They didn’t teach shop at the school of science & math

Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot at Lowe’s, wondering how I ever got to this point.

I was a nerdy kid, and even if they had offered shop class at the NC School of Science & Math where I attended high school, I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken it.  But they didn’t and I didn’t.  And then I went to college, where I did help a boyfriend work on his 1969 Mustang Mach 1.  And then I joined the Army, where I actually had to do the maintenance on my own vehicle.  Although I admit I wasn’t above baking cookies and taking them to the mechanics so that they would do most of the work!

But tools?  Sure, I’d help my dad hold a piece of siding or something, but he never really explained or I never really listened, or a bit of both.  But not too long after I bought my house I met my (not soon enough to be) ex-husband, and he was a contractor, so problem solved.  Until he left and took all the tools, none of which I knew how to use anyway.

So the other day I found myself looking online for adult shop classes, but couldn’t find anything locally. My terrier is getting under the barn (or trying), and cut herself on the wire someone tacked up years ago as a deterrent.  Despite years of asking, neither my son nor my husband ever bothering addressing the issue.  

I decided to solve the problem.  So I did what any mature, self-sufficient woman would do: texted her manly tool wielding girlfriend and asked her if she’d please come help!  But she couldn't get here till late-ish, so I decided to go to Lowe’s and buy the lattice.  Did you know that you can’t really cut wood lattice very well because it’s stapled together?  Did you also know that Lowe’s doesn’t cut plastic?  Which is how I wound up in the middle of a busy Lowe’s with tears in my eyes asking the guy that works there what to do.

He asked me if I had a hacksaw, I said no, my ex took all the tools and what was a hacksaw anyway?  So he helped me pick out a hacksaw.  I wrestled 4 pieces of 2 x 8 plastic lattice into my Nissan Sentra, and sat in the parking lot, wondering when exactly I sold my sense of self sufficiency and independence for the comforts of marriage, and why?  Was it necessary?    

I bought my first tool.  I expect to buy more.  They'll be worth the price because I will be buying back my own sense of self.

And when my friend K got here?  Well, it took some yesterday and till nearly 1 today, but:

The other 3 sides look just as good.

Today

Last night was fine.  Ate dinner, then had a piece of chicken for a snack later.  Drank unsweetened tea and water only.

Today is super busy, the usual plus getting packed for my trip.  And trying to repair the lattice on the barn.  My friend K is coming over to help, and I am grateful for that!

Okay, have a good day!

Where did the week go?

Since I was off Monday, I've been working long days for the rest of the week to make up (most) of the time.  AH, the carefree life of a contractor! ;-) Anyway, between getting off work late, son being home in the evenings, and things just being busy here (mom took off for Georgia and I am in charge of the dog pack), I just haven't posted.

My Atkins book arrived - I really like it.  I've nearly finished reading it.  It's a "new and improved" Atkins, and looks at "net carbs".  So basically phase 1 is meats, healthy fats (including dairy), and veggies.  The goal for phase 1 is 20 net carbs per day.  I am going to start once I get back from camping.  Not making excuses, but it is too difficult to work out food when primitive camping to try & figure out carb counts.  I will focus on eating healthy, minimally processed.  There is actually a produce stand on site!

Did not get the job I posted for - it was supporting our other product and I have NO experience on it, so I wasn't terribly surprised.

My terrier managed to cut herself on some chicken wire trying to get under the storage barn (rabbits & other small animals go under there sometimes).  At least that's my working hypothesis.  So my friend Kay is coming and we are going to put lattice around the base of the barn.  I am going to get it pre cut at Lowe's, so the overall effect is going to be pretty trashy, but it will be effective.

I used to have access to several thousand dollars of really nice power tools.  Now I have none.  I need to get a few things, and learn how to use them.  Sadly, the local community college does not seem to offer an "adult shop" class!

Have a good day!

Operation GMST*

Okay, I've been thinking about this for several days now.  While it is okay to be somewhat adrift, it is NOT okay to remain in passive mode doing nothing about it for an extended period of time.  Navel gazing only gets you so far!

This is a multi-fold plan.  Stages, setbacks, lulls, and wrong turns are all okay.  Remaining in pitiful pearl mode is not okay.

Number 1:  Let's work on a little self compassion.  It's not so much an esteem issue as the fact that I always expect unreasonable things from myself.  Ordered:

Also, I emailed Blaine at Crossfit and told him I would be back after Pennsic.  Working out in a gym with no air conditioning when it's in the upper 90s and the humidity makes it feel like 100+ is not working for me.  And I've been beating myself up for not going, but it's making me feel absolutely ill afterward due to the heat.  In short, I've been setting myself up to feel worse about myself.  STOP it!

Number 2:  Health.  Yeah, carbs, you gotta go. Ordered:

I love you, but we HAVE to break up.  You're just no good for me.

Number 3:  Being social, doing things with friends.  Being there for them as well as asking them to be here for me.  A+.  I probably have better, closer relationships with my close girlfriends than I have in YEARS.  Friends are important!

Number 4: Doing something important.  Am looking into finding 1-2 places I really want to volunteer.  I could spare a few hours a month to help someone other than myself (or my friends).  And I think I would feel a lot better about me if I did!

Number 5:  Hobbies (good point Gwen!).  I'm a girl with too many hobbies! :-)  But many I can't really indulge in right now since so much of my stuff is in storage.  But I'm doing what I can on this front.

Number 6: Stop dreading, start doing.  Already talked to my tenant.  She hopes to buy the house by the end of the year.  I let her know I plan to have it sold by late spring as that is when I intend to look for a house.  I hope like anything we can work it out, but I let her know there is an end point at which I will have to move on.  Post vacation: start looking for a full time job.  :-(  I like contracting, but I need something steadier for the next few years.

And the title: Get My S&^% Together. :-)  I remain a work in progress.

Take care!

 

A different version of the same mistake

While different, this week has been as difficult as I've had since the separation.  For so much of my life, I've done what a lot of girls who were raised without a strong, positive male influence do:  looked to men for affirmation. I thought I was past that, but I realized that no, not really.

I didn't realize how much of my sense of identity and self worth was tied into being a successful employee at a major corporation, making a good home, being a good wife and mother.  Now I'm a contractor, living in someone else's home, without a husband, and a grown son who isn't nearly as dependent on me as he once was.

No wonder I'm adrift.  It's not just the level of uncertainty.  It's the realization that I don't have a good handle on who I am.  I feel like my yardsticks for measuring my self worth are gone.  I don't know what I do to add value to the world.

So what's next?  I have no clue.  This last week was a mess.  I HAVE to be done with that - it's getting me nowhere.  I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Still pondering

Hey there.  Work was fine, ate what I packed, blah blah.  Tonight is water aerobics and food is ready for tomorrow.  When I get home from water aerobics I will want something to eat, need to figure out what will make a good snack that I will enjoy.

I'm seriously considering doing a better job of tracking (and limiting) my carbs.  I generally stay away from breads, pastas, and other processed foods.  But I think I may look into Atkins when I get home from camping.  For now I'll tighten down a bit more, but I want to buy the book - or check it out from the library.

I was feeling kinda down today.  I plan to start looking for a full time job when I get home from vacation.  I enjoy contracting, but I'm not sure right now I can handle the uncertainty.  Maybe if the house were sold.  That's another thing - after vacation I plan to call my tenant.  The lease is up 1 November, I need to know what she's thinking about that.  So much to consider - no wonder if feels a bit overwhelming.  

I don't know how to wind down

Day turned out much better than I thought it might, although I had too much to do.  Son woke up happy and well rested, took care of brakes, and relaxed (which he needed).  I did food prep, laundry, etc.

I am discovering that food and/ or a beer (or glass of wine) serves as my signal that it's time to wind down.  I'm clean, face washed, teeth brushed, supplements taken, and I find myself sitting here thinking "now what?".  I need a new signal to tell me to relax. Something to ponder....

Feeling a bit frustrated

Good morning!  Can I vent for a moment here?  (Of course I can, it's my blog!)

I've raised a pretty good kid if I do say so myself: he's competent, kind, and hard working.  I don't take all the credit, and of course at 20 he is still a work in progress, but he's a good kid. 

On the plus side is that he is caring and generous.  One the negative, it sometimes I feel like I get placed last in his priorities.  He is working and saving money to go back to school, but I am subsidizing him somewhat.  One thing I recently did was pay the tax & tags on his car.  In return, I asked him to do the brakes on my car.  The problem is that doing that falls behind working on his stuff and working on his grandpa's house.  Well, I can't wait forever for my brakes to get done! 

He isn't selfish - certainly less so than your average 20 year old, but I still get frustrated when working on my stuff (for which he gets paid more than he does by his grandpa) is lower priority than everything else!  UGH!

I had a nice time yesterday - went out to lunch with my friend, hung out by the pool, then she came over and I fixed supper for everyone (family got home right at supper time).  It was a nice day.

I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit like this today:

Happy Weekend!

Good morning!  My son & mom headed for the beach Thursday, so I've been home alone.  Living with my mom, I really miss my alone time.  I'm very grateful we have the kind of relationship where this is working fine, but I am a person that really needs some solitude.  They are headed home this afternoon.

Ran errands, went to the gym, blah blah blah. :-)  Been an okay week.

Certain things mean summer to me:  from childhood it's the sound of cicadas and the smell of tomato plants in the garden.  As an adult, I've added watching the tour de France, which I really enjoy.  We don't have cable, but sometimes they show it on NBC on the weekends.

This afternoon I am hanging out with a girlfriend over at her sister's house.  (She has been doing contract work for the past couple of years and traveling a lot, so she's been just living out of her sister's house).  She has a regular full time job now and is getting her own place at the end of the month.  Anyway, they live a couple of miles away and have a pool, so yay! :-)

It's funny - I know several people my age who are living with friends and/ or family.  I think it's smart, but I also think it's a good indicator of the state of the economy.

I hope you have a good weekend!

"Everything I never knew I always wanted"

That title was the title of a post on http://carlabirnberg.com/ (it's a quote from "Fools Rush In" - a very silly enjoyable rom com).  I love that quote - it perfectly captures what it is I feel like I need to find - not a person, so much as a passion.

So, today was Cross Fit.  I never regret going, but sometimes it is hard to get there.  It is hard, and way outside my comfort zone.  But I always feel accomplished when I leave the gym.

Work was fine, ate my packed food.  Dinner was potato, baked fish, and roasted broccoli. My mom and son are headed to the beach this weekend - I'll be here, dog sitting.  Getting together at some point with a friend.  I'm very much looking forward to a quiet weekend home alone. 

I have an interview tomorrow (with my boss) for a full time position on my team.  I don't know what will happen.  If I don't get it I will be disappointed, but I know I'll be okay.  So, fingers crossed! :-)

Okay, going to take a shower!  Take care!

Family, friends, fun & food

Sorry to leave you hanging again - I was busy having a wonderful weekend!!!

A dear friend Kay came for the weekend, my son was here, and a friend of his.  We grilled out a bunch, watched movies (including "Independence Day"), and just hung out.  It was awesome!  I needed that - I really relaxed. :-)

Saturday morning I went to Cross Fit and had a long talk with the owner.  I've been feeling frustrated lately - I haven't been sure about my form and feel like I haven't been making progress.  He assured my I was doing fine & on track, but said he would also bring it up with the other 2 teachers.  I also committed to coming in a practicing my form more, even if I'm not going in to work out.  Today after work I went over & worked on my cleans before dinner.  I'm going to water aerobics in a few minutes.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well!

I made a really good recipe for breakfast this week:

Thai style burgers:  garlic, ginger, lemongrass & cilantro, topped with an Asian slaw:  slaw mix with cilantro, sesame oil & lime juice. 

Really good and a nice serving of veggies with breakfast!

Have a good day! :-)

Then I left you hanging

Good morning.

Just a quick note before I head for work.  I've been to water aerobics and Cross Fit this week.  I've also done some emotional eating, but I am feeling better.  I've got my travel plans sorted out for my trip to Pennsylvania at the end of the month.

On our call Tuesday, Sean asked us to finish the sentence, "When I have lost the weight, I ...".  My answer was a bit backward, because my sentence is "When I ..., then I will lose the weight."  I've said it before, but I have to deal with the empty place I fill with food.  It's not just emotional eating, it's eating to fill that void. 

Working on it - sometimes with mixed results, but working on it.

Have a good day!

More navel gazing

Yesterday I met a girlfriend for lunch, then drove to Durham for a cookout with friends.  It was a satisfyingly social day.  Today is Cinderella duties.

I'm excited about our trip, feel more confident in my financial security as a result of the signed separation agreement, but I still feel .. wow.

Years of trying so hard to keep my marriage together, and putting up with so much crap, and doing so much for that guy.  And then he shows up to the signing with a toddler seat in the back of his car.  Yeah, unfaithful much?  What a jerk.

So, what's next?  I had envisioned buying a house and then renovating it just the way we wanted it (the perks of being married to a contractor).  Now?  Hell, I have no idea. 

It's hard to get excited about putting one foot in front of the other when you have no idea where you are going.

Turn the page

I have spent the past 20 or so years doing what women all around the world do: support and nurture their families.  I’ve provided financially and emotionally, and my efforts have taken care of us and allowed others to pursue goals and dreams.  There have been successes and failures along the way.  And like many women, I have happily allowed my own dreams to take a back seat, believing “my turn” would come.

The past year has brought about a sea change in nearly every aspect of my life, and the next year promises to bring even more.  With change comes opportunity if you are willing to grab it.  I’ve been asking myself lately what dreams I want to pursue.  I don’t have a lot of concrete answers and that’s okay.  But I’ve been yearning to do something epic.

I’ve decided this year I am crossing a big item off my bucket list:  I am making a cross country trip with my son.  Beyond visiting a dear friend in Phoenix, Moab, the Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, the rest is TBD.  We have to work out the itinerary and timeline, but I have reached a point where I am able and ready to make my own goals and dreams a priority.

Maybe a different woman could have done a better job of balancing those dreams of her family with her own.  I guess I’m too much of an “all in” person to have done it that way.  I waited “my turn”, before realizing that you can’t wait, you have you make your turn.

Our cross country trip to see some of the best America has to offer might be the “official” start, but really, the journey is already underway.

TGIF

Guys, it's been as rough a week emotionally as I have had in months.  But the papers are signed, the car titles are transferred.

Blech

Ever feel like you are a salmon trying to swim upriver, but barely holding your own?  The last couple of days I just felt like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life.  While that isn't reality, it's how I feel.  And it stinks feeling that way.

Here is a picture of the food I am packing this week:

That riced cauliflower looks weird. :-)

I know this feeling will pass, I don't like coming here and being a negative nellie, but I guess we all feel that way sometimes!

I had dinner with 2 friends over the weekend, so that was nice.  I'm hanging in here, but the heat is kinda miserable.  It was 98 today.

Take care!

Define "salad"

I just finished my food prep for the week.  Yay!  I made myself a different variation of salad that I haven't made in a while, and I got to thinking about salad.  Some bloggers say they don't like salad.  That may be true, but I also think a lot of people have a pretty narrow definition.

My salads that I pack for lunch never include lettuce or spinach or anything like that - they just don't hold up well. This salad is no exception to that rule.  I'll give you the base and today's version, but you can take this salad in any flavor direction you'd like.

Cauliflower salad

Rice a head of cauliflower in the food processor  (after that there are no rules!)
Today's included
grilled chicken
a can of black beans
cilantro
green onions (red are good too)
I could have put roasted corn but didn't have any
chili and garlic powder
lime juice
salt
an english cucumber, diced

This will keep in the fridge all week.  Every night before I pack some for lunch I plan to add:
diced tomato and avocado

As you can imagine the portions are quite large and low in calories and carbs, but an excellent source of good fats & protein.

It's super hot here today.  I went for a walk in the park and am spending today inside.  I miss you, spring!

Hope you have a good day!

And .... moving on

So, here's the thing: In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.  We've been separated for 3 months, so 9 more to go.  You can do it one of 2 ways: you can get a legal separation agreement at any point in that year, or you can wait to quibble over shit until the end and drag it out.  We already have a verbal agreement, I want to get it in writing.  But husband is the kind to do any and everything in order to avoid anything "unpleasant". 

He had planned to come down here this weekend to help his mom with some stuff, but when that became unnecessary, I think he decided "why bother"? Although he has to register son's car by the end of the month or sign it over to me, so I do think he will likely come next weekend as that is his last possible chance to avoid shelling out for the car.  But once he signs, he also loses his ability to say "If you don't do xyz, then I will xyz."  And yeah, extortion is one of the tools in his arsenal to get his way.

SO.

Had a bit of a pity party last night, then got up this morning and went to the gym.  Food is planned and purchased, and will be prepped tomorrow.  I've applied for the open position on our team, balanced my checkbook, and done some housework.  Tonight I am having dinner with a girlfriend.  Tomorrow is more Cinderella work (laundry and cooking) plus maybe a walk in the park. 

So, yeah, pretty disappointed but not surprised.

Have a good day!

ugh

Guess who backed out of signing the papers?  Ugh.  Back tomorrow.

I got nothing

Stressed.

Started watching "Grace and Frankie" on netflix.  It's pretty cute.  Work was okay, have some nice plans with friends for the weekend, plus some down time.  Just looking forward to getting this done.  Will report in tomorrow night.

Good night!

We shall see

The good:  Husband claims he will meet me Friday afternoon around 3 or 3:30.  We'll see if he actually signs the separation agreement.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  So that could be good!

The "bad":  Cross Fit.  Okay, it wasn't bad, but it was HARD.  Very tough partner workout.

The ugly:  I think a while back I mentioned our good family friend (they used to live next door and I babysat for their son).  His wife is mom's best friend and he was a finance professor and my mentor in grad school.  He was diagnosed with cancer, which they treated.  It is back and it is everywhere.  The situation is just awful.  She came over to cry on mom's shoulder - I headed out early to the gym so they could talk.  I just feel so terrible.

Day was typical; ate my packed food, came home, went to the gym, ate supper.  Need to take a shower and pack my food for tomorrow.

That's all I got.

Anxiety

So, this week I am waiting with baited breath to see if my husband will actually sign the separation agreement on Friday.  Cross your fingers for me!

This week is okay.  It's hot, I went to Cross Fit and it was a sweatfest, but I loved it.  I need to go shower and pack my food before my 8 PM weight loss support group conference call.

I leave you with this thought:

Sunny Sunday

Good morning.  Got a great night of sleep last night, but for some reason I woke up at 6 and I was awake.  Ugh - my chance to sleep in, denied! :-O

I got up and went to the park for an early morning walk which was very nice.  I've been to Costco, almost finished with food prep, and mostly done with laundry.

The big activity for this afternoon is washing the dogs.  Jordan is pretty easy, but Mya hates getting a bath, and she's big, and very strong.  Luckily it isn't a frequent occurrence!

Yesterday I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2" on netflix streaming.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

Not much else to say.  Looking forward to a low key day before I go back to work.  Have a good day!

Crazytown

So, about yesterday.  Hub called his mom and asked her to call my mom to see if my mom would meet him at the back Friday so he could sign the car over to me.  Uh, WTF!?!  So, why is he trying so hard to avoid me?  Anyway, I told him that he would need to meet me because I was the one who would be getting the car, not my mom.  Dumba$$.  And we could sign the separation agreement at the same time.

He made a few asinine statements, but so far seems amenable to this plan.  We shall see.

I don't understand why he is trying so hard to avoid me, I'm like, let's just get it done and move on, but he would rather delay & avoid.  What a coward.  Moving on....

Had an amazing Cross Fit workout this morning.  Here is what was written:

400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 cleans
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 pull ups
400 m run (with duffel bag)
30 push presses
400 m run (with duffel bag)

It was a partner workout so you only do half the exercises in between - we traded off with sets of 5.  Since I don't run we did a 300 m row instead.  It took us around 22 minutes.  Not too shabby, but boy was I whipped!  I was proud of th epace we were able to maintain and having a partner pushed me.

I came home & had a steak & tomato omelet.  I am going to take a shower and then start on chores - the usual cleaning, shopping, food prep, plus dog washing! :-)

Anyway, just needed to vent yesterday.  One trait about my ex that drove me nuts was the way he would do just about anything (including lie) in order to avoid something unpleasant.  I'm a rip off the bandage kinda girl.  I'd rather be done with it so I can move on.

Okay, have a great weekend!

Head exploded

So, my not soon enough ex is being a jerk.  Head explodes.  You left me, I gave you everything you asked for, what's up with your douchery???

The end.

Sleepy girl!

I have no idea who has been slipping me sleeping pills!  I have been SO tired lately.  I came home and took a nap (again today) then ate supper, then went to water aerobics.

I don't know why I've been so tired lately, but I've taken a nap every day after work.  I've done water aerobics twice, did Cross Fit last night, and plan to do Cross Fit again Friday and Saturday.

In any case, other than a small bag of chips (200 calories) that I gave in to at work today (it was my long day - 10 hours - and I was tired), food has been on plan and exercise has been really good.

Okay, my son is visiting so I'm gonna get off the computer.

Good night!

Wednesday

My reaction when a friend had to shut down her blog.  Most uncool.

My day was nice - had lunch with a good friend which was a treat.  Ate planned food, went to Cross Fit, then had a yummy dinner (salmon patties, baked fries, roasted okra).

I am very proud of myself! My feelings about Cross Fit have been mixed - I love the weight lifting part, but the conditioning work is pretty brutal and I dread it because I'm not in good condition.  Tonight's metcon included multiple 800 meter runs.  I asked how long to row as a substitute and did that instead.  I am proud of myself.  I didn't make excuses, just asked, rowed that distance instead, and moved on.  It was still very hard, but it didn't feel overwhelming.  So yay for sticking up for what is right for my body!

Ex is going to have to go in to the DMV and register the car.  I texted him and he said okay.  So done.  Moving on from that.

I hope you had a great day and enjoy your evening.  Take care!

I don't always want to feel my feelings

First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments.  You are right - my feelings are appropriate, and I am thankful I didn't buy a car with an accident I didn't know about!

Last night I came home, ate, and went to water aerobics.  Then I had a snack when I got home, watched an episode of "Eureka" and went to bed.

This morning I went online to update the registration for my car and my son's.  Mine was no issue.  Son's car is in my husband's name, and since he changed his address I couldn't do it online.  I was SO annoyed.  My feelings were out of proportion to what happened.  In any case, my son can go Friday and see if he can do it in person.  If not, ex will have to deal with it.  I sent him a text and let him know.  Ugh.

I'm resentful that for 13 years I supported him, made sure he had health insurance (and took car of himself), and now he is perfectly willing to leave us without health insurance.  And threaten to take half my retirement fund.  So when stuff like this morning happens, I get livid.  So yeah, I am angry and resentful.

There are times I really don't want to feel my feelings - they just feel like too much.  I just keep plugging away at the little issues, knowing that only time & distance will help.

I planned to go to Cross Fit, but I came home for a short nap and didn't wake up.  Dinner is eaten, food for tomorrow is packed.  So I guess today is a rest day.  Tomorrow is Cross Fit.

Take care!

Feeling my feelings

I am going to write this.  I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but this is how I am feeling and I want to write it down, partly so I can let it go.

I think I mentioned that a colleague was going to sell her car and buy a minivan. I was hoping to buy it - it's 1 year newer, has 25K less miles, and has cruise control (the main point).  Well, she traded it when she got a new car this weekend.  Turns out it had been in an accident before she bought it and that wasn't disclosed, so she didn't want to sell it to anyone.

I don't blame her, but I am disappointed.  And I am also feeling resentful that my ex went out and bought a car the day after he left me.  And I still have my old car.  My only complaint about my car is that it doesn't have cruise control.  Other than that I am happy.  And could I go buy a car?  Of course! But I am trying to be fiscally responsible since my contract is up in October and I don't know what I'll be doing after that.  And I don't know when my house is going to sell.

So, disappointed and resentful.  Eh, those are my feelings.  I'm not letting it ruin anything, nor have I turned to food.  I am going to read, have a nice dinner, and then go to water aerobics.

Take care.

Sunday

Last night I met up with 2 girlfriends for dinner and had a great time!  Today I am feeling MUCH better - still a tad sniffly, but nearly 100%.

More importantly, I am feeling a renewed sense of purpose.

I got up at 7 and began food prep for the day.  I've made 2 turkey casseroles, cooked my breakfast and lunch stuff as well as most of my son's.  I need to do my laundry and sweep my room. 

Mentally I feel much better today.

Food for the week:

Breakfast: salisbury steak made with ground turkey and green beans
Snack: hummus & carrots
Lunch: salad made with turkey, roasted zucchini, cucumber, tomato, and homemade vinegarette
Snack: fruit & 12 almonds
Dinner: various
Snack: 1 slice ultra thin rye & 3 pieces of salami

I hope you enjoy your day!

Get the funk out

I have really been in a funk, and then I got sick.  The last (month?) has just been ... blah.  I know that's normal and okay, I've basically kept my head above water, but that's about it.  I've gone to work and done the things I NEEDED to do, but that's about it.  There's just not much left over.  I know this won't be forever, and it's just a mood, not reality.  (Does that make sense?).  I'm getting out, connecting with friends, blah blah.  Things could be a lot better on the food & exercise front, but I haven't been ready to tackle that.  But .. I can feel that I am close to being ready again.

I haven't had a lot to say, honestly I haven't even had a lot of thoughts.  I just feel kinda like I'm swimming through an empty spot.  It just ... is. But things aren't bad either.  And you know what, they'll be good. :-)

Take care.

Sick :-(

I'm okay.  I have a summer cold and feel pretty miserable.  I called in sick, but then went in later.  I just got caught up from taking time off, I didn't want to all behind again.

Still hiding in a book. Not working out as I feel like poo.  On the plus side, I have NO appetite.

Top of the week

Good morning.

It was kind of a weird week.  I've been feeling "off" emotionally.  Dealing with the car accident stuff, frustrated by husband not signing the separation papers, etc. has just left me feeling wiped.  Went to Cross Fit twice, but other than that came home & crawled into a book.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends over in Raleigh which was a lot of fun.  Today is food prep and laundry - luckily food prep is fairly simple this week.

My goals for this week:
No beer.
Stick to planned food
Water aerobics twice
Cross Fit 3 times

I have a counseling appointment Tuesday.  I've decided it's going to be my last one.  It is difficult with my work schedule and with my weight loss support group, I don't feel like I need it.

I hope you have a terrific day.  Take care!

Just a quickie

Headed in to work in a minute.  Totally forgot to post last night.

I've been to Cross Fit the last 2 days (more about that later).  Tonight is water aerobics.  Food is doing okay, beer has been (re)banished.

Stress is nuts, but I'm hanging tough.

Lots of love & take care of yourself! :-)

Doing what works

I don't feel like writing it all down now, but I will say that I have no idea why my husband is being such a jack ass.  He left me, I agreed to his terms.  So what is his problem?  UGH.

I packed my food today, and stuck to it.  Work was busy since I took 2 days off before the holiday, but manageable.  Came home, ate a small snack, and went to Cross Fit.  Had an awesome workout!  Clean and jerks and behind the head strict presses, followed by the metabolic conditioning (metcon): 25 GFD situps, 5 250 M sprints on the rower (90 second rest between), and 25 more situps.

The GFD:

That machine is no joke!

Came home to a lovely shrimp dinner with tomatoes & feta over pasta.  Took a shower and now I am getting ready for my weight loss support call.  I may not have lost weight, but that call has helped keep me from seriously going off the rails.

Anyway, it was a good day, despite crazy man.

Take care - love you guys!

ps Did I mention we didn't have wifi at the cabin - hence no posting!

The weekend

The weekend was nice. It started with my soon to be ex showing up Thursday morning instead of Wednesday after work to dog sit (oh, and he is trying to charge me for taking care of the dogs), and then my coming home to a mess. And it is obvious he didn't really do what he was supposed to as far as the dogs. But the middle part was nice!

Oh, and he was spotted in Cracker Barrel with another woman.

Really.

Lots of thoughts

Last week I spent a lot of time thinking.  Not on the computer, just thinking.  I haven't made any sort of secret about the fact that I am really struggling right now.  Last week I really wanted to just give up.  Not sure what, but I was just kinda done with everything!

Lots of stupid stuff around a car accident (everyone okay, a girl ran a sign & clipped my son).  The parents don't have insurance, we're hoping they will pay up without being taken to court.  And my insurance was going to double even though it wasn't his fault (I switched companies).  It's just been stress, stress, stress.  Not important stuff, just aggravating.

And I'm just tired.  Hence all the thinking.  What it boils down to is this:  how do I want to live?  Not someday, today?  What do I want my life to look like?  What can I do to make now look like that?  if not in all the details, at least in the feelings?

I have a nice weekend visiting friends in Asheville Saturday, and then was sick all day yesterday (throwing up).  Yuck.  I am taking tonight off of exercise and today I stuck to small meals of bland food.   I feel better.

Wednesday we are leaving for Georgia for a long weekend.  I'll be taking my computer, but I don't know what the internet situation will be.

Weight is steady, so that's .. okay.  Not great, but not going in the wrong direction.  Mentally I think I'm going in the right direction, but I expect it will be quite a process.  

A nice day

I woke up motivated to tackle the guest room and work on moving my clothes into the newly cleaned out dresser.  I packed up all the stuff my husband left, took some clothes out of a tub in the guest room, and worked on organizing my sewing stuff in there.

I set aside some items to donate, packed up his things, took a tub of winter clothes and a box of books over to the storage unit.  The room looks SO much better!  It was a fair bit of work, but it's looked like a laundry explosion for a while, and that's the room my son stays in when he is here, so I really wanted to get it tackled!

I took the print I ordered to the shop to have it framed yesterday.  Today I've done laundry, swept, and worked on food prep for myself and my son.  So yes, another busy day, but it's also been a lot of fun hanging out with my mom & son.

I made sweet potato ricotta pancakes this morning and bacon, so that was a nice treat.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

My mom at the beach out at Edisto! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you enjoy your Mother's Day!

It is one of those holidays when I will absolutely not go to a restaurant - they are always so packed.  So mom and I went out to lunch today.  My favorite Mexican placed has closed - what a disappointment!  We tried a new place, it was pretty good.  We took my MIL a take out - she didn't feel up to going with us.  Lately, she feels and looks terrible.  I truly believe years of food abuse have caught up to her.

It's been a very busy day and I am worn out.  I just finished mowing the yard.  Tomorrow I am going to work on my room a bit more, do my food prep, and enjoy my day.

Have a nice weekend!

Absentee blogger

The last couple of nights have been Cross Fit.  Fun, but I'm pooped.  Anyway, doing okay, but I am going to go plop down & read a book! :-)

I'm happy

I decided to take the day off of work.  I had a couple of appointments and some things I wanted to get caught up, so here I am.

I just got home from my counseling appointment and I realized something: I am happy.  We were talking about overeating and the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).  She asked me about angry and I realized I really haven't been angry in the last couple of months except a couple of times (related to my husband).  Most of my anger was stemming from that relationship, and now that I'm not in it, I'm just not angry much.  I thought I was just a person who had a lot of anger - I'm not.  I had a bad marriage. 

I'm happy.  Things aren't perfect, and some things are scary, but I'm happy.  Wow.

Lots of thinking going on

1.  Appointment with the lawyer was fine.  It cost more than I thought (but less than if she didn't go to law school with a good friend of mine).  I don't have paperwork - I have a list of questions/information I need to pull together so she can write up the agreement.  Now, fingers crossed he signs it - it's what we verbally agreed to, so hopefully it won't be an issue.

2.  I got on the scale today for the first time in ... 2 weeks?  3 weeks?  I'm up 1.4 pounds - frankly I can't believe it's not more. Nevertheless, enough of this mess!

3.  I've been thinking a lot and really considering how I wanted to express this.  Here goes:

There are people who are addicted to certain foods (maybe sugar or wheat).  There are people who have specific trigger foods (this is me).  I don't fall into the pit when I eat a small amount of any certain type of food, but certain foods (like pierogies for some weird  reason) I really can't moderate so I don't eat them.

There are people who are emotional eaters (again, me) who may or may not be sugar or wheat addicts.

Then there is a third issue, which is one I also face.  I get an emotional payoff from remaining overweight.  For one, I really don't like change.  I've had so much uncertainty and upheaval and stress over these past few years, and there have been issues I didn't want to face (like the serious marriage issues I've been avoiding since spring of 2011), so emotional eating has remained in high gear. 

Plus I fear change: in many ways I am comfortable being overweight.  I don't have to deal with attention from men.  It makes a wonderful scapegoat for when things don't go your way!  (Didn't get a promotion?  It's your weight!).  If you lose weight, then you have to deal with not only situations that might make you uncomfortable, but hey, if something doesn't go your way, you have to figure out why and not just use your weight as an excuse.

To paraphrase Cpt. James T. Kirk "Some people are very frightened of change."  I am one of those people.  I could spend a lot of time talking about my life experiences that may have contributed to something which is probably an innate personality trait, but at the end of the day, it's part of who I am.  And that is something I am going to have to confront if I want to make changes in my life.

I do want to lose weight, but I also recognize that a lot of me wants to stay safe, hiding behind my fat.  But the desire to change is outweighing the desire to stay the same.  And many of my fears have come to pass:  I'm no longer with the company I was with for over 14 years - I was terrified of that change.  I refused to deal with my marital issues because I knew that meant we would divorce, I knew I couldn't stay with someone for who I had neither respect nor trust, but I was so afraid and sad at the prospect of divorce.  but hey - that's happening too!

In some ways it feels like a terrible time to add another change into the mix, as someone who hates it and is in the midst of so much.  But a part of me realizes this is a time of change, growth, and transformation.  I want to come out the other side a truer version of who I really am.

And that means losing weight.

More to come.

Insert title here

Today was a pretty good day - work was busy but good, Cross Fit was hard but fun.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with an attorney to draw up a legal separation agreement.  I'm pretty sad.  I mean, I know I'll feel better when that's tackled but still, it's sad.

That's all I got tonight.

Take care.

Oh hello!

Got busy hanging with my son & doing stuff around the house & forgot to post yesterday!

It was a fine day, even though it was rainy all weekend.  I took yesterday off from exercise.  Instead I worked on organizing my room, hanging art & curtains, etc.  I need to to do some organizing, & get my husband's stuff together so he can take it when he comes to dog sit.  But I got a lot done and it looks SO much better.

I hope you have a nice evening!

Hurray for the weekend!

Happy weekend! I went to Cross Fit this morning. Wednesdays & Saturdays we do Olympic lifts - today we did clean & jerk. It was such an awesome class! Food is planned, errands are run, and I plan to alternate relaxing and knocking a few things off my to do list.

Turns out hub had already taken himself off the 2 bank accounts - and hadn't told me.  Which is fine, but you could have let me know?  (See what I mean?).  Oh well, that's taken care of!

I plan to hang my new curtains and work on getting my clothes sorted & organized better now that I have both dressers.  Maybe watch a movie.  My son is on his way down, so that'll be nice too.

I hope you enjoy your weekend!

Another one of those days, but it's done!

Last couple of days have been difficult. I went by the bank this afternoon. For some reason, my husband's debit card transactions were posting to MY checking account. WTF!??!! They got it straightened out, but the whole 2 day mess was made worse by the fact that he didn't communicate with me, just ignored my attempts to communicate with him. A behavior which makes me NUTS!!!!

One thing I'd gradually forgotten since we've separated is how stressed and crazy it makes me when he avoids dealing with stuff he doesn't want to. I'm not perfect (FAR from it), but not talking about or dealing with stuff (especially business type things) is foolish. And frustrating when you are trying to and your spouse is avoiding.

I have not totally stuck to my plan, but I haven't gone off the rails either. I have a solid plan in place for the weekend. Plenty of stuff on my to do list, but it includes fun things (hanging new curtains!) and exercise as well. And to RELAX!

I wish I were doing better, but I'm doing okay.  And maybe right now just doing okay is ... okay.

Take care!

One of THOSE days

Ever have one of those days?  You wake up on the wrong side of the bed and it goes downhill from there?  Nothing major, just a non ending parade of annoyances.  Like being nibbled to death by cats.....  yeah, I had that day.

I woke up from an anxiety dream.  I checked my bank account and my (soon to be former) husband took money out of the account.  (We have separate accounts).  I think it was an accident, but I'd like my money back and you know he won't answer my calls!

Pinched the crap out of my thumb on the lawn mower.  Mowed the grass instead of going to water aerobics since it's supposed to rain this weekend.  Really, just bloody shoot me, or knock me out until tomorrow.....  Grrr......

A good day

Today was a long day at work, but it was a good day.  It's the last night of the class at my friend's church and I am headed out in just a couple of minutes.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm okay!

Hello

Hey there!

I came home yesterday and went to Cross Fit.  Class was tough but fun.  We partnered up and took turns doing a round of exercise (5 pullups, assisted for me, 10 push ups, and 15 squats) - then you rested while your partner worked.  We did that for 30 minutes.  We completed 16 rounds.  I'm pretty sore today!

Rather than spending time online, I opted to watch a movie last night ("Big Eyes" - it was very good!).  But eating was fine.

Today I opted for a rest day and went to the Y to use the hot tub and sauna.  Very nice. :-)

Food this week is lasagna soup, sweet potato, taco salad, and strawberries.  Dinner varies.

I am grateful that I have the luxury of an upgraded Y membership so I can use the one downtown as well with the hot tub and sauna (my regular Y doesn't have that!).

I am also grateful for how beautiful spring is in NC.  We have one of the highest pollen counts in the country right now, but gosh the azaleas and dogwoods are gorgeous!

Happy birthday to me!

Good morning.

Sorry for the absence, it's been a hectic week and I've felt like poop.  Yesterday I sat and cried, which helped.  First birthday since 2000 without my husband.  There are going to be a lot of these "firsts" this year.

I got up at 7, made breakfast, and started doing food prep.  Hey, it may be my birthday, but I've still gotta eat this week! :-)

Today I am rearranging the furniture in the bedroom.  Painting is done, today is furniture, next weekend is new curtains & art (the finishing touches).  I was hoping to get it finished by my birthday but hey, it's not a huge deal.  I'll get it done.

Yeah, it's been an emotional week and I haven't done really great.  I had a serious talk with myself this morning.  My gift to myself is to commit to 1 week of doing the very best I can for myself.  Taking my supplements, flossing, watching what I eat.  You know, the things you should do every day.  And I do a lot of them no problem, but others I let slide.  That regime will include starting the day with a mug of hot lemon water and ending the day with 2 tablespoons of Bragg's apple cider vinegar.  I'm hoping one week of intense focus will help me get back on track I was on.

Take care & enjoy your day!

Busy

Yesterday was a pretty busy day.  I got my "have to do" list done, and one thing done on my "want to do" list (got the car washed).  I was super busy all day and definitely did not feel rested come the evening!  I sat down and started to over snack without even noticing!  Luckily I realized what was happening and stopped.

I was at work for 10 hours today - I have a counseling appointment tomorrow morning so I wanted to work extra today.  I stayed busy all day, but not overwhelmed busy.  So that was good.

Pictures of today's food (this is what I am packing this week):

Breakfast:  a ground turkey patty made with greek seasonings, feta and spinach.  Served with cucumber, tomatoes, and homemade tsaziki.

AM snack - piece of a small sweet potato.  Plain.

My pictures of lunch and afternoon snack didn't come through. :-(

Lunch was the cheeseburger salad - seasoned ground meat over greens and brussel sprouts with some shredded cheese and chopped pickle.

Afternoon snack was grapes and 12 almonds.

Dinner was chicken casserole and more brussel sprouts.

Boring, but that's what I'm eating this week (dinner will vary).

Going to water aerobics tonight.  Have a good evening!

pooped

Still a bit on the crabby side today, but I was kept very busy with chores, so no time to sulk or overeat! *lol*

Hope you had a terrific weekend!

Big hugs! :-)

The Graduate

First the good news:  I graduated! :-)  I think I mentioned that at my Cross Fit gym, before you can attend regular classes you have to complete 6 weeks of individual assessment and coaching with the owner.  That is to ensure that you are doing things correctly, with the proper weight.  Today was my final Olympic lift: the snatch:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfLV0MnRVZM (It's harder than it looks!)

After class he pronounced me ready to attend classes! :-)

Next, the mediocre news:  weight stayed the same this week.  :-\  No gain, but no loss.

Finally, the bad news;  I totally overate last night.  I KNEW I could text someone in the support group for support, or go online to the group and reach out.  But I didn't.  You know why?  Because I WANTED to overeat.  Le sigh.

Right now I am very frustrated with my estranged "husband."  For one he said he would take care of the dogs while my mom and I go down to to Georgia, and now he's saying he isn't sure.  Yeah, thanks Mr. Dependable.  It's not like visiting my 95 year old great aunt is .. oh .. important or anything.  God forbid you should miss some beauty rest, jack ass.

And then there's vacation.  As you may or may not know (depending oh how long you've been reading), we belong to a medieval recreation group.  Every year we go to a huge event up in western Pennsylvania.  It's a lot of fun, but it's also an opportunity to see people we may only see every couple of years.  A lot of our friends come over from Australia/New Zealand and only come every 2-3 years.  We also have friends from all over the country and that's the only time we see them.

So I definitely want to go.  Haven't worked out my tent situation.  Haven't worked out how I am getting there or back.  Sure it is going to be uncomfortable since we will be in the same camp.  Le sigh.  It's stuff like this that makes this whole thing suck. 

Anyway, I'm in a pissy mood.  I'm feeling anxiety over both trips.

Today I am going to finish painting my room.

Take care & I'll work on it too.

No water aerobics

We are have severe thunderstorms, so no water aerobics for me. :-(

Today was fine.  Meals for next week planned, grocery list made.  This weekend I am going to finish painting my bedroom.  Also, I have my final orientation session at the Cross Fit gym - more Olympic lifting - yay!

My grandpuppy is getting very cranky at her enforced, post surgery, confinement.  She snapped at one of the other dogs tonight.  Not good.

Okay, turning off computer.  Good night! :-)

Food, a recipe idea, and more of "the plan"

So, food this week:

Breakfast: chicken & zucchini with homemade curry sauce. (Welcome to my weird)
AM snack: 1/2 sweet potato
Lunch: chicken, tomato, cucumber, and roasted green beans with salad dressing
PM snack: banana & 12 almonds

I found a great idea of a lunch salad over at emilybites.com - a cheeseburger salad.  I love to take a flavor I love (like a cheeseburger) and turn it into a healthy meal.  Yum!  That's lunches for next week!

I talked to my girlfriend in Berkley.  Once my contract ends, the plan is to visit my friend in Phoenix - we are looking at hitting Sedona, Grand Canyon, and as many of the national parks in Utah as we can squeeze in.  Then I will fly on to Berkley.  L asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite.  DUH - YES!  She's never been and neither has her boyfriend.  It's only 3 hours from Berkley. 

This October/November is really shaping up to be a dream trip.  I am SO excited.  I'm nervous - so many things are changing/ happening in my life.  And like most 3 year olds, I don't like change! :-)  But whoa, this little idea of mine is turning into the trip of a lifetime!

I think I mentioned that I was joining Sean's 10 week weight loss support group.  I am so excited.  I really need the extra support.  There just isn't anyone in my "real" life that gets my weight struggle.  So often I'm fine all day, but when I get home I'm tired - and that's when it goes to pieces.  I'm tired and just don't have the energy (or whatever) to stay the course and I cave.  My weight has been stalled.  I'm thankful I haven't gained with everything that has been going on, but success in this area will go a long way to helping me in ALL areas.

Okay, tonight it the 7th (of 12) of the classes at my friend's church on reading the Bible critically (or analytically if you prefer).  It's been interesting - glad I signed up.

Okay, going to read a few minutes before I head to class.

Take care!

Getting my whine on

I had a good day at work - busy, but got a lot accomplished.

So why did I get cranky when I got home?  Ridiculous!  Having a burger for dinner, then going to pack my breakfast & lunch for tomorrow, then off to water aerobics - which I am looking forward to!

it's so annoying when you have a feeling for apparently no logical reason!  Okay, I'm done being grumpy!  I'm going to go pack my food right now so I can feel accomplished again!

Have a good evening!

The beginnings of a plan

I told you one thing the counselor asked me was to make a bucket list - including (relatively) short term.

I have a friend in Phoenix and friends in Berkley.  I really haven't traveled much out west.  Today I called my friend in Phoenix and asked about going out there when my contract is up and maybe doing some hiking in the national parks.  We are working on a plan and I am so excited!

My plan is to take some time off work between contracts and connect with some friends and see some of the country I haven't seen before.  I'll have the money and the time. 

For so many years things felt so much like I was giving and my husband was taking.  When I needed him to be there for me - he wasn't.  Now I'm trying to figure out what I like and what I want to do - something I haven't considered for a long, long time.

It's weird and scary and exciting.

Take care!

A good day

This morning at the Cross Fit gym we worked on Olympic lifts.  Halfway through the session the coach says "You have really found your niche."  That is true - I LOVE strength training. 

The gym I've found is not your stereotypical Cross fit gym.  4 days a week they do typical cross fits workouts, and 2 days a week are specifically devoted to Olympic lifting.  This just feels like a good place for me.  I hope I like the actual classes as much as I've enjoyed the learning sessions!

After that breakfast then off to the class at my friend's church.  Then lunch, nap and now chores.  It's gorgeous here today.  The windows are open and the air smells so good.

Belews puppy thankfully is kinda dopey from the pain meds.  Poop thing is confined to the length of a leash and has to be walked outside. :-(  It's gonna be a long recovery - for everyone!

Tomorrow is church class again & doing my mom's taxes.  Yeah, you wish you were me! *lol*  And of course some outdoor time in the park!

Enjoy your weekend!!

Home

Grandpuppy is home.

Last night I overate.  I was tired, lonely, & sad.  It would be nice if I had an accountability partner that I could reach out to in times like that.  I have friends, but no one that really "gets it" when it comes to my food issues.

I'm working on it.

Okie dokie

Today was my long day at work (10 hours) to make up time for going in late due to my counseling appointment.  Came home, ate, and sat down.  Running a little low on the energy.

Grandpuppy came through surgery fine - she is staying overnight for observation and will be home tomorrow.

Food has been fine.  Exercise hasn't happened.  I saw this today and laughed and laughed, so I leave you with this:

Spring is springing

Well, it's really pretty around here.  The bradford pears are starting to bloom - they are always the first of the season, but the dogwoods and azaleas aren't far behind.  I remember when I was in the Army, a friend came home on leave with me.  He was from Michigan and couldn't get over how green and gorgeous NC is in the spring time.  It really is special.

My day was fine - busy at work.  Came home and ran out to buy dog food, quick 20 minute nap, then dinner & a shower before my "church class".

One of the things I know I have to face is my 3-fold fear around losing weight: The fear that I'm not worthy of that level of self care and health, the fear of giving up my comfort foods, and the fear of attention from men when I do lose weight.  Physically losing the weight is probably the easiest part - it's all this other stuff!

I plan to join Sean's next 10 week weight loss support group conference call - I'm hoping that will help me face some of these fears head on.  Living life to its fullest should not be a cause for anxiety - it should be exciting and wonderful.  Isn't it sad how common my fears are amongst folks desiring to lose weight?

I hope you have a wonderful evening - take care! :-)