Turn the page

I have spent the past 20 or so years doing what women all around the world do: support and nurture their families.  I’ve provided financially and emotionally, and my efforts have taken care of us and allowed others to pursue goals and dreams.  There have been successes and failures along the way.  And like many women, I have happily allowed my own dreams to take a back seat, believing “my turn” would come.

The past year has brought about a sea change in nearly every aspect of my life, and the next year promises to bring even more.  With change comes opportunity if you are willing to grab it.  I’ve been asking myself lately what dreams I want to pursue.  I don’t have a lot of concrete answers and that’s okay.  But I’ve been yearning to do something epic.

I’ve decided this year I am crossing a big item off my bucket list:  I am making a cross country trip with my son.  Beyond visiting a dear friend in Phoenix, Moab, the Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, the rest is TBD.  We have to work out the itinerary and timeline, but I have reached a point where I am able and ready to make my own goals and dreams a priority.

Maybe a different woman could have done a better job of balancing those dreams of her family with her own.  I guess I’m too much of an “all in” person to have done it that way.  I waited “my turn”, before realizing that you can’t wait, you have you make your turn.

Our cross country trip to see some of the best America has to offer might be the “official” start, but really, the journey is already underway.

TGIF

Guys, it's been as rough a week emotionally as I have had in months.  But the papers are signed, the car titles are transferred.

Blech

Ever feel like you are a salmon trying to swim upriver, but barely holding your own?  The last couple of days I just felt like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life.  While that isn't reality, it's how I feel.  And it stinks feeling that way.

Here is a picture of the food I am packing this week:

That riced cauliflower looks weird. :-)

I know this feeling will pass, I don't like coming here and being a negative nellie, but I guess we all feel that way sometimes!

I had dinner with 2 friends over the weekend, so that was nice.  I'm hanging in here, but the heat is kinda miserable.  It was 98 today.

Take care!

Define "salad"

I just finished my food prep for the week.  Yay!  I made myself a different variation of salad that I haven't made in a while, and I got to thinking about salad.  Some bloggers say they don't like salad.  That may be true, but I also think a lot of people have a pretty narrow definition.

My salads that I pack for lunch never include lettuce or spinach or anything like that - they just don't hold up well. This salad is no exception to that rule.  I'll give you the base and today's version, but you can take this salad in any flavor direction you'd like.

Cauliflower salad

Rice a head of cauliflower in the food processor  (after that there are no rules!)
Today's included
grilled chicken
a can of black beans
cilantro
green onions (red are good too)
I could have put roasted corn but didn't have any
chili and garlic powder
lime juice
salt
an english cucumber, diced

This will keep in the fridge all week.  Every night before I pack some for lunch I plan to add:
diced tomato and avocado

As you can imagine the portions are quite large and low in calories and carbs, but an excellent source of good fats & protein.

It's super hot here today.  I went for a walk in the park and am spending today inside.  I miss you, spring!

Hope you have a good day!

And .... moving on

So, here's the thing: In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.  We've been separated for 3 months, so 9 more to go.  You can do it one of 2 ways: you can get a legal separation agreement at any point in that year, or you can wait to quibble over shit until the end and drag it out.  We already have a verbal agreement, I want to get it in writing.  But husband is the kind to do any and everything in order to avoid anything "unpleasant". 

He had planned to come down here this weekend to help his mom with some stuff, but when that became unnecessary, I think he decided "why bother"? Although he has to register son's car by the end of the month or sign it over to me, so I do think he will likely come next weekend as that is his last possible chance to avoid shelling out for the car.  But once he signs, he also loses his ability to say "If you don't do xyz, then I will xyz."  And yeah, extortion is one of the tools in his arsenal to get his way.

SO.

Had a bit of a pity party last night, then got up this morning and went to the gym.  Food is planned and purchased, and will be prepped tomorrow.  I've applied for the open position on our team, balanced my checkbook, and done some housework.  Tonight I am having dinner with a girlfriend.  Tomorrow is more Cinderella work (laundry and cooking) plus maybe a walk in the park. 

So, yeah, pretty disappointed but not surprised.

Have a good day!

ugh

Guess who backed out of signing the papers?  Ugh.  Back tomorrow.

I got nothing

Stressed.

Started watching "Grace and Frankie" on netflix.  It's pretty cute.  Work was okay, have some nice plans with friends for the weekend, plus some down time.  Just looking forward to getting this done.  Will report in tomorrow night.

Good night!

We shall see

The good:  Husband claims he will meet me Friday afternoon around 3 or 3:30.  We'll see if he actually signs the separation agreement.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  So that could be good!

The "bad":  Cross Fit.  Okay, it wasn't bad, but it was HARD.  Very tough partner workout.

The ugly:  I think a while back I mentioned our good family friend (they used to live next door and I babysat for their son).  His wife is mom's best friend and he was a finance professor and my mentor in grad school.  He was diagnosed with cancer, which they treated.  It is back and it is everywhere.  The situation is just awful.  She came over to cry on mom's shoulder - I headed out early to the gym so they could talk.  I just feel so terrible.

Day was typical; ate my packed food, came home, went to the gym, ate supper.  Need to take a shower and pack my food for tomorrow.

That's all I got.

Anxiety

So, this week I am waiting with baited breath to see if my husband will actually sign the separation agreement on Friday.  Cross your fingers for me!

This week is okay.  It's hot, I went to Cross Fit and it was a sweatfest, but I loved it.  I need to go shower and pack my food before my 8 PM weight loss support group conference call.

I leave you with this thought:

Sunny Sunday

Good morning.  Got a great night of sleep last night, but for some reason I woke up at 6 and I was awake.  Ugh - my chance to sleep in, denied! :-O

I got up and went to the park for an early morning walk which was very nice.  I've been to Costco, almost finished with food prep, and mostly done with laundry.

The big activity for this afternoon is washing the dogs.  Jordan is pretty easy, but Mya hates getting a bath, and she's big, and very strong.  Luckily it isn't a frequent occurrence!

Yesterday I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2" on netflix streaming.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

Not much else to say.  Looking forward to a low key day before I go back to work.  Have a good day!

Crazytown

So, about yesterday.  Hub called his mom and asked her to call my mom to see if my mom would meet him at the back Friday so he could sign the car over to me.  Uh, WTF!?!  So, why is he trying so hard to avoid me?  Anyway, I told him that he would need to meet me because I was the one who would be getting the car, not my mom.  Dumba$$.  And we could sign the separation agreement at the same time.

He made a few asinine statements, but so far seems amenable to this plan.  We shall see.

I don't understand why he is trying so hard to avoid me, I'm like, let's just get it done and move on, but he would rather delay & avoid.  What a coward.  Moving on....

Had an amazing Cross Fit workout this morning.  Here is what was written:

400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 cleans
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)

It was a partner workout so you only do half the exercises in between - we traded off with sets of 5.  Since I don't run we did a 300 m row instead.  It took us around 22 minutes.  Not too shabby, but boy was I whipped!  I was proud of th epace we were able to maintain and having a partner pushed me.

I came home & had a steak & tomato omelet.  I am going to take a shower and then start on chores - the usual cleaning, shopping, food prep, plus dog washing! :-)

Anyway, just needed to vent yesterday.  One trait about my ex that drove me nuts was the way he would do just about anything (including lie) in order to avoid something unpleasant.  I'm a rip off the bandage kinda girl.  I'd rather be done with it so I can move on.

Okay, have a great weekend!

Head exploded

So, my not soon enough ex is being a jerk.  Head explodes.  You left me, I gave you everything you asked for, what's up with your douchery???

The end.

Sleepy girl!

I have no idea who has been slipping me sleeping pills!  I have been SO tired lately.  I came home and took a nap (again today) then ate supper, then went to water aerobics.

I don't know why I've been so tired lately, but I've taken a nap every day after work.  I've done water aerobics twice, did Cross Fit last night, and plan to do Cross Fit again Friday and Saturday.

In any case, other than a small bag of chips (200 calories) that I gave in to at work today (it was my long day - 10 hours - and I was tired), food has been on plan and exercise has been really good.

Okay, my son is visiting so I'm gonna get off the computer.

Good night!

Wednesday

My reaction when a friend had to shut down her blog.  Most uncool.

My day was nice - had lunch with a good friend which was a treat.  Ate planned food, went to Cross Fit, then had a yummy dinner (salmon patties, baked fries, roasted okra).

I am very proud of myself! My feelings about Cross Fit have been mixed - I love the weight lifting part, but the conditioning work is pretty brutal and I dread it because I'm not in good condition.  Tonight's metcon included multiple 800 meter runs.  I asked how long to row as a substitute and did that instead.  I am proud of myself.  I didn't make excuses, just asked, rowed that distance instead, and moved on.  It was still very hard, but it didn't feel overwhelming.  So yay for sticking up for what is right for my body!

Ex is going to have to go in to the DMV and register the car.  I texted him and he said okay.  So done.  Moving on from that.

I hope you had a great day and enjoy your evening.  Take care!

I don't always want to feel my feelings

First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments.  You are right - my feelings are appropriate, and I am thankful I didn't buy a car with an accident I didn't know about!

Last night I came home, ate, and went to water aerobics.  Then I had a snack when I got home, watched an episode of "Eureka" and went to bed.

This morning I went online to update the registration for my car and my son's.  Mine was no issue.  Son's car is in my husband's name, and since he changed his address I couldn't do it online.  I was SO annoyed.  My feelings were out of proportion to what happened.  In any case, my son can go Friday and see if he can do it in person.  If not, ex will have to deal with it.  I sent him a text and let him know.  Ugh.

I'm resentful that for 13 years I supported him, made sure he had health insurance (and took car of himself), and now he is perfectly willing to leave us without health insurance.  And threaten to take half my retirement fund.  So when stuff like this morning happens, I get livid.  So yeah, I am angry and resentful.

There are times I really don't want to feel my feelings - they just feel like too much.  I just keep plugging away at the little issues, knowing that only time & distance will help.

I planned to go to Cross Fit, but I came home for a short nap and didn't wake up.  Dinner is eaten, food for tomorrow is packed.  So I guess today is a rest day.  Tomorrow is Cross Fit.

Take care!

Feeling my feelings

I am going to write this.  I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but this is how I am feeling and I want to write it down, partly so I can let it go.

I think I mentioned that a colleague was going to sell her car and buy a minivan. I was hoping to buy it - it's 1 year newer, has 25K less miles, and has cruise control (the main point).  Well, she traded it when she got a new car this weekend.  Turns out it had been in an accident before she bought it and that wasn't disclosed, so she didn't want to sell it to anyone.

I don't blame her, but I am disappointed.  And I am also feeling resentful that my ex went out and bought a car the day after he left me.  And I still have my old car.  My only complaint about my car is that it doesn't have cruise control.  Other than that I am happy.  And could I go buy a car?  Of course! But I am trying to be fiscally responsible since my contract is up in October and I don't know what I'll be doing after that.  And I don't know when my house is going to sell.

So, disappointed and resentful.  Eh, those are my feelings.  I'm not letting it ruin anything, nor have I turned to food.  I am going to read, have a nice dinner, and then go to water aerobics.

Take care.

Sunday

Last night I met up with 2 girlfriends for dinner and had a great time!  Today I am feeling MUCH better - still a tad sniffly, but nearly 100%.

More importantly, I am feeling a renewed sense of purpose.

I got up at 7 and began food prep for the day.  I've made 2 turkey casseroles, cooked my breakfast and lunch stuff as well as most of my son's.  I need to do my laundry and sweep my room. 

Mentally I feel much better today.

Food for the week:

Breakfast: salisbury steak made with ground turkey and green beans
Snack: hummus & carrots
Lunch: salad made with turkey, roasted zucchini, cucumber, tomato, and homemade vinegarette
Snack: fruit & 12 almonds
Dinner: various
Snack: 1 slice ultra thin rye & 3 pieces of salami

I hope you enjoy your day!

Get the funk out

I have really been in a funk, and then I got sick.  The last (month?) has just been ... blah.  I know that's normal and okay, I've basically kept my head above water, but that's about it.  I've gone to work and done the things I NEEDED to do, but that's about it.  There's just not much left over.  I know this won't be forever, and it's just a mood, not reality.  (Does that make sense?).  I'm getting out, connecting with friends, blah blah.  Things could be a lot better on the food & exercise front, but I haven't been ready to tackle that.  But .. I can feel that I am close to being ready again.

I haven't had a lot to say, honestly I haven't even had a lot of thoughts.  I just feel kinda like I'm swimming through an empty spot.  It just ... is. But things aren't bad either.  And you know what, they'll be good. :-)

Take care.

Sick :-(

I'm okay.  I have a summer cold and feel pretty miserable.  I called in sick, but then went in later.  I just got caught up from taking time off, I didn't want to all behind again.

Still hiding in a book. Not working out as I feel like poo.  On the plus side, I have NO appetite.

Top of the week

Good morning.

It was kind of a weird week.  I've been feeling "off" emotionally.  Dealing with the car accident stuff, frustrated by husband not signing the separation papers, etc. has just left me feeling wiped.  Went to Cross Fit twice, but other than that came home & crawled into a book.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends over in Raleigh which was a lot of fun.  Today is food prep and laundry - luckily food prep is fairly simple this week.

My goals for this week:
No beer.
Stick to planned food
Water aerobics twice
Cross Fit 3 times

I have a counseling appointment Tuesday.  I've decided it's going to be my last one.  It is difficult with my work schedule and with my weight loss support group, I don't feel like I need it.

I hope you have a terrific day.  Take care!

Just a quickie

Headed in to work in a minute.  Totally forgot to post last night.

I've been to Cross Fit the last 2 days (more about that later).  Tonight is water aerobics.  Food is doing okay, beer has been (re)banished.

Stress is nuts, but I'm hanging tough.

Lots of love & take care of yourself! :-)

Doing what works

I don't feel like writing it all down now, but I will say that I have no idea why my husband is being such a jack ass.  He left me, I agreed to his terms.  So what is his problem?  UGH.

I packed my food today, and stuck to it.  Work was busy since I took 2 days off before the holiday, but manageable.  Came home, ate a small snack, and went to Cross Fit.  Had an awesome workout!  Clean and jerks and behind the head strict presses, followed by the metabolic conditioning (metcon): 25 GFD situps, 5 250 M sprints on the rower (90 second rest between), and 25 more situps.

The GFD:

That machine is no joke!

Came home to a lovely shrimp dinner with tomatoes & feta over pasta.  Took a shower and now I am getting ready for my weight loss support call.  I may not have lost weight, but that call has helped keep me from seriously going off the rails.

Anyway, it was a good day, despite crazy man.

Take care - love you guys!

ps Did I mention we didn't have wifi at the cabin - hence no posting!

The weekend

The weekend was nice. It started with my soon to be ex showing up Thursday morning instead of Wednesday after work to dog sit (oh, and he is trying to charge me for taking care of the dogs), and then my coming home to a mess. And it is obvious he didn't really do what he was supposed to as far as the dogs. But the middle part was nice!

Oh, and he was spotted in Cracker Barrel with another woman.

Really.

Lots of thoughts

Last week I spent a lot of time thinking.  Not on the computer, just thinking.  I haven't made any sort of secret about the fact that I am really struggling right now.  Last week I really wanted to just give up.  Not sure what, but I was just kinda done with everything!

Lots of stupid stuff around a car accident (everyone okay, a girl ran a sign & clipped my son).  The parents don't have insurance, we're hoping they will pay up without being taken to court.  And my insurance was going to double even though it wasn't his fault (I switched companies).  It's just been stress, stress, stress.  Not important stuff, just aggravating.

And I'm just tired.  Hence all the thinking.  What it boils down to is this:  how do I want to live?  Not someday, today?  What do I want my life to look like?  What can I do to make now look like that?  if not in all the details, at least in the feelings?

I have a nice weekend visiting friends in Asheville Saturday, and then was sick all day yesterday (throwing up).  Yuck.  I am taking tonight off of exercise and today I stuck to small meals of bland food.   I feel better.

Wednesday we are leaving for Georgia for a long weekend.  I'll be taking my computer, but I don't know what the internet situation will be.

Weight is steady, so that's .. okay.  Not great, but not going in the wrong direction.  Mentally I think I'm going in the right direction, but I expect it will be quite a process.  

A nice day

I woke up motivated to tackle the guest room and work on moving my clothes into the newly cleaned out dresser.  I packed up all the stuff my husband left, took some clothes out of a tub in the guest room, and worked on organizing my sewing stuff in there.

I set aside some items to donate, packed up his things, took a tub of winter clothes and a box of books over to the storage unit.  The room looks SO much better!  It was a fair bit of work, but it's looked like a laundry explosion for a while, and that's the room my son stays in when he is here, so I really wanted to get it tackled!

I took the print I ordered to the shop to have it framed yesterday.  Today I've done laundry, swept, and worked on food prep for myself and my son.  So yes, another busy day, but it's also been a lot of fun hanging out with my mom & son.

I made sweet potato ricotta pancakes this morning and bacon, so that was a nice treat.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

My mom at the beach out at Edisto! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you enjoy your Mother's Day!

It is one of those holidays when I will absolutely not go to a restaurant - they are always so packed.  So mom and I went out to lunch today.  My favorite Mexican placed has closed - what a disappointment!  We tried a new place, it was pretty good.  We took my MIL a take out - she didn't feel up to going with us.  Lately, she feels and looks terrible.  I truly believe years of food abuse have caught up to her.

It's been a very busy day and I am worn out.  I just finished mowing the yard.  Tomorrow I am going to work on my room a bit more, do my food prep, and enjoy my day.

Have a nice weekend!

Absentee blogger

The last couple of nights have been Cross Fit.  Fun, but I'm pooped.  Anyway, doing okay, but I am going to go plop down & read a book! :-)

I'm happy

I decided to take the day off of work.  I had a couple of appointments and some things I wanted to get caught up, so here I am.

I just got home from my counseling appointment and I realized something: I am happy.  We were talking about overeating and the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).  She asked me about angry and I realized I really haven't been angry in the last couple of months except a couple of times (related to my husband).  Most of my anger was stemming from that relationship, and now that I'm not in it, I'm just not angry much.  I thought I was just a person who had a lot of anger - I'm not.  I had a bad marriage. 

I'm happy.  Things aren't perfect, and some things are scary, but I'm happy.  Wow.

Lots of thinking going on

1.  Appointment with the lawyer was fine.  It cost more than I thought (but less than if she didn't go to law school with a good friend of mine).  I don't have paperwork - I have a list of questions/information I need to pull together so she can write up the agreement.  Now, fingers crossed he signs it - it's what we verbally agreed to, so hopefully it won't be an issue.

2.  I got on the scale today for the first time in ... 2 weeks?  3 weeks?  I'm up 1.4 pounds - frankly I can't believe it's not more. Nevertheless, enough of this mess!

3.  I've been thinking a lot and really considering how I wanted to express this.  Here goes:

There are people who are addicted to certain foods (maybe sugar or wheat).  There are people who have specific trigger foods (this is me).  I don't fall into the pit when I eat a small amount of any certain type of food, but certain foods (like pierogies for some weird  reason) I really can't moderate so I don't eat them.

There are people who are emotional eaters (again, me) who may or may not be sugar or wheat addicts.

Then there is a third issue, which is one I also face.  I get an emotional payoff from remaining overweight.  For one, I really don't like change.  I've had so much uncertainty and upheaval and stress over these past few years, and there have been issues I didn't want to face (like the serious marriage issues I've been avoiding since spring of 2011), so emotional eating has remained in high gear. 

Plus I fear change: in many ways I am comfortable being overweight.  I don't have to deal with attention from men.  It makes a wonderful scapegoat for when things don't go your way!  (Didn't get a promotion?  It's your weight!).  If you lose weight, then you have to deal with not only situations that might make you uncomfortable, but hey, if something doesn't go your way, you have to figure out why and not just use your weight as an excuse.

To paraphrase Cpt. James T. Kirk "Some people are very frightened of change."  I am one of those people.  I could spend a lot of time talking about my life experiences that may have contributed to something which is probably an innate personality trait, but at the end of the day, it's part of who I am.  And that is something I am going to have to confront if I want to make changes in my life.

I do want to lose weight, but I also recognize that a lot of me wants to stay safe, hiding behind my fat.  But the desire to change is outweighing the desire to stay the same.  And many of my fears have come to pass:  I'm no longer with the company I was with for over 14 years - I was terrified of that change.  I refused to deal with my marital issues because I knew that meant we would divorce, I knew I couldn't stay with someone for who I had neither respect nor trust, but I was so afraid and sad at the prospect of divorce.  but hey - that's happening too!

In some ways it feels like a terrible time to add another change into the mix, as someone who hates it and is in the midst of so much.  But a part of me realizes this is a time of change, growth, and transformation.  I want to come out the other side a truer version of who I really am.

And that means losing weight.

More to come.

Insert title here

Today was a pretty good day - work was busy but good, Cross Fit was hard but fun.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with an attorney to draw up a legal separation agreement.  I'm pretty sad.  I mean, I know I'll feel better when that's tackled but still, it's sad.

That's all I got tonight.

Take care.

Oh hello!

Got busy hanging with my son & doing stuff around the house & forgot to post yesterday!

It was a fine day, even though it was rainy all weekend.  I took yesterday off from exercise.  Instead I worked on organizing my room, hanging art & curtains, etc.  I need to to do some organizing, & get my husband's stuff together so he can take it when he comes to dog sit.  But I got a lot done and it looks SO much better.

I hope you have a nice evening!

Hurray for the weekend!

Happy weekend! I went to Cross Fit this morning. Wednesdays & Saturdays we do Olympic lifts - today we did clean & jerk. It was such an awesome class! Food is planned, errands are run, and I plan to alternate relaxing and knocking a few things off my to do list.

Turns out hub had already taken himself off the 2 bank accounts - and hadn't told me.  Which is fine, but you could have let me know?  (See what I mean?).  Oh well, that's taken care of!

I plan to hang my new curtains and work on getting my clothes sorted & organized better now that I have both dressers.  Maybe watch a movie.  My son is on his way down, so that'll be nice too.

I hope you enjoy your weekend!

Another one of those days, but it's done!

Last couple of days have been difficult. I went by the bank this afternoon. For some reason, my husband's debit card transactions were posting to MY checking account. WTF!??!! They got it straightened out, but the whole 2 day mess was made worse by the fact that he didn't communicate with me, just ignored my attempts to communicate with him. A behavior which makes me NUTS!!!!

One thing I'd gradually forgotten since we've separated is how stressed and crazy it makes me when he avoids dealing with stuff he doesn't want to. I'm not perfect (FAR from it), but not talking about or dealing with stuff (especially business type things) is foolish. And frustrating when you are trying to and your spouse is avoiding.

I have not totally stuck to my plan, but I haven't gone off the rails either. I have a solid plan in place for the weekend. Plenty of stuff on my to do list, but it includes fun things (hanging new curtains!) and exercise as well. And to RELAX!

I wish I were doing better, but I'm doing okay.  And maybe right now just doing okay is ... okay.

Take care!

One of THOSE days

Ever have one of those days?  You wake up on the wrong side of the bed and it goes downhill from there?  Nothing major, just a non ending parade of annoyances.  Like being nibbled to death by cats.....  yeah, I had that day.

I woke up from an anxiety dream.  I checked my bank account and my (soon to be former) husband took money out of the account.  (We have separate accounts).  I think it was an accident, but I'd like my money back and you know he won't answer my calls!

Pinched the crap out of my thumb on the lawn mower.  Mowed the grass instead of going to water aerobics since it's supposed to rain this weekend.  Really, just bloody shoot me, or knock me out until tomorrow.....  Grrr......

A good day

Today was a long day at work, but it was a good day.  It's the last night of the class at my friend's church and I am headed out in just a couple of minutes.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm okay!

Hello

Hey there!

I came home yesterday and went to Cross Fit.  Class was tough but fun.  We partnered up and took turns doing a round of exercise (5 pullups, assisted for me, 10 push ups, and 15 squats) - then you rested while your partner worked.  We did that for 30 minutes.  We completed 16 rounds.  I'm pretty sore today!

Rather than spending time online, I opted to watch a movie last night ("Big Eyes" - it was very good!).  But eating was fine.

Today I opted for a rest day and went to the Y to use the hot tub and sauna.  Very nice. :-)

Food this week is lasagna soup, sweet potato, taco salad, and strawberries.  Dinner varies.

I am grateful that I have the luxury of an upgraded Y membership so I can use the one downtown as well with the hot tub and sauna (my regular Y doesn't have that!).

I am also grateful for how beautiful spring is in NC.  We have one of the highest pollen counts in the country right now, but gosh the azaleas and dogwoods are gorgeous!

Happy birthday to me!

Good morning.

Sorry for the absence, it's been a hectic week and I've felt like poop.  Yesterday I sat and cried, which helped.  First birthday since 2000 without my husband.  There are going to be a lot of these "firsts" this year.

I got up at 7, made breakfast, and started doing food prep.  Hey, it may be my birthday, but I've still gotta eat this week! :-)

Today I am rearranging the furniture in the bedroom.  Painting is done, today is furniture, next weekend is new curtains & art (the finishing touches).  I was hoping to get it finished by my birthday but hey, it's not a huge deal.  I'll get it done.

Yeah, it's been an emotional week and I haven't done really great.  I had a serious talk with myself this morning.  My gift to myself is to commit to 1 week of doing the very best I can for myself.  Taking my supplements, flossing, watching what I eat.  You know, the things you should do every day.  And I do a lot of them no problem, but others I let slide.  That regime will include starting the day with a mug of hot lemon water and ending the day with 2 tablespoons of Bragg's apple cider vinegar.  I'm hoping one week of intense focus will help me get back on track I was on.

Take care & enjoy your day!

Busy

Yesterday was a pretty busy day.  I got my "have to do" list done, and one thing done on my "want to do" list (got the car washed).  I was super busy all day and definitely did not feel rested come the evening!  I sat down and started to over snack without even noticing!  Luckily I realized what was happening and stopped.

I was at work for 10 hours today - I have a counseling appointment tomorrow morning so I wanted to work extra today.  I stayed busy all day, but not overwhelmed busy.  So that was good.

Pictures of today's food (this is what I am packing this week):

Breakfast:  a ground turkey patty made with greek seasonings, feta and spinach.  Served with cucumber, tomatoes, and homemade tsaziki.

AM snack - piece of a small sweet potato.  Plain.

My pictures of lunch and afternoon snack didn't come through. :-(

Lunch was the cheeseburger salad - seasoned ground meat over greens and brussel sprouts with some shredded cheese and chopped pickle.

Afternoon snack was grapes and 12 almonds.

Dinner was chicken casserole and more brussel sprouts.

Boring, but that's what I'm eating this week (dinner will vary).

Going to water aerobics tonight.  Have a good evening!

pooped

Still a bit on the crabby side today, but I was kept very busy with chores, so no time to sulk or overeat! *lol*

Hope you had a terrific weekend!

Big hugs! :-)

The Graduate

First the good news:  I graduated! :-)  I think I mentioned that at my Cross Fit gym, before you can attend regular classes you have to complete 6 weeks of individual assessment and coaching with the owner.  That is to ensure that you are doing things correctly, with the proper weight.  Today was my final Olympic lift: the snatch:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfLV0MnRVZM (It's harder than it looks!)

After class he pronounced me ready to attend classes! :-)

Next, the mediocre news:  weight stayed the same this week.  :-\  No gain, but no loss.

Finally, the bad news;  I totally overate last night.  I KNEW I could text someone in the support group for support, or go online to the group and reach out.  But I didn't.  You know why?  Because I WANTED to overeat.  Le sigh.

Right now I am very frustrated with my estranged "husband."  For one he said he would take care of the dogs while my mom and I go down to to Georgia, and now he's saying he isn't sure.  Yeah, thanks Mr. Dependable.  It's not like visiting my 95 year old great aunt is .. oh .. important or anything.  God forbid you should miss some beauty rest, jack ass.

And then there's vacation.  As you may or may not know (depending oh how long you've been reading), we belong to a medieval recreation group.  Every year we go to a huge event up in western Pennsylvania.  It's a lot of fun, but it's also an opportunity to see people we may only see every couple of years.  A lot of our friends come over from Australia/New Zealand and only come every 2-3 years.  We also have friends from all over the country and that's the only time we see them.

So I definitely want to go.  Haven't worked out my tent situation.  Haven't worked out how I am getting there or back.  Sure it is going to be uncomfortable since we will be in the same camp.  Le sigh.  It's stuff like this that makes this whole thing suck. 

Anyway, I'm in a pissy mood.  I'm feeling anxiety over both trips.

Today I am going to finish painting my room.

Take care & I'll work on it too.

No water aerobics

We are have severe thunderstorms, so no water aerobics for me. :-(

Today was fine.  Meals for next week planned, grocery list made.  This weekend I am going to finish painting my bedroom.  Also, I have my final orientation session at the Cross Fit gym - more Olympic lifting - yay!

My grandpuppy is getting very cranky at her enforced, post surgery, confinement.  She snapped at one of the other dogs tonight.  Not good.

Okay, turning off computer.  Good night! :-)

Food, a recipe idea, and more of "the plan"

So, food this week:

Breakfast: chicken & zucchini with homemade curry sauce. (Welcome to my weird)
AM snack: 1/2 sweet potato
Lunch: chicken, tomato, cucumber, and roasted green beans with salad dressing
PM snack: banana & 12 almonds

I found a great idea of a lunch salad over at emilybites.com - a cheeseburger salad.  I love to take a flavor I love (like a cheeseburger) and turn it into a healthy meal.  Yum!  That's lunches for next week!

I talked to my girlfriend in Berkley.  Once my contract ends, the plan is to visit my friend in Phoenix - we are looking at hitting Sedona, Grand Canyon, and as many of the national parks in Utah as we can squeeze in.  Then I will fly on to Berkley.  L asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite.  DUH - YES!  She's never been and neither has her boyfriend.  It's only 3 hours from Berkley. 

This October/November is really shaping up to be a dream trip.  I am SO excited.  I'm nervous - so many things are changing/ happening in my life.  And like most 3 year olds, I don't like change! :-)  But whoa, this little idea of mine is turning into the trip of a lifetime!

I think I mentioned that I was joining Sean's 10 week weight loss support group.  I am so excited.  I really need the extra support.  There just isn't anyone in my "real" life that gets my weight struggle.  So often I'm fine all day, but when I get home I'm tired - and that's when it goes to pieces.  I'm tired and just don't have the energy (or whatever) to stay the course and I cave.  My weight has been stalled.  I'm thankful I haven't gained with everything that has been going on, but success in this area will go a long way to helping me in ALL areas.

Okay, tonight it the 7th (of 12) of the classes at my friend's church on reading the Bible critically (or analytically if you prefer).  It's been interesting - glad I signed up.

Okay, going to read a few minutes before I head to class.

Take care!

Getting my whine on

I had a good day at work - busy, but got a lot accomplished.

So why did I get cranky when I got home?  Ridiculous!  Having a burger for dinner, then going to pack my breakfast & lunch for tomorrow, then off to water aerobics - which I am looking forward to!

it's so annoying when you have a feeling for apparently no logical reason!  Okay, I'm done being grumpy!  I'm going to go pack my food right now so I can feel accomplished again!

Have a good evening!

The beginnings of a plan

I told you one thing the counselor asked me was to make a bucket list - including (relatively) short term.

I have a friend in Phoenix and friends in Berkley.  I really haven't traveled much out west.  Today I called my friend in Phoenix and asked about going out there when my contract is up and maybe doing some hiking in the national parks.  We are working on a plan and I am so excited!

My plan is to take some time off work between contracts and connect with some friends and see some of the country I haven't seen before.  I'll have the money and the time. 

For so many years things felt so much like I was giving and my husband was taking.  When I needed him to be there for me - he wasn't.  Now I'm trying to figure out what I like and what I want to do - something I haven't considered for a long, long time.

It's weird and scary and exciting.

Take care!

A good day

This morning at the Cross Fit gym we worked on Olympic lifts.  Halfway through the session the coach says "You have really found your niche."  That is true - I LOVE strength training. 

The gym I've found is not your stereotypical Cross fit gym.  4 days a week they do typical cross fits workouts, and 2 days a week are specifically devoted to Olympic lifting.  This just feels like a good place for me.  I hope I like the actual classes as much as I've enjoyed the learning sessions!

After that breakfast then off to the class at my friend's church.  Then lunch, nap and now chores.  It's gorgeous here today.  The windows are open and the air smells so good.

Belews puppy thankfully is kinda dopey from the pain meds.  Poop thing is confined to the length of a leash and has to be walked outside. :-(  It's gonna be a long recovery - for everyone!

Tomorrow is church class again & doing my mom's taxes.  Yeah, you wish you were me! *lol*  And of course some outdoor time in the park!

Enjoy your weekend!!

Home

Grandpuppy is home.

Last night I overate.  I was tired, lonely, & sad.  It would be nice if I had an accountability partner that I could reach out to in times like that.  I have friends, but no one that really "gets it" when it comes to my food issues.

I'm working on it.

Okie dokie

Today was my long day at work (10 hours) to make up time for going in late due to my counseling appointment.  Came home, ate, and sat down.  Running a little low on the energy.

Grandpuppy came through surgery fine - she is staying overnight for observation and will be home tomorrow.

Food has been fine.  Exercise hasn't happened.  I saw this today and laughed and laughed, so I leave you with this:

Spring is springing

Well, it's really pretty around here.  The bradford pears are starting to bloom - they are always the first of the season, but the dogwoods and azaleas aren't far behind.  I remember when I was in the Army, a friend came home on leave with me.  He was from Michigan and couldn't get over how green and gorgeous NC is in the spring time.  It really is special.

My day was fine - busy at work.  Came home and ran out to buy dog food, quick 20 minute nap, then dinner & a shower before my "church class".

One of the things I know I have to face is my 3-fold fear around losing weight: The fear that I'm not worthy of that level of self care and health, the fear of giving up my comfort foods, and the fear of attention from men when I do lose weight.  Physically losing the weight is probably the easiest part - it's all this other stuff!

I plan to join Sean's next 10 week weight loss support group conference call - I'm hoping that will help me face some of these fears head on.  Living life to its fullest should not be a cause for anxiety - it should be exciting and wonderful.  Isn't it sad how common my fears are amongst folks desiring to lose weight?

I hope you have a wonderful evening - take care! :-)

Quick update

Long day at work and I'm pooped.  Signed up for water aerobics for April. :-)

Had a good session with the counselor.  My homework is to make a bucket list - both long and near term.  I haven't spent a lot of time of thinking about things I want to do, so it'll be an interesting.

Sorry I don't have a lot to say.  But I'm still here. :-)

Take care.

Can we not catch a break?

My grandpuppy tore her ACL yesterday.  Surgery is $3600.  Can we not catch a financial break in this family???  Please!?!?

Got 2 walls painted (that was my plan).  I'll paint the other 2 walls next weekend.  Went to class at my friend's church this morning, cooked, ran a couple of errands with my son, enjoyed the pretty day.  Cold, but pretty.

Can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I may take a day off next month near my birthday.  We'll see.

Take care & enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Holy frijole!

I don't mean to go so long between posting.  I just come home and either go to my class at my friend's church or read a book - I don't spend a lot of time at the computer!

I gained 1.8 pounds this week.  Yeah.  Time to cut beer & diet pepsi out of the diet.  Again.  Le sigh.

Cross Fit workout this morning was excellent We did bench press and some variations.  And squat and front raise.  And worked on pull ups.  My jump rope is getting better.

I plan to start painting my room today.

I still feel sad, but I'm doing the basics - cooking, eating, sleeping, going to work.  I guess for 3 weeks out that's pretty good.

Take care.

Better news

Took the car to my friend's mechanic.  It's going to be about half what the other place told us, so that's very good news!

My mood is just very "blah" this week.  I guess that's to be expected.  I don't like it, but I guess that's perfectly normal, all things considered.

Went & bought paint for room.  Weather isn't going to be great, but I plan to start painting this weekend.  Starting the class through my friend's church tonight.  It's less about the class (although I hope it will be good) and more about getting out of the house.

Anyway, I keep trudging forward.  I want to do more, I need to do more, I feel like many things are in a holding pattern.  But I'm not quite to a place where I can take action.  Well, I'm not going backward!

Take care. 

Eh

So, we took my son's car in to the shop.  It needs work - a lot of it.  Enough that we're not sure yet whether it's worth doing. :-(

We paid $4000 for the car last spring and it's had overheating problems.  We've taken it in a couple of times, but yesterday the place said they think the head gasket is warped. ??  We took it today to a friend's trusted mechanic for a 2nd valuation and some advice.  I can't afford to throw away a car.  I can't afford a new (used) one.  Heck, it'll be tight to get it fixed - if it's worth it. :-(

Really??? 

Thanks, and busy day

First of all, I want to say thanks to all of you that are taking time to comment.  Everyone appreciates comments, but now they are particularly meaningful as the extra amount of support and friendship really means a lot.

Last night the boy got home, announced that he had been eating "like a refugee" and proceeded to eat 2 HUGE burritos and all the trimmings, followed by a couple of snack size Snickers while we warmed up a couple of slices of pecan pie left over from his birthday.

This morning he and I met a friend for breakfast at a local country breakfast place.  He actually brought some food home - I was amazed. It was a terrific visit, and now I'm busy food prepping for my bottomless pit! :-)

He and mom rode down to the coast to check on his boat and pick up some stuff.  I've been left in charge of food prep.  So between my food for the week, a couple of dinners, and his food it's an all day thing!  But that's okay, I'm listening to tv, taking breaks as needed, and I have the windows open!

I hope you have a good day.

Take care!

Not what I wanted, but exactly what I needed

Hey there.

I didn't mean to go so long between posts, I've just been kinda "blah" this week.  I was down 1.6 pounds (I have no idea how).  Sleep has been gradually improving, but my energy has felt low.

Last night was kinda the pinnacle - I was beaten down, tired, and .. tired.  I decided I was NOT going to Cross Fit this morning and I set my alarm for 7:15 to call in sick (my session starts at 7:30).  I woke up at 6 and drowsed until 6:45.  I felt pretty good.  I got up and ate a light snack - and felt pretty good.  I drove to the gym, muttering about turning around until there it was and I turned in.

I didn't want to go.  I felt so far out of my comfort zone.  You know what happened, right?  I had a wonderful workout.  I did dead lifts - and blew them away.  I learned front squats - and blew them away.  I learned thrusters (a sort of front squat followed by a press) and those went well.  I did a conditioning assessment - 500 m row, 25 thrusters, 10 ring pull ups (assisted).  The trainer said I did really well.  Oh, and he gave me a t-shirt for getting my first stitches. :-)

Today I am cleaning, getting my paint stuff together, and doing food prep.  I feel better than I have all week.

My son is coming home tonight and then either driving on to the coast or spending the night and heading out tomorrow.  So that'll be nice.

It's a sunny day.  Tomorrow I plan to take a walk in the park, meet a friend for breakfast, and continue on with chores.  I hope you have a great weekend!

Take care.

Too pooped to pop

I'm tired y'all.

My counseling session was an intake interview, so a lot of questions about history, what brought me in, what I want to get out of counseling - that sort of thing.  I have another session in 2 weeks.  I figure every 2 weeks is a pretty good frequency.

My stitches are tender today, which I guess isn't surprising.  I think I didn't sleep well - I wasn't up or anything, but I suspect I kind of woke myself up when I would bonk it.  I'm really tired today and came home and immediately took a nap.  Highly unusual!

Tomorrow is a long day at work.  Mostly I'm just looking forward to the weekend.  not sure if I will start painting or just start getting stuff together.  We'll see.

Anyway, I'm tired but doing okay.  Take care.

Not much

I'm pretty pooped - it was a long day at work.

Tomorrow I have my first counseling session and I get stitches.  Plus, you  know, work.

Anyway, here is a link I thought I would share for some really great food ideas:  http://news.distractify.com/beth-buczynski/the-ol-switcheroo/?ts_pid=2

Take care!

What an interesting weekend

You guys, I really had a moment yesterday.

Another sleepless night Friday.  Got up and went to Cross Fit.  I was really pushing myself hard - the workouts are tough.  It was waaaay out of my comfort zone.  Then I cut my arm - really badly (stitches, tetanus shot, antibiotic bad).  I just had a freak out moment - I thought I was going to either have an anxiety attack or burst out in tears (or both). 

I was thinking "What am I doing?  Why do I think I can do this?  I can't handle all these things!"  It was about the workout - and about work and looking for a house and being on my own and not knowing what I want to do. But here's the thing: If I can build my confidence in the gym, maybe it will spill over into other areas of my life.

The trainer cleaned it up, slapped a bandage on it, and I finished the workout.

I had lunch with my friend K - who is just an awesome, independent woman. We had lunch (Honduran), wandered around a book store, then met up with some other friends for dinner & beers & hanging out.  I spent the night in Durham and came home this morning.

Got my spark plugs changed, laundry done, prepped food, painted some swatches of paint on the wall.  I like the color!

I'm not ready for another week, but there ya go.

Take care.

Yay for Friday!

Well, the "bad" thing is I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't get back to sleep.   !?!?!  I finally gave up and got up early.

Work was busy and the time went quickly.  Went for my annual physical at the new doctor here.  I like her!  I talked to her about going back on my anxiety med, which she totally understood.  What I take a a very low dose of a daily medication.  I didn't want Xanax or anything like that - I prefer this. 

After that I had lunch (I was hungry because I had to fast), came home for a nap, then went to Costc0 for gas, prescriptions, and a few grocery items.

My son is having to work 7 days a week for a stretch - ugh!  Half day Sunday, but still.  He is coming home this evening.  I made him up a batch of beef stew to take back.

His work is crazy, but he seems to be doing really well - I am SO glad.  It's hard when your kids leave the nest but haven't yet found their direction.  I can't say he's found it yet, but he seems to be doing a lot better in terms of being independent and mature for now.

I guess I'm in kind of a numb/ limbo stage.  I just have so much uncertainty about the future in so many ways, I'm just not really thinking about it too much.

I would say this week was a fail in the workout department - cross fit, one session on the elliptical, one walk in the park.  Food was 50/50 - fine during the day but definitely too much after dinner grazing + beer - which is the worst for my weight!!  Weight was the same this week.

If I don't post tomorrow I will be back on Sunday.

Have a good weekend!

Sunny & Warm

The weather here is lovely, so after I got home mom and I went for a walk in the park.  It's a lovely day.

I am feeling better again today.  It's funny, after work I went to get my annual mammogram.  I felt good about going, knowing I was doing something to take care of myself.  Yeah, getting a mammogram left me in a good mood.  Weird, huh? :-)

Anyway, it was a pretty good day.  Tomorrow I am working a half day (I worked longer days earlier in the week).  I have my annual physical at 12:30. 

Plans for Saturday have morphed to me staying over in Durham through Saturday night.  No idea what we're doing, but it'll be fun. :-) 

Have a nice evening!

Today was better again

Even though I didn't sleep well, today was better at work.  The sadness wasn't as oppressive.

I ordered a print to go in my bedroom from art dot com:

Here is a room that is a bit of an inspiration:

The plan is to have pale pink walls, tan curtains and blanket. I have a wood headboard mom picked up at the thrift shop today for $15.  If the wood doesn't look good I can cover it with fabric.  The accent color will be splashes of aqua in place of the coral.  I love aqua and have a lovely vintage lamp in the room - but I wanted something fresh and new - a color scheme I haven't used before.  The tan replaces my old grey. The room should be warm but restful.  I'll post pics when its done.

I'm meeting a couple of girlfriends for lunch in Durham Saturday, including one of my best friends - the one that lives in Raleigh (Kay).  I also have another session of cross fit.

So things to look forward to this weekend.

I am exhausted and am skipping the gym tonight.  I packed my food today, ate a reasonable and healthy dinner, and am giving myself permission to take the night off. Tomorrow evening I have my mammogram, Friday I leave work early for my annual physical.  After that its off to the gym - so I'll get in 4 workouts this week.  Not the best but not too shabby.

Thank you for your comments - I really appreciate it.  It really helps just to have friends reaching out - and I count you among my friends. :-)

Take care! 

Today was not a good day

I was at work for 10 hours.  I'm tired, it was a long day, and the numbness seems to be taking a break.  It's replaced with overwhelming sadness.

Gwen has posted a couple of good articles about perfectionism.  I wanted to do this perfectly.  A couple of days of sad, followed by noble loneliness, going to therapy, doing my time in self reflection time out - and coming out the other side, thin, mellow like the Dalai Lama, and ready to move on.

Like most things in life, grief isn't linear.  So today I am back to sad.  After dinner I picked up curtains and a sample of paint for the new bedroom.  Then I went to the grocery for beer and salami.

I'll get back on the horse tomorrow. Maybe therapy will help with this d*&^ need to do everything "perfectly" - even failure.

Take care.

Back to work

So, it was a pretty long day at work today, but it was okay.  I told my boss what is going on - I will be having some counseling sessions and will need to flex my work schedule somewhat, so I needed to let her know.

It was in the 60s today so I wore sandals to show off my new pedicure. :-)

I came home, ate some supper, and went to the gym.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical.  I need to finish entering my food and exercise into Sparkpeople.

Have a good evening!

Busy weekend so far

Yesterday I went to lunch and got a pedicure with an old friend - that was nice.

When my son got home I told him that we had mutually decided to separate.  He's mad and feels like his mom has been "done wrong", but I calmed him down as much as possible and we had a good talk about it.  I know he is going to be hurt as well - B has been his step-dad since he was 6.

I got the car washed and did a couple of other things before making us all a nice supper.  I've been working on keeping my food in check - healthy stuff with plenty of vegetables.  The last beer was consumed Friday and I don't plan to buy any more for a while.  My stomach is kind of upset, but I think it's stress.

Today we've run more errands - I met with another friend for a couple of errands with her as well.

The weather is lovely so we've had windows open enjoying the fresh air and sunshine.

I had bought a wallet for myself for my birthday and tucked it away.  I pulled it out AND I bought myself a purse today (of all the places I looked, I found one I liked at W-M, go figure!).  So I have a new purse and wallet, and a paint chip I want to get a paint sample of for painting my bedroom.  I looked for curtains, but no luck.

My back is a bit sore from Cross Fit but that's it.  I was hoping to get in a walk in the park but that's gonna be a no go - we have to follow the boy up to Eden (1 hour 1 way) in my mom's car.  His uncle's house doesn't have a bed - we pulled one out of storage for him.  Oh well - today will be my day off and I will make sure I get a workout in every day this week.

In short: I'm keeping busy - touching base with friends, accomplishing things.  Evenings are hard.  I slept better last night, that helped too.

Thank you for your good thoughts.  Take care.

Finnegan Begin ... again

Good morning.

Yesterday was hard.  I love my husband, and splitting up is hard.  But there is also the fact that I genuinely enjoy being married - being part of a team.  I'm going to miss that.  I'll be 49 next month.  The idea of starting over is daunting.

This all happened Thursday evening.  Yesterday I just let myself be a mess.  I haven't slept for crap the past couple of nights either, so that doesn't help.

Like I said - I made myself some appointments and plans.  My son will be home this evening and I don't want him to see me all crying into my beer and sobbing like a 15 year old.  I will be honest, but I don't want him to freak out.  I don't know if that makes sense.  I don't want to stay in the "hysterical mess" phase. :-)

I went to Cross Fit this morning.  The first 6 sessions are a combination of assessment and teaching proper form.  It was tough - but I enjoyed it.

I've also decided to rearrange and paint the bedroom here.  I have some new bedding and I'd like to maybe look for a headboard.  That'll be nice.

My mantra right now is to make no major decisions for the next 6 months.  No joining the peace corps, taking up with somebody, spending a bunch of money, etc.  Just let it be.  My husband bought a car yesterday.  Yeah.

So I guess this blog will change a bit in that my focus will be more about my overall well being - to include fitness and weight loss.  I'm not giving up on myself just because he did.  I'm sure there will be bumps in the journey.  But I have to take this time now to love and care for myself.  Then hopefully down the road I'll be ready to begin again with someone special.

Just so sad

Today has been a pretty terrible day.  I am just so sad. 

I have done a couple of things though: I have a doctor appt next week (I am going to ask to go back on my anxiety medication), I have an appt for a mammogram (overdue), and I have an appt with a counselor.

Tomorrow morning is my first evaluation & training session at the cross fit gym.  I have signed up for a study class through my friend's church.  I have made plans to see a friend next weekend.  I have messaged with a couple of friends.

I did finally manage yoga pants, but only to go to the grocery for beer & pimento cheese.  I know.  I just don't have the fortitude right now to do much more than cry and say "I am so sad."

I know I will be okay.  It will take a while (15 years is a long time).  I will be okay.

Take care.

Well

So, I was hoping it wasn't too late, but ... yeah.

After 15 years, my husband and I are splitting up.  I hope you'll forgive me if the number on the scale isn't my highest priority just now.

Today

So today was a pretty good day!

For one, the weather was really nice - 72 degrees!  I went to the gym for what had to be the lamest workout ever.  Not because I wasn't motivated, my back was just really sore.  Last night's class was good but we did a bunch of moves I don't typically do, and A LOT of them.  So I did what I could and called it an evening.

I don't know if I mentioned, my son started a job Monday.  He is liking it pretty well, it's hard work and 60 hours a week.  But it pays well and his uncle (my younger step brother) is working there too.  I'm really proud of him for working hard and being so independent.

I got a new book yesterday.  One of my favorite authors (Patricia Briggs) just released a new book, which I had pre ordered on Amazon.  I really enjoy her books, so that was a nice thing.

My husband and I have special plans for this weekend.  Living with my mom has been tough on our relationship just because we don't have a lot of time for just the two of us.  So yay!

My mom took me out to supper tonight - she knows I've been kind of down and thought that would be a nice treat.  We tried a new to us Italian place - I got eggplant parm with a salad.  Not a low cal meal, but low carb.  It was yummy.

We may get snow tomorrow - crazy!!!

Have a good evening! Take care. 

Turning around my stinkin thinkin

I posted a comment on this blog today.  The lady was talking about giving up weighing her food - letting go of that kind of behavior.  Here is the comment I left:

"I can so relate to this. You know the saying: "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" For me, I get so caught up in the precision of my measurements and act like that is SO important, failing to notice the "log" - like the chips I ate! Fretting over the minutiae lets me ignore the larger issues."

I have a masters in applied statistics (economics specifically).  I am a project manager by profession.  I plan, create scopes, build flows, chart milestones.

I like to organize things.  I'm great at making plans.  But here's the thing: doing all that planning and goal setting lets me focus on where I want to be.  Sounds like a vital part of achieving your goals - setting them, right?

But what happens when you are so busy on seeing where you want to go that you pay absolutely no attention to the road!  Yes, you have to know where you are going, but you need to check where you are as well.  You might trip on a rock!

Okay, enough analogy - I think you get my point.  Worrying about what I'll weigh on my birthday gets me off the hook for skipping the gym tonight, after all, there's plenty of time between now & my birthday!

And there's another issue at work here as well.  I've written about the fact that right now there are many circumstances in my life which are challenging: we can't buy a house until we've sold the one in Florida, I am working a contract (temp) job, etc.  I've been so focused on where I want to be, and am not even appreciating what is going on right now.  I'm treating the present like an unpleasant waiting room I want to get out of as quickly as possible!

Wishing your life away, distancing yourself from the present - is unhealthy.  I've written about this before, and I've been trying, but I don't seem to be able to address this situation alone.  I'm going to investigate getting some counseling.  I know healthy foods and exercise help, but I feel like I need a little help to achieve escape velocity.  I'm not gaining weight, but my loss seems to have stalled out.  More importantly, I feel like I've stalled out emotionally.

So that's where I am right now.

Thanks for reading - be well. :-)

Focus on the now

Thanks for the good wishes!  Nothing major happened, just didn't feel up to posting - but did want to let you know about the scale. :-)

Saturday was my son's birthday - he had a good day.

I've been too focused on the goal, not enough on the activities to get me there.  An example is thinking I should weigh X by day Y, although frankly this type of thinking has crept into many facets of my life.

Goals are fine until you become so fixed on the goal that you aren't concentrating on the present.  Something to work on this week.

Take care!

Got nothing

Having a sad, stressed day.

Scale is down 1.8 pounds for the week, but I'm taking today off posting.

Be well.

Greetings from the great white south!

We got 7 gorgeous inches of big, fluffy, heavy snow!!!  My mom went out first thing and made snow ice cream.  (Don't worry - I only had a bite, as did she.  It's in the freezer for my son.)

After breakfast (burger & green beans), I got out and over the course of a couple of hours cleared off both cars and shoveled the driveway.  (I took breaks).  Then I came in and put Ben Gay on my back (is there anything sexier than smelling like your great grandmother? No, there is not).  So maybe no kettlebells but I promise I got in a good workout!!

AM snack was a deviled egg.  Lunch was a deconstructed tuna melt and tomato soup.  I felt like a hot lunch again!!

I am working at home today.  I'd like to get out & go for a walk after I get off this conference call.  Pictures of the back yard (and grandpuppies):

Let me share with you a greet video - a cover of Bruno Mars "Uptown Funk" (which I love) done by seniors. 

Uptown Funk f. Alex Boye

Never lost your verve!
 
I hope you have a wonderful day!

50 ways to eat your burger, well maybe not quite 50...

First of all, I boot scooted to the gym as soon as work was over.  It's funny how somehow you go and it's like "meh" (Monday) and you do the bare minimum.  Other nights it's like total amazeballs.  That was tonight.  I had a super amazing kick ass workout on the elliptical.  I climbed off feeling like a million bucks.  Which is good since we're getting 5-7 inches of snow or snow & sleet tonight.  So tomorrow is an at home workout with the kettlebells.  Did I mention I had a good workout? :-)  Have I mentioned I really love to work out?? ;-)

Today Gwen wrote a post about her breakfast and asked what other folks typically eat for breakfast.  I tend to eat by patterns - not the exact things but general trends.  I like to start the day with a solid protein breakfast.  I also like to eat vegetables at every meal.  And as you all probably know, I prep breakfasts, lunches, & snacks on the weekend for grab and go during the week.

Given those constraints, burgers (or similar) and veggies are eaten most weekdays for breakfast.  The nice thing about being a pretty decent cook is that you can take a common base and come up with loads of variations.  Not because the cooking is hard, but because you know what flavor combinations to use to create something new.

Here's some different things I generally prepare:

Burgers, mini meat loaves, or meat balls - which if you think about it, are really all the same thing: a lump of meat with some items added in (or not) and maybe covered in sauce (or toppings).  From that I create:

southwest (avocado & salsa)
italian (marinara sauce, some mozzarella and/or parm, basil etc)
Greek (seasonings mixed in, then topped with tsaziki, kalamata olives, red onions, tomato, cucumber)
traditional meatloaf - I like a light sauce of bbq sauce and ketchup
traditional burger - cheese, mustard, ketchup, pickled beets
fake salisbury steak  - keep it plain and top with onions, mushrooms, homemade gravy
korean: kim chi, sprouts, a little soy sauce

See what I mean?  Pick a type of food, figure out what defines that flavor for you, and pile it on top a hunk of meat! :-)  I also add veggies alongside - spiralized or sliced zucchini, frozen green beans or broccoli tossed onto a cookie sheet and roasted.

There you have it - 7 different breakfats with a bag of frozen veg and a package of ground meat.  Eggs are okay, but I don't want to take the time to cook them and they don't reheat well. 

Have a good evening!
 

Evening Update

Okay, workout done at home with kettlebells: 200 swings, 100 clean and presses, 50 squats.

Dinner was the deconstructed reuben with a big ass salad since I ate cooked veggies at lunch.