance, we're hoping they will pay up without being taken to court.  And my insurance was going to double even though it wasn't his fault (I switched companies).  It's just been stress, stress, stress.  Not important stuff, just aggravating.

And I'm just tired.  Hence all the thinking.  What it boils down to is this:  how do I want to live?  Not someday, today?  What do I want my life to look like?  What can I do to make now look like that?  if not in all the details, at least in the feelings?

I have a nice weekend visiting friends in Asheville Saturday, and then was sick all day yesterday (throwing up).  Yuck.  I am taking tonight off of exercise and today I stuck to small meals of bland food.   I feel better.

Wednesday we are leaving for Georgia for a long weekend.  I'll be taking my computer, but I don't know what the internet situation will be.

Weight is steady, so that's .. okay.  Not great, but not going in the wrong direction.  Mentally I think I'm going in the right direction, but I expect it will be quite a process.  

A nice day

I woke up motivated to tackle the guest room and work on moving my clothes into the newly cleaned out dresser.  I packed up all the stuff my husband left, took some clothes out of a tub in the guest room, and worked on organizing my sewing stuff in there.

I set aside some items to donate, packed up his things, took a tub of winter clothes and a box of books over to the storage unit.  The room looks SO much better!  It was a fair bit of work, but it's looked like a laundry explosion for a while, and that's the room my son stays in when he is here, so I really wanted to get it tackled!

I took the print I ordered to the shop to have it framed yesterday.  Today I've done laundry, swept, and worked on food prep for myself and my son.  So yes, another busy day, but it's also been a lot of fun hanging out with my mom & son.

I made sweet potato ricotta pancakes this morning and bacon, so that was a nice treat.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

My mom at the beach out at Edisto! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you enjoy your Mother's Day!

It is one of those holidays when I will absolutely not go to a restaurant - they are always so packed.  So mom and I went out to lunch today.  My favorite Mexican placed has closed - what a disappointment!  We tried a new place, it was pretty good.  We took my MIL a take out - she didn't feel up to going with us.  Lately, she feels and looks terrible.  I truly believe years of food abuse have caught up to her.

It's been a very busy day and I am worn out.  I just finished mowing the yard.  Tomorrow I am going to work on my room a bit more, do my food prep, and enjoy my day.

Have a nice weekend!

Absentee blogger

The last couple of nights have been Cross Fit.  Fun, but I'm pooped.  Anyway, doing okay, but I am going to go plop down & read a book! :-)

I'm happy

I decided to take the day off of work.  I had a couple of appointments and some things I wanted to get caught up, so here I am.

I just got home from my counseling appointment and I realized something: I am happy.  We were talking about overeating and the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).  She asked me about angry and I realized I really haven't been angry in the last couple of months except a couple of times (related to my husband).  Most of my anger was stemming from that relationship, and now that I'm not in it, I'm just not angry much.  I thought I was just a person who had a lot of anger - I'm not.  I had a bad marriage. 

I'm happy.  Things aren't perfect, and some things are scary, but I'm happy.  Wow.

Lots of thinking going on

1.  Appointment with the lawyer was fine.  It cost more than I thought (but less than if she didn't go to law school with a good friend of mine).  I don't have paperwork - I have a list of questions/information I need to pull together so she can write up the agreement.  Now, fingers crossed he signs it - it's what we verbally agreed to, so hopefully it won't be an issue.

2.  I got on the scale today for the first time in ... 2 weeks?  3 weeks?  I'm up 1.4 pounds - frankly I can't believe it's not more. Nevertheless, enough of this mess!

3.  I've been thinking a lot and really considering how I wanted to express this.  Here goes:

There are people who are addicted to certain foods (maybe sugar or wheat).  There are people who have specific trigger foods (this is me).  I don't fall into the pit when I eat a small amount of any certain type of food, but certain foods (like pierogies for some weird  reason) I really can't moderate so I don't eat them.

There are people who are emotional eaters (again, me) who may or may not be sugar or wheat addicts.

Then there is a third issue, which is one I also face.  I get an emotional payoff from remaining overweight.  For one, I really don't like change.  I've had so much uncertainty and upheaval and stress over these past few years, and there have been issues I didn't want to face (like the serious marriage issues I've been avoiding since spring of 2011), so emotional eating has remained in high gear. 

Plus I fear change: in many ways I am comfortable being overweight.  I don't have to deal with attention from men.  It makes a wonderful scapegoat for when things don't go your way!  (Didn't get a promotion?  It's your weight!).  If you lose weight, then you have to deal with not only situations that might make you uncomfortable, but hey, if something doesn't go your way, you have to figure out why and not just use your weight as an excuse.

To paraphrase Cpt. James T. Kirk "Some people are very frightened of change."  I am one of those people.  I could spend a lot of time talking about my life experiences that may have contributed to something which is probably an innate personality trait, but at the end of the day, it's part of who I am.  And that is something I am going to have to confront if I want to make changes in my life.

I do want to lose weight, but I also recognize that a lot of me wants to stay safe, hiding behind my fat.  But the desire to change is outweighing the desire to stay the same.  And many of my fears have come to pass:  I'm no longer with the company I was with for over 14 years - I was terrified of that change.  I refused to deal with my marital issues because I knew that meant we would divorce, I knew I couldn't stay with someone for who I had neither respect nor trust, but I was so afraid and sad at the prospect of divorce.  but hey - that's happening too!

In some ways it feels like a terrible time to add another change into the mix, as someone who hates it and is in the midst of so much.  But a part of me realizes this is a time of change, growth, and transformation.  I want to come out the other side a truer version of who I really am.

And that means losing weight.

More to come.